The Wonderful World of Fanfiction
by The Carnivorous Muffin
Summary: The Carnivorous Muffin speaks a lot in third person as she puts together a talk show, featuring interviews prompted by the reviewers, to the various characters she's written about on this website. There are also commercials, infomercials, trailers, and more. A tangent fic to everything ever. Or, more shortly, a question and answer fic for the characters. (Includes all fandoms)
1. Pilot and Instructions

**Author's Note: To those about to embark on this bizarre journey note that this is a compilation of everything I have ever written or will write. So I would familiarize myself with other works of mine before reading this... Otherwise, well, you'll probably wonder why this is a thing.**

* * *

Lily, red-headed, thin, terrifying, twelve-year-old, god wearing the form of the grim reaper, turned to Wizard Lenin, and declared, "Lenin, I've finally figured it out."

Wizard Lenin, sitting in his most recent form of the Albanian Lenin Rabbitson, spared her a pair of raised eyebrows and asked dully, "Figured what out?"

"The meaning of life," Lily leaned in closer, perhaps too close, her eyes endless and insistant, "We're not real, Lenin. We're just fragmented copies of fictionalized characters by some woman named J.K. Rowling, altered by a carnivorous muffin for their own entertainment, as the muffin goes onto publish ridiculous amounts of writing that she's not getting paid to do."

"…did you just claim that god is a muffin."

"No, worse, Lenin, we're fan fiction."

* * *

The faceless, genderless, not truly involved, unimportant to this tale, narrator sat in one of the plush chairs that one might expect on Doctor Phil, Oprah, Ellen, or a talk show of that variety. Awkwardly, twiddling their thumbs, and then offered the audience and the camera a thin smile, "So, this is apparently a thing. Hello, by the way, I'm The Carnivorous Muffin."

A sign blinks on, signaling the applause, and the audience dutifully cheers for a few moments until the sign blinks back out again.

(The Carnivorous Muffin does not necessarily appreciate this, as she suspects that this means that a laugh track will probably also be involved, and is of the staunch opinion that laugh tracks are tools for those who are incapable of being funny.

If you want more opinions like this from The Carnivorous Muffin mention so in your review. If you want less, mention so in your review. If you're still confused what the hell this is, mention so in your review.)

"Right, so, as you may know I write barrels of fanfiction. Over a hundred now, that has to fit in some form of a literal barrel… Good god, I am far too invested in this hobby. Anyways, I write lots of things from Harry Potter, to Death Note, to Naruto despite knowing very little of Naruto from the source material, to well, other fandoms and things no one seems to care about." The muffin pauses, thinking over their words, "Anyways, I spend a lot of time here. Somebody asked me recently, I believe it was Luna Bass, to write one of those question-answer fics with my characters."

The Carnivorous Muffin motions to the empty chair, the spotlight following their commands and lingering, and the muffin continues, "So, what this means is, as directed by your questions I will sit either Lily, Frank, Lenin, Minato, Tobirama, Anna Jones, Light Yagami whoever you want really so long as I have written some incarnation of them in some fan fic or another (or hell if you really want canon characters I haven't bothered to write, go for that too) down in that chair, and I will interview them, chit chatting here and there, while also answering all the questions you've been dying to ask."

The muffin turns back to the audience, "For example, Ginny, why are you so undeniably creepy?"

There is no answer from Ginny Weasley of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" as Ginny is not in the room. None the less, the overwhelming silence presented by the chair, in Ginny's absence, says quite a lot about the situation.

"Of course, because while this is the internet, the wild west of the modern age, we're still going to have some regulations. Really, they're more like formalities though, and if you don't do it you make my life kind of difficult."

A sign lights up behind The Carnivorous Muffin, various rules highlighted as they go along, "One, specify the character and the story along with the question you want to ask them. There are many iterations of Harry, and they're all kind of different. And if you want me to take a stab at canon characters mention that too, although believe me when I say that I am very much not J.K. Rowling, and it shows."

(If The Carnivorous Muffin was J.K. Rowling she would probably not be writing fan fiction of her own fan fiction; she'd publish it instead.)

"Second, the characters will be answering in character, as such they might not actually answer your question. Don't be offended if, instead of Tom Riddle replying that he likes it from behind, he tells you to get bent, if in more colorful language (even if he likes it from behind). These aren't my opinions, well, they are but you know what I mean." The Carnivorous Muffin stalls, looks visibly panicked for a moment, then amends their statement, "Jesus Christ people, try not to get offended about all of this."

There is overwhelming silence from the audience. The Carnivorous Muffin sighs, takes a deep breath, and continues, "Third, if you ask something spoiler related, even if it's not obvious to you why this would be a spoiler. I will stop the character from answering, even if they might answer under normal circumstances. For example, asking Rabbit what exactly Lily is, is not going to happen inside of this. Don't spoil yourself or your fellow readers, let me do that out of lethargy in my writing side fics or through all too blatant world-building."

The Carnivorous Muffin at once becomes more intense, and leans forward, eyes blazing, "Fourth, if you guys get ridiculous or trollish beyond comprehension, I will not hesitate to shut this thing down. That said, trolling a little is fine, hell this whole story is a troll. A fan fic presenting itself as an existential talk show, if that's not a troll I'm not sure what is. I also, in case this is not known, have a great appreciation for 'My Immortal' which truly was the trolliest thing to come out of this website. Seriously, there's a British reading of it on youtube and it is the greatest thing I have ever listened to. I highly recommend it. That said, there is a fine line between genuinely funny trolling and being an ass, I trust you know the difference, don't be an ass."

"Fifth… Do we have any fifth rule?" The Carnivorous Muffin asked, turning towards backstage, muffled noises are heard.

"No? Really, I could have sworn there were five… Well, if there are any more rules, or they occur to me later, I'll just add them in from that point on."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles, and says, "Now, what can you expect from this… thing? Well, obviously the question answer sessions, duh, but I'm thinking I might add in commercials for prompts that reviewers can pick up if they so desire, things people can pressure me to write because 'it's a great idea and you aren't already writing too many things at once', general crossover ridiculousness of characters who would never normally meet but are stuck together in this strange dimension between fanfictions (i.e. Jiraiya and Wizard Lenin go shopping, I don't know, I'm not a fountain of ideas, also if you want some of that feel free to prompt as you will in the reviews, if you don't have questions), general advertisements (probably products invented by Lily and or Lee that you must use for your own survival), and who knows, perhaps more. That said, if nobody is interesting then I am bailing from this ship like nobody's business and we can pretend this never happened."

The Carnivorous Muffin looks a little terse for a moment, "Although since someone asked me about this, and since people apparently do these things, this must be a thing people want. So I expect at least some response out of this."

"So basically, do whatever you want… but don't go overboard. Also, flamers, I really don't mind you and for whatever reason I actually haven't been flamed too often in spite of having ridiculously over powered protagonists, but that said, this is neither the time nor the place. If you think this is ungodly stupid, I shall let you know that, yes, I agree. But you can't say that it isn't at least kind of fun… Or, you can, but just try to keep it to yourselves… Oh, hell you'll probably just flame me anyway, so go ahead and do that to."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles and waves at the audience, "So that's all for now then, until next time, if we make it past the piolet episode…"

The camera zooms out; music begins to play.

"Oh, what, you want me to dance? Isn't that Ellen's thing? I can't steal Ellen's thing."

The audience cheers, standing and smiling, the applause sign clearly lit.

"No, seriously, I'm not stealing Ellen's thing. I'm just… You know what, why don't we just cut to the commercials. No one enjoys song fics or written dance numbers anyways."

* * *

This holiday season, get ready for the adventure that will… change… everything…

The dark haired Harry Potter, with wild desperate green eyes, grips at her blonde companion, "Delphi, listen to me, we don't have much time!"

Delphi, with wide blue eyes, stares back at her, clearly torn between bewilderment, derision, and fear beyond comprehension.

Beyond them the hallway is dark, there is only a single light coming from a door down the hall, one that neither girl can seem to turn their eyes away from although they desperately try to.

Get ready for…

"Delphi! If we don't manage to get your mother out of here now, then trust me you will not have one!"

Arrested Revolution

"Don't talk about my mother, mudblood!" Delphi slaps Harry Potter across the cheek, a red hand shaped print left on the other girl's face.

"Delphi, your mom is a cultist. She freaks Voldemort out, trust me when I say that when he gets tired of her, and he's getting tired of her, he will dispose of her."

Another slap, "Don't talk about our lord that way!"

"Oh, right, like you have any room to talk, Daddy Issues." Harry spits, "Merlin's balls, you know what, I don't care. I don't care at all. Just don't blame me when you find your mom passed out with the pitcher of Kool-Aid."

(Meanwhile, flying through the study window of Riddle manor, is Bellatrix LeStrange, who was just informed that she would not be having sex with her lord on a desk.)

Rated M, for mature, because we're all mature.

Updated soon at an internet browser near you.

* * *

Jiraiya, Eru Lee, Namikaze Minato, and Matsuda Haru stand in training ground three. Lee holding out a yellow book with a too large, salesman's, grin, Minato smiles, but with perhaps more genuine amusement, motioning to Lee as the showman's assistant. Jiraiya, not quite sure what is going on, stands in the back, looking very confused and alarmed.

"Uh, kids, you're sort of freaking me out here…"

Haru says, dully, as if reading from a script that he does not believe in the least, "Do you find yourself constantly attacked by plant zombies? Are you totally useless and the Dead Last of your genin trio? Are you reasonably certain that you're going to die by the time you're fifteen?"

A plant zombie dutifully appears, startling Jiraiya, "Shit!"

Jiraiya forms a hand seal, traps the plant zombie beneath earth, and then unleashes a barrage of explosive seals.

Meanwhile, Minato continues, "Don't be! Now, with Eru Lee's new 'plant zombie survival guide', you too can find yourself a contributing memory of society."

Lee opens the book, the camera zooms in to the page, revealing the chapter title to be, "Explosive seals are your friends".

"Learn techniques to ward off zombies like fuinjutsu, ninjutsu, tainjutsu, and more. All yours for only nine ninety-nine!"

Lee snaps the book shut even as Jiraiya disposes of the plant zombie, looking more than a little panicked, over his students Jiraiya shouts, "Okay, is anyone at all concerned that we were just attacked by plant zombies inside of the village? Seriously, squirts? You do know we have to go see the hokage now, right?"

Minato continues, smiling at the audience, "But wait, there's more! By now and we'll include a demonstrational of Eru Lee's best methods of destroying plant zombies as well as free shipping and handling. Don't wait, this is a limited time offer!"

Haru then finishes, dully with, "Remember, you're never sorry, you're just dead. Don't be dead, get to the chopper."

Jiraiya whacks Lee and Minato across the head, "Okay, kids, show's over, time to go see the sandaime."

* * *

Starring:

The Carnivorous Muffin as The Written Representation of The Carnivorous Muffin

Eru Lee as The Helpful and Overly Cheerful Assistant in Every Infomercial

Namikaze Minato as That Strangely Persuasive Salesman

Jiraiya as That One Guy Who Has No Idea What's Going on Anymore

Matsuda Haru as Dead Last

Delphi Riddle as That One Girl Due for a Paradigm Shift

Harry Potter as The Voice of Reason

Lily as The Voice of Existential Reason

Wizard Lenin as The Straight Man and Grinch Like Cynic Inside of Us All

* * *

 **Author's Note: This is exactly what it said in the chapter, follow the guidelines posted there, and yes someone really did ask for this and well... I am intrigued enough to give this a try, we'll see where it goes. Thank you to Luna Bass for the idea.**

 **Reviews are much appreciated, and actually necessary for this fic's survival. Thanks for reading.**

 **Disclaimer: I own no published works I mention.**


	2. Episode One: Dude, Where's My Car?

Today's Episode of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" is brought to you by Double Stuf Oreos, that ungodly deliciousness that you just can't stop eating, no matter how much you know you should.

* * *

Backstage, where the hustle and the bustle is ongoing, and dozens of iterations of Harry Potter dart back and forth along with Light Yagamis, Ls, and Tom Riddles, Lily of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" stands alongside her longtime companion and friend, Wizard Lenin, and contemplates the art of being Sisyphus.

Or, in laymen's terms, she's having her daily existential crisis and is wondering what we're all doing here.

"So…"

Wizard Lenin, as is his blunt and caustic nature, immediately interrupts, "No."

"You didn't even hear what I had to say."

He glares down at her, or tries to in his latest and greatest crippled, Albanian, twelve-year-old boy form, and says, "You were about to ask if we were supposed to be doing something, or why we're all running around in a story about stories, or if there was any point at all to our existence especially since we, apparently, have no actual existence."

Lily blinks, comments, "You're really stuck on that not existing point."

"Well, I can't imagine why I wouldn't be!"

Lily shrugs, looks a little bewildered, and explains, "Well, I mean, we've always not really existed. Hell, I've been trying to explain this for years. It's not like it's news. Besides, we should all be relieved, now everything's finally starting to make sense. All those inconsistencies, the random people showing up like Margaritaville, the fact that I have to keep attending Hogwarts… Really, I mean, that our god is an amateur author with too much free time is a pretty benign development. This way, if our universe explodes or ceases to exist it will be because she's gotten bored."

Neither Lily nor Lenin dare to glance at the forgotten, abandoned, characters of stories the Carnivorous Muffin has long since put to the side and said, "I'll probably get to this later…"

"That does not make me feel better about this." Wizard Lenin finally proclaims, perhaps too calmly, certainly more calmly than the burning fire in his pale eyes that expresses how very unrelaxed he is about all of this.

Lily does not comment on this, having learned that sometimes it's just best to let Wizard Lenin lie, instead she says, "Anyways, that wasn't what I was going to say."

"It wasn't?"

"Nope."

Wizard Lenin seems, correctly, dubious about this.

"Then tell me, Lily, what were you going to ask?"

"I was going to ask if you knew where we parked the car."

(Wizard Lenin, the audience may note, is not amused.)

* * *

There is, of course, the sound of cheerful applause from the audience as the dutiful sign blinks on and The Carnivorous Muffin waves awkwardly out to her audience with a somewhat fixed and rather dubious smile.

Once the sign has turned off and the audience has settled into their seats the avatar of the dutiful author begins to speak, "Hello everybody, and welcome back to 'The Wonderful World of Fanfiction', with me, The Carnivorous Muffin, as your host."

There is more applauding, as prompted by the sign, and The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces.

(They really believe that they should get that uninstalled, as it's beginning to get on their nerves, but then again it's reminiscent of talk shows and more The Carnivorous Muffin currently writing (rather than the written representation) finds it hilarious and thinks it has great potential as a running gag.

The Carnivorous Muffin's inner muffin finds this dubious.)

"Right, well, anyways, as you may or may not have noticed this got a surprising amount of responses…"

The audience laughs on cue, The Carnivorous Muffin, upon realizing that there is indeed a laugh track, shudders.

None the less, the muffin dutifully trudges on, ignoring the fact that even as writing The Carnivorous Muffin is subtly doubting her own ability to be funny on command. Somewhere inside of that is a deep and dark pit of irony best not delved into lightly, "Really, I thought everyone hated these things. I hate these things, I think I've read one, for Death Note. And of course, people asked about Mello and his chocolate addiction which… Well, I like to pretend the Wammys boys don't actually exist. Regardless, when you're as strangely popular as I am on the internet (for whatever reason) apparently you can do shit like this, you also get invited to various role playing communities but that's neither here nor there. So here we are, with the first responding episode."

The Carnivorous Muffin then grabs a stack of envelopes, sitting on the coffee table next to her comfy chair, and proclaims, "Actually, even more surprising than simple responses, people have direct questions for me. I honestly hadn't realized anyone would want to ask me questions, but I suppose since I technically have written a version of myself here, then all is fair by the five (no wait it's four) rules I laid out previously."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles, "So, with that said, we're going to start with those and then press onwards."

The talk show muffin tears open the first envelope, carefully taking out a folded sheet of paper, and then states, "This first one is from halfcoop, and they ask, 'CM: what has been your favorite chapter/story/one shot(whatever) you have written so far'?"

The Carnivorous Muffin considers this carefully, mulling it over, "This is actually hard for me. There are certainly chapters or else stories I'm less pleased with, ones I'm more or less indifferent to, but there are a fair number I truly love. I suppose, if I have to pick one, then my favorite so far has been chapter 25 of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' titled 'The Play'

As you readers may or may not have realized, really the entire first portion of the story was building to that chapter. I had the chapter planned long before Lily even reached Hogwarts, not necessarily how to get there, but the showdown and the idea of the escalation. And when writing it, well, it came together beautifully and even better than I had expected.

I also am very fond of the basilisk arc in 'October' and Tom's fifth year in general in that story, if I'm going to pick a close second."

The Carnivorous Muffin grins, set the review aside, and moves to the next envelope, "That was surprisingly easy, alright, what's next?"

Taking out the white paper she reads, "This is from eSemmel, '…as has been observed, you have an estimated bazillion different iterations of the same set of characters, intermixed and crossed over to the nth degree, different enough to make things ever interesting. How do you manage to keep track of them all?"

The Carnivorous Muffin then pauses awkwardly, "They also ask why I don't have a face in this, or well, it's implied…"

The Carnivorous Muffin, it is to be noted, indeed does not have any defining features in this. As Magritte's pipe is not a pipe so too is The Carnivorous Muffin not truly The Carnivorous Muffin. The Carnivorous Muffin's truth is an unattainable thing that exists beyond all dimensions of fiction, as we all exist beyond the dimensions of fictions, and as such cannot be compressed cleanly onto the written page.

(That, and, it would be kind of weird telling everyone what the muffin looks like over the interwebz. We're close guys, but not that close.)

"Anyways, how do I keep track of everything? Well, there was once a time when I didn't have that many stories on this site and it was conceivably manageable. That said, even now, I have a very good memory for this sort of thing which helps a lot. Sometimes, if I haven't been writing for a story for a while, then I read the past few chapters (the whole story if it's been a very long time) to refresh myself not only on the events but also the narrative style, as almost all the characters (and even different iterations of characters) have a different way of viewing the world which most certainly shows. So, yes, that's how that happens, just good memory and rereading. I am thinking of making a chart soon of the various universes written for and posting it somewhere online, just to see how out of hand this has all gotten. Because let's face it, friends, it has gotten out of hand."

The Carnivorous Muffin then shrugs, "I guess if you want more details on the whole, behind the scenes writing process, then let me know and I can share. Otherwise I'll just leave it at that."

The talk show muffin places this review to the side, flips through the rest and raises their eyebrows dubiously, "Hm, well, the rest of these aren't specifically addressed to me but they weren't really addressed to a character either… So, I guess I'll just give a stab at answering them as best I can."

"First, from 97chaoscat, 'How would a Shinigami react to either Eru Lee or Lily Riddle?" The Carnivorous Muffin considers this, considers it again, tilts her head and considers it again.

"Well, which Shinigami are we talking here? As I understand it (from my limited knowledge derived from anime and manga) there are many different interpretations of death gods, some more traditional than others. If we're talking 'Death Note', then Ryuk would find them hilarious (as shown by 'The Labour of Light Yagami'). I don't know anything about 'Bleach' so I won't comment on that. If we're talking 'Black Butler' then The Undertaker would also find it hilarious, Grelle would probably be in love given the red hair and destructive capabilities (actually that's a rather terrifying idea for a crossover if you think about it), Will Spears would be perpetually unamused as always if not somewhat horrified, and I'm more or less indifferent to Ronald Knox (if that is even that guy's name). Beyond that, I don't know enough about traditional Shinto/Japanese beliefs to comment on that version of death gods."

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, hesitates, and then asks, "Does this answer the question? If not, I guess try to clarify next time."

The question is left awkwardly hanging, not really answered, but not unanswered either. The Carnivorous Muffin decides to move on while the going is good, "Next, a few questions from Zahrah, 'Was the magical school in Ubik a reference to Pigfarts? Also, will we see more of Ubik, or more of Harry's active role as Death, destroyer of worlds?"

The muffin in question pauses, "Wow, very 'October' focused."

"First, not intentionally. Honestly, I was really going for Phillip K. Dick references with that one, particularly with the name 'Ubik', as well as science fiction as a genre with Ray Bradbury's Martian Chronicles along with many of Phillip K. Dick's books specifically in mind. Pigfarts also being on Mars was an afterthought, but hey, I'll take it."

The cued laughter from the audience sounds.

"People, that wasn't funny."

The laughter continues, the muffin ignores it.

"Second, yes to both. We will see more of Ubik, less than we did in the original Ubik arc but bits and pieces, and Harry's role as Death will certainly come back. It will all be very exciting, I mean, along with Tom breaking everything ever."

The muffin waits for laughter, no one apparently finds this funny, painfully the muffin moves on, "Alright, next up, from GinHanelle, 'Do different blood types taste different to Frank? Is there a best tasting one? Does the diet of the one being drank matter? What is emperor Palpatine from Star Wars favorite food? Do you know the answers to any of these questions, Muffin? Have these questions already been answered? Also, I want to know what the Muffin usually wears while writing and what Muffin's favorite drink is."

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses again, considering this, as they have never considered this before, "I should have known Frank would come up in this."

(The audience laughs, this clearly isn't consistent, nor is it funny as a running gag. The person responsible for this has been sacked.)

"I can't imagine it would, but then again I've never thought about it. As for diet, is it extreme? I imagine a drug addict or drunkard would taste different than the average human being. So yes, that's the Frank answers."

The Carnivorous Muffin dubiously considers the next round of questions, "As for Star Wars, I have no idea. This feels like one of those questions that those Star Wars books and games I never paid attention to might have answered. Seriously, other than the films I have no idea what goes on in there… There's that."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles and declares, "So I guess I knew some answers, but not others. And I have no idea if anyone has addressed these before, but with the Star Wars ones probably. As for what I usually wear, jeans seem to be a consistent answer. And my favorite drink I suppose is strawberry lemonade."

The Carnivorous Muffin, thinking they're done, then turns to the envelopes still waiting on the coffee table, "Oh, wow, still more. Okay, way more than I expected addressed to me."

"Okay, easy one first, Guest asked 'Will this be getting side fics?" The Carnivorous Muffin looks up with an expression of dread, and asks, "Do we really think this will be that popular?"

Then almost grudgingly, "You know what, why not? These things are entertaining after all and people seem to enjoy them. So yes, we shall do side fics, even for this ridiculous meta thing."

No one responds, perhaps to be expected, either way The Carnivorous Muffin reads the last batch of questions directed towards them specifically or else not to anyone else specifically, "Alright here we have from The White Crow, 'Does Rabbit love Lily? What is Rabbit's real form? How does Persephone feel about Death abandoning her/him? And to the non-existent Sally Anne, who cannot answer because she no longer is or was or ever shall be, is non-existence interesting?"

"Well, first, I'm going to go out and say that the first two are spoilers. I think, given all the side fics, that people can probably more or less figure out the answers to these questions, but that said you will get the answers to these eventually. For now, I just won't tell you directly." The Carnivorous Muffin smiles, perhaps a bit vindictively, but none the less they shall not spoil their own stories so easily as that.

"Alright, Persephone, I've actually thought about addressing this. I've been thinking of writing a series of one-shots about 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' version of Death, which would probably feature a chapter dedicated to that interpretation of Hades and Persephone. So, considering that, I won't answer, just that I imagine it's rather heart wrenching, complicated, and filled with agony."

(The Carnivorous Muffin is very excited by this idea, even if, perhaps, it slows down everything down a little bit. Death as a character too often gets neglected for Lenin's adventures along with Lily's.)

"And finally, one cannot feel, want, or be if one does not exist. There is no Sally, there is not even Zuul, there is only that which is nothing at all. So, in other words, I find this whole concept fascinating yet also terrifying. It is like staring into the abyss of time and existence before you yourself were conceived. Sally Anne, however, is not a thing that can feel."

With that, all the envelopes have been opened and the reviews addressed to The Carnivorous Muffin read, "That appears to be it, we'll take a short commercial break and then travel to the mysterious land of Konohagakure where we'll interview some of the local denizens with your questions."

The camera pans out, the audience cheers joyfully, and the screen fades leaving the non-metaphorical audience in anticipation of the commercials in store for us all.

* * *

For Lee, Whenever I May Find Her

(The unwritten and unsung love story Senju Tobirama might have had)

Prompted by Autumn Pears

The screen is dark and in the background Andy Williams sings with an edge of melancholy, nostalgia, and a deep sorrow.

 _"_ _Where do I begin? To tell the story of how great a love can be? The sweet love story that is older than the sea, the simple truth about the love she brings to me… Where do I start?"_

Slowly color enters the screen and we see the mountains of Konohagakure, before faces were carved in, and an empty valley beneath it. Overtop of this, the title, "For Lee, Whenever I May Find Her"

The camera pans out and overtop of the image of Konohagakure, a montage of a young Tobirama appears, first as a boy with empty glass like eyes as he stares over the grave of his youngest brother, an adolescent walking alone with hands in his pockets and eyes tipped upwards towards the sky, a shy painfully awkward smile, anger, rage, desperation, guilt, and then as a young man shuddered in on himself as he walks onwards in the shadow of his departed oldest brother.

The voice of a narrator overrides the swelling of the music and states, "This is not a story of what is, or even what isn't, but the strange and warped might have been."

A young childish Senju Tobirama, white haired, pale, and thin, crouches over the revived corpse of his dead cat but instead finds himself staring into the impossibly green eyes of another little girl and her overwhelming, curling, red hair.

 _"_ _With her first hello, she gave new meaning to this empty world of mine. There'd never be another love, another time. She came into my life and made the living fine. She fills my heart."_

"In the world where the Shinigami responds not first to Namikaze Minato's bargain, but instead to the less direct call of the young Senju Tobirama, long before the birth of the hidden villages and the capture of the bijuu, the story of Konoha's origins, of the Senju, the Uchiha, and even Death itself is rewritten."

The girl, after blinking for a few moments, grins back at Tobirama who in turn stares and awkwardly finds himself grinning back.

Following this is the montage of Tobirama desperately trying to keep his own version of Eru Lee hidden from his brother and father, imperiously teaching her how to speak properly, watching in bafflement and terror as she distorts all the rules of the universe he has held near and dear to his heart, with desperation as he speaks in a candlelit room about a five-year-old brother who was far too young to die, and with a startled laugh as he stands beside her listening to her surprising wit and ridiculous antics.

 _"_ _She fills my heart with very special things, with angels' songs, with wild imaginings. She fills my soul with so much love, that anywhere I go I'm never lonely. With her around, who could be lonely?"_

But there is a desperate edge to this as well, as the pair grow older war bleeds into the images, the shadow Madara casts, first as an adolescent then as a young man is dark and deep. Hashirama stands worn, Mito's eyes are cold and her fingers stained with ink, Lee's hands cover themselves in blood, the dead rise then fall again, and beyond all of this cold eyes from the moon watch Earth and its golden tree and covet.

 _"_ _How long does it last? Can love be measured by the hours in a day? I have no answers now, but this much I can say..."_

In total darkness, from the sky, Tobirama and Lee fall, hands clasped, and glowing as if they were made of starlight. Beyond them dark chakra broils over in the cloud, and somewhere eyes deeper than the rinnegan are burning.

 _"_ _I know I'll need her 'till the stars all burn away…"_

Lee, dressed in black and white, her face covered in soot and her eyes burning, pulls Tobirama in closer towards her even as they plummet into the end of everything they've ever known.

 _"_ _And she'll be there."_

(Perhaps coming soon, with enough reviewer interest, to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

The Love Life of Senju Tobirama

A Documentary by The Magnificent Seven

Prompted by Autumn Pears

On the black screen, white kanji appears proclaiming, "The following is a non-profit documentary detailing the love life, or tragic lack thereof, of one Senju Tobirama with facts derived from local shinobi bar gossip."

Then, suddenly, Senju Tsunade is on a bar stool, several glasses in already, and dubiously eyeing the viewers through the camera's lens. Or rather, she is dubiously viewing the three genin behind the camera, all members of the notorious team seven, who have approached her.

"Gruncle Tobi's love life, geez kids, why do you want to go around knowing a boring thing like that?"

The camera bobs up and down, as if whoever is holding it has shrugged, and Lee's voice sounds, "Jiraiya said it was important to practice our investigative skills for the upcoming chunin exams."

"… And from that you got the nidaime's love life?"

"Well, no, we decided to do that one ourselves." Minato hesitantly admits, the view flashing over to him where he gives it an awkward smile, looking rather embarrassed about all of this.

"I, personally, thought it was a bad idea." Haru says, but before he can say anything else he is stopped by Lee with a, "Shut up Dead Last, no one respects your authority!"

Lee then goes onto say, "I just realized that I know nothing about the nidaime's love life. I mean, he's unmarried as far as our textbooks claim and being kage you think that wouldn't have been a thing. I just imagine he's had all sorts of dramatic affairs…"

"That's because he doesn't have a love life." Tsunade said.

"Doesn't…"

"Sure, ask Mito, ask the shodaime for that matter. I may not have been that old at the time but as far as I've heard gruncle Tobi's never really been interested in anyone. He probably would have married, if he had to, but being the spare he got out of that and by the time grandpa died, well, he was too busy."

Lee stares, then says, "That's unbelievably boring."

(And indeed, after reviewing their documentary, and confirming with the various sources about the nidaime's lack of dramatic love affairs, it was concluded by all members of team seven that this was hopelessly boring.

So instead, overriding Haru's panic and Minato's hesitation, Lee decided to make everything completely up and paint a dramatic love triangle between Senju Hashirama, Uchiha Madara, and Senju Tobirama, complete with giant fox battles, plant zombies sex clones, and more.

Needless to say, when Senju Tobirama found out all was not well within Konoha.)

* * *

Jiraiya and Wizard Lenin, strangely have managed to find themselves alone backstage together. Both sitting in chairs and eating the various food provided for them in between sets. Neither seem very pleased about this.

"So, you're that exorcist guy, right?" Jiraiya asks, in his own language but as a world between world we'll ignore the translation aspect for convenience.

Despite understanding this Wizard Lenin offers no response.

"Right, so, I've got to let you know I personally am not entirely cool with you being… well, not in T&I right now. It's nothing personal, you were just in my student's head and that kind of freaks me out."

Wizard Lenin still offers no response, merely glares, which unfortunately for him does nothing to phase Jiraiya.

"Seriously, if you weren't our only link to England besides Lee then you do know that you would be dead right now, right?"

Wizard Lenin stands, walks from the area, and does not even glance back.

Jiraiya blinks after him, and shouts, "Good talk, exorcist!"

* * *

The commercials fade to the sound of the audience cheering and the sight of the grinning Carnivorous Muffin standing outside the gates of Konoha.

"And we're back, everybody. In the blink of an eye we've travelled all the way to the mystical elemental nations where the war between ninja is centuries old and only growing more extreme as the ages pass. This is also known as the world of Naruto, or well, as I understand it… Having only managed to force myself to watch until the bridge arc."

The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces, "And believe me, that was hard enough."

Shaking themselves out of it the talk show muffin approaches the gate and walks past a pair of glaring guards, eyeing The Carnivorous Muffin suspiciously, fingers edging closer to blades and kunai. The Carnivorous Muffin obliviously walks past them and into the village, apparently believing that their status as the author apparent will grant them access to the village.

"Anyways, this specifically is the Konoha that exists within the 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds' universe. Years before Naruto's birth, Kakashi's being brutally traumatized, Obito becoming a plant cultist, and a few years shy of the bloody third war that will shake the foundations of the country. But who cares about all of that, we have people to visit and places to see." The Carnivorous Muffin motions to the various civilians and shinobi, who are starting to flock on rooftops to observe her, none approaching yet, but certainly eyes from every angle.

"Our first question brings us in contact with everyone from Orochimaru to Matsuda Haru. From our friend and comrade, halfcoop, to everyone in the 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds' universe, 'How does it feel that your whole universe is based on a story that your God only understand through second hand info."

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, perhaps realizing that this question is not only quite rude, but also quite worrisome, and certainly if someone had told this to her she wouldn't have taken it all that well. And these people are also trained killers from childhood, many of whom have very large temper problems…

"Well, right, we'd better get this show on the road!"

As The Carnivorous Muffin marches onward the camera remains behind and the screen dims, fading eventually into black, when it is dark completely The Carnivorous Muffin's voice sounds through.

"Well, that went… about as well as expected."

Slowly the scene of The Carnivorous Muffin sitting behind sealed bars, inside of Konoha's own torture basement, staring blankly ahead, fades into view.

"Since it will take too much time to recap all of that I suppose I'll just have to summarize."

"First, I ran into all of those red-shirt characters whose names no one knows or cares about. Needless to say, they didn't really care, or believe me for that matter, which is probably for the best."

(One can easily picture the various civilians and unknown shinobi giving this strange, civilian dressed, being dubious glances filled with derision.)

"I ended up finding the sannin in a bar, Tsunade drinking away the absurdity, Orochimaru wishing he could drink away the absurdity, and Jiraiya trying to keep it both together and real at the same time. I think, at first, they thought I might have been talking about Eru Lee. After they realized their error, Tsunade blew me off (to be expected really), Jiraiya tried to swallow it along with all the ridiculousness in his life so far, and I very nearly was skewered by Orochimaru. So, I left there fairly quickly."

(One can also very easily picture The Carnivorous Muffin almost being brained with a wooden chopstick thrown by Orochimaru's dexterous fingers.)

"After that I decided that perhaps I had better avoid the jonin and fully lethal population and talk to our genin friends. Shikaku, in the midsts of a shogi game with Inoichi, replied that he wasn't particularly surprised but wish he could have been. Inoichi replied that he was certainly surprised. Choza seemed more or less disbelieving, but seemed to enjoy the chips he was eating none the less."

(As a secondary character Shikaku has to deal with this bullshit without the benefit of narrative explanation. As tertiary characters, Inoichi and Choza are under the illusion that they live in a normal universe, broken only occasionally with revelations such as Eru Lee's immortality.)

"Then, passing the local ramen joint, I sat down for a bowl with Kushina and Mikoto, and this perhaps was the first time someone took me seriously… Both, for their own reasons, were upset by this question. Of course, they didn't promise violence as Orochimaru did but none the less they perhaps understood what they had lost and the true injustices of the world without the weariness of experience." The Carnivorus Muffin grimly smiled, "Kushina got over it quickly enough, or appeared to, and Mikoto stuffed it down. That's a shinobi's practicality for you though, if god is unfair then god is unfair and ignorant, and that's all there is to it. Why rage against the senseless machine when it will get you nothing?"

The Carnivorous Muffin breathes out, "Let's see, Kakashi was too young to really pay attention to that sort of thing. Sakumo, I think, had already known this to some degree, but none the less he regretted hearing it from me. He chooses not to believe in it, he says. Which I suppose is fair enough. Tobirama was dismissive, Hashirama pensive but optimistic, Hiruzen too busy to even think about such things…"

The muffin pauses, waiting for the audience to breathe in anticipation, "But of course, you're waiting for our favorite genin team, aren't you?"

"Matsuda Haru, Kyon of the universe, of course, was hardly surprised and irritated by the thought of it but unwilling to stand against it. To be expected, perhaps."

"Lee said she had known this years ago, and it was somewhat refreshing to hear it from someone else's lips for a change. You can only play Cassandra so many times before it wears on you. And Minato, our titular character? Well, he asked me, in turn, what it means to be god and what it means to be canon. Perhaps this is a world that belongs mostly The Carnivorous Muffin, borrowed from Naruto from time to time, or perhaps it's something that doesn't belong to anyone at all. Perhaps, even, this means that fate is destroyed and free will enforced, if God does not know their destiny beyond vague terms then they may transform into anything they wish."

"You see, he said, all possibilities are more than possible."

The Carnivorous Muffin lets the audience consider this, before adding, "And that's when they finally decided to throw me into prison. Which is a great time to cut to commercial breaks so I can employ Deus ex Machina off screen. In the meantime, stay tuned for more personal interviews with some of the Konoha nin."

The Carnivorous Muffin struggles against their bonds as the camera pans out and fades back into the monotony of the written commercials.

* * *

Excerpt from the potential second chapter of "How I Met Your Other Mother"

Starring: The Disgruntled Potential Narrator, twenty-year-old jonin, Nara Shikaku

"So, I'm confused, you're not dating Minato?"

Before they could even respond, before he could even find out the answer, he had the terrible feeling that he was going to regret the decision to confront them.

Nara Shikaku, liked to consider himself a reasonable person, perhaps one of the few left inside Konoha. Ever since Lee had grown up the number of rational people had dwindled and even inside of the clan some of the younger generation had found themselves warped by Eru Lee's mere presence.

After all, how could one rely on logic when there was no limit to the potential moves of the eternal and metaphorical shogi game. In a world with immortal shinobi, suicidal clones, teleportation, and near infinite chakra supplies why bother with something as tedious as strategy.

Point being, Shikaku was part of a dying breed.

And staring at Uzumaki Kushina and Eru Lee sitting on stools at Ichiraku's, Kushina with her arm slung over Lee's shoulder and leaning in far too close, with an expression that was too fond and too interested to scream anything platonic, and Lee dutifully eating her ramen and seeming to ignore all of it completely… Well, Shikaku had a bad feeling.

Kushina glanced over her shoulder at Shikaku, pouted at the sight of his raised eyebrows, because she knew very well that he could tell (and that everyone could tell even if they were blind) that she was apparently attempting to cheat on Minato with Lee of all people.

Which, really, was a terrible idea. Minato might seem unnaturally kind and forgiving for a shinobi but he had his moments. Someone displaying sexual interest in Eru Lee, well, that could trigger something truly frightening.

"No, I'm still dating Minato." Kushina said before adding her standard, "Believe it."

Looking at Lee, who was now glancing back at him with a glint of… something, in her eyes, he couldn't quite find himself believing it, "Really?"

"I just also happen to be dating Lee, at the same time, right Lee?"

His eyes, almost unwillingly, slid to Lee who just shrugged in return, "There was sex involved."

For a moment, he thought he hadn't heard right, then he realized he had heard right, and had to piece together what that even meant, "Wait… What?"

"You heard her, Lazy Nara" Kushina quipped, apparently taking great delight in not only stealing Lee's name for him but also in making him extremely uncomfortable, "Minato, Lee, and I had a legendary threesome."

Even though Shikaku had stopped speaking, Kushina kept talking, "That's right, not only a threesome but an awesome threesome, the kind that pervert sensei Jiraiya would be drooling to have, believe it!"

He didn't want to believe it, either way though he felt his legs growing weak and found himself sitting down at the counter. Sage, this was Haru's shit to deal with, as the third and only normal member of the magnificent seven it was his job to deal with this kind of… troublesome situation.

Really all he could ask was, "…How?" Then he paused and added an even more confused, "Why?!"

"Well, you see, Shikaku, when a man and a woman and another woman love each other very much…" Kushina started, almost patronizingly, but stroking Lee's hair as she did so, curling her fingers through the red ringlets all while Shikaku watched in both fascination and a sort of queasy horror.

"Not that how! I meant why would you do this?"

Kushina and Minato had been dating for years, and true, at first Shikaku had been dubious. After all, at that point Minato and Lee had still lived together but… But Lee and Minato didn't seem to have that kind of a relationship. They were platonic, more platonic than even two very close friends of the same gender, and in spite of the lack of romantic connection between the two there was still a depth to their bond that was really quite profound (if occasionally terrifying).

Although, there were some odd exceptions to this. For one, Minato chased off anyone who even glanced in Lee's general direction. Hell, for all that he didn't understand Lee she was quite pretty, exotic looking even, and Shikaku himself might have given taking Lee on a date a whirl if Minato wouldn't have torn him in half and fed him to toads for it.

Minato had also been very reluctant to give up their shared apartment and move in with Kushina. And as it was, whenever Lee was inside the village after a mission, he tended to move back in with her anyways even if she was staying at Hatake's compound.

All the same, he had never considered the possibility that… And of course, that was his mistake, he lived in Konoha with Eru Lee. He had no choice but to consider all possibilities no matter how improbable they might seem.

"It wasn't working," Kushina sighed, dropped her arm from Lee's shoulder and slumped for a moment, "We both knew it, or I did anyways, Minato likes to keep his head firmly in the sand, and I know it didn't look like it but… But something was missing, Lee was missing."

"You know, I was right here the whole time. Or, well, whenever I wasn't in Kusa, hardly missing." Lee commented, before adding, "Besides, I'm not sure what drunken sex has to do with any of that."

Shikaku had always doubted Lee even understood what sex was, it was uncomfortable to learn that he was more or less right about that, she knew the mechanics, but it appeared like the emotional ramifications missed her completely.

There was a reason the sandaime didn't send Lee on seduction missions.

"You would never think that you'd be the cuddler." Kushina said to Lee with a too bright grin for the situation. Lee, as expected, just stared blankly back.

Shikaku just tried to take this all in, piece it together, and now that he was thinking about it he couldn't help but picture them all in the act. Or, more specifically, Kushina and Lee in the act, something he'd never considered before but now couldn't seem to not think about…

Which Yoshino, the tokebetsu jonin he'd recently started dating, would not at all appreciate when she found out. And he had the terrible feeling she would find out, the troublesome woman.

Rubbing a hand across his temples and sighing he asked, "So, if you two are here… On a date, then where is Minato?"

"Oh, flakey blonde? He went to go have a panic attack in the woods with his Kashi-kun." Kushina said, with a wave of her hand, as if this wasn't anything anyone should be concerned about.

"Can you translate that?" He asked, rather bitingly as his patience was beyond nearing its end.

"Minato took Kakashi on a training trip and didn't say when he was coming back." Lee said, putting her now finished ramen to the side and considering this, "He did seem… very alarmed afterwards."

"He'll get over it. I mean, please, men would kill to be in his position." Kushina eyed him, "Shikaku, wouldn't you kill to be in Minato's position right now?"

And there was that image, against all reason, of Kushina and Lee naked together in a bed, flushed faces, hands gripping pale flesh and…

He stood, glared at the pair, shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and walked off muttering under his breath, "This has gone beyond troublesome to catastrophic."

He ignored Kushina's loud, so loud, taunts of, "You know you want it, Nara!" as he walked stiffly off in the direction of the Hatake compound, where he might be able to find out wherever Minato had dragged Kakashi off to so he could avoid his own problems and troublesome life.

(Features potentially: panicking Minato, dubious and nostalgic Hatake Sakumo, Haru washing his hands of everything, Jiraiya being inspired, and Kakashi the ten-year-old chunin love-guru.

Coming, with enough interest, soon to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

"And we're back everyone, and more importantly we're out of prison!"

Indeed, The Carnivorous Muffin has escaped Konoha without a scratch, and now sits comfortably back in their comfortable chair. This is met with enthusiastic cheers by the prompted audience, who are clearly glad for this show's continued existence.

After the clapping dies down The Carnivorous Muffin gives a great sigh of relief, "I'll tell you, you do not want to go messing around with those ninja and trespassing. Seriously, take my word for it. At any rate, we're back and about to invite on our first guest from "The Destroyer of World's" Konohagakure, namely the titular character and male protagonist, Namikaze Minato himself!"

The audience cheers, perhaps with actual enthusiasm this time, as the twelve-year-old, blonde, smiling boy waves hesitantly out to the audience and makes his way over to the seat opposite The Carnivorous Muffin.

"Alright, welcome Minato, to 'The Wonderful World of Fanfiction."

Minato awkwardly smiles and offers, "Well, I'm not quite sure any of us have ever left this wonderful world of fanfiction."

The audience's laughter is cued, Minato's head whips towards them and he blinks owlishly and in an almost disturbed manner, while The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces.

"Yeah… Get used to that, it's apparently a running gag."

(Note: The Carnivorous Muffin, currently writing this, still finds it hilarious. And, as there must always be more cowbell, so too, must there be more laugh track.)

"Anyways, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself before we get started?"

"Shouldn't they…" Minato starts, turning a wary eye towards the audience, smiling up at the stage in anticipation.

"Well, not everyone reads everything I write. So, there's probably a fair number of people who have been confused for about the past five-thousand words. Let's try not to drive them off further, shall we?" The Carnivorous Muffin briefly explains, still honestly surprised that anyone took this Naruto spin-off as seriously as they did, given that The Carnivorous Muffin knows the bare minimum of Naruto required to write a story about it.

"Oh, right, well, I'm Namikaze Minato. I'm a genin from Konoha, that's um… Should I explain what a genin is?" Minato asks, now looking dubious about this entire interviewing concept, which is fair, because this story is patently ridiculous.

"Mostly untrained, low ranking, ninja I think suffices."

Minato nods, slowly, dubious of this very blunt answer, which really doesn't capture all of the nuances but that's neither here nor there, "Right, well, I'm a student of Jiraiya's along with Eru Lee and Matsuda Haru and currently we're training for the chunin exams which are only a few months away."

"Also, terrible things happen to you all the time." The Carnivorous Muffin interjects.

"Right, and terrible things sometimes happen to us…" Minato says, looking sheepish at this very blunt summary of his life thus far, which is accurate, if overly simple.

"Excellent, with our introductions out of the way, let's get down to business. First, we have from reader and reviewer Luna Bass who prompted all this madness in the first place, 'In one of Muffin's other stories, an alternate version of Lee hears the voice of the English wizard's soul in her head for most of her life, can hardly imagine life without him, and would sacrifice almost anything for him. In your own story, you fill this role for your own Lee instead. What do you think of that?"

Minato blinks stares a little and as he does so The Carnivorous Muffin appears to grasp just what a complicated (if compact) question this is.

Finally, he says, "I'm not entirely sure how to…"

"Let's try parsing it out first." The Carnivorous Muffin said, "Try talking about Lee."

Minato contemplates this, truly mulls it over for a few silent moments, pale eyes boring into nothingness as the cogs in his mind whirl away, and finally, he starts, "For all that Lee talks about England I really don't know much about her life there or what it was really like. There's certain things she loves about it, but they're all… removed. She took the literature, the plays, the language, some of the customs but… It's been a long time since she's ever talked about what it was like there in any real detail."

Minato leans back, and as he does so he looks older than twelve, perhaps not the man he will become, but older than a child that age should, "I think she didn't have anyone there. No friends, no family, and everyone was either spiteful or completely indifferent, to the point where she's convinced that reality is a poorly implemented genjutsu. In five years she was brought up to expect nothing from anyone, to have no one think to want or expect anything genuine from her, and she's never once said she wants to go back."

The Carnivorous Muffin says nothing to this, not even that it is rather telling at the end of things, for all that Lee and Lily enjoy playing it casual, cool, and indifferent.

"As for the English shinobi, the wizard, well… It's frightening, to imagine a world where Lee didn't leave England. Where she stayed, and kept going, and whatever seal was on her forehead finally managed to sap enough of her chakra to start leaking through. And I can picture him so easily taking advantage of that, no, not even that, all he had to do was even look in her direction and…"

Minato trailed off, perhaps imagining the world of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus", and perhaps not. Perhaps he pictures something far more sinister, a dystopia that comes when men like Danzo become a kage, if the shinobi Lenin was only a little more persuasive and powerful and Lee herself a little less stubborn.

"I recognize that we're in similar positions, that we share some similar characteristics, but I think that man and I have ultimately very little in common." Minato says, "And that, I think, makes all of the difference between this hypothetical world of yours and the world I myself inhabit."

And that appears to be where he will leave this question, rather than ponder the more sinister ramifications of how, even with the best of intentions, he himself might turn into Shinobi Lenin. But then, there is significant danger of Wizard Lenin unwittingly turning himself into a man like Namikaze Minato, bent by the responsibilities he now carries by influencing such immense power.

"Alright, that was the only question to you today, but we did have a question for your counterpart."

"My counterpart?" Minato asked, looking a bit stunned as well as confused.

"You know, the canon version of you. Well, the adult canon version of you. Anyways, this one's from White Camellia, 'What do you think of Konoha with Lily?"

Minato, blinks, and says, "I've never really thought about what it would be like without her, to be honest."

"Well, after bringing him up to speed, more or less, he had this to say…"

Behind them on the screen, a video showing the worn face of the yondaime hokage, standing in the burning Konoha, the shadow of the kyuubi stretching out behind him, and he says, "Honestly, as bizarre and… alarming, as that sounds. I could use a god's help right about now."

The yondaime then turns from the camera, ignoring it completely, and Kakashi appears behind holding what appears to be the canon version of Naruto, and then as the Kyuubi looks closer the camera breaks and white noise replaces it instead.

The non-canon Minato, who is not familiar with the events he has yet to avoid in canon, looks at the video with extreme alarm.

"And there you have it, sort of, honestly that question is sort of worthy of a fic unto itself so he can't really do it justice in a time and place like this." The Carnivorous Muffin then waves to the audience, "Stay tuned folks, we'll be back after this short commercial break."

However, before they can cut to said break, Minato puts two and two together and asks, "Did I just… Did I just die?!"

"Cut to commercial, cut to commercial!"

* * *

Introducing, a scene from the fic you never thought you wanted, and probably didn't want even when you suddenly realized it was a possibility, except that it was prompted by Bannana Pie so you can totally blame them.

(Somewhere in Scotland, on the grounds of Hogwarts, it's snowing and raining at the same time.)

A collision of the greatest Harry Potter troll fanfiction to have ever been created and one of the weirdest fanfictions to have ever been created.

A tall, pale, dark haired with colored strips, wearing fishnet tights with holes in them, high healed lace up dark boots, a cute leather miniskirt from Hot Topic, a black corset with red ruffles along the front, a silver intricate pendant with a pentagram inscribed upon it, dark overly thick eye shadow, thick mascara, blood red lipstick, and an eerie amount of foundation, walks through the campus of Hogwarts with pale blue eyes and a truly goffick smirk upon her lips.

As she passes by a blonde, pink wearing, preppy, Gryffindor who, despite whatever her true name might be, has forever been referred to as Brittany, is shoved out of the way by a gale of dark goffick magic. And all those other preps from Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and those nerds from Ravenclaw quickly look at Brittany and then walk away to avoid the goffick retribution coming for them.

It's… My Immortal v Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus.

 **AN: Special fangs, if you don't get it then fook you prep, to The Carnivorous Muffin for pledgerisssng da storie and stilin ma charactrzz. Tell the preps to go fuk themselves and to all u goffick faans oot thar, you rock. Oh, and flammers, stoop flammin the story, okay! The Carnivorous Muffin stils thangs all de time, and is waay cooler dan u preppy loosers.**

 **Tanks for helpin me with da spelling, u are da luv of ma depersing life, and tell Raven I said hi.**

 **666**

 **Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

 **666**

 _In which Lily learns the true nature of the world and the ultimate battle between the preps and the goths that would determine the fate of the universe, Lily is blamed for recent events and in turn chooses to blame Rabbit for recent events, and everyone becomes a Satanist._

Lily wanted to say she was feeling an acute sense of déjâ vu that morning, on par with her presenting Lepur Rabbitson's half-brother, Lepur Rabbitson, to her Defaultian comrades but at the same time it wasn't. If only because this time Lily herself wasn't doing the introducing, in fact she wasn't doing much of anything, just eating breakfast with the team, listening as Wizard Lenin complained about the state of the education to anyone who would give him half an ear (which appeared to only be Luna), and had only been thoroughly interrupted when… well… this happened.

Actually, they had all been interrupted, as they turned to stare at the new transfer student, just announced by Dumbledore, and presented to the Default table with unholy glee or at the very least an unholy amount of relief from the other heads of houses, that she wouldn't be their problem.

Which, well, Lily herself wasn't one to judge but none the less…

That was an awful lot of leather for the Hogwarts uniform, especially on a twelve-year-old. Actually, it was just a lot of eye catching clothing in general on a twelve-year-old. The leather miniskirt, the leather corset, the leather dog-collar, the leather shoes, not to mention the foundation, the blood red lipstick, and the startling amount of eyeliner.

"The hell, Ellie?" Blaise commented, turning to her with an accusing glance. To which everyone responded by also staring at Ellie, like this was all her fault somehow.

Before Lily could proclaim that she had no idea what was going on, both to appease Blaise, as well as Wizard Lenin who was getting a very suspicious look on his face the girl spoke, "Hi,"

She seemed to be waiting for some response, except not, because although there was an awkward pause the girl didn't seem flustered by it. Instead she sat down right across from Wizard Lenin and next to Hermione, either oblivious or unbothered by the increased intensity of Hermione and Wizard Lenin's glaring.

Lily finally realized that someone was going to have to say something and apparently that was going to have to be her, "Hello… So, you're a transfer student."

The girl nodded, then exclaimed because for whatever reason it was an exclamation, "I'm actually a vampire and a witch, and I'm seventeen, I've spent the past eighteen years touring with god Chralotte as their lead singer, but then I realized that I needed to go to Hogwaarts and had to come back, but I decided to look younger so that I could go to classes with the goffs instead of those looser prepz."

For a moment, no one said anything, then with a sigh, Daphne said, "This is worse than the Albanian."

"Excuse me?" Wizard Lenin's eyebrows raised and for a second he seemed to baffled at the thought of anyone saying that to be angry.

"Oh, can it Rabbitson, you know you're damn creepy and don't even pretend that you're not!" Daphne, it was to be noticed, had reached her limit long before this particular breakfast with Wizard Lenin's grand charade.

"I am traumatized! I have had a very difficult childhood!" The sad thing was that Wizard Lenin actually seemed rather offended by all of this. Then he pointed to the unnamed girl sitting among them, "And she has had some sort of a stroke!"

"But seriously, Ellie, I will play however much quidditch you want if you stop dragging people into Default. It's starting to get embarrassing." Blaise commented, waving off both Wizard Lenin and Daphne before they could go at each other's throats.

"Yeah, that's great but… This one isn't mine." Lily said, hoping one of them realized that the girl, whatever her name was, was still sitting right there.

The girl certainly realized as she raised her middle finger and said in a rather slurred tone, "Foook you prepz!"

It was a sad statement about Default that not one of them felt the inclination to be polite towards her. In fact, it was a very sad statement that out of all of them, probably her, Rabbit, and Luna were in any position to even pretend to be interested.

As if on cue Luna took it as her time to shine.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. That was very rude of us, also I've never been called a prep before, is that some kind of a bird?" Luna said, twittering in fact much like a bird as she inspected the newest apparent addition to Default with a cocked head, "My name's Luna Lovegood, and sitting across from you is comrade Lenin Rabbitson, next to you is our resident realist and cynic Hermione Granger, Blaise the quidditch expert, Daphne the beautiful one, Lepur Rabbitson the nameless demon from the void beyond existence, and finally our glorious leader in the battle for existence, Eleanor Lily Potter. What's yours?"

The girl sniffed, but no longer seemed quite so offended, and replied, "My name is Enoby Darkness Dementia Raven Way, and as you can probably tell I'm a goff."

"You don't say?" Was Wizard Lenin's dry, raised eyebrows, response to this.

"I'm also a Satanist."

This however, had Hermione spewing her oatmeal across the table. After choking on her food for a few moments, Hermione offered her first comment of the day, "Ellie, I'll accept the Albanian communists and demons, I don't think I can handle a Satanist."

"I'm serious guys, this isn't mine!" Lily said, but as with the Chamber of Secrets it seemed as if no one was quite willing to believe her.

And, almost unwillingly, Lily noticed the pale blue color of the girl's eyes. A color that was almost reminiscent of Wizard Lenin's, a thought Lily didn't want to have inside of her head. Because they had never considered the possibility that Wizard Lenin's bastard daughter, who Wizard Lenin was so undyingly ashamed of that he never once mentioned her, would be the one to unleash the basilisk in the school instead of Wizard Lenin's other half.

"Right, so some vampire witch, just shows up in the middle of the year, while there's a murder investigation going on, and it's not your fault? Let me guess, she's also from Albania, isn't she?"

Lily was about to respond that, no, it wasn't her fault at all, but out of absolutely nowhere, well, apparently from the Slytherin table, Draco Malfoy had appeared. Or at least, Lily thought it was Draco Malfoy, it certainly looked like him. Well, if he'd turned his eyes red for whatever reason and started wearing loose baggy pants with chains, which also did not match the Hogwarts uniform.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," Ebony replied flirtatiously, her red eye shadow doing wonders to accentuate the pale blue of her eyes.

"Guess what?"

"What?" Ebony asked.

"Good Charlotte is having a concert in Hogsmede," he told me.

"Oh, my, fucking, god!" Ebony screamed in delight, standing and shaking the table as she did so, "I love GC, they are my favorite band, besides MCR."

"What the hell is a GC?" Wizard Lenin asked Lily, his reference to all things in popular culture, but frankly Lily had no idea either. It didn't seem to matter though to New Draco and Ebony, in fact, from their expressions it looked like Christmas had come both murder free and early to Hogwarts.

"Well, do you want to go wif me?" Draco asked, much to the shocked horror of the Default table.

Enoby gasped.

END OF CHAPTER

(Lily turned to her Default peers, they turned to Lily, and Lily proclaimed, "I believe, comrades, that the universe could very well be destroying itself as we speak."

For once, no one disagreed.)

 **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

 **AN: Is it gut? Plez tell me, fangs. I won't continue without 10 good reviows!**

* * *

The lights come back on to the talk show floor and the Carnivorous Muffin waves at her audience, "And we're back, everybody!"

The audience cheers enthusiastically as ever, as they seem to do every time we cut back from commercial break, and The Carnivorous Muffin patiently waits for them to finish before continuing.

"Oh, well, we have a very exciting guest for you coming up. Also from Konoha, the female protagonist of 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds', everyone give a warm welcome to none other than Eru Lee!"

Eru Lee strolls in, perfectly confident and unphased by the clapping, even stopping to give a small militaristic bow to the audience in multiple directions, and then takes her seat without hesitation in the chair.

"Well, you look very at ease, that's quite unusual for this sort of thing." The Carnivorous Muffin remarks, which of course is accompanied by the sound of the laugh track.

"Really, I think it's kind of relieving, some of the great mysteries of life were just explained." Lee comments tapping her fingers on the arm rest and looking around at her surroundings in fascination.

"Even if the mystery of life is that you're the hobby of some fan fiction writer?"

"Sure, it's better than the world being a reality television show," Lee explains, then adds, "Or we could all just be stuck in a giant genjutsu produced by Madara and plant zombies."

The Carnivorous Muffin concedes that point, "Fair enough, I suppose. Anyways, why don't you say a little about yourself for the audience?"

"Well, my name's Eru Lee, I'm a ninja, I also happen to be a fictional character based extremely loosely upon another fictional character." Lee supplies, readily enough, and with that alarming blank grin that she tends to favor.

"…Right, that was… accurate." The Carnivorous Muffin finally settles on.

"I do try to be very to the point about these kinds of things. Besides, I'm not really all that interesting, I'm just one of the many iterations of Harry James Potter floating about the bits and bytes of the world-wide web."

"That's also true."

"In fact, I'm less than that, I am a spin-off of a very specific and bizarre interpretation of Harry James Potter. One might say I have less existence than even most non-existent ideas."

It is at this point that the muffin clearly decides this has gotten out of hand, "Anyways, enough about who we are and who we aren't. Are you ready to answer a few questions from the audience?"

"Sure, ask away," Lee proclaims, with all the confidence she dares to muster as a mostly untried genin.

"First we have…"

"The will of fire," Lee interjects, not even waiting for the muffin to finish speaking.

"…No," the talk show host responds slowly, and then tactfully adds, "Let me finish the question first, Lee."

"Oh, right."

"This is from Cessau, 'Do toads really exist? Or are toads really frogs? I once read Angela the Herbalist's (not really) research on the existence of toads. Her research was inconclusive. Do you have insight into this quandary?"

For a moment, Lee appears quite blank, then she says slowly, "I thought we covered this, nothing exists, it's all just fan fiction."

"No, no, I believe they mean in reality. You know, outside of fan fiction."

Lee leans forward, giving the host a rather piercing look, "And where is that, Muffin? Are we not now outside of fanfiction, peering into our own stories and lives? And you yourself, sitting somewhere outside of this realm, how are you so certain that you in turn are not fan fiction?"

The Carnivorous Muffin ponders this for a moment, then scoffs, "My life would be very boring fan fiction."

"Well, no one said it had to be interesting, did they?" Lee smiles, pleased with herself, and declares, "Thus my answer, the only answer, is 'inconclusive' or else the all-consuming 'neither!"

The Carnivorous Muffin, for all that they enjoy existentialism, decides that it's best to move on before they start questioning the existence of themselves entirely.

"Right, next we have a question from myriad-souls who asks, 'Since Death is your father, do you have any idea who your mother was? Or perhaps is?"

Lee considers this for a moment, then declares, "Honestly, I'm thinking immaculate conception."

"Immaculate conception," the muffin repeats slowly, as if they are very much doubting Eru Lee's sanity, then adds, "You do realize that in this scenario, Death is your father."

"He's also Death, I think he can do pretty much whatever he wants. Birth doesn't always work like that for gods."

"I think you're missing the point of this hypothetical question."

Lee becomes visibly frustrated, "What, you think he just popped into England one day and had sex with Lily Evans of all people? Why?"

"That's not really what I was thinking when I read that question but…"

"And it's not like anyone else would have been that much better anyways. Honestly, it's really not that much of a thing."

The Carnivorous Muffin decides to assume, for the sake of the audience, that the answer really is Lily Evans.

"Okay, onto the next one then… Geez, you're really popular today. This is from , 'In the manga each chakra has a different color, Naruto's is yellow, Sasuke's purple, and Sakura's gren. What color is yours and what types of releases do you use?"

"…What's chakra?"

That, The Carnivrous Muffin thinks, says more than enough about that.

"Okay, let's see here, this next one is from Guest to every iteration of Harry James Potter, 'What is your favorite animal and why?"

Lee blinks, blinks again, and says, "I have no interest in such materialistic things."

Perhaps, The Carnivorous Muffin should have expected that.

"Never mind, final question, this one's from CrimsonDomi and is addressed to all iterations of Lily, 'How do you relate to dying? How would you describe it?"

Lee pauses, then says slowly, "It's like opening your eyes, realizing that everything around you is merely cardboard but that the mountains you see in the distance are not, and getting up to walk towards them. But it's also like being pulled under something dark and heavy, down and down past all that seems remotely real. It's a sharp flower of pain but also a slow saunter into sleep. It's as varied as life itself, and that's all I can say about it."

The Carnivorous Muffin nods, and says, "That was quite profound, I think, with that we'll cut to commercials and move on to our next guests."

* * *

Opening this holiday season at Yagami and Jone's popular art gallery is Jones' latest collection, "The Flying Fists of Mr. Norris"

Prompted by cicadachirps

Anna Jones, one of the two contributing artists, gives her summary of the series, "Yes, every piece of art will focus on the imaginary Chuck Norris. An almost divine being of kung-fu action and terrifying prowess. Who is at once noble as he is demonic, and whose round-house kicks spell death for all who might pursue him. Because you see, you don't stare into the soul of Chuck Norris, he stares into yours."

One such piece is a blurred photograph of the desolate surface of Mars and the words, "Chuck Norris once went to Mars, that is why there are no signs of life."

Also in the gallery is the latest oil painting installation by Light Yagami, here were his thoughts on Anna Jones' far more interesting and innovative works, "Well, they aren't cats."

And indeed, they are not cats, once again Miss Jones proves how profound her pieces are and how versatile her interests extend. Her 'pop art' as she calls it, is a revolution in the art world, something we have never seen before.

Nothing shows this more than Mr. Yagami's pieces in comparison. Although technically brilliant, imaginative, and surreal, Yagami's oil paintings just lack the vibrancy and versatility of Jones' in this new art world of ours. And while they are beautiful to admire they will never garner true interest.

So, while you're in the area drop on by to the gallery and see what new and exciting piece catches your attention.

(Needless to say, Light Yagami, when he read this, lit the offending article on fire.)

* * *

The lights turn back on, the audience claps, and once again (with an extreme feeling of déjà vu) the sight of The Carnivorous Muffin greets the audience.

"Hello everybody, wow, we really have a lot of guests today. Actually, as we go along and I'm starting to notice how long this is getting I've decided to divide your questions up into sections. So, we'll only cover the Naruto stuff people asked in chapter one today and then move on to the other sections in the next episode and chapter. Because seriously, I'm tired."

"With that in mind we only have a few guests left, and only a few questions for each. First, from, kanazak we have a question both for Orochimaru and the mysterious English Ninja currently living in Tobirama's basement."

The screen behind the muffin lights up and a clip plays, the English ninja stares blankly at the camera, the chakra suppression seals prominent from the inside of his wrists where the kimono falls short, while off-screen from somewhere behind the camera The Carnivorous Muffin asks, "What do you think about how Orochimaru has tried and failed to do everything you, yourself, have succeeded in, and yet has been far more successful in becoming an irreplaceable member of his society's leadership, military, and scientific research?"

At first the man blinks, then blinks again, and in a bland voice he asks, "Who are you and why do you think you can talk to me?"

He lunges forward then, the camera is knocked to the side, there is a flurry of movement, and then the video cuts short into white noise.

"We shortly experienced technical difficulties after that question," The Carnivorous Muffin, sitting live as the talk show host, comments.

Another clip is then played, this one in a new setting, in the polished, silver, laboratory of Orochimaru. Orochimaru stands there, peering through a microscope and not paying the least bit attention to the camera, "Orochimaru, while you've failed in your quest to become immortal, you have succeeded in everything Wizard Lenin failed just as surely as he succeeded where you failed. You are a key member of your nation's government, military, and its most prominent researcher. You have notoriety that will last until the end of the age of ninjas. While you may physically lack immortality, you rreputation and your influence on your country will last for aeons. While I don't expect you to give up on your quest, can you not at least admit that thus far, you've still made quite the impact and have achieved the same sort of immortality that a famous general or king of old possesses? It's really quite impressive, man!"

Orochimaru doesn't sigh, instead he goes perfectly still, he then turns to the camera, and asks, "Who are you and why do you think you can talk to me?"

Then as his eyes narrow he says rather bitterly, "Besides, I have no use for meaningless drivel like fame and notoriety."

The Carnivorous Muffin behind the camera asks, "Was that a no to that question then?"

Orochimaru says nothing, instead, he brings his thumb up to his lips and bites through the skin, a red pearl of blood forming, which he promptly uses to summon a terrifyingly oversized snake, "Manda, congratulations, I believe I've managed to find a snack for you after all."

Once again there is movement, the camera falls to the side, and shortly the video disappears completely in white noise and static.

"And as you can see, we once again had technical difficulties."

The Carnivorous Muffin sighs, rubs at their face tiredly, clearly done with these people. And says, "As for short questions we have one more before we cut to commercial and then our final interview of the evening. To Jiraiya, the reviewer Helixical asked, 'What does it feel like to know that Eru Lee holds your entire universe in the palm of your hand? She's literally god."

A final clip of Jiraiya plays, showing him standing in the middle of Konoha's central street, looking extremely uncertain and out of sorts for a ninja of his caliber. For a moment, he simply stares, then stares again, and then he says, "Very concerned… And like I need a very strong drink."

(It is unclear whether this makes Jiraiya feel better about his situation or not.)

The Carnivorous Muffin waves as the clip turns off, "Alright everybody, last commercial break and then our final interview of the night!"

The audience cheers and the show fades into the monotony of another set of commercials.

* * *

"Oh my god, Lenin, look! It's Harry Potter!"

Lily and Wizard Lenin sit backstage, people watching without shame, when their eyes land on the infamous Harry James Potter slouching in his own chair with a brooding scowl. This is to be expected as this is the fifteen-year-old, chronically moody, Harry James Potter from the fifth canon book.

Although, what he's doing backstage, as he has no official scheduled interview with the muffin in question, is unclear.

Wizard Lenin, like The Carnivorous Muffin herself for most of that book, looks dubiously at the boy with raised eyebrows and asks, "Am I supposed to be impressed?"

Lily whacks him across the head, which looks less ridiculous than it would have had Wizard Lenin been in his original created body, as it is in the form of Lenin Rabbitson it's a little easier to swallow, "Have some respect Lenin!"

"Why should I?"

This is more of a rhetorical question but Lily, being notoriously bad at recognizing that brand of questioning goes on to explain anyways, "That sulking, broody, four-eyed nerd is the closest thing we have to a god! We were created in his image, in his universe, we are a derivation of him and everything he knows."

"I don't remember being made in his image," Wizard Lenin comments drily, and certainly without the respect Lily feels that Harry James Potter deserves.

"No, you're derived from an evil snake man." Lily responds, which is certainly fair, because as far as source material goes Wizard Lenin has no room to throw stones in his very glass house.

They both continue to observe the rather oblivious boy, and Lily declares, "We should talk to him."

Wizard Lenin is very dismayed by this suggestion, "What? No! Let's not go talk to him!"

"This may be the only chance we ever have, Lenin, to find out the true Don't you want to meet your maker?"

Wizard Lenin stands, pointing to the boy in question, who finally seems to realize that people are talking about him (or at this point shouting), "That boy is not my maker!"

"No, you're right, a muffin is your maker."

Wizard Lenin, by his expression, does not find this comforting so much as he finds it absolutely infuriating. Lily, by her expression, isn't impressed by this latest temper tantrum. Harry James Potter, looking for his wand, looks more concerned than anything else.

"I have no interest in meeting the supposed thing that designed me! I am not something pulled off of a mass-produced line, wound up, and set loose! I design myself, I build myself, I do not belong to him, or to her, or to anyone for that matter!"

"Considering that we're not real, Lenin, I have to say I beg to differ." Lily comments with a shrug, "It is what it is though, nothing to get upset about."

Wizard Lenin, however, is very upset. In fact, he's too upset to function, and finally having a human body he's able to do something he's wanted to do for years, and punch Lily in the face. Lily, dazed, blinks for a moment, and then does something she's wanted to do for years and punches him right back in his.

They then spend the next half hour letting out years of pent up aggression and frustration by kicking the shit out of each other while Harry James Potter carefully sneaks away from backstage under his invisibility cloak and prays that neither of them notice he's missing.

* * *

"Alright everyone, we're back and about to interview our final guest for the evening!"

There's a collective groan of disappointment from the audience. The Carnivorous Muffin holds up their hands in defense, "Come on everyone, we'll get to everyone else next time, I know it's hard but…"

"What about Rabbit?" Someone from the audience asks.

The Carnivorous Muffin blinks, they hadn't thought the audience could interrupt, "I'm sorry, what?"

"What about Rabbit? I have some serious questions for Rabbit?"

"Well, we'll interview Rabbit next time…"

"But what if he eats the show?"

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses and hesitantly replies, "I don't think that's going to happen,"

"You don't know that, so we should interview Rabbit now before he gets hungry and eats us all."

"…We're not interviewing Rabbit."

Another audience member pipes up, "Are we talking to Lily then? I have a lot of questions for Lily."

"Nope, we don't have time for Lily either," The Carnivorous Muffin responds shortly, feeling this is beginning to get out of hand.

"Is it Wizard Lenin? I have a lot of questions for Wizard Lenin? Does he really have a plan to take over the country or is he just going to stay in Hogwarts forever? Also, does he have a pet snake? You've never mentioned if he had a pet snake."

(Let it be said that the Carnivorous Muffin cannot currently remember if she wrote Wizard Lenin as having Nagini or not, she's leaning towards no, because she just can't picture Wizard Lenin enjoying a conversation with a giant snake.)

"Uh, no, it's not Wizard Lenin either."

"Frank?"

"Not him either."

"Then it has to be Death, right?"

"Oh for god's sake people, it's Haru!"

Nobody responds for a moment, finally, someone asks, "Who's that?"

"You know, Matsuda Haru, from 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds', he's the third member of team seven…"

The audience collectively groans, "Dead Last? We're wasting our last interview on Dead Last?!"

"Hey, people have serious questions for Haru! Besides, he's not a bad character…"

A few rather loud members of the audience push this aside rather easily, "He's boring, he doesn't have any special blood limits, he doesn't even have any talent!"

"Well, yes, but that's what makes him…"

"He's like… normal, why would I read a story about magic ninja to just get normal? That's like reading Twilight without vampires."

(The Carnivorous Muffin has also always been a little dubious about Twilight fanfiction sans vampires, the vampires and the vampire wars were the only things that made it remotely interesting, without them… Well, you have Bella and Edward.)

The Carnivorous Muffin appears to decide that they're done with this bullshit and summons Haru despite the disappointed groaning of the audience, "Anyways, without further ado, here's Dead Last, otherwise known as Matsuda Haru from 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds!"

Haru walks in looking both exhausted and wary of the audience but eventually finds his way to his seat.

"Welcome, Haru, to our wonderful show."

"Oh, thanks, it's um… great to be here." Haru is not the most enthusiastic of guests but he is one of the least eccentric. An average sized, average looking, dark haired little boy, with callouses on his hands but none of the experience or talent to show for it.

Haru has steadily grown on The Carnivorous Muffin since his first introduction in the story, although, he will probably always play the role of Kyon or else The Butt Monkey.

"You have a surprising amount of questions from the audience, as the third member of team seven, and perhaps the most relatable one, many of the reviewers find you quite compelling. Still, there's some out there who don't know you, particularly since you're an original character. So why don't you introduce yourself?"

Haru cringes for a moment, and slowly says, "Well, I'm Haru, I'm on team seven… I'm probably the only normal part of team seven, I'm also the least talented part. I barely passed the academy exams, I'm kind of worried I'll die during the chunin exams… Uh, I can almost walk up a tree?"

The Carnivorous Muffin waits for anything else, but there is apparently nothing, and finally the talk show host says, "Well, that was succinct."

"Can you just ask the questions?" Haru asks, which is an easy enough request to fulfil.

"Alright then, this first one's in a similar vein though. Reader and reviewer AmaiKotori asks, 'What has your life been like since graduating when you're not with the team? Family, friends, fans?"

"I have fans?" Haru asks, and then grimaces.

"I'm sure you do. Since Lee scared away most of the heart-eyed girls just by looking at them too long there weren't any fangirls for Minato, Shikaku caught on quickly and then Fugaku, the Hyuga twins, Inoichi, and Choza did too which leaves..."

Haru finishes the thought, "Which leaves me and a few of the others for fangirls to cluster around… Is that why I kept getting free lunch? Wow, that makes a lot of sense in retrospect. Well, I haven't seen any fangirls around recently, I guess points for being a part of team seven."

Haru then shrugs and continues, "As for friends, well, a lot of the people I knew and were close with were civilian born like me only, well, a lot of them either dropped out earlier or didn't pass the exams. So, well, I'm sort of the last one left out of that group and since I'm training so much anyways that sort of makes Minato and Lee the closest things I have to friends."

Haru pauses, the horror of this sinking in, the fact that the closest thing he has to friends right now are Minato and Lee. And to be fair to him, this a justifiably horrible situation.

"As for my family, well, they don't really get it. They're supportive, but I don't think they know what it really means to be a ninja. I mean, they know it's dangerous, they know, we all do but… My teammates are geniuses, my sensei is a part of the sannin, and I'm well, on that team. We're a field team, and we're going to see action, we have already. I could have already died on any of those missions! And I don't want to tell them either because, well, I still want to be a ninja. So I just… I go home, and I tell them everything's fine. And that's that."

"And that's that? Well, I suppose I'll let that answer lie then, unfortunately the final question for you also deals with your personal life. This is from eSemmel, 'What does a typical day in your life look like? Have you met any aliens, time travelers or espers yet? Secret infiltrators who were secretly plant zombies? If the latter, did they dream of photosynthesizing sheep? And the ever popular, where do you see yourself in twenty years?"

Matsuda Haru seemed to have no idea how to answer that, "Well, uh, I train a lot… Otherwise I do… things… Um, I have no idea what those things are, I really hope I haven't met plant zombies and… In twenty years I see myself, not dying?"

"That's a good goal to have in life."

"Yeah, uh, I hope it comes true. I would hate to die before I hit fifteen, you know… I mean, that's only three years away."

"That would be young."

Haru pauses, then says, "You know, people die in the chunin exams."

"I had heard that."

"Yeah, and, there's usually a death every year or so… And, well, I really would like not to be that one guy who dies…." Haru stood, looking panicked towards the audience, then muttered under his breath as he dashes away, "I need to train more."

The Carnivorous Muffin looks after him, stunned, and says, "Well, I guess we're done here folks. Goodbye everybody, we'll get to all of those other questions next time! In the meantime don't worry, be happy, and remember to keep reading more ridiculous fanfiction and leave your questions for next time!"

The audience is prompted to excitedly cheer, even as some book over the lack of Rabbit in this chapter, and the camera pans out and the credits begin to roll.

* * *

Starring:

The Carnivorous Muffin as The Written Representation of The Carnivorous Muffin

Lily as The Bizarre Cameo Moving the Story Along

Wizard Lenin as The Pseudo Albanian Straight Man to Lily's Ridiculousness

Sally Anne as That Which Never Was

Senju Tobirama as The Star of his Own Romantic Drama or Humiliating Documentary

Senju Tsunade as The Legitimate Source of Information on Senju Tobirama's Love Life

Jiraiya as The Man on a Quest for Normalcy or at Least Pretend Everything is Fine

The English Shinobi as The Man Even More Frustrated Than Wizard Lenin

Orochimaru as The Mad and Angry Scientist

Namikaze Minato as The Shinobi Philosopher

Nara Shikaku as The Voice of Reason

Uzumaki Kushina as The Voice of Chaos

Eru Lee as The Only One Happy with the Situation

Matsuda Haru as The One Who Will Probably Die in the Chunin Exams

Light Yagami as A Struggling Artist

Anna Jones as An Artist Raking in the Dough

Rabbit as Sir Not Appearing in this Chapter

* * *

Guest Starring:

Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way

Harry James Potter

* * *

 **Author's Note: And I can't believe there was actually that much interest in this. That said, sorry for not getting to all the questions, it just got so long and I felt it best to take a break before answering the rest. So, with that, expect the answers to the rest of the questions next time (i.e. the "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus", "God of the Machine", "October", "The Wasteland", and all the other fandom related questions from last time that I didn't get to.)**

 **With that said, if you're interested in any of the advertised potential fics (although I make no promises to follow through with those), have more questions, comments, complaints, and more feel free to review. And thank you to those who did read and review, your questions really are what drive this thing and this chapter would not have existed without them.**

 **Disclaimer: You all know what I own and what I don't.**


	3. Episode Two: The Bigger Boat

Today's chapter of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" is brought to you by Richard Harris' "Macarthur Park" and that truly baffling and melancholic line about cakes melting in the rain. All that green delicious icing flowing down…

* * *

Once again it is show time and with all derivations of Harry Potter running around backstage, naturally there is chaos. One of the curtains is on fire, an extradimensional portal has opened somewhere on the left side of the stage, plant zombies wage war against Eru Lee and her genin comrades, Uchiha Madara plots grand overarching conspiracies with the mysterious and most likely possessed Ginny Weasley of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus", Jiraiya and "October's" Tom Riddle drink to the absurdity of their lives and trying to live through it anyways, Bella Swan tries to rationalize her overwhelming and rather self-destructive love for Edward Cullen with Emotional Support Lee, and in spite of all of this the show is still due to begin in five minutes.

Death of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" sits, flipping through a worn copy of "Dune Messiah" idly, sitting across from him is the no less enigmatic if somehow younger and less experienced Azrael of "October" staring at the chaotic scene beyond them with raised eyebrows, and completing the circle is the original canon Harry James Potter whom they are all derived from in one way or another.

"So… You're all me, right?" Harry asks, which turns the attention of the other two back to him, if only for a moment.

"In a sense, we're what you could be, a hundred thousand years from this moment." Azrael explains.

With a sigh, obviously displeased with this brief explanation Death expands, "However, this is unlikely, as you are ultimately controlled by J.K. Rowling, who gave no indication that her iteration of Harry Potter would venture into a realm populated by science fiction."

"What do you mean?" Harry asks, pushing his glasses back and looking caught somewhere between puzzled and relieved, because he is not certain he wants to be like these strange men.

Death and Azrael look towards each other then the younger, potential, version of themselves, finally Azrael says, "We are very… stretched for the purposes of The Carnivorous Muffin's own enjoyment."

Death then goes onto explain, "Tell me, did you feel most of your questions were answered by the end of the last book?"

"…Yes?" Harry Potter asks, because they were, he had met Dumbledore in the train station one last time, and had even been shown a glimpse of his future with Ginny.

"Yes, it very neatly wrapped up. Now, what if I were to tell you, that twenty years or so later from that epilogue you end Ginny would end up divorced, you would most likely wander the world as some sort of magical vagabond learning ancient and mystical arts as you went, you then outlived everyone and went on to join the colonization of space, left Earth behind forever, became a space pirate at some point, lived through hundreds of terrible wars, became a god emperor, and eventually witnessed the death and destruction of the universe and finding yourself inexplicably alive afterwards? Would you think that this future, given the theme of love and family in Harry Potter, is at all likely?"

"Uh, not really."

"The truth is our enigmatic goddess and prophet has little interest in Harry Potter," Death continues, "Oh she enjoys parts, she has a fondness for what Tom Riddle could have been if you tilt your head sideways a bit. She likes the idea of what Harry Potter could be years from now, when illogical explanations and inconsistencies regarding his immortality are resolved. But ultimately, The Carnivorous Muffin would rather read a book by Philip K. Dick or else Frank Herbert's 'Dune' series again."

"Except not after the third, because then things become very strange." Azrael interjected with a knowing nod from Death, who had never quite been able to get over Leto the giant immortal prophetic sand worm emperor either.

"That is perhaps why our stories have so little resemblance in themes and values of the original. The Carnivorous Muffin doesn't want to rewrite Harry Potter, she hasn't even made a real effort to reread Harry Potter (which shows in her constant forgetting of details and plot points from canon). So, while we are Harry Potter, we are derivations, extreme derivations, ones that can only exist by taking a leap of faith and then one leap beyond that."

Harry takes this in slowly, "So, I'm not going to end up like you guys then?"

Azrael responds with, "It's exceedingly unlikely", while Death offers a far blunter, "With the probability of a snowball's chances in hell."

Death flips open his book once again, reading as Paul's empire crumbles in on itself and prophecy leads to his ruin, "No, you, Harry Potter, will marry Ginny Weasley, have three children, become an auror, and tell your son that you named him after the bravest men you know. Who, consequently, also were the manipulative bastards who raised you as a pig for the slaughter."

Azrael's eyebrows raise, "That was uncalled for."

Death does not even offer him a glance, "You have no idea how disturbing I found that line. Can I help it if I just like Lily better?"

Behind them, Lily runs past screaming at the top of her lungs, "We're going to need a bigger boat!"

(Presumably, they have missed the entire reenactment of "Jaws" starring Lily and Wizard Lenin, where Lily of course managed the 'doll's eyes' monologue with frightening accuracy. However, whether she was talking about the shark or Rabbit is anyone's guess.)

Then, behind her, comes a large, land dwelling, shark, whose teeth are the size of small children, wriggling after her with the intent to feed.

No one says anything, not even that perhaps Death would be better off just saying he liked the much calmer, much safer, and presumably much saner Harry James Potter better.

* * *

There is much rejoicing as "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" begins with The Carnivorous Muffin sitting in her chair waving to the audience and saying over the roar of the crowd, "Welcome back!"

When things calm down The Carnivorous Muffin continues, "Oh, it is great to see everyone again. Now, if you'll remember from last time, I ended up only having time and energy to interview everyone from 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds'. So today, we're going to see what everyone else has been up to and address all of those questions."

There is applauding at this which The Carnivorous Muffin calmly waits for it to finish before starting again, "Now, before we start all that there actually have been a few questions directed towards me once again, so we'll get to those before we get to our regularly scheduled program."

The audience laughs at this, which again The Carnivorous Muffin winces at but chooses not to comment on, "Yes, it seems I'm rather popular as well. That, or, people want my unbiased opinion about things."

The Carnivorous Muffin then turns to the newest pile of envelopes addressed to them and opens the first, "Alright, let's see what we have here. These are all from the reviewer The White Crow, who didn't really address these to anyone so I assume they're directly to me. First, 'Will we have another one-shot about Lily and The Shadow of The Distant Sun? He was kind of fantastic."

The Carnivorous Muffin considers this then decides to explain to those members of the audience who don't read everything The Carnivorous Muffin has ever written (which must be a fair amount because the site is becoming near overwhelming), "First, for those who don't know or don't remember. Light and Shadow of the Distant Sun is a character from two one-shots that were a crossover of 'October' and 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus', 'Lily and the Art of Divine Responsibility' and 'Light And Shadow of the Distant Sun'. Namely, he's an alien being from Pluto created by Lily, who begins a religion which worships her as a god and is eradicated along with all of his other people when they rebel against her (sort of, it was a surprisingly complicated one-shot). He also then rises from the dead, crosses the solar system leading his people, and declares a righteous war on the people of Earth and Mars in order to get Lily back… He was a surprisingly dramatic character for one who isn't even from either original story."

The Carnivorous Muffin distantly wonders how that managed to get so out of hand that it was a short story side fic, really you could milk a few novels out of a concept like that.

The talk show muffin then proceeds to actually answer the question, "In regards to the question though, I have no immediate plans to. I really liked him as a character but he probably won't be back. That said, after a certain point in 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' the planning is a little more loosey goosey. I know vaguely what will happen in the arc, I know how the story ends, but there's certain things in between that could happen. So, he could end up back in there as an actual 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' canon character. That said, since I keep doing this one-shot thing, it's entirely possible that someone could request a continuation or a moment between the pair, or, well, I don't know… I'm pretty bad at predicting what people ask for, some of the time I manage to be right about what people will be curious about but then some of the stuff I would never have ever thought of writing unprompted."

Similar is how much readers tend to predict, some things are apparently alarmingly obvious, while other plot turns no one has managed to guess (but then some of them are ridiculous and justified only inside of The Carnivorous Muffin's mind with a vague, "I promise they make sense in context!")

"Alright, next question, this being a 'God of the Machine' one, 'Is it possible that Light fears Anna? In the end she came into existence in front of him, she will always at least partially see him as the character in the white and black ink of a manga page, as something even less than a puppet because he isn't moved in a direction but lives to go in that direction."

The Carnivorous Muffin considers this once again, realizing this probably also deserves a bit of an explanation for those who aren't immediately familiar with the fic, but then decides the audience knowing that it's a Death Note SI is probably more than enough for this, "Well, I'll go with my usual answer of, 'it's complicated'. Certainly, she unnerves him, more in the beginning than this latest point in the story, and perhaps there were moments of genuine fear but I'd say it's not for her but what she represents. Anna Jones, after all, is herself only a puppet just as he is. It's the idea of the faceless author standing behind her, casting moral judgement down upon Yagami Light, that could give him grave doubt. However, Light is rarely truly terrified, only in moments of crisis. Prolonged fear isn't really his style, so unless Anna Jones came at him with a chainsaw to hack off his limbs I doubt he'd feel fear. Discomfort, now that I'd give him."

Smiling with how easy that actually was to answer, The Carnivorous Muffin moves on, "Alright, here's the last from The White Crow for me, "Does Rabbit ever eat? And if he does, then does he like carrots? He did come out of at the hat as a rabbit so…"

The Carnivorous Muffin feels that this is a very dangerous question, as all questions regarding Rabbit can be considered dangerous. "We have seen evidence of Rabbit's appetite, if you'll remember, in a few absent aspects of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus', one is the ghosts, who we haven't seen any sign of since the beginning of the story. The other, is of course, the beloved Hufflepuff Sally Anne, who has been completely forgotten by everyone. As for carrots, at this point the jury's out, but probably not because if Rabbit enjoyed eating carrots then the carrots would no longer exist, so much so that they would not have existed when he contemplated devouring them, therefore Rabbit cannot enjoy eating them. Also, Rabbit chooses the guise of a rabbit, his real form is… well… I'll leave that until later."

The great and alarmingly slow reveal and character development is something we will not be getting into on this derptastic voyage of a meta-fic.

"Alright, that's that then, let's move on," The Carnivorous Muffin picks up a new envelope and tears it open with a bright smile, "This is from Banana Pie, who you can all blame for that 'My Immortal' thing from last time, and they ask, 'What are some other things that Rabbit has eaten? For example, Nagini, the popularity of banana pies, Lily's common sense…"

(Rabbit, it turns out, is even more surprisingly popular than Frank. Given that Rabbit doesn't really do all that much, especially at this point in the story, The Carnivorous Muffin finds this utterly hilarious.

While she's still more or less baffled by Frank's popularity as a tertiary character at best.)

The Carnivorous Muffin, for a moment, looks a bit embarrassed and finally admits, "Honestly, I have no idea. These things sort of come up when they come up, because everything that Rabbit eats doesn't exist in the first place so that means, well, it's usually stuff I forget about. Daphne was almost eaten by Rabbit, for example, because I forgot about her during the sorting. Nagini could have been eaten since I don't think I've even mentioned her (but at the same time that could just be something Wizard Lenin is chronically embarrassed of and just never brings up). As for other things Rabbit may or may not eat in the future or has already eaten, well they're spoilery, so I can't really get into that. So, I guess we'll find out together, what Rabbit's eaten."

The Carnivorous Muffin then sheepishly moves to the next envelope, hoping the answer to this one makes them look like less of an ass, "Okay what have we here, huh, more Rabbit… Today's really about Rabbit, isn't it? Anyways, this is from SilverRider09, it's not really addressed to me but then it isn't written like it's addressed to Rabbit so… Anyways, they ask, 'Is Rabbit loyal to Lily?"

The Carnivorous Muffin blinks, blinks again, and a strangely confused expression appears on their face, "Is this a spoiler? I'm not… I don't really know. I mean, it's a complicated answer for various reasons that I can't go into because it's all a giant spoiler. I guess I'll say, ultimately yes, but also not really. Rabbit and Lily's ideology and goals don't always align. So, I guess, spoilers is my answer."

The Carnivorous Muffin shrugs then moves onto the next, "Okay, from Guest we have, 'How do you think Death from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' would react to Death from 'October?"

"Oh, this is actually interesting. When I first started October, back when it was more of a one-shot thing, Death from 'October' was supposed to be basically Death from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' but with a few minor tweaks here and there (so basically the prequel that never was). But as both stories developed it became clear that they were very different people and that Death from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' is actually older and has a few more key experiences that the other Death lacks."

The Carnivorous Muffin could go specifically into details of what these are but figures that most people aren't really interested in this as it's one of those head-canon things that is ultimately unimportant to both stories.

"Anyways, I don't think they'd like each other. Specifically, Death from Lily's universe would find the other a bit naïve, and maybe even a bit too whiney. For all that Azrael doesn't mope, and doesn't really do the jaded sass thing you see in a lot of Harry Potter fanfics with the Master of Death concept, he's a bit more whiney and mopey than Lily's Death. That said, he's also more hands on and is more willing to interfere. If Lily's Death had appeared in 'October' well, he'd probably just continually troll Tom all the time, even when Tom proved to be somewhat different than what he expected."

The Carnivorous Muffin holds up one hand while explaining this, as if this hand represents the character Death from "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" and then raises the other one, "Now, on the other hand, we have Death from 'October'. He would find the other Death disturbingly aloof and inhuman, and would find the other man's flimsy masks of humanity beyond disturbing. We see that a little in 'Light and Shadow of the Distant Sun' as well as 'Lily and the Art of Divine Responsibility', Azrael was alarmed by Lily and didn't like her whereas Death from her universe has a very strong connection to her despite Lily's dangerous powers. So, there you have it, annoyance for Death unease for Azrael."

This question is then set to the side and the final envelope is opened, "Finally, we have from DeadLuck666, 'Would you like to journey up there to see the stars?"

The Carnivorous Muffin blinks, and actually gets a distant look as they consider the question, "What a thing to ask. I suppose yes, I find the idea of space exploration utterly fascinating. As everyone can probably tell by what I write and what I make references to. So being able to see the stars from that distance would be amazing. That said, well, humans weren't really built for space travel. So, until certain advancements are made, if they can be made, then it's not really all that feasible for normal touristy things out in space. Still, this is all hypothetical, so I don't have to think about the health problems and potential cancer so… Sure, why not?"

The Carnivorous Muffin sets the envelope aside and then says, "Well, that's all the questions for me today, after we get back from the break we're going to visit the mysterious alternative universe of Harry Potter known as, 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'. So, stay tuned, people, until we get back from these messages!"

There is once again a startling amount of clapping as the audience cheers for the latest round of shameless advertising. Or, in this case, things that may not ever be written but are ridiculously short snippets of fics written in potentially bizarre formats.

* * *

Now Presenting

Twilight, Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus Style

By The Carnivorous Muffin

Found in the depths of my files, unfinished, but good enough for a trailer

Starring:

Edward Cullen, the hallucination

Bella Swan, the time travelling, MacGyver, possibly crazy, and unwitting god

Jasper Whitlock, the demonic unfeeling sociopathic badass

Peter, the demonic empathetic badass trying to keep it all together while still being more normal than everyone else

Maria, the incompetent war mistress who garners the fear, hatred, and terror of everyone

Charlotte, the demonic girl who is in over her head completely

And more…

 _In which Bella Swan accepts that while she probably is crazy she should also probably pretend she isn't if only for her own wellbeing, Hallucinatory Edward Cullen offers some terrible and generally useless advice and then proceeds to offer some generally useless insight, and nobody can manage to remember that one line from Independence Day._

A pale, Rambo sort of a girl, stares out into the barren desert sunset. It is the kind of sunset that drips, like a bloodied yolk cracked open and dripping slowly downwards off the counter and out of sight, leaving a black stained white in its wake flecked every now and then with starlight that is only visible when every other single light goes out.

She has no shoes, she tore through them a while ago and she hasn't managed to find any that fit and those that do she can't manage to get on her feet without ripping them in half. She's chopped off most of her hair, thick brown hair that had probably been one of her better features, and what's left is a ragged haphazard job that leaves little to the imagination when it comes to her mental state. She's streaked in dirt, grime, and too much dried blood to mention, there's a red bloodstained strip of cloth she's tied around her forehead, and her eyes have yet to settle on any color that fits their mercurial mood.

She has vague memories of reading Wuthering Heights or else Jane Eyre, these are noticeably fuzzy and faded at the edges, and sometimes she wonders if that's for the best because she can't imagine that girl being where this girl is today. But, then again, that girl did manage to survive quite a bit, so perhaps she would do just as well.

This is Bella Swan, immortal, time travelling, somewhat depressed, probably half insane, soldiering, vampire; staring into the sunset, and thinking for the first time in a very long time, longer than she can really remember, that the world truly is beautiful.

("We will not go quietly into the night…")

* * *

The civil war has ended decades ago, the Southern Vampiric wars, spurred on by the wild lawless west, still trudge on despite the railway, the telegraph, and all those little signs that point to the end of a great era.

Vampires are always behind the times, in one way or another, although only the most extraordinary of them recognize this. After all, they're only human, but more so, why should they act any differently than their peers?

This is how it begins, the demon witch general Maria's right hand, the man who rode into the desert on a horse with no name but in the process lost his own, is scouting for recruits. He's looking for tall, fast, strong, probably masculine, and if he's lucky gifted. The last batch had outlived their usefulness and as other more strategic covens crowd in from all sides and push them further and further south a new crop is more than necessary.

(That Maria believes in arms, in ammunition alone, rather than strategy explains quite a bit of the situation. But the Warmaker, once Jasper, isn't quite self-reliant enough to think that yet, after all, he's dutifully trained himself into the habit of not thinking at all.)

He's picked out three he might take, weighing them this way and that dispassionately inside of his head.

One is a farm boy, someone used to labor, who already has muscles built in and the frame to support that. He knows how to work, how to take orders, and how to face the reality that sometimes there is no reward for your labor. Sometimes you get unlucky.

Another is a soldiering hopeful, a bit too young to see the horrors of actual human combat in Europe, but with a twinkle in his eye each time he thinks of glory. There's a certain authoritarian worshipping naiveté to the boy which is more than necessary for newly born cannon fodder; that sort of devotion can be easily twisted and manipulated to serve a dark haired Hispanic demon goddess. (The boy reminds him nothing of Peter.)

Finally, there is the town drunk, in his early twenties which is why he catches Jasper's attention, and likely to be unmissed. The self-destructive types, sometimes, are the best of all. After all, they know they're living in hell, they're just along for the ride.

He doesn't choose any of them.

He doesn't choose a man between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five, he doesn't choose someone stupid enough to believe or smart enough to keep his mouth firmly shut, and even though he thinks he might come for them later in the end he doesn't.

Instead he sees her, alone in the desert, staring up at the moon with a lost and tender expression on her face, thin, pale, pretty if she wasn't so worn down by the world. And wafting off her is a deep melancholy that he can't remember ever having felt before, something wet and cloying, but beneath that is a river of compassion that seems never ending.

And she looks at him, her eyes widen, and there's startled silent recognition like sparks flying up in the dark.

(It's only later that he notices how odd her clothing is, her blue shortened trousers, her brightly dyed sweater, and her laced, half cloth, patterned shoes and thinks that he just managed to stumble on something more than half strange.

He doesn't realize the half of it.)

* * *

It's probably a Saturday, it feels sort of like a Saturday, on the edge of being the lord's day but not quite there yet, still cramming to make itself anything but the lord's day. Not that vampires keep track of things like days of the week, or years, or decades…

Bella Swan, the newly turned, jittery, vampire, who is trying to get into the groove of things but is… By, getting into the groove of things, she means vacillating somewhere between terror and complete and utter apathy.

Well, the apathy is fading, it's hard to hold onto it when you want to. Apathy, Bella reasons, is sort of like a cat. If you want it, if you need it, it will just give you this contemptuous look from the high ground with narrowed yellow eyes. If you don't need it, if you're busy doing something important like finishing high school and trying to be a normal human being, it smothers your face.

In its place is this jittery anxiety, a deep burning need, that she would probably relate to being a junky if she had ever in her life been even drunk let alone high as a kite. Only, the joy of being a vampire is that you never get off, you will always have the monkey on your back.

Well, unless they kill you, which is looking increasingly likely.

Because let's face it, recruit number seventeen might be decently fast, but she's also clumsy as hell, and not to mention a little too in control, not quite chug-a-lugging the Kool-Aid fast enough for her increasingly impatient lords and masters.

If Bella Swan doesn't think fast, it's going to be her severed limbs on the next funeral pyre.

Which is why she is as close to being by herself as she's ever going to be, channeling her inner cat lady enough that all of her other newly turned vampire junky friends just watch with raised eyebrows and snicker (when they're not clutching their abdomens and biting at each other like starving dogs), pacing back and forth, and talking to her fickle and rather unreliable friend Hallucination Edward.

She doesn't remember the time travelling part of all this.

She doesn't remember a lot of her recent human past… future (which gets a little confusing so she tries diligently to keep her internal tenses straight.)

She remembers Edward, she remembers quite a bit about Edward, not so much how he looked, or what exactly her composed song sounded like, or even his voice sounded like but she remembers… She remembers the idea of Edward, how all-consuming he was, lethally beautiful almost.

A lot of her dwindling human RAM is devoted to Edward; perhaps that's fitting, in the beginning she found it devastatingly important, now she tends to find it obnoxious. Why is it that every time she wants to remember that speech from Independence Day she just ends up with Edward's beautiful, beautiful, eyes?

(We will not go quietly into the night… Something, something… Edward…)

Then of course she remembers Phoenix, James, that apparently left quite the impression. She even remembers the cover story of falling down the stairs and through a window; this was also quite impressive in retrospect.

She remembers the birthday party…

Which she still really prefers not to think about, even if it is the beginning of the end. Who would know that such ill omens could be so terribly, awfully, pink?

She remembers the rest of the Cullens, Charlie, Jacob, Renee and Phil, sometimes some of the kids from school, the rest of the wolves who never liked her much, more Edward…

And then everything just kind of goes blank for a little while, there's stuff there, but there's… It's sort of like Bella Swan just shut off, went into sleep mode for a while, ran on fumes until one day…

Well, she doesn't know, but apparently that one day resulted in her being thrown back in time and of course facing certain doom.

Because that's what Bella Swan does; she gets in really bad situations without any reason why.

As Edward once famously said, maybe Bella, your number is already up.

"I did not mean it like this," Hallucination Edward, oh so helpfully, chimes in.

Her hallucination of Edward is also something like a cat, when you look for him he's almost impossible to find, requiring near death to make his appearance. And even then, it's this unwilling, lecturing, sort of 'I told you so' sort of a thing. When you're trying to avoid him, there he is, whispering in your ear saying, "Are you sure you think this is a good idea, Bella?"

Edward, her rather vivid hallucination of Edward, is currently leaning against a cactus, looking hopelessly out of place in her desert hell (as much as Jasper looks in place inside of it). He's slightly fuzzy, shadows cast over his features so she can't quite make him out, but the general shape of him is there. He's pale, his hair is that strange bronze color, his eyes a light gold color that hers are… not, and he looks goddamn beautiful as always.

He's also wearing tweed in the middle of a desert during high noon, leaning on a cactus, dutifully ignoring the needles jabbing into him.

"Oh, sorry, Edward, how was I to know what I was and wasn't to take at face value?" She used to be much kinder, nicer, to this imaginary Edward of hers. After all, he was the only thing she had left of him so of course she would…

Strange, how dying and or time travel changes your view on things.

He grimaces, looking ashamed, and she wonders if that means that the real Edward (out there somewhere in some new high school) is ashamed or else if she is somehow ashamed for him. If subconsciously she wants Edward to be ashamed.

Funny, she never thought that when human, Edward in a way wasn't a thing capable of shame in her eyes, after all, to do that he would have to be less than perfection.

"That's not what I… Regardless, you can't give up now."

She could, she almost had in Forks, he practically told her to. She remembers that clearly enough, along with the tacked on, "Don't do anything stupid, it will hurt Charlie."

"No, Bella, you will not give up!"

"I don't know if it's about me giving up, Edward." She sighs, trying to think back to when her opinion ever seemed to matter in any of this. It didn't with James, it didn't with Laurent, it didn't with the truck, it didn't with Victoria, it didn't with goddamn Edward, and it didn't…. It didn't with Jasper.

(Jasper, someone she'd once thought was a friend, was going to kill her. Just like he'd always meant to, perhaps there was some divine irony in that.)

"Maybe it's time." She looks over at her new friends, all older than her, thinks of that gnawing pit she's been trying to ignore in her stomach (and she knows what will fill it, she knows even if she doesn't want to think it), and she looks up at the midday sky and thinks that this might not be such a bad way to go.

It completes some sort of a circle, after all.

"Or maybe I'm just crazy." She was, after all, talking to a hallucination of her vampire boyfriend. The inexplicable time travel, suddenly blinking and finding herself in the desert, staring at the black sky, and then over at a blood-stained version of someone she had once thought was her brother…

Or perhaps even earlier, perhaps with Edward, after all why would she ever have thought vampires were real in the first place?

"You're not crazy."

She stares at Edward, rather flatly, and says, "Thank you, Edward, that means a lot coming from you."

(Coming, someday, to an internet browser near you, if anyone at all is interested in actually reading this thing.)

* * *

The crowd cheers in the background, but the stage is gone, replaced instead by the glorious castle of Hogwarts. Or, well, the "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" rendition of the castle which pretty well must be the same thing aside from being slightly more violent than the normal "Harry Potter" version of it.

The Carnivorous Muffin stands in front of the Great Hall with a grin on their face as they begin speaking, "Welcome back everybody, we're here inside of Hogwarts to interview several of the characters from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'."

The muffin then motions to the room behind them as they speak, specifically to the Default banner and small table shoved into the corner, "Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus', well… How do I describe it? Jesus, this is hard. Um, it's a Harry Potter fanfiction that relies on the multiverse theory of Harry Potter. Specifically, it focuses on the young Eleanor Lily Potter, who is told by a previous incarnation of Harry Potter, at a young age, that she is Death, and immortal. Then, after changing her name, Lily goes off to Hogwarts and has numerous traumatic adventures while making (sort of) friends with some of the student population. She's also best friends with the Voldemort shard inside of her brain, who she thinks is a communist. So, yes, there's that."

This is a very lacking summary, but given the difficulty of coming up with a summary the first time The Carnivorous Muffin supposes it will have to do. And really, given how many Rabbit questions there are they're betting that most of the people reading this have probably read most if not all of, "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus".

"Anyways, the first couple of questions are addressed to several characters from the 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' universe, so let's go ask those while we make a tour of the castle." The Carnivorous Muffin says as they walk into the Great Hall, once again not stopped by the professors or students, despite many of them staring at them with raised eyebrows, "First, we have from Autumn Pears, to Frank, Hermione, Ginny, and Lenin, 'If one day, Ellie and or Lily Riddle gets married of her own free will, what kind of person do you think her spouse will be?' Then from SilverRider09 we have, 'What are Slytherin house's true thoughts on two of their members jumping ship?' This refers to the fact that Daphne and Blaise left the glorious house of Slytherin for the more glorious house of Default… It makes sense in context."

The Carnivorous Muffin motions the camera onward, "With that, let's visit the Slytherin table first and get SilverRider09's answer."

The crew and the muffin walk to the table, earning glares from the Slytherins, specifically from the first year Slytherins. When close enough Draco Malfoy asks, "What do you think you're doing here?"

"Bitch, I own you." The Carnivorous Muffin supplies in that not-amused sort of voice needed for confrontations with bratty twelve-year-olds, "With just the slightest whim you could end up dead in five chapters. Anyways, let's hear it gang, what do you think about Daphne and Blaise's leaving?"

Malfoy scoffs, "Good riddance, I say, if they want to leave then let them. I say we're better off without them as well as that lunatic Potter."

"Yeah," Pansy shouts, "Who needs Princess Potty and her stupid friends anyways!"

Draco, Nott, and all the others within the immediate vicinity suddenly look ashamed, "Pansy, I don't need help, okay. Just, just don't say anything."

"Oh, sorry Draco, I didn't mean to interrupt." Pansy is instantly demure once again and apologetic as she flutters her eyelashes at Draco.

Draco looks somewhat ill.

"Really?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks, "Because Blaise and Daphne were nothing to sneeze at grade wise, they've probably brought up Default's grade average by a decent amount. And without them your class average is even more dependent on Crabbe and Goyle's grades."

"I said we don't need them!" Draco said, with such vehemence that he probably knows that they did need them, but just doesn't want to say it.

"Look," Nott supplies with a frustrated expression, "What do you want us to say? We're the ones who have been screwed over the most by Potter. I say we're getting off easy this year, after all, now it's just Default that has negative house points. We may actually have a shot at winning the cup this year."

"Oh, right, the house cup thing…" The Carnivorous Muffin says, and then decides that while this may shatter their childish hopes and dreams, perhaps they should just tell them, "You know, as the author, I actually don't care about them much myself. I mean, in the original story Gryffindor just kept winning at the last moment anyways through Dumbledore giving Harry ridiculous amounts of points for almost being killed all the time. It just doesn't have much on of an impact. Plus, it reminds me way too much of student body association stuff that never made any tangible impact on my life but was supposed to somehow convince me to care about things. So, I side with Lily on this one."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means while Lily will probably never win the house cup, you probably won't either, because Lily as the narrator won't even mention who won and… well… if Lily forgets about it then the audience never hears about it. And, as is the theme of this fic, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it then it doesn't make a sound because you can't verify its existence in the first place."

The Carnivorous Muffin offers them a politely apologetic smile and then says, "Well, with that, I should probably find everyone else. Goodbye!"

Leaving the flabbergasted and rather offended first year Slytherins behind The Carnivorous Muffin talks as she walks towards the Gryffindor table, "Surprisingly enough we only have one stop at the Gryffindor table today, with a few questions for Ginny Weasley. Hey Ginny!"

Ginny, sitting by herself at the end of the table, looks up at the question with a pair of raised eyebrows that really don't suit her eleven-year-old face, "Do I know you?"

"Well, in a sense. I'm The Carnivorous Muffin," The muffin holds out their hand and shakes Ginny's with perhaps too much enthusiasm, "I'm the one somewhat responsible for this whole mess."

Ginny gives a small hm of displeasure but does not expand on this. Instead, giving the muffin her full attention, Ginny asks, "May I help you with something, Carnivorous Muffin?"

"Just a few questions for you today, from the audience. Autumn Pears asked what you would picture Lily's future spouse looking like."

Ginny blinks looking a bit nonplussed, and her eyes narrow, "Why are you asking me this? What are you after?"

"I'm not after anything, it's an honest question…"

"Bullshit," Ginny says, and at once looks a bit too terrifying for an eleven-year-old girl, "Regardless, whatever doubts you think you can plant with this question you have failed."

"Doubts?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks, honestly more than a little confused and feeling like they'd lost track of the original conversation.

"You make it seem like Lily can marry just anyone."

"Uh… Well, technically she can," After all, Lily was a fictional character and could be coerced into marrying whoever The Carnivorous Muffin felt like. Within reason, of course, because there are some pairings which just can't work at all.

Ginny leans forward with a polite smile, a thin stretching of the lips that hid something far sinister beneath it, "No, you see, I know better. Ordinary men and women, perhaps, could live with just anyone, but not her. There's only one person who can hope to tie her to this mortal world."

"….Um, okay? Well, who's that?"

Ginny slams her hand on the table, the silverware clattering, and The Carnivorous Muffin can't help but flinch at the noise (along with all those Gryffindors who are sitting in a close enough vicinity to hear it). Then Ginny leans back, crosses her arms, and appears to leave that as her answer.

Slamming hand on table doesn't seem like a legitimate answer but what does The Carnivorous Muffin know.

"Did you have anything else for me?" Ginny asks then, studying her nails with passive interest, visibly dismissing The Carnivorous Muffin as if they were a lowly begger.

"Yes, actually, this one's from FreelanceBum, and they ask, 'What would be your perfect 'just friends' date with Lily?"

Ginny grows pale, rests her hand down on the table, and gives the muffin an accusing look, "Now that, sir, is simply too far."

"…I didn't think it was that difficult of a question?"

"No, it isn't, but it's a very pointed one, isn't it?"

"…Ginny, you do realize that you come off painfully obvious, right?"

Ginny leans back, as if struck, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Creepy though you may be you haven't exactly been… subtle, where Lily is concerned." If Lily, as the narrator, picks up on it then you know it's bad.

At once the fake offense bleeds from Ginny and she looks at The Carnivorous Muffin flatly, "Is it a crime that I've grown tired of being subtle?"

"Well, I'm not sure if it's good or bad…"

"I have been subtle for so very long now, and believe me, it grows beyond dull into something more soul sucking than ennui." Ginny says, looking distantly out into the Great Hall, her eyes landing on the Default table and something dark and deep resting inside of them, "I'm no longer capable of something like that."

The Carnivorous Muffin finds this to be ridiculous character development for Ginny inside of a side fic, none the less, "That didn't answer the question."

"Oh, right, you wanted to say something?"

"Date, your ideal date with Lily, one where you could say you were just friends."

"My ideal date… I'm not sure I have one, to be honest. I mean, I imagined presenting her Albus Dumbledore's heart once I had conquered this pitiful waste of a country. But I think that was more out of frustration, madness, and isolation rather than anything to do with Lily."

"Wait, did you just say presenting her Albus Dumbledore's heart?"

Ginny ignores this interruption, "Perhaps something small, a trip to Hogsmede, that would be nice."

The Carnivorous Muffin waits for the punchline, and when it doesn't seem to come, remarks, "Oh, that was actually quite sweet…"

"Or perhaps we could set up betting pools for Russian Roulette amongst the remnants of the dark lord's more desperate followers."

"…Never mind, you know what, Ginny, good talk." The Carnivorous Muffin stands with a queasy expression, shaking her head, and making her way towards the Default table where the rest of her interviewees wait.

"She just gets creepier every day," The Carnivorous Muffin says with a shudder before waving to the small Default table, containing all of the favorite Default members, from Daphne Greengrass to Luna Lovegood and everything in between.

"Oh, great, it's them." Blaise says with a sigh, pushing aside his breakfast and giving her a flat look, "I hope you're happy, I had a perfectly normal life before you came along."

"You mean barely having any lines in the original series."

"Of course," Blaise says, "It was great, I never had to deal with any of this ridiculous bullshit."

"Oh, I don't know, I think it's exciting." Luna says, "New opportunities and adventures and all that."

"Thank you Luna, regardless, I have a question for Hermione from the audience and then a separate one for Daphne."

Hermione looks up from her book with a withering glare, "I'm not going to enjoy this, am I?"

"Probably not," The Carnivorous Muffin admits with a shrug, but then, it's never been about the characters happiness, "Anyways, 'If Ellie gets married of her own free will, what kind of person do you think her spouse will be?"

"Terrifying," Hermione says.

The Carnivorous Muffin waits but that seems to be it, "Oh, anything else?"

"No, just terrifying, and possibly more than a little insane."

"…Right, okay then, Daphne's turn. Daphne, this is from FreelanceBum and they ask, 'How do you feel about being thrust into the middle of this Potter's madness, while your canon counterpart never had a single line spoken to canon Potter."

"Like I've won Hell's lottery." Daphne says, but then shrugs, "It's all necessary though, I imagine the original Harry Potter wasn't nearly as intimidating or obvious in his potential as the next great dark lord."

"No, he was quite the opposite actually."

"Then I can see why I stayed out of his way, as for Ellie, well here it's just not possible to stay out of her way. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot."

Unspoken is the thought that Pansy Parkinson is this idiot.

"Well, those answers were shorter than I expected, anything else?"

None of the Default members volunteer, although Luna waves with enthusiasm towards the camera.

"Oh, wait, before I forget, I also asked Frank the same question and he said, 'No comment', possibly out of a great sense of self-preservation. And I think we can leave that question alone until we get around to interviewing Wizard Lenin himself."

"That looks, like that's that then, see all of you lovely people after commercial break when we go into the more in depth interviews."

* * *

And now, the second dramatic chapter, of the dramatic retelling, of the beloved gothic troll that people love to hate.

(Somewhere in Hogwarts, the unnamed Gryffindor, who is only known as Brittany, shudders and hurries her way down the hallways, hoping to god she doesn't run into anyone in black wearing an absurd amount of foundation.)

It's… My Immortal v Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus

 **AN: Preps stoop flammin the story okay! Lily's name is Lee, not Mary-Sue and Ebony's is Enoby! And Draco's only acting different because he likes Enoby, okay! They knew each other before and are in love. And wizrad Lennon likes acting tuff buut he has heart too and he's just acting different because he's sooo in luv with Lee.**

 **Fangs to The Carnivorous Muffin, I love you like I love Hot Topic.**

 **666**

 **Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

 **666**

 _In which, in a surprising turn of events, Lenin begins to question the stability of reality and the meaning of existence, Uncle Death makes a surprise if horrifying reappearance, and Lily is very confused and more than a little concerned._

Lily and Wizard Lenin stared out the window onto the grounds of Hogwarts towards the lake, for the most part they were silent, both watching the extremely out of season weather pummel the grounds.

Hagrid was going to have his work cut out for him.

"Huh, it's snowing and raining again," Lily said, although this was quite the understatement, rather it was like a blizzard and a flood decided to go on at the same time.

"Yes, Lily, I dare say it is," Wizard Lenin responded.

"Not very good concert weather," Lily continued, before turning and asking, "It is a concert, right? Whatever this GC thing is?"

"Well, that's just too bad for Enoby Way and Draco Malfoy." Wizard Lenin said, without any sympathy for the pair, which was perhaps warrented, even if Lily was unwillingly sympathetic towards Draco's new wardrobe.

Anyone wearing that, well, they were sure to get the shit kicked out of them in Slytherin. Lily, if she was still in Slytherin, would gleefully use Draco's new fashion statement to her advantage. Luckily for Draco, Lily wasn't a Slytherin anymore, was a happy ex-Slytherin.

Still, "You don't think we should go?"

"I have no interest in musicians or… Satanists."

"I don't know Lenin, that was… weird. I mean, Draco's never been…" Whatever the hell Draco was, wearing leather and eye liner, and foundation and more eyeliner, "It really seems like the universe might actually be falling apart. Plus, they cancelled classes so that we could attend."

"I don't care."

No, he didn't, and Lily wouldn't either if… Well, everything. She just didn't know what to make of any of this.

It was at that moment that she appeared in the hallway, as if merely speaking her name was enough to draw her from the ether, and there she was in a new outfit. In a full length leather dress, with far too much cleavage for a twelve year old, knee high lace up boots with heels, white foundation, black eyeshadow, black lipstick, black eyeliner, that leather collar around her neck again, and of course those pale blue eyes.

"Oh, hello Ebony, Lenin and I were just discussing you," Lily said with a stretched, forced, grin, then her eyes drifted to her pale arms, and specifically, the very large barely healed gashes in them, the gashes that hadn't been there that morning.

"Oh, oh, well, um…" It was evidently clear that Ebony had attempted suicide, or else had a terrible accident with knives, "Uh… How are your wrists?"

Wizard Lenin looked over at Lily with raised eyebrows and a look of disbelief.

"I felt a little depressed so I slit ma wrists." The girl said in her strange, slurred, disjointed way.

"Oh, well, um, glad you're still here… Did you change your mind?"

"Yeah, I guess," Ebony said with a shrug, moving up to the sill of the window and staring out at the rain-snow that was still pouring over the grounds.

Lily looked at Wizard Lenin, Wizard Lenin looked at Lily, both glanced at Ebony.

"Enoby, was there something you needed?" Wizard Lenin asked, and the girl offered him a rather patronizing look before staring back out the window and blushing.

"Draco's taking me to da concert. He said he'd pick me up."

"Here?" Lily asked, after all, it wasn't really anywhere Lily would think to pick anyone up. They were nowhere near the ground floor or any exit, unless you wanted to take the window and plummet to your death, which… well, maybe Ebony did.

Before Lily can point out that the only thing particularly interesting here is a window a blur of black crosses her vision. And there, floating outside of the school, is a flying black limosine complete with the liscnce plate enscribed with '666'.

"…No, this is… This is too far," Wizard Lenin said, but regardless the window rolled down in the back to reveal none other than the new, and debatably improved, Draco Malfoy in a baggy t-shirt of some band Lily had never heard of, that absurd amount of eyeliner, and white foundation.

Ebony grinned, climbed into the window sill, and then into the open car door. The car waited.

"Oh, um, are you waiting for us?" Lily asked.

Wizard Lenin turned to her and glared in disbelief, "Why the devil would they be waiting for us?"

"Are you going to de concert? If not you must be some sort of looser prep, Potter." Draco said, talking in that strange jilted, slurred, way that Ebony did.

"Oh, well, I'd hate to be a prep," Lily said, still not entirely sure what a prep even was.

With that Lily climbed out the window and into the strangely stylish limousine, well, if you ignored the lace and red leather everywhere, with much swearing and glaring Wizard Lenin managed to crawl his way in after her.

And with that they were off, sitting awkwardly in silence, Ebony and Draco staring into the depths of each other's eyes.

"So, Draco, this is a new look," Lily commented, hoping this didn't sound too accusing.

"Oh, ja, I became Satanist over the summer."

It was fall verging on early winter, and as far as Lily could tell, Draco hadn't spent any time before this day being a Satanist. If he was a Satanist, because Lily had always imagined Satanists being, well, more culty.

"Really, a Satanist," Wizard Lenin said, in a tone that implied he believed anything but this.

Draco and Ebony gave Wizard Lenin a rather accusing glance and it was Draco who asked, in a rather threatening tone for a twelve-year-old boy, "Are you some sort of prep?"

Wizard Lenin offered the pair a thin smile, "No. You see, I'm afraid I'm not entirely sure what a prep is."

"Like fooking Brittany," Ebony explained, as if this should clear up all questions, which, it didn't, since Lily didn't know any Brittanys.

"Right,"

They then sat in silence for a while, Lily feeling a little awkward about it all and Wizard Lenin just staring at the pair with increasing scrutiny, and with raised eyebrows when Draco took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one with a muggle lighter. He then passed one to Ebony who lit one instead with wandless magic, the glow of the end like a red dwarf in her eyes, forever expanding and just on the verge of death.

The radio turned on, but to something she didn't recognize at all, but could best be described as beyond disturbed. Now, that wasn't to say Lily was prudish in her music choices, not that Led Zepplin or the Beatles were anything to be offended by but this… Well…

A man whispered as guitars thrummed, as if right next to her ear, and beneath his was a darker more worrisome voice that sounded barely human at all, _"And I don't want you and I don't need you. Don't bother to resist, or I'll beat you. It's not your fault you're always wrong. The weak ones are there to justify the strong."_

Draco and Ebony burned out their cigarettes, grinding them out into the leather of the seats, and without a word Draco brought out a bad of poorly rolled joints and passed one to Ebony filling the car with that pungent and unmistakable odor of weed.

This was then replaced by two glass tubes filled with translucent and almost white rocks of crack.

" _The horrible people, the horrible people. It's as anatomic as the size of your steeple. Capitalism has made it this way. Old fashioned fascism will take it away…"_

Now, if you were going to go on a rant about the ills of capitalism Lily wasn't quite sure why you'd turn to fascism, but she supposed this song wasn't written with her in mind, or well, it didn't seem like a song that cared whether it impressed her or not.

"Lily, I can't believe I'm saying this but… I believe you may have a point this time."

Lily cast an eye to Wizard Lenin who was still staring at Ebony and Draco in disbelief, "About what?"

"This, Lily, is beyond surreal."

Lily looked back to the pair, and thought as she stared at them that yes, yes it was.

Soon afterwards, much to Lily and Wizard Lenin's delight after being trapped in a car with the pair and the smoke, the car stopped in front of a raging crowd which Ebony and Draco quickly lost themselves in, of course they were almost immediately visible again as Draco's white hair began to bob up and down along with the rest of the crowd.

Lily and Wizard Lenin stood on the outskirts staring in.

"So, this is GC," Wizard Lenin said, more out of an apparent need to say something than anything else, "I thought they'd be taller."

"…I still don't understand what's going on, but I think I'm concerned." Lily said, because this was true, she really didn't, and well, that was sort of alarming. Hogwarts, while inconsistent, usually wasn't this inconsistent.

"As am I, Lily, as am I."

"Do you want to get closer?" Lily asked.

Wizard Lenin considered it for a moment, then said, "No, I think I've seen enough."

Lily nodded, feeling much the same way, but then she stopped, stared for a moment, and kept peering for the face she thought she saw (but can't have truly seen) inside of the crowd.

"What is it?" Wizard Lenin asked, having already turned around to make his way back to the castle.

"I think… I thought, for a moment, that I saw Death." Well, not Death, but… it was his face, a younger version, but his eyes had been red, and it looked like there had been some sort of a pentagram inscribed on his forehead.

"…Do you have any idea how ominous that just sounded?" Wizard Lenin said, "I'm sure he's not here."

"You're right, he can't be."

But little did they know, it could be, and he was.

END OF CHAPTER

(They also didn't know about the existence of Hilary Duff, who both Draco and Ebony expressed their displeasure with, while Lily and Wizard Lenin were too busy avoiding the concert entirely.

Also, Ebony and Draco would later make out keenly against a tree, and it was good.)

 **Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

 **AN: Did u like? Leave a good reviow, and flammers stop flammin, okay!**

* * *

"Welcome back everybody!" The audience roars, clapping enthusiastically as The Carnivorous Muffin comes back into focus.

"Oh, that was… That was certainly exciting everyone. Wow, the return of Enoby, that will just… that will never die, will it?" The Carnivorous Muffin gives an awkward smile and graciously waits for the obligatory laughter to fade.

"Alright everybody, it's finally the time you've been waiting for, the one on one personal interviews. And not just any interview either, the interview, perhaps the greatest of all. I'm talking about none other than the one, the only, Lily from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus!"

The spotlight swings to the left where from off stage the red headed, pale, lean twelve-year-old Lily steps onto the stage and then graciously offers several bows to the audience before walking across the stage and to the seat opposite The Carnivorous Muffin with that trademark unsettling grin of hers.

The audience's applause is almost deafening.

"You have no idea how relieving it is to be here," Lily comments, almost as an aside to the host, as the applause finally dies down.

"Relieving, well, that's certainly a first," The Carnivorous Muffin comments, "Most have settled for unsettling."

"Perhaps," Lily concedes with a musing sort of expression before adding, "But then, I find most people are uncomfortable with confronting the nature of reality. Still, maybe relieving was the wrong word, how about vindicating."

"Vindicating?"

"Sure, I was right, I now how solid proof that even Lenin can't bother denying. The world's a stage and we, the cast, merely second rate actors," Lily motions towards the audience and the stage as if this is truly the world and it might as well be.

"Second rate, you're not very flattering, are you?" The Carnivorous Muffin says, perhaps with a touch more self-derision than necessary, but this is fan fiction after all, let's not delude ourselves here into thinking it's something more.

Lily offers no response merely that thin, polite, strained smile that looks far too old for her elfin features.

"Anyways, this is getting a little ahead of ourselves. I'm sure most of our esteemed audience knows perfectly well who you are, but for those who don't, why don't you introduce yourself and your tale?"

Lily blinks, leans back in her chair, and looks at the muffin dubiously, "Introduce myself? But there isn't even a me to introduce, I'm simply a concept, an idea. Nothing tangible, certainly nothing worth introducing."

The Carnivorous Muffin, for all that they enjoy the philosophical conundrums of existentialism, thinks it takes perhaps a bit too long for regular conversation, "Humor me?"

"Well, alright, my name's Lily, officially Eleanor Lily Potter for those that… well, aren't in the know. I'm Jesus, the English wizard, and appear to be locked in constant never ending battle with my nemesis the dark wizard Hindenburg and in spare time I also go to Hogwarts."

The Carnivorous Muffin nods dutifully, then frowns, and says, "That was… accurate yet somehow bland."

"Hogwarts makes everything dull simply by being in the same proximity," Lily explains, perhaps not to the satisfaction of the majority of the audience, who seem to be quite fond of Hogwarts. Except for those few who would rather have spent time in the skipped over Albanian civil war arc.

They can content themselves to know that perhaps, in the future, there could very well be a Yugoslavia arc given the timeline of the Harry Potter events. However, that said, with all of the other events scheduled to take place, it might be hard to fit it in.

"Well, I suppose we'll have to be satisfied with that," The Carnivorous Muffin says with raised eyebrows and an expression of giving up, "Right, you ready for the questions?"

"Muffin, please, I was born ready,"

"Then, first, why don't we start with the obvious one. This is from Anaelyssa, "What, Lily, is your opinion of this talk show?"

"Personally," Lily answers without hesitation, indeed with the charismatic confidence that she carries with her into most situations, "I'm a fan."

"Really? That's very nice to hear,"

"Oh, yes, perhaps your number one fan. All my questions have been systematically answered, my existence not only disproven but also validated. I have a reason to exist, my trials and tribulations have reasons to exist… In fact, my existence isn't absurd. I have meaning, I entertain therefore I am, unlike you poor lot I no longer have to search and curse gods for my answers. It's kind of refreshing."

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, then says, almost with hesitation, "You do realize, that because of this very quality, you may suffer more than anyone. Because, without suffering, there can be no catharsis, and without catharsis, there is no art."

"But I suffer for a reason. I don't languish aimlessly on the cogs of the thoughtless mechanisms of the indifferent universe. And that, my friend and god, is the greatest gift of all."

The Carnivorous Muffin allows this to sink in, lets it linger, then says, "This is getting a little too philosophical for me."

"One would think you'd be open to philosophy, especially inserting yourself as a character, and in such a direct manner too,"

"Self inserts are actually quite common," The Carnivorous Muffin responds, much to Lily's surprise.

"Really? I'd think that'd be a bit uncomfortable,"

"No, no, extremely common actually. Granted, it's hard to say how well that character maps onto the author but I'm hardly the first to throw myself into their own story. Still, we're getting really off track here, let's move along."

"Carry on then,"

And The Carnivorous Muffin does, "Right, this is from halfcoop, 'Do you have any plans to stop reality from falling apart or are you just gonna roll with it?"

Lily considers this, blinks a few times, then states, "I don't understand,"

"Well, I think it's pretty clear, do you plan to just let the universe destroy itself?"

"Am I supposed to stop it?" Lily asked, eyebrows lifted, and looking thoroughly doubtful of The Carnivorous Muffin's judgement.

"I think some people might appreciate it, Lenin would,"

"Lenin would appreciate a lot of things," Lily quips, "That said, not sure if I can do anything about this one. It is what it is, regardless of any opinions I might hold on it,"

"Que sera sera? That's your answer?"

"Why not? I have no personal stakes in the state of the universe, it can do whatever the hell it wants."

"You do live there," The Carnivorous Muffin pointed out.

"I'm also not real, that whole reality isn't real, and even I can't change that. So, not my problem."

This, the reader might note, is a dangerous line of thinking, regardless that's Lily's answer to find out for herself and her story to tell. Funny, that she doesn't see the looming guillotine called Catharsis hanging over her neck.

"Next up then, this is from Moonlit Phantasy, 'What do you consider Lenin to be. A father figure? A friend? Another illogical working of the universe?"

"Lenin, huh, not sure I ever really thought about it in those terms before," Lily said, then considers it shortly, and says, "I suppose he's my friend, my best friend, perhaps my only true friend at the end of things. Not really a father figure though, think that's more Death's m.o. really, if we're getting into things."

"But not an illogical working of the universe?" The Carnivorous Muffin questions.

"Well, in the sense that we all are. But, I mean, Ron Weasley has him beat. By a lot, and with snakes. Lenin's cursed to be the last rational man in the universe,"

The sad thing is, Lily sees nothing ironic about this statement.

"Hm, well, alright, next up from GinHanelle, 'How do you feel about whistling, is it annoying?"

Lily blinks, then responds almost robotically, "I have no feelings for or against whistling."

"Not even the obnoxious kind?"

"I feel like that's a loaded question," Lily says with a frown, which it is, given the qualifier obnoxious.

For what it's worth The Carnivorous Muffin is also, almost entirely, indifferent to the prospect of whistling. It really depends on the context.

"Here's a couple from pixelherodev, 'Have you ever considered finding a way to get rid of Rabbit before he eats Scotland?', 'Have you ever considered abusing your powers as Wizard Jesus?', and finally, 'Do you plan on claiming to be the second coming of Jesus to the Muggles?"

Lily states then, rather blandly, "Just how many of these questions are there? I thought this was going to be a short thing. I have shit to do, there's a giant snake on the loose, you know."

"Just answer the questions best you can,"

"Right, fine, okay Rabbit. Sure, I guess… but he always seems to come back," Lily's face grows pale and a haunted look enters her eyes and it's clear that she is reliving some horrific memory that was too traumatizing even for the canon of her own tale.

"As for abusing my Wizard Jesus powers… No?"

"Lily, you abuse your powers all the time," The Carnivorous Muffin points out.

"In what way?"

"You cheat regularly in every game of quidditch, for one thing,"

"Jesus would totally cheat in quidditch too," Lily says, completely convinced, "It's the only way to shorten it."

"You cheat in every class,"

"…Define cheat… and class."

"You repeated Monday an uncounted number of times,"

"Hey, that was absolutely necessary, for reasons I still do not understand,"

"And, we'll just go way back to the beginning here, you regularly resurrect yourself after visiting Death in purgatory."

"…I don't understand your accusations,"

And Lily doesn't she truly doesn't.

"Well, what about that last question?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks in exasperation.

"What question?"

"You've forgotten already?"

Lily shrugs, "I got distracted by how I don't abuse my reality warping powers for my own benefit."

"Are you planning on claiming to be the second coming of Jesus to the muggles?"

Lily considers this with a completely unreadable expression for a few moments, then says, slowly, "How much money would I make off my prospective cult? Also, could we come up with our own brand of Kool-Aid and turn Clint Eastwood into the dark god of righteous vengeance?"

"…I'm going to say that means yes."

And that's all The Carnivorous Muffin has to say about that, "Right, next, from Magery, '…So it was a (sort-of) spoiler when someone asked if Rabbit loved Lily – but what about Lily loving Rabbit?"

Lily doesn't appear to know how to parse this, which is fair because this might honestly be addressed to the author. Finally Lily simply offers, "Gleh,"

"Not sure that's a…"

"Gleeeeehhhhhhhhh,"

"Right, well, that might have actually been to me. Um, well, that's also… complicated? And in the complicated ness lies the spoilery-ness, so we'd best leave that one alone for now. But, as you can see, for the answer now, Lily would tell you no."

"Gleeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,"

"Right, Lily?"

Lily is completely non-responsive, staring out into space with a look of horror in her alarmingly green eyes, gripping the armrests of her chair with whitened fingers, "Error,"

"Lily? I have more questions," The Carnivorous Muffin tries, to no avail.

"Why would you ask me that last one?" Lily seems honestly horrified by this, like it's more than just a question.

"Lily?"

"I mean, I know he's very symmetrical, and all… But really, that is… there are some things you simply do not touch,"

The Carnivorous Muffin reaches over and shakes the little girl, and after enough shaking this seems to snap Lily out of her daze, "Better?"

"Marginally," Lily comments, looking marginally better, if better at all.

"Right, this is from halfcoop again, 'History shows us that Albania's next door neighbor Yugoslavia is going to break out into civil war, is it time for expansion?"

Lily is silent, perhaps thinking deeply, but then begins to slowly talk, her voice soft yet filled with intensity and the focus of the audience seeming to draw in upon her, "Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got… lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at you, doesn't seem to be living… until he bites you. And those black eyes roll over white, and then… oh, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screaming, the ocean turns red, and despite all of the pounding and hollering, they all come in and they…"

"Jesus Christ, Lily, was that 'Jaws?"

Lily starts, seems to realize where she is, "Hm, what, sorry, just… Rabbit, you know…"

"Jaws?"

"It's a very appropriate monologue," Whether this is an appropriate monologue or not is left up to the reader's discretion.

"Can you try to focus?"

"On what?"

"Yugoslavia!"

"Yugoslavia? What do I want with Yugoslavia?"

"They're having a civil war, well, in your world."

"Really?" Lily asks, then says, "You know, I feel like I heard someone talking about that… Is it important?"

"Well, it's horrifyingly brutal… And at the very least it could prove another profitable venture for A.L.F."

"Oh, well, then it's Frank's problem," Lily says with an easy shrug, perfectly indifferent to the prospects of the distant Yugoslavia.

"Frank's problem?"

"Look, I am way too busy with snakes, and Hindenburg puppets, and Lenin's moody adolescent Albanian-ness… I don't have time for that right now. Frank can deal with that, it's kind of what he's there for,"

"For exploiting civil wars?"

"No, for dealing with all of that… profitable shit." Lily waves this off, shaking her head, "Look, I'm busy, and I don't need to take advantage of Squirrel's squirrliness right now. So… Yes."

The Carnivorous Muffin is beginning to feel that this interview is going to go nowhere very quickly, considering Lily is doing the driving, "Okay, this is from Ambiguity in D Major, 'What was the catastrophic event that sent you so far back in time? And was your final disappearance before Lord Hindenburg's rise due to finding a way back to the future or because of more obscure reasons? And if it's the second one, what are those reasons? Where have you been, Lily Riddle?"

Lily stares blankly, "Uh, are we talking about that Monday thing?"

The Carnivorous Muffin blanches and then cringes as the full scope of the question comes into effect, "Right, well, unfortunately that question is overflowing with spoilers so… We'll get there when we get there."

"Spoilers, wait, what? I disappear? Or, travel in time, I'm confused."

"As are we all," The Carnivorous Muffin answers tolerantly, "Anyways, moving on…"

"I think I should really hear…"

"Moving on!" The Carnivorous Muffin coughs in the way that one must cough to clear the air, "Next from Snickering Fox, note that I've rewritten the question to address what I believe that reader was asking, 'Lily, why do you keep going to Hogwarts? Yes, you told us why and I summarized it as 'When you play the role of Eleanor Potter you have no choice but to play it well, even if this does require Hogwarts' but you're also Lily, as well as Lily Riddle, can't forget about that. Even so you gave Frank and Riddle Inc. free reign in Albania and even had your episode where you ran away there. Point being, clearly you can take care of being Lily Riddle when you're playing the role of Ellie Potter, why not just take care of all of that Ellie Potter stuff while being Lily Riddle?"

"Perhaps, it's certainly an interesting thought," Lily muses, staring off into the distance, and with a slow sweep of her hands as if conducting her answer into existence, "I could just leave it all behind, go on my merry way and conquer Albania in the name of vampirism, Yugoslavia too while we're at it. Still… There are consequences for such actions. We are defined by the things we leave unfinished, Lenin of all people knows that and… And there's much that I would leave unfinished, too much, even. Not that Hogwarts doesn't suck, don't get me wrong, seriously if it gets any worse then I may very well hop on that band wagon and away we go. As it is, if Lenin leaves, well, there goes half of my reason to stay."

"That was quite philosophical," The Carnivorous Muffin muses in turn, but then, Lily has a tendency to be philosophical for all of her pragmatism, "The next one is also from Snickering Fox, specifically regarding you from the side fic, 'The Wasteland', 'As of chapter two, you now have what I personally have dubbed as 'Frank version 2.0' that follows you everywhere. What will you do now? Are you going to go sightseeing cities and landscapes or are you going to explore but somehow end up in the canon plot (like maybe going to Fangorn forest to see an Ent but somehow ending up in Isengard with Saruman, or else going east via apparition but end up having a three-way staring contest with an orc legion and the desperately searching Free People soldiers in Helms Deep)? What will you do?"

To those who don't remember or don't read everything ever written on this profile "The Wasteland" is one of the numerous side fics starring Lily, this one taking place in "The Lord of the Rings" universe starring the anthropomorphized Ring as the protagonist. As of this chapter it is unfinished at the second chapter and centers around the Ring's journey to sentience as well as Mount Doom.

"Huh, well, I don't really know. Isn't that what we said we planned to do, sight see and stuff? To be honest I wasn't really paying all that much attention. Plus, things got a little weird."

"You mean with that fusion dance?" The Carnivorous Muffin prompts, which in turn prompts the ever-dreaded laugh track from the audience.

"Yeah, that… That was weird."

Let it be known, that after writing it, The Carnivorous Muffin did acknowledge that it was quite weird.

"So, I don't know, I plan to sight see, plan to find a way back home, not blow up the universe… Same old, same old."

"Fair enough, plus, to give a true answer is to spoil the future plot so… Let's just not go there." The Carnivorous Muffin offers gallantly to which Lily offers her own gallant nod.

"Agreed, your excellency,"

"Here's another one then," The Carnivorous Muffin starts only to be interrupted by a frustrated Lily.

"Jesus Christ, there's more?"

"You're very popular, almost inconceivably popular," The Carnivorous Muffin is still occasionally baffled by the popularity of Lily's truly bizarre tale.

"Fine, get on with it then," Lily huffs, "Can't say it's worse than detention with Squirrel or Snape… Or Lockhart."

"This one's from Guest, 'What is your favorite animal and why?"

"Really, that's it?" Lily asks, eyebrows raised, which prompts enthusiastic laughter from the audience, "I can't say I have any real preferences. I'm indifferent to things of that effect… Just not rabbits. I have a thing about rabbits."

"How about this one then, from Horrible with Names, 'Could you microwave a burrito so hot that you yourself could not eat it?"

Lily blinks, blinks again, then hesitantly replies, "…Yes?"

"No, Lily, it's a paradox. You yourself are a god, and thus cannot make a burrito that you yourself cannot eat."

"Then no."

"But it's not that simple," The Carnivorous Muffin tries to explain.

"Then yes." Lily says before holding up her hands, "Look, I'm confused, let's just move on to the next one."

"Well, this is also from Horrible with Names, 'Would you rather fight one hundred duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck? Also, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"Oh boy… which is better?" Lily asks, in regards to the first question presumably.

"Neither, either, I'm not entirely sure." The Carnivorous Muffin admits with a hapless shrug having never dealt with duck-sized horses or horse-sized ducks.

"…I could probably obliterate either."

"True enough," The Carnivorous Muffin says, "What about the woodchuck one?"

"Fifteen." Lily says.

"That was strangely exact for a question that has no true solution."

"It was an arbitrary question, I provided a suitably arbitrary answer."

The audience gives a hearty and perhaps deserved chuckle, however prompted it might be by the large electric signs declaring it time to produce hearty laughs and appreciation for the jokes that are perhaps not as funny as they should be.

"Last question then, I promise, this is from CrimsonDomi, 'How do you relate to dying? How would you describe it?"

The camera zooms in on Lily's pale and somber face, to the shadows beneath her far too alarming green eyes, "How do we describe anything, my friend? We only have ourselves, our own experiences, to fall back on. So, in that sense, dying is like living, and like nothing else that anyone has ever or will ever see."

The picture fades out to commercial and the interview with Lily draws to a close.

* * *

(Introduction to the in-process Third Chapter of 'For Once, Then Something'

Prompted by the reviewers who apparently still have hope that I may update)

The Fall of Magical Britain and the Subsequent Rise of the British Magical Empire

Harry James Potter

Excerpt

History, time itself, is a great winding river. You are never stuck in one place, it flows through you and past you, every event making its mark against your soul. One might say that we are only our history, our memories.

And sometimes they seem hardly related at all.

Prague, 1992, it wasn't by chance that I ended up there but it wasn't by dumb luck either. However, that said, I could have easily have decided to travel further east. I could have convinced Voldemort, or he could have convinced himself, that the answer to our problem didn't lie in western alchemical thought but in the ancient eastern arts of India and the far east. Traditions and schools of magic that had lasted far longer than their western druidic counterparts had, even with the colonization of their countries by the English.

Never the less, in the summer of 1992 I arrived in Prague, and I would stay there for some time. Then, years later, in early winter of 1996, I would return with death in my hands and blood at my feet even as the Christmas lights still hung suspended by magic in the narrowed alleyways.

But Prague was not a stranger to invasion and war, not even then.

You may have noticed how much German seems to crop up in this history thus far, an unreasonable and almost strange amount. Note, I rarely say Czech, although most spoke Czech there, instead I said German. As a shop assistant I had to learn German, the old potions mistress spoke German and most likely was of German descent, when customers came in they spoke German, at the ministry the official language of business was German and Czech considered secondary.

And, perhaps even more telling, a Hungarian wizard by the name of Gellert Grindelwald referred to himself as being German, rather than Hungarian.

The reasons for this stem long before Grindelwald's campaign of terror, although he certainly reinforced it, and dates back even before the unification of muggle Germany to the very beginnings of the muggle enlightenment. Or, more specifically, when wizarding Prussia was marching through East and Central Europe.

England's textbooks make small mention of this, as England was dealing with the ramifications of the goblin wars at the time as well as the expansion of the wizarding colonies, set up in the shadow of the great muggle empire. There are footnotes here and there, but the textbooks I read in Hogwarts did not focus again on the continent until it was time to set the stage for Grindelwald in the early 19th century.

Nevertheless, the wizarding Prussians, perhaps influenced by their muggle counterparts or else reflecting their muggle counterparts, were by far the most militaristic and militaristically successful of all the wizarding nations in the area. Wizarding Austria kept them at bay through treaties and marriage, much as muggle Austria did at the time, Buvaria fell quickly, the Swiss mountains and warding masters provided cover needed, but wizarding Czechoslovakia, that was not a country with a strong military. It was an academic country, the center of alchemy on the continent, but they did not have the trained wizards and officers needed to defend themselves against invasion.

And much as England found itself speaking French for years, despite England defeating France in battle now and then, in their endless struggle for power; so too did Czechoslovakia find itself speaking German.

And when the muggle Englishman Chamberlain allowed the Nazis to take Czechoslovakia, and Grindelwald eagerly grabbed hold of Nazism's coattails and followed behind, well… Is it surprising the scars still show?

This is an aside to my story, perhaps not even truly noteworthy, after all Prague is simply a place I was at the time. It isn't the stone, it isn't Dumbledore, it isn't Voldemort, and it isn't even Draco Malfoy who I'd left stunned and forgotten back at Hogwarts. It has no true bearing on me or my life, just a funny detail that perhaps should be remarked upon.

Never the less, we are defined by our history, places hold memories, and even if we remain ignorant of it, even if we don't see how their shadows are cast over us.

This is not inconsequential.

(Coming soon, perhaps, to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

As always, the audience cheers, but then, that is their purpose in this great charade. Because without the applause why are we here at all?

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles dutifully and waits for the clapping to die down before starting again, "Well, that was certainly enlightening, wasn't it? There really isn't anyone quite like Lily out there on the great internet. Well, of course, there is, but I tend to ignore that. Anyways, we're back and about to dive into some more personal interviews. But first we asked Dumbledore from the 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' universe a few questions."

The screen behind the host lights, the image of Dumbledore's aged face appearing, as The Carniovorous Muffin introduces the questions of the hour, "First, from BananaPie we have 'What are your thoughts on Lily and her Albanian refugee friends?' Then, from Anaelyssa, "What is it like to deal with Lily and her insanity in school?' And finally, to the canon version of the man, from Banana Pie again, 'What does canon Dumbledore think of basically the entire 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' timeline?"

The Carnivorous Muffin turns to look at the screen with appraising eyes, "So, with that, let's see what the man has to say for himself."

The film begins to roll, and at first Dumbledore looks back in silence, then a somber expression appears on his face, "It would appear that these questions are all in the same vein and perhaps are the same question at their heart. What do I think of Eleanor Potter? It's a strange question, a hard one to answer, because I myself am not sure what to think of her. She's not like Tom was, not at all, and yet I find myself more nervous with her than I have ever been around him. Perhaps she loves, perhaps she dreams and lives, but none the less she has such a disregard for human life and happiness… She is not like us, I think. And that… that concerns me, more than Tom, more than Gellert… Yes, I am concerned."

The tape ends, the look in Dumbledore's eyes troubled and self-reflective, and The Carnivorous Muffin says over this image, "Of course, he can only say what he can without spoiling what is to come. He can't show his hand entirely yet, my friends."

The Carnivorous Muffin turns back to the audience, "With that, let's call in our next guest, none other than the one, the only, everybody's favorite mute, Rabbit from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'!"

No one appears on the stage.

"I said it's Rabbit!"

The spotlight swings to the edge of the stage dramatically where no one appears. The Carnivorous Muffin's smile drops, "Oh for god's sake, can someone please drag him out here?"

There's some clanging and banging from backstage, smoke appears from the edge the stage, sparks shoot out from the light, there's a great thunder of yelling and dashing around, and finally a soot covered Lily pulls a perfectly pristine, unruffled, and indifferent white-haired beautiful Lepur Rabbitson across the stage and then pushes him down into the chair. Then, with eyes that cut, Lily says to the talkshow host, "Don't blink."

Then Lily walks out and it's just The Carnivorous Muffin and Rabbit on the stage.

"Right, well, Rabbit, why don't you tell everyone about yourself?"

Rabbit, perhaps predictably, says nothing. He merely stares, blankly, with those doll's eyes of his, out past The Carnivorous Muffin into something that no mortal being truly sees.

"Okay then, I guess I will," The Carnivorous Muffin starts then motions to Rabbit, "Rabbit here is a mystery, no one quite knows what he is or what his purpose is. Lily insists he's an outer dimensional abomination who devours reality when unobserved. He also now attends Hogwarts as the Albanian refugee, Lepur Rabbitson."

Rabbit gives no indication whether this is true or false, merely continues to stare, in that horrifyingly unfocused way of his.

"Right, let's just get to those questions," The Carnivorous Muffin says with a sort of tried nervousness, "This is from Talkingbirdguy, 'Hey Rabbit, you gloriously unnatural being you, I am curious what your favorite word or phrase might be? What pattern of vibrations do you sometimes enjoy producing more compared to other patterns? And, if there is an answer to this, why? Why do you enjoy that phrase or word so much?"

For a moment Rabbit says nothing, gives no indication of either having heard or even understood, then, slowly, his eyes turn to The Carnivorous Muffin and his eyes see far past their own written avatar to whatever truth lies beyond that and perhaps even the truth beyond that.

"What color is your soul?"

"…Was that the answer?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks, now palpably nervous, and not entirely sure why.

"What is an answer to a question that is only ink upon a page?"

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, cringes, then says, "I see this is getting nowhere fast, we're going to move along. Next from Lunaliceazreal, 'Hello Rabbit, I have a question for you: what do you think of Uncle Death and have you ever had a full conversation with him? Also, will you ever try to wake Cthulhu from his slumber?"

"Am I a thing that is capable of thought?"

Rabbit offers a thin, polite, smile. The kind with no meaning, no true inflection, in fact nothing at all except politeness inside of it.

"Humor me," is the only response the talk show host can give.

Rabbit leans closer, as if to impart a great secret, and says in all seriousness, "There is no Cthulhu, there is only the mythmaking imagination of mankind, and everything else."

"Talking with you in person is just as alarming as I expected it to be," The Carnivorous Muffin declares to a round of prompted laughter from the audience, "Right, moving on again, this is from RoyalRose161, 'When did you first gain sentience?"

Rabbit politely smile and pointedly does not answer the question. The Carnivorous Muffin waits for several moments but Rabbit doesn't shift, doesn't move, does not even blink but instead keeps staring forward.

And smiling, politely.

"I guess that's all we're going to get for that one. Well, how about this? This is from pixelherodev, 'Why do you, a creature from the Abyss, care about Lily?' As well as the final question for you this evening, 'The meaning of life, the universe, and everything is forty-two. Does this number go down when you eat parts of the universe?"

And for a moment, for a single strange surreal instant, there is a spark of something in Rabbit's eyes, "To care at all is to care about Lily, to be, to live, to exist and think is to somehow derive yourself from her. If I must care, if I must be, then I will acknowledge all that is and isn't."

The Carnivorous Muffin nods, slowly, then prompts, "And the meaning of life?"

"All that exists does, all that does not does not, if there is a number then it is static. It has always been forty-two and shall always be forty-two, but perhaps, it once had a dream of being forty-three."

* * *

Excerpt of the potential Persephone chapter of series of one-shots centering Death and Lily as she was before 1981 tentatively called "The Seventh Seal"

Prompted by The White Crow

Strange, isn't it, how we remember all the lines and words the story must follow but never its edges? Never its purpose hiding behind the point, caught in all those stray details, the thinness of one's fingers, the color of their eyes…

In truth, Persephone barely noticed him until he forced her to. He was that awkward shadow hanging at the edge of Olympus, stretched thin, exuding a sense of otherness that allowed him only polite nod to his elder brother Zeus and his wife Hera.

Amidst the grandness of Olympus, the colors and the fountains, the fruit and the wine, he was always out of place. Always an uncomfortable reminder of things outside of the gods, a stranger caught in their very familiar land, and yet for all that he wore their clothing and spoke their language he would never rid himself of that descriptor.

Foreign.

And the gods would smile politely at his back as he walked down the mountain, and then would whisper behind their hands just before he was out of earshot, "Hades, Death, so unlike the rest of the family, isn't he? A real shame, but then, someone must attend to the dead."

"And he's so suited to it, considering he must be as pale as a corpse." She giggled back, a flush on her cheeks and her eyes darting to those thin almost feminine shoulder blades of his.

"And as thin as a woman," Her friend, Persephone would later forget who it was, giggled back and then with a wicked glint in her eyes leaned in closer and said, "Which is, of course, for the best, considering no wife would take him."

Persephone imagined later that, though Death continued walking far past them, that his pale ear caught every whisper aimed at his retreating figure. At the time, though, red faced, eyes darting to the man's back, to his shifting crow's feather hair, she giggled and tried to stifle her laughter.

"Of course, he may have beautiful jewels, splendid halls, but who in their right minds would live in a cellar when they could live here?"

Here, there, among the flowers, the grape, the wine, her mother, her uncle, her cousins, the sun, the grass, and all the world she had ever known. Indeed, who would ever give up such a thing? Certainly not her, never her, and indeed he'd never truly crossed her mind.

Why should he have?

(Why should he have?)

* * *

"Don't you understand?! I want to go home!"

The words echo throughout the vast chamber, perhaps throughout all of the Underworld itself, and perhaps it's her imagination but she imagines the jewels that carve the walls of the caves, the sapphires, the rubies, the diamonds, glitter at the sound of her voice.

At her light in this darkness.

The man stops, stands perfectly still facing away from her, not even breathing. He's tall, unnaturally so, a height which borders on inhumanity. His hair is dark and looks as if it should curl, but instead falls out from his head like the feathers of a crow, he is thin, pale, his fingers a little too long…

He turns, and his face… It's too chiseled, as if it were carved from marble, it lacks imperfections. But his eyes, those are the worst, because while they glitter like emeralds that litter his underground kingdom she can't help but notice that they're hers.

Those are her eyes, not his, his were some other color…

He's borrowed her eyes.

In his hands is a crow, beautiful truly, perhaps the most beautiful she's ever seen. Carved out of thin silver and gold wire, crowned with a rainbow of diamonds that shine as if they were stars. But they are not stars, he stole them from the earth, and they burn so cold.

He steps forward, with hesitation and then a frown of betrayal as if she has stabbed him when she takes a step back, shaking her head with fear.

"I don't want it! I want to go home!"

He looks down at the crown, his lips twisting upwards, and after a moment of choked horror she realizes he is trying to smile.

"I am sorry," he says, tasting the words as he says them, as if not entirely sure they're what he wishes to say. Finally, though, he looks up, and something undefinable is burning inside of them, "You will be happy."

"Happy?" she asks, scoffing as she stares at her surroundings, "Happy? How can I be happy? You… You stole me!"

He offers her a soft, sad, heart wrenching smile and steps forward, closer until he's close enough to take her hands and wrap them around the crown, "You are filled with such life, such existence, Persephone. How could you be anything else?"

She swallows thickly, "My mother will come for me,"

He looks up at her and his eyes seem to bore through her, somehow sharper and deeper than her own eyes could ever manage to be. He takes the crown from her trembling fingers, places it on her head, winding his fingers through curling red hair, then moves them down to take her hands again, gripping them with such steadiness that her own fingers can no longer shake, "I know,"

"Your sister, Hades!" She cries, because surely, he knows what her mother is capable of, that she's the one who cares for the earth and the growing plants. That in her wrath any number of things might happen to the earth.

He takes a breath, to say something, then seems to decide against it. He judges for a few moments with a strange air, no less intense than before but something lighter all the same, finally he says, "You Olympians are such strange people. Persephone… I am not one of you I… Oh, it doesn't matter, does it? It's only a play after all."

"A play? A play?!" She cries, wrenching her hands away only to pound at his chest, ignoring the way that in spite of his lean frame he remains stable beneath her blows, "You call this a play?! This is my life! And am I… Am I just your entertainment?"

"No, no, Persephone, I love you," He kneels, suddenly looking up at her, almost begging her to understand, "Please, I love you. I… I have coveted life for so long, for so very long I… I dreamed, once, of electric sheep and men. I dreamed when dreams themselves were not even a word, not even an idea. And it burst into existence all at once and it was so beautiful. Dark and light, angry sad, happy… But I… I'm not part of it. I change forms, I take on hands, a face, but I…"

He pauses, his hands reach up to cradle her face, gently, too gently, and he whispers almost reverently, "I love your eyes, Persephone."

She jerks herself backwards, stumbling but just managing to catch herself, watching as his hands twitch for lack of contact then return limply to his sides.

"I don't want to talk to you."

He looks at her for a moment and there is that sad, that forlorn expression on his face again, but then it morphs into something she hates even more, something twisted and mocking, "Of course you don't. You never do, you pretenders of divinity. You take and you take and then you forget, conveniently, at your own convenience. Strange, isn't it? For all your omnipotence and omniscience you cannot even see yourselves for what you are. Tell me, Persephone, can I not dream of electric sheep?"

She looked at him, at his mocking smile, at his narrowed green eyes, at the way his hands have been crossed politely behind his back. And she sneered, and said, plainly, simply, "No."

Then tilting her head, taking the crown from her head and inspecting it, catching her own eyes in the diamonds, "No, Hades, I'm afraid you aren't allowed anything at all."

(And perhaps, later, she might regret those words.)

(Coming soon, with enough interest, to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

"Welcome back everybody!" The Carnivorous Muffin grins, "Oh, good to see you again, just goes to show I will sneak in a reference to 'Blade Runner' at every opportunity."

This earns the laugh track of the audience, but for once The Carnivorous Muffin doesn't mind, perhaps because the blatant plug is that blatant.

"Right, now before we get to the giant Lenin interview planned there's a few questions for Death. Particularly Death from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'. First, from Guest, 'What is your favorite animal and why?' then from Luna Bass, 'Aside form bafflement and attempts at blatant denial, what exactly do you make of Eru Lee's assumption that you are her father? Give me details.' So, let's see what Death has to say for himself."

Behind The Carnivorous Muffin the obligatory clip begins to play, a stunned and blinking Death staring at the camera inside of the surreal Kings Cross Station that makes up Purgatory as he knows it, "I… I'm sorry?"

"Let's start with your favorite animal," A voice sounds from behind the camera, The Carnivorous Muffin's voice.

"Right, well… I haven't thought of that. I don't know if I ever really thought about what that might be. I suppose it'd be something… sentimental. I probably would have said a stag or deer, for my father. But I… perhaps an owl, then, yes, like Hedwig." He gives a pained nostalgic smile at the thought, one that makes him seem neither more nor less human than he truly is.

"And the other question?"

"Oh, that, well… To tell the truth, I am unnerved. She's not like my children… she's not even truly like I was at her age. She's… She's far too powerful for anyone's good, let alone those that would seek to manipulate her, and I… I am unnerved by that and the thought that to her, and perhaps even to me, she may as well be right. That girl is only James and Lily's daughter in the absolute barest sense of the term."

The clip stops and The Carnivorous Muffin turns back to the audience, "Hm, yes, I believe we'll leave that there for now. Especially because we have an interview with the one, the only, Lenin of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus!"

A tall thin man with finely crafted features, dressed in black and red, walks across the stage swiftly to the cheering of the audience, doing his utmost to pretend that none of them are there as he stares holes into the seat across from the talk show host.

"Lenin?" He asks, with that certain derisive and cutting edge that he is so famed for,

"I'm afraid it's stuck, I find it very difficult to refer to Tom Riddle sometimes as anything other than Lenin."

At the man's raised eyebrows and disapproving look the talk show host adds, "Besides, it's better than your bastardized French Voldemort."

"It is not bastardized French."

"Perhaps, but it's certainly a bit ambiguous and can be taken as very far from your meaning. Flight of death you may have wanted but you also very easily ended up with Snakes on a Plane."

This joke, as the sudden sound of the laugh track indicates, will never get old.

"You had something you wanted to ask me?" Wizard Lenin says with a grimace, not commenting on the joke, indeed doing his best to ignore it completely. Which perhaps is fair as Wizard Lenin has always been more than a little embarrassed of the name Voldemort, with fair enough reason.

"That eager to get started?"

"That eager to be finished," he supplies with cultured ease, "I have no desire to drag things out."

"Well, then we'd best get this show on the road. First, from Luna Bass, 'What do you make of the fact that Muffin has you and Lily as a 'pairing' in the description of your story, and that one of its categories is romance?"

He stares at her, with a strange empty bland expression of distaste, and the pause makes it seem not as if he hasn't heard but as if he must take that much longer to process it. Finally, with a profound grimace, he says, "You do realize she's twelve, don't you?"

The Carnivorous Muffin blinks, grimaces in turn, and offers a non-explanatory, "Well, she won't always be twelve… You know, Lenin, this isn't my question to answer."

"No, but if the world was fair, then it would be."

"Fair doesn't make good fiction, Lenin. No, I'm afraid it's your lot in life to suffer." The Carnivorous Muffin says with a shrug, as if this doesn't concern them, which is perhaps fair because the author always is a certain distance from their work by necessity.

"Then I suppose, if the universe centers around my suffering, I can hardly argue against my and Lily's upcoming nuptials." Wizard Lenin sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose, and not even looking at the host asks, "Is there anything else?"

"Oh, of course," The Carnivorous Muffin says with a talk show host's smile, "This is from Horrible with Names, 'Given recent social and revolutionary upheaval in Europe (for example, fall of the Berlin Wall, reunification of Germany, and the utter collapse of the Soviet Union, which ended the revolution started by Lenin): do you think that the rest of the Wizarding World will look with askance and derision on your appropriation of the title Wizard Lenin and your revolutionary dream or will they simply have no idea about Muggle things? Put another way, do you ever worry about being compared to Wizard Stalin instead?"

Wizard Lenin's eyebrows raised and a spark of interest enters his expression, "What an interesting question. Of course, the Soviet wizards have always been leery of my intentions, regardless of what I've been called over the years. Truly, the past century has been… interesting, for lack of better terms, for them. They've found themselves uncomfortably close to their muggle counterparts and are only now breathing a sigh of relief. Well, that or holding their breath and waiting to see where the chips will fall."

He pauses, considers this, and continues, "Of course, I am not Soviet, and that makes all the difference. You see, the British wizard makes it a point of pride not to care about muggles or anything having to do with the muggle world. Even the mudbloods, no, perhaps especially them, make it a point to have keen disinterest in muggle affairs. Remember, a wizard enters the wizarding world at eleven, so sometimes names like Lenin or even Stalin escape their education. And if they do they would simply raise eyebrows at the reference, as really, Vladimir Lenin and I have nothing to do with each other. As for Stalin, well, one must have the power to send enemies to Siberia and erase them from history in order to be compared to Stalin… Which, at the moment, I do not, so that's all moot point."

He frowns, most likely stuck on the fact that he doesn't have the power or support to perform great political purges, shipping off Lucius Malfoy and his ilk to a modified work camp version of Azkaban in some remote and destitute corner of the earth.

Truly, life is difficult for our resident wizarding communist.

"That was rather enlightening," The Carnivorous Muffin declares, although whether this is true or not is left to the reader, "How about this one from Autumn Pears, 'Suppose that in an alternate universe, you're an immortal and absolutely terrifying Hogwarts Professor who teaches Muggle Studies, and has unrequited love for the Lily of that universe. Also, you spend your days trying to protect your muggle books and your person from the Ministry's inspection, and competing with Dumbledore over who's the most eccentric Hogwarts professor. What aspects of that alternate Lenin would you despise the most?"

(The Carnivorous Muffin, upon reading this, realizes that this is the perfect set up for an AU crack fic of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" and now can't stop considering it. Also, "October" really does sound patently ridiculous when you lay it out like that.)

Wizard Lenin grimaces and looks truly pained for a moment and says, "I have to pick one?"

"That bad?"

"Muggle Studies," he barks out a laugh, "That's not even a real subject… No, no the worse is Lily,"

He shudders, wincing at the thought of it, "Yes, unrequited love for Lily, that is truly the worst part of all."

Let it be known that Wizard Lenin is a true romantic.

"Not the Dumbledore part?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks but he only glares, a sharp steely thing that could kill by sight alone if it had the power.

"Right, okay, not Dumbledore then… Let's move on, Lenin. Okay, this is from Gabriela, 'What's your opinion on the recent political developments of the muggle world during 2016, particularly Brexit and Donald Trump being elected president?"

Before Wizard Lenin can answer The Carnivorous Muffin looks out with a grimace to the audience, "Politics, even here, my god. Can we not safely stay in the realm of 'murder is bad, m'kay', friends?"

"Of course, ultimately, mine is a political tale." Wizard Lenin says, with a grin that is perhaps a touch too sly and amused by the muffin's discomfort.

"Perhaps your tale but Lily's tale really has very little to do with politics… Oh, you know what, just go ahead and answer."

"Are you sure?" Wizard Lenin asks, as if giving a concession and being sympathetic.

"Yes, just get on with it," The Carnivorous Muffin says with a sigh, really not in the mood to try to talk politics in their own writing.

"Thank you," he smiles then leans back in his chair, clasping his hands together as he considers the question with a smile, "Now, I imagine everyone is thinking that I would take advantage of this situation and play off the fears of those here. And perhaps I would… Oh who are we kidding, I'd be right there running for Prime Minister.

However, the problems of today and the real world in general, are far more complicated than those seen in canon 'Harry Potter'. Granted, we don't have many details of the time period documenting my rise in canon, but it's pretty well assumed that for whatever reason the wizarding aristocracy felt their culture was stagnating and failing and blamed the mudbloods. This, ultimately, is rather simple and easy to parse out morally in Harry Potter. In the end, we get 'Weasleys good' and 'Malfoys bad' and it's left at that. (Note, that we could head-canon exorbitant runaway inflation in there and create a near copy of the Weimar Republic sans the loss of WWII and the humiliation of the Versailles Treaty and reparations to the British and French, but that's quite the unfounded assumption)

Now, I suppose we could do the same with current politics, we could point to those who have voted for Trump or Brexit and point fingers and call them morally callous, racist, and the scourge of humanity. However, that sort of divisive finger pointing and unwillingness to believe in the rationality of humanity is the sort of thing that I would take advantage of no matter the situation. Why, if I had the tables been turned just a little bit more, had the muggleborns a little more power and righteous need of a champion, then my tune would have changed accordingly.

You see, it's all about knowing the territory and playing to the fears and righteousness of your audience, no matter their beliefs. So perhaps, I would be taking advantage of their fears of terrorism and death and Islam… But then, perhaps I would play to yours."

The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces, "Mmm, Lenin, that was… Great. Just great."

"Thank you, I thought it was quite eloquent,"

"Good to know that you have no true ideals, only ambition," The Carnivorous Muffin states, "I guess we'll have to see where all this goes from here… I've decided to be an optimist about all of this."

"Have you?" he asks in the tone reserved for those who are not truly asking a question but instead making a point.

"Hey, if we avoided blowing ourselves up and creating a nuclear fallout wasteland with the Cuban Missile Crisis surely we can survive the changes of today. Can we just not talk politics? Really, there are three things you never speak about, politics, religion, and the Great Pumpkin."

"If you say so," Wizard Lenin comments with a half shrug, "In hindsight I imagine this will all be far easier to parse out."

"Yes, you're probably right. What a pity we don't have a time machine." The Carnivorous Muffin lets out a sigh of relief of having answered that and wills themselves to move on, "Alright, final question of the evening for you, Lenin, from Autumn Pears again, 'If, one day, Lily gets married of her own free will, what kind of person do you think her spouse will be?"

Wizard Lenin gives The Carnivorous Muffin a blank stare, and then, without any visible change to his expression, "Fuck you,"

(And there is a loud beeping noise, a note of technical difficulties, and the commercials are on and Wizard Lenin takes his leave for the night.)

* * *

From the unfinished files on The Carnivorous Muffin's Computer

A possibly one-shot of a 'His Dark Materials' crossover with 'Harry Potter'

Featuring horcruxes, fem Harry, and narcissism

A cupboard beneath the stairs, a girl hunched over her knees, trying desperately not to cry and her soul in the form of a black, lazy, cat with too green eyes in the dark.

"We're special, Harry, surely you did not expect them to take it well." His voice is cultured, sophisticated, with a wry sort of drawl to it that one would expect from something far older. The voice of the jaded man in one Masterpiece Theater drama or another, not the voice of a child's black cat of a soul.

"I just…" She pulls her knees tighter, closer to her body, while the cat swishes its tail in an annoyed manner, it's eyes narrowed as it surveys her.

"You expect too much from them." The cat says, standing and stretching, arching its back with fur bristling, then hopping down to circle around her, brushing against her as cats tend to do, "They're not like us, they never will be either, and I imagine that must burn something dreadful."

The cat pauses, gives her that wry, cynical, glance that it is so very fond of and comments, "And if you can't realize that, can't put them aside as the unworthy creatures they are, then you are twice the fool I thought you were."

* * *

"What is a soul, a daemon, anyways?"

"A mystery, I'm afraid, my dear girl. Your greatest weaknesses, your greatest strengths, the secret self that you unconsciously project to the world."

"And if it isn't? I mean… If you're daemon isn't… If he's not you?"

"Then you must be lying to yourself."

(Coming soon, with interest, to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

"Welcome back everybody, sorry about Wizard Lenin upping the rating," The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces as the audience guffaws on cue. "Also, the politics, got to love those politics… Anyways, let's move on to greener pastures. And by that I mean the wonderful world of Death Note."

"Now, this is a very odd genre as it's what I started in but I'm not sure many of my readers have seen or read Death Note or have read my work in it. But I love Death Note, truly it was one of my first profound loves in fiction and I still have a deep fondness for it, despite its lackluster second half (and yes, I do believe the second half was lackluster, we could fight about this, but I think this is counterproductive)."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles pleasantly as the audience laughs once again, and then continues, "So, with that, all the questions are addressed to my current and ongoing fic 'God of the Machine' which is essentially a Self Insert into Death Note. With that, we have a few questions for various cast members then a longer interview with the fic's protagonist Anna Jones."

The screen behind the Carnivorous Muffin flickers to life once again, this time to display the blonde Misa Amane, with dark eyeshadow and red lipstick, "First, we have from patheticnoob, 'After having had a chance to read every chapter so far of God of the machine, what do you think, now, of Light Yagami?"

Misa stares blankly at the screen for a moment, her face caught in between rage and surprise, then slowly a smile twists onto her features, "Light is simply confused, of course, that girl has been there from the beginning and that author person seems to be pushing them together. But she's not really on Light's side and Light will see that, because Misa's always on Light's side. And when she stabs Light in the back Misa will be there, and he'll remember that."

The clip stops, The Carnivorous Muffin nods slowly, and states blandly, "Now that, friends, must be the truest love of all. Alright, let's see what we have next…"

"From The White Camellia, we have, 'Can you tell us your analysis of Anna both as a child and an adult?"

A picture appears on the screen but does not play, The Carnivorous Muffin frowns, then says to the audience, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid that particularly clip contains a few spoilers. I mean, I sort of spoiled myself there but… Well, all of these lovely thoughts will be revealed shortly anyways so I think we can wait. On to the next one!"

The clip changes, this time showing the haggard features of Soichiro Yagami, "This one is also from patheticnoob, also with the preface that he's read all of 'God of the Machine' to date, 'Given what you know now, what do you think of Anna Jones?"

Soichiro doesn't answer, merely stares, then slowly, breathing out, he says, "What I think of her? Shouldn't you ask what I think of my son? No, her… Her, I understand, at least to a point. I do not agree but I… I understand. Tell me, who is my son now?"

The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces as the clip stops on Soichiro's tortured expression, "Right, well, that got off topic quickly. With that, let's move on to the interview of the hour, shall we? Everyone welcome to the show, none other than that hapless doomed protagonist we love to watch suffer, it's Anna Jones of 'God of the Machine!"

Anna Jones, red headed, too thin from imprisonment for over a month, with shadows under her eyes from insomnia, dressed in sweatpants and a wife-beater, offers the audience a polite bow and tight smile before walking over to her seat.

The audience, the ones that have read the story, cheer wildly while the rest look confused that this isn't about 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'.

"Oh, Anna Jones, tell me how does it feel to be here?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks as Anna takes her seat.

Anna grits her teeth, still smiling, and says, "Like I want to punch you in your fucking face."

"Oh, wow, strong words." The Carnivorous Muffin says.

"No shit," Anna Jones responds with a laugh, prompting the laugh track from the audience.

"I see you're still bitter… It makes a great story, you know, raises the stakes… Right, I'll stop now," The Carnivorous Muffin says before asking, "So, you ready to answer questions from the audience?"

"Sure, why not? I mean, it's not like I've gone through one thousand worse things in the span of a few months."

"That's the spirit," The Carnivorous Muffin responds with a smile, "Alright, this first is from patheticnoob again, 'Let's say you end up in the Twilight universe. Your god has incorporated you into La Push as a normal person as of the start of the first book, but you know everything about the series. What would you do?"

"What would I do? Jesus, absolutely nothing," Anna Jones looks overjoyed at the prospect, a bright smile on her face, "I mean, all of that centers around Bella, right. So if I'm not close to Bella then presumably I'm not involved in any of that bullshit."

"Well, technically yes," The Carnivorous Muffin says, "But really, that's so boring. No, you'd be dragged into the plot kicking and screaming. So, you'd probably end up in one of those vampire armies sent to kill Bella, or else turned into a werewolf, something to that effect."

"No, no, come on, have mercy," Anna Jones says with a growing expression of frustrated horror, "Come on, I have to have at least one lucky break. I mean, really, I shouldn't be involved with that at all."

"Not being involved is both boring and pointless, particularly as a self insert so… If you're in Twilight then I'm afraid something terrible must happen to you. At the very least you have to be a home wrecker with one of the Cullens."

"What?!"

The Carnivorous Muffin holds out their hands as if weighing options, "Romance is generally a must in this sort of genre and we have the Cullens around, plus drama, so you're ruining someone's vampire marriage."

"No, come on, no."

"So, I guess you should be glad you're in Death Note."

Anna Jones pauses, considers this, and says, "I'm best friends with a serial killer… I might be dating a serial killer! I am handcuffed to a guy who tortured me for a month to admit to being a serial killer!"

"Yes, Death Note truly is the greatest story ever, isn't it?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks with a dreamy expression.

"Oh my god, just… Just move on, please." Anna Jones says, waving her hand as if to wash all of this away and out of her life.

Which is futile, because Anna Jones' life will always be suffering in some sense or another.

"This is from AsphaltFalls, 'Why aren't you taking advantage of the fact that Light has lost his memories and is fond of you now that you're his girlfriend to get what you want?"

Anna Jones blinks, blinks again, narrows her eyes, "Wait, what?"

"Why aren't you…"

Anna interrupts, "No, no, I got that but… Are you asking me why I'm not taking advantage… Like, sleeping with, why I'm not sleeping with Light's hot amnesiac serial killer ass?"

"… If that's what you think." The Carnivorous Muffin says with a shrug.

Anna shudders, grows dramatically pale, and suddenly looks ill, "Oh god, this is… I am having major déjâ vu to puking on L's feet here."

Anna Jones leans forward slightly, holding her mouth in her hand, and then mutters out, "I… Woof, that is… Not pleasant thought. Um, I just can't, final answer. Next question, please."

"Well you won't like this next one either," The Carnivorous Muffin says, to the amusement of the audience.

"Oh, cool, can't be much worse though,"

"Alright then, this is from najex, 'Is there anything you would like to say to all your fans that want you to have a romance with Light Yagami?"

Anna Jones looks up with raised eyebrows, "You're right, I don't like that one."

Anna Jones sits up with a sigh, looks out at the audience, then cries, "What is wrong with you people?!"

"They enjoy your suffering," The Carnivorous Muffin explains, helpfully adding, "The reviewer najex expressed appreciation for your suffering for our amusement,"

"Well, gee, I'm glad to be of service," Anna Jones says, running a hand through her hair, "Yeah, that's all I've got for them. Anything else?"

"Another from najex, 'Is there anything you would like to say to The Carnivorous Muffin as she is the one responsible for landing you in your current mess? Would you say you hate her even though, without her, you wouldn't exist at all?"

Anna Jones glares at The Carnivorous Muffin, a look that doesn't quite fit her features, then says, "Well, first I'll say, fuck you Carnivorous Muffin. As for whether I hate you… I'm not exactly pleased here, I guess I'd rather exist than not, but would it kill you to make my existence less terrible? I mean, slightly less? Would romantic comedies kill you?"

"I'd be careful of what I wish for if I were you, after all, you're not that far from being a rom com as it is?"

"The hell are you talking about?" Anna Jones asks.

"Well, Light Yagami, and you, for one thing. And L, because triangles are our friends."

"Oh shit," Anna's face pales further with realization.

"Oh shit, indeed, my friend,"

"Right," Anna Jones says, "Forget I ever said anything about that… What's next?"

"Last question for you and our Death Note friends," The Carnivorous Muffin says, "This is from Undying Soul98, 'If you had to pick a single universe from the Carnivorous Muffin's works to be dropped into, excluding your present Death Note verse and the multitude of spin offs (save Minato Namikaze…), where would you most like to appear and where would you the least?"

"Wow, that is… I have to tell you, all of your stories are kind of… Horrible."

"Thank you," The Carnivorous Muffin responds blandly.

"Well, I guess for least, 'October' you know since the universe is somehow going to get wrecked… Although I guess that also applies to 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' so… neither of those please."

"As for others…. Is there a story where I'm least likely to die?"

"Not really," The Carnivorous Muffin says with a shrug, "I mean, there's some where you're less likely to die but… Well, you'll still have issues."

Anna Jones nods slowly, "Huh, well… What about those Twilight fics you have?"

"What about them?"

They are few and far between after all, mostly unread, and mostly unfinished.

"Well, I like that background character idea in Twilight."

"You mean home wrecker," The Carnivorous Muffin corrects.

"…No, no I do not mean that. Well, at least homewrecking doesn't involve serial killers."

"It does involve vampires,"

"Better than Light," Anna Jones concludes, "So, yes, I guess that's what I'll take. One of your ridiculous Twilight stories, if you please."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles and then turns to the audience, "Well, there you have it folks, Anna Jones, now stay tuned during the commercial breaks as we prepare for our final questions of the night."

The camera pans out, the audience claps, and the scene begins to fade as the commercials start to roll.

* * *

"Well, Lenin, I think we've learned something today," Lily comments to her friend Wizard Lenin as they sit in the ruined back stage.

"Have we?"

"We have learned that we are hapless pawns of fate," Lily says, "Controlling nothing of ourselves, mere ideas,"

"Well, I've learned that I hate sharks."

It is important to note that Lily and Lenin Rabbitson are seated on top of a dead shark, a shark that has the remains of some poor Hogwarts student inside of its mouth.

"Well, yes, I've learned that I hate sharks too."

* * *

"Are you ready for the final section!"

The audience screams wildly, The Carnivorous Muffin grins, "Oh, I know I am."

"Alright, these are all short, one answer questions, so I just had our participants write in their answers rather than do clips. Plus, I'm getting sleepy and this is getting long, so this is all we're getting here. You ready?"

The Carnivorous Muffin grabs hold of a white envelope off of the table and holds it in their hands as they explain, "Both of these questions are to Delphi Riddle, who, as you may or may not know, is sort of kind of canon Voldemort's daughter. Seriously, Harry Potter number eight, we get Delphi Riddle and it is a kind of legitimate thing. A legitimate thing that I took advantage of in order to turn 'Harry Potter' into 'Arrested Development' in 'Arrested Revolution"

The Carnivorous Muffin then opens it and says, "Now, first we have from Horrible with Names, 'Do you ever think it might be a bad idea to hold onto a name that reminds your father of his Muggle roots?', followed by a question from CrimsonDomi, 'What are your honest feelings about your mother? What about your mother's husband?"

"And here is Delphi's response, in highly elegant writing for a seven-year-old,

'Dearest Muffin, in regards to your first question I have no idea what you're speaking of. My father, the dark lord, is unsullied by the muggle taint as my mother has told me numerous times. After all, my mother has said that he has transcended humanity and death altogether. For the insult of even attempting to associate his name with the muggles I shall report you to my mother who in turn shall cut off your head and present it to our lord to honor his glorious victory over England.

In regards to the second in all honesty sometimes I fear my mother. Truly, she has favored me and taught me many things but… There are certain days when she isn't herself, or, is more herself than usual. Father, well, my legal father, is better only by comparison. He, at the very least, doesn't have days. But he knows I am not his, and as such doesn't seem to notice me, spends most of his time away from home… One might say I barely know him at all. Still, I have my father, my true father, at the very least. And when you have a father like that why would you ever need anything else?"

The Carnivorous Muffin sets this down and smiles, "Isn't that just adorable?"

The audience lets out the obligatory 'aw' at the thought of the hopeful seven-year-old Delphi Riddle who is about to have her hopes and dreams crushed beneath Voldemort's uncaring heel.

"This next is to Harry from Autumn Pears, from the same story 'Arrested Revolution', where Harry has been raised, more or less, by Voldemort for the past seven years, 'Why do you think Voldemort is keeping you by his side? After learning that Delphi is his illegitimate daughter, have you ever wondered if he has also fathered you by another cultist, whom he got tired of and discarded? In that case, what type of person do you think your mother was?"

The Carnivorous Muffin opens the next envelope, "This is Harry's reply, in much more stilted writing one might expect from an eight-year-old raised by snakes,

'Muffin, I try not to think about my mother, or why I'm here, or what he wants from me. It's easier that way."

The Carnivorous Muffin sets the envelope aside, "Isn't that adorable?"

The audience gives the obligatory 'aw' as they picture Harry's hopes and dreams not being crushed because she has none left to do so with.

"Alright, our next questions are to The Ring, from the multi-chaptered side fic of 'Lily and the Art of Bieng Sisyphus' called 'The Wasteland' starring Lily and The Ring as protagonists." The Carnivorous Muffin picks up the envelope and begins opening it.

"First from CrimsonDomi, 'What do you think about being sentient? Is it fun? Have you had chocolate yet? What's your opinion? If Lily's told you about England, do you want to go there?' this is swiftly followed by a question from , 'How do you currently feel about Sauron and his quest for you?' Then DeadLuck666 asks our final questions, 'So far in your journey with Lily in Middle Earth, what kind of food has been most enjoyable?' and 'Would you like to journey up there to see the stars?"

A sheet of paper is opened from the envelope and The Carnivorous Muffin begins to read, "And here is his response, in Sindarin no less,

'High being,

I have few thoughts if any, on being sentient, because to tell the truth thinking is a new past time for me. It feels… Strange, unnatural almost, and yet I can't imagine being without it. For I wasn't, if that makes sense. I was gold and fire but nothing real, nothing true…

I have yet to have this chocolate of which you speak, so I cannot speak on it, as for this England. Lily's home… Perhaps, someday, but I would see Arda first, my own home, my own world, before I leave it altogether.

As for Sauron, I am torn, for in many ways I am Sauron. I am a portion of his soul and spirit, his anchor to the realm, and yet… And yet I find myself reluctant to return to him, anxious to discover his intentions towards me. I have… apprehensions.

As for food, truthfully, Lily and I have yet to stop for anything of worth. So I suppose I shall have to say ale from pubs… Although, I have the distinct feeling that I can do better than backwater Bree beer.

And the stars, well, the stars have great meaning to the elves. They sing the song of eternity. Such a thing, to journey to them, we would not believe it was possible. And yet, if I could, if I can, then I can't imagine saying no to such an opportunity."

There are few in The Carnivorous Muffin extended universe (good god, that's totally a thing) who speak as eloquently and poetically on all occasions as the Ring chooses to. Even if he is known as Cracker Jack.

"Alright everybody, last two questions here, the first of which is to Tom, from 'October' who has had a very difficult life. This is from Autumn Pears who asks, 'Imagine a universe where you're not immortal, yet consumed by your craving for immortality and revolutionist ambitions. Also, the Azrael of that universe is devoted to you and can hardly imagine life without you, but that Azrael is a ruthless twelve-year-old girl who controls a drug emporium, and you often have to try preventing her from burning down anything of importance. Would you rather be the Tom in that universe?"

The Carnivorous Muffin opens the next envelope, "And here is Tom's response, 'No,"

The Carnivorous Muffin likes to imagine he thought about it, for a little while, but then he probably got too alarmed by the prospect of pedophilia with the perpetually twelve-year-old version of his undying, one-sided, love affair.

"And last but not least, from SilverRider09, to Harry from 'October', 'What are your true thoughts of Tom getting into a relationship with your mother?"

The Carnivorous Muffin gleefully opens the envelope, "And the answer is, 'Extreme discomfort, existentialism, and more discomfort."

The Carnivorous Muffin throws the envelope into the air, "And that's it everybody, thank you everyone for tuning in, see you next time provided people are still interest. And in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"

* * *

Starring:

The Carnivorous Muffin as The Written Representation of The Carnivorous Muffin

Lily as The One that Everybody Loves

Wizard Lenin as The Evening's Political Expert

Death as Sir Barely Appearing in this Chapter

Azrael as Sir Also Barely Appearing in this Chapter

Bella Swan as I Might as Well Have Just Called her Lily

The Slytherin Table as Those Whom Lily has Screwed Over

Daphne Greengrass as The Turncoat

Blaise Zabini as The Other Turncoat

Hermione Granger as The Resident Cynic

Ginny Weasley as The One that Really Wants to Date Lily but Will Probably Settle for a Zombie Army

Dumbledore as The Mysterious Old Man

Rabbit as He Who Says Nothing and Everything

Persephone as The Wife of Lily 1.0

Anna Jones as Kyon

Delphi Riddle as In Over her Head

'Arrested Revolution's Harry Potter as The One Who Actually Knows What she's in For

The One True Ring as The Poet

'October's Tom Riddle as The One Who's Slightly Better off than Wizard Lenin

* * *

Guest Starring:

Harry James Potter

Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way

Disturbing lyrics from Marilyn Manson

Steven Spielberg's "Jaws"

Ridley Scott's "Blade Runner"

* * *

 **Author's Note: I'm too tired from writing this to say anything of importance. So, thank you to readers and reviewers. I'm going to sleep.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the things I usually don't own**


	4. Episode Three: The Land of Lily

Today's chapter of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" is brought to you by the music of ABBA. The Swedish pop group that everyone loves, even if they never admit it.

* * *

Backstage, walking past those forgotten characters who still have tender hope that their tales may continue (a feeble, futile hope, that is far too often in vain), Lily and Wizard Lenin of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" navigate the usual chaos that comes with being backstage in "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction"

Not limited, today, to Dead Last of "Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds" bleeding form his eyes and being reassured by Eru Lee that despite over powered eyeballs being an odd requirement of the "Naruto" universe, this in no way will make him in any way shape or form a competent shinobi.

And although the twelve-year-old Namikaze Minato doesn't want to admit it, she's probably right about that. And that the chunin exams will be… interesting.

"I'm just saying, Lenin, that of all the stories to get a spin off, ours, 'October', 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep', 'God of the Machine', why is it, that when something gets expanded, it's the weird 'My Immortal' thing?" Lily asks her constant companion, a look of sheer and utter confusion on her face as she tries to contemplate the ineffable workings of the great writer's mind, "I mean, weren't we promised a Frank spin-off at one point, or a Death spin-off? Why did we end up with the goffick one?"

"You forgot the space ninja one," Wizard Lenin responds drily, referring to the recent spin-off of "Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds", "Finishing the Hat" in which The Carnivorous Muffin finally makes a title reference that not one member of the audience understands.

"Hey, I actually like space ninjas… I wish I was a space ninja," Lily confesses, only to earn a pair of raised pale eyebrows from Wizard Lenin wearing the guise of Lenin Rabbitson.

Lily then explains further with dramatic hand motions, completely ignoring the sight of Light Yagami and Anna Jones of "God of the Machine" who watch their progress with raised eyebrows (perhaps wondering how the times have changed, and why they have been constantly set aside for Lily's bizarre absurdist tale), "It's true, I'm just stuck in Hogwarts, and here she is off in the Star Wars universe! Star Wars, that means Death Stars and lightsabers and jedi and Darth Vader…"

Wizard Lenin looks dearly tempted to point out that neither Death Stars nor Darth Vader show up in the prequels, but hesitates if only to save his tattered reputation and the illusion that he is not a giant nerd.

He finally settles on a dry, scathing, and rather British, "Are you saying our adventures are meaningless?"

"Well, yes, life is ultimately meaningless, that's the entire point of our story," Lily says, as if this is of no consequence, before adding, "But their meaninglessness is way more awesome than ours! Space ninja Lily has a lightsaber… and space! What do I have?! A giant snake in the basement, a crazy teen version of you who we haven't even gotten to call Trotsky yet (because his name is totally Trotsky and or Snowball for short), and you and Hermione bitching at each other."

Wizard Lenin's calm demeanor does not even last a second, "I do not bitch with Granger!"

"You spent the last chapter bickering about whether Christmas was antirevolutionary or not. It's gotten to the point where I think some people are legitimately shipping you to together (although that's a whole different can of worms)," Lily points out before her eyes widen once again and she returns to her original point, "But that's all beside the point! The point is, that of all the things our maker could be writing, she chooses to spend her time rehashing 'My Immortal'. You know, I'm starting to wonder if she enjoys toying with us."

"You're just upset to meet an enemy you can't overpower," Wizard Lenin points out, while also refusing to point out that this unstoppable enemy is either the heat death of the universe of goffism.

"No, besides, I'm not the one who should be worried. After all, I don't make any appearances in the original 'My Immortal', unlike some," Lily then gives Wizard Lenin a rather pointed look, taking in his youthful Albanian appearance, as if to remind him that there is far more to come in "My Immortal" and much of it does not bode well for Tom Marvolo Riddle, otherwise known as Satan, the Hot Topic store clerk.

"Stop that," Wizard Lenin admonishes before stating, "Besides, as you said, it's a spin-off, it would never happen in the true story."

"How do you know?" Lily asks, "Reality is falling apart, maybe in the original story line it will become gothic too. We haven't exactly been told that it won't."

They let that statement linger between them, both reading the dawning fear and horror in each other's eyes, and then at once both feel the abrupt need to brush it off entirely.

"No, there's no way, she's not that bad of a writer or that terrible of a human being." Lily says, "I mean, that's just such a rip off ending…"

"For someone who tries to fashion herself into a fanfiction representation of Philip K. Dick she couldn't possibly…"

Both fall into silence.

"Lenin, didn't Philip K. Dick have that book where god turned out to be a bunch of spray cans?"

Wizard Lenin does not respond, in tandem, both turn to look from whence they came at the mass of characters derived from themselves, their eyes landing on the borrowed Ebony Way, and then they look back towards each other.

"So, bigger boat?" Lily asks.

Wizard Lenin agrees without hesitation, "Yes, Lily, bigger boat."

* * *

"Welcome back everybody!"

As usual, with the opening of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction", the sight of The Carnivorous Muffin sitting in their armchair waving to the audience, there is much rejoicing.

Once the enthusiastic clapping calms itself The Carnivorous Muffin starts, "Can you believe I'm still updating this thing? Regarding putting it off, well, I assumed people would want to read actual stories instead of whatever the hell this is. And we did, a lot of things updated, and they were exciting… I have ventured further into spin-off recursion than I thought possible, that 'My Immortal' thing became an actual thing along with the Twilight thing from last chapter, and I think I may have started a shipping skirmish in 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds."

This is evidenced, not only by the LeexMinato fans in the audience, the vast majority of the audience who care about "Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds", but also by the slightly smaller cropping of the LeexMinatoxKushina fans as well as the newest grouping of LeexTobirama fans.

The Carnivorous Muffin isn't sure how she feels about any of them and thus her written representation tries their best not to stare any of them directly in the eye.

"We've got a bunch of exciting stuff for you today. There's 'God of the Machine' questions, 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' questions, even some questions for those stories I assumed nobody cared about anymore. Right, well, anyways, as usual we're going to start with all those wonderful questions directed to me," The Carnivorous Muffin says before motioning to the pile of white envelopes that have the written questions, and without further ado, opens the first.

"Right, let's see, this is from Arashi – IV of VI," The Carnivorous Muffin says before clearing their throat and reading, "Okay Muffin, but are we sure that carrots do exist in 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'? Might there be a chance that Rabbit ate them after all?"

The Carnivorous Muffin considers this, mostly because someone felt the need to ask, and finally says, "Well, sure, why not? Since carrots haven't shown up yet and no one's mentioned them there's a chance that Rabbit has devoured them from the 'Lily' universe. If this makes you feel better then I'm not the person who's going to crush your hopes and dreams. That's really all I have to say about that one. With that, next question."

The Carnivorous Muffin picks up the next envelope, pulls out the review, and reads, "This is from our friend Crimson Domi who asks, 'What's the Great Pumpkin'?"

The Carnivorous Muffin looks stunned for a moment, then says slowly almost disbelievingly, "I forget not everyone has seen 'Peanuts' holiday specials. The Great Pumpkin is from 'It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown', The Great Pumpkin being a mythical Santa like figure who makes an appearance on Halloween night who only the character Linus believes in. I believe what I was referencing, at the time, was Linus' line early in the show, that there are three things one should never discuss in order to avoid confrontation: politics, religion, and The Great Pumpkin."

(For the record, The Carnivorous Muffin does greatly enjoy the various "Peanuts" holiday specials. Particularly the Halloween one and the Christmas one. As can probably be deduced from the spattering of references to either that creep into various stories.)

"Right, these are easy today and surprisingly Rabbit-less compared to last time, next question," The Carnivorous Muffin picks up the next envelope and reads, "Oh, well, never mind, more Rabbit. This is also supposed to be asked when Rabbit appears on stage but I guess we'll just repeat the question later. This is from DeadLuck666 'Could I name a character 'Rabbit' without grievances from you?'"

The Carnivorous Muffin considers this slowly, "Well, I hardly own the name Rabbit, so certainly. That said, if it's Rabbit the character you're borrowing, or even the concept of his character, I would greatly appreciate that you note the fact that he is borrowed from The Carnivorous Muffin's 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'. Otherwise, go nuts."

(For future reference, The Carnivorous Muffin gives this standard endorsement to anything people ask to do. All you need to do is reference the original work and The Carnivorous Muffin as the original author and you are free to make use of characters, settings, anything you want to your heart's content.

Even soulless, reality devouring, abominations such as Rabbit.)

"And, oh, look, there's a few more from DeadLuck666," The Carnivorous Muffin says in surprise as she reads through the message, "Let's see, also note that I've edited this somewhat to correct factual details, 'Why don't you write a book? You do know 'Fifty Shades of Grey' was originally a Twilight fanfic, right? You could totally make a book with your stuff, if you fill in the parts that were created by other authors or paid royalties to use them. If you did, I would buy a copy and read it. I actually like your stories."

"Well, first, this is very flattering," The Carnivorous Muffin, "That said, I am slowly but surely working on transferring 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' into something suitably non-Harry Potter as to warrant real people publishing, but we'll see if that goes anywhere, and if I can then convince someone to publish it once I finish with that. Otherwise, no real book ideas for me right now, but if I have any grand updates on that front I will be sure to let people know. Still, thanks for the thought, that's very kind of you. And yes, that thought does occur to me quite often, because my god, if 'Fifty Shades of Gray' can get published then surely I can make some money off of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles, "Alright, last from DeadLuck666 for now, 'What gave you the idea to write 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'?"

The Carnivorous Muffin's smile drops as she considers the monumental nature of this question, or, rather, all the winding history that goes into it, "Oh good lord, we're saving the hard ones for last. Well… The short story is that it was a bunch of meandering ideas that sort of wormed their way together and… yes. I guess it started with an original idea of wanting to write a story about a god like Harry as the master of death. In the story he'd end up creating this artificial being who looked like a childish version of his mother, this would essentially end up being a prototype of the Lily we know and love today. As I was planning the story and writing the first few chapters it struck me that Lily was the far more interesting character. Gradually, from there I had this idea of the multiverse Harry Potter universe, of Harry as Death from a universe long since snuffed out, and Lily in the center of it all trying to find some semblance of meaning in her own existence as reality crumbles around her. It's always been about the meaning of life, and an exploration of absurdity in fanfiction, something I'd rarely if ever seen done (and none quite in the way that I would do it), and that's really the essence of where it all got started."

There's perhaps more to it, but none that has any true relevance, and probably not of much interest to the reader, certainly not worthy of a giant rant from The Carnivorous Muffin at this time.

"Ok, let's see what we have next, this is from Butterfly Wings Chaos Theory, 'How old are you?" The Carnivorus Muffin blinks, "Well, I'm not sure what bearing this has on anything, or if my answer is in any ways embarrassing (as I'm perhaps too old for this site), but I'm twenty-three."

The Carnivorous Muffin, needless to say, has been on this site a ridiculously long time.

"Next, from Banana Pie, who you can stone to death for starting that 'My Immortal' rubbish thing that we have going on," The Carnivorous Muffin says, "You say that Lily, Anna Jones, etc., are self inserts. However, they're nothing like any other self-insert I've seen (their uniqueness (in a good way) is proven by the popularity of their respective fics – especially Lily's). What are your thoughts on this and what do you think it says about you (they are 'self' inserts after all)?"

"Well, this is an interesting question," The Carnivorous Muffin muses before launching into their answer, "First, I can't remember when I said that Lily is a self-insert but I didn't really mean it if I did say it. She's very much not. Granted, we do share quite a few traits in common, but that can be said for everyone I write, and at the end of things she's ultimately not derived from myself. Anna Jones though, very much is a self-insert."

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses once again, considering how to continue, before saying, "I think to me self-insert has a different meaning than it does to most people. Most people, assume, that self-insert is synonymous for awful or mediocre at best. Now, let's not kid ourselves, it's true, self-inserts in general are awful things. That said, I've always viewed it as more of a genre than anything else. Someone from our world, or a world very much like ours, is transported into a new one. That's it, that is what an SI is in general. It has no bearing on the character's personality, perhaps only on their abilities, that they reflect what one might expect to see from someone belonging to our universe. With that said, the story does not have to bend to the SI's whims or needs, they don't have to befriend the hero or the villain, they don't have to succeed or even alter the plot, they are simply a stranger in a strange land and anything beyond that is for the author to decide.

So, for example, I consider 'Now and Then, Here and There' (the anime), to be one of the best done versions of the SI plot I've ever seen. 'Princess Tutu' is another excellent rendition of the SI plotline. Also, for that matter, is the first book of 'The Gunslinger' series where we're introduced to the boy Jake, who in his own right is an SI (we're not counting later when Stephen King actually did insert himself and it got really weird).

That said, I find most SI stories lacking because of the author's tendency to warp the story around their inserted character. People, when inserting themselves into a story or someone close enough to themselves, tend to make it more about the world than the characters. It becomes an exploration in love of a fandom or else love of a particular character and so things happen here and there but nothing of impact seems to happen to the character, and when it does it falls… flat.

When I set out to write 'God of the Machine' it was because I was tired of that and wanted to do SI in Death Note justice. I had seen many renditions of L and some SI teaming up to stop Kira which ultimately derails into a fix-it fic where L doesn't die and Light may or may not die depending on that author's liking of Light Yagami as well as a few stories where Light teams up with the SI (which is always very weird). I wanted something true to the nature of 'Death Note', one where no one is on the other person's side, and our inserted character is not untouchable and faces grave consequences for action or else inaction.

That said, writing 'God of the Machine' can be bizarre sometimes, as, while Anna Jones isn't quite myself, we share a lot in common. To the point where recent chapters have been me writing my own descent into bitterness, hatred, and insanity.

I can see why other authors avoid this path, as it is somewhat alarming to be deeply introspective and ask yourself how good of a person you truly are and what paths you would be likely to take in any given situation, but it's one I think is ultimately worth taking if you want to have a story worth reading.

So, SI as a genre, doesn't deserve to be blown off, but there are many examples where it just… doesn't really hold much interest.

As for what all of this says about me, well, what do my stories in general say about me? Sometimes I delude myself into thinking I have a normal imagination, then I look at my profile and all of its ridiculousness, and realize that I really don't."

The Carnivorous Muffin offers the audience a polite smile, perhaps trying to avoid considering their written descent into madness and rage in the form of Anna Jones, and then when there is no reaction from the audience moves on to the final question.

"Right, well, last question to me from Banana Pie once again, then we're off to interview all of those wonderful 'God of the Machine' characters that people strangely love. Seriously, I had no idea people even cared about my 'Death Note' stuff," The Carnivores Muffin clears their throat to read, "In regards to 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus': What is a question, which doesn't seem like one with a spoiler-y answer and doesn't spoil anything by itself, that if answered by you right now, would reveal some huge and important plot twist or secret?"

"Surprisingly enough, this is rather easy, one which I have always blown off answering but has been asked quite a few times," The Carnivorous Muffin says, "What exactly is Rabbit?"

And with that ominous question lingering in the air and all that hangs with it the screen fades and the commercials begin to roll. Abruptly the show comes back on, "My apologies, but it seems we actually have a last minute review from Elliot Green, who is blatantly trying to up the review count to get a side fic for this monstrosity… I can't believe we've reached this point."

The audience, needless to say, is prompted by the giant neon sign that cues the laugh track.

"Right, well, they have a few questions," The Carnivorous Muffin says as they read the review, "First, 'Doesn't the fact that 'canon' Harry Potter appears in this fic at all mean that he by definition can't be the canon Harry Potter?"

The Carnivorous Muffin blinks, blinks again, looks down at the review, and promptly curses, "Goddammit!"

The Carnivorous Muffin then blinks again, and decides to ignore this question entirely, "Right, well, they also asked, 'When does she actually do all that time traveling? Because if she can get mistaken for Lily Riddle as a child, then the time traveling must happen when she's fairly young, right? Although I guess all that might be too spoiler-y, so maybe my question is: are we going to see more about Lily Riddle soon in the fic, or is that farther off once Lily's older? Also I have some theories about Lenin's mysterious childhood friend, but we haven't heard about her for a while except in side fics. Will we ever learn more about her?"

The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces slightly, "Well, that's a monster of a question. I suppose I'll address the first part first, and state that 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' is one of the most ambitious things I've ever done, not only because of its weird content and at times intricate and subtle (yes, there are very subtle things going on in there that I haven't seen audience members pick up on), but also because it's hideously long in nature.

I don't know the exact arc length off the top of my head, and some of it has changed as we've gone along, but there's about three or four major arcs to the story, each focusing on a different one of our main characters, and subdivided into their own individual arcs.

The first part, the part we're in now, is all about Lily, building her up, getting into her head, and setting up everything that happens in the rest of the story, mostly in terms of characterization of Lily but also dropping some very important plot elements, which, right now, have to be introduced only to be expanded upon later.

As a result, everything's mostly a lot of seeds of mysteries and wacky adventures, which start out fairly light-hearted if with a darker element beneath, but have lately taken a turn for the more ominous as we progress along. And most of the mysteries are mentioned off hand or not even fully introduced but instead hinted at by one-time comments, or else brought up but then not expanded upon repeatedly, and like our narrator Lily we're expected to be distracted enough by what's going on in the present moment at Hogwarts that we really don't care.

A lot of the Lily Riddle stuff and hints to Wizard Lenin's past were intended as this, and if I hadn't gotten into the whole side fic business, probably would have been a lot less blatantly obvious that 'something' is going on. But I did and so at this point the whole 'Lily Riddle' intrigue feels more like getting hit over the head repeatedly with a wooden plank. Needless to say, I wasn't nearly as subtle as I thought I was while also setting up very necessary plot elements.

At any rate, what's probably clear to everyone is that we're finally moving out of this main introductory arc and transitioning into the second part of the story, which is all about that Wizard Lenin and everything he never wants to talk about, ever.

As a result, getting to the other questions, the answer to that is 'yes', we learn about Lily Riddle, Wizard Lenin's childhood, and even about a lot of things that readers haven't continually asked about in this second main arc of the fic. Most of the mysteries that readers have thus far been concerned about, and Lily herself for that matter, will soon be resolved and their answers revealed.

A lot of the deeper mysteries of the story, others that have been brought up now and then although far less frequently than the 'Lily Riddle' or 'Tom's friend' theories, will have to wait their turn to be revealed far later in the story."

The Carnivorous Muffin sighs, then states, "And isn't it depressing that we're still technically in the beginning of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'?"

The Carnivorous Muffin certainly thinks it is.

"Alright, with that, now we are free to cut to commercials. And when we come back we do a rundown of 'God of the Machine' questions which… People still read my 'Death Note' stuff?"

The audience cheers, claps enthusiastically, and the show fades from view as the trailers begin to roll.

* * *

Now Presenting

That Goddamn "Black Butler" and "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" crossover people keep asking for

By The Carnivorous Muffin

Starring:

Lily, the antichrist/God/Christ/The Summit of Imagination and Pit of Human Fear

Sebastian Michaelis, a demon

Ciel Phantomhive, Hamlet the Faust

"When people began to multiply on the face of the ground, and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that they were fair; and they took wives for themselves of all that they chose… The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went in to the daughters of humans, who bore children to them."

Genesis 6:1-4

England, towards the end of both the 19th century and the Victorian age, the son of the earl of Phantomhive, Ciel Phantomhive, witnessed the murder of his parents and the desecration of their bodies, was sold into slavery and prepared as a sacrifice to summon a great power, a power beyond mere human comprehension, the kind that turned entire cities into salt and parted the red sea in two.

It was at this moment that the unnamed demon made an appearance and makes his bargain. A game he had played before, where he sold his service for a soul of a boy, a young prince of Denmark in all but name.

But the game had something he had not planned for, or not suspected, because surprisingly the humans had succeeded in summoning something other than him. Because there, with a surge of power massacring them left from right, a young girl appeared out of nothing, hair a vibrant and brilliant golden red, face pale, and eyes a haunting green. For a moment she stood there, swaying on bare feet, her eyes sightlessly staring forward, her fingers twitching and shaking, and then without a word or a look at either him or the boy or even the bodies she collapsed over herself and fell into unconsciousness.

And it was all too clear, from that strange spice of her blood, from the internal glow of her soul, that she was nothing human.

(So, for the first time but undoubtedly not the last, the newly named Sebastian turned to his young master, Ciel Phantomhive, and he lied.

"The girl, as you can see, is a servant of mine."

And although the boy grimaced, narrowed his eyes (one eye inscribed with the covenenant between man and demon), he said nothing as Sebastian not only cradled him in his arms, but also flung the unconscious girl over his shoulder.)

* * *

He saw to the boy first (he would always see to the boy first), but after the miraculous reconstruction of the Phantomhive estate, placing the boy inside of his room, it was one of the servant quarters where he had stored the girl, where he found himself lingering.

She did not smell like the desert, like old memories of a world long since passed by, but all the same something in the curve of her young face reminded him of Israel and the ancient years before even that.

He found over the millennia that the truth of a demon was twofold, it was ennui, and it was to covet.

Boredom had shaped him, had twisted and remade him into the being he was now, perhaps unrecognizable from that angel he had been before rebellion. But then, perhaps not, even to the demons and the angels it was unclear how far the omniscience of their creator truly stretched, and if he had not been all he was destined to be even before the fall.

Perhaps, even then, he had been desperately bored.

And boredom was a desperate thing, a crushing thing, the human English word boredom was only a shallow reflection of what it truly was. Ennui, that was closer, but still did not quite touch, was not the great vast desert of eternity deprived of purpose.

At any rate, the boredom had not faded, rather, it had become refined over the millennia, until now trying ways to appease it was almost a fine art.

But there was another great truth of his existence, of any demon's, and perhaps any angel's, existence.

Wanting.

Demons coveted man, his soul, the divine spark of his tenuous existence, many forgot this and interpreted it as a desperate hunger, some as a means of entertainment, but the truth was that it was nothing more than desire.

They had always desired man, envied him, despised him, and coveted him… Him and his daughters.

Sebastian remembered those early days after the rebellion, back before they tasted souls for themselves, then it had been about temptation and simply dragging humankind into hell with the rest of them. They had been a unified force then, still an army, still bitter over their loss and retreat into the pits of existence.

Of course, it hadn't lasted, they had rebelled because they defied that unity. In the end, demons were solitary creatures, and any attempt at cooperation had chafed something awful.

But there had been other things then.

Gender, the female form, had been new and revolutionary. And what many did not discuss was that there was a second great fall, that not all demons were born from that first rebellion, but some had looked at the daughters of men and they had coveted.

Some simply stole their faces, their forms, twisted themselves into this dual concept of masculine and feminine and back again as it suited them.

Others took wives for themselves and were damned for it.

Of course, that was ages ago, when Sebastian perhaps could be described as young, and when he'd spent most of his time in the desert looking in contempt upon mankind. The Nephilim had all died out, or at least, so he'd always assumed.

There was something ethereal and almost angelic about her, that divine androgyny that humans failed to match, the strange color of her hair, the pale and unmarred shade of her skin, and the green of her eyes, not a reaper's sickened yellow green but something inhuman all the same.

Yes, he thought to himself as he looked at her, someone would be falling very shortly, no doubt, someone powerful too.

Someone had coveted too greatly.

At that thought her eyes flickered open, for a moment she said nothing, merely let her eyes wander across the room (glowing with that internal, inhuman light, the light of those closer to god than man could ever dream of being), finally her eyes turned to him, and she said, perhaps too calmly, "So, I don't seem to remember anything."

Almost against his will he felt the corner of his lips twitch upwards in amusement, "Truly?"

She paused, considering him, frowning, and began to ramble onwards, "... Well, there's odd flashes of cults, dead cults, and half naked boys on alters as virgin sacrifices… And maybe a giant snake. And were you a crow?"

And then he found himself fighting an expression of surprise and disbelief forming on his face, because surely, whatever he had expected, it wasn't… this.

However, she hardly seemed concerned by him, sitting up and rubbing and hand through her hair, her eyes widening with realization, "…I think someone wiped my memories. That son of a bitch!"

She paused, glanced at him, then glanced at her hands as if they might reveal what she'd forgotten, but they must not have told her because she then threw them in the air and cried, "Do you know how frustrating this is? I have the feeling I was doing something really important and now I… I don't even know my own bloody name! Or what I'm doing here… Actually, was I virgin sacrifice number one that went terribly wrong? And they decided to bring out the other one since I… blew them up? Or did he blow them up? Wait, no, I'm still very confused."

She then looked at him again, almost expectantly, as if he had some explanation for everything. And slowly, carefully, he gave her a small and bare explanation of what he had surmised which might satisfy her, "First, you are currently in the reconstructed Phantomhive Manor, under the employ, along with myself, to the earl of Phantomhive, Ciel Phantomhive."

She did not seem remotely satisfied by this explanation, but none the less let him continue.

"As for what they, your cult, wanted with you… Well, I believe they used the boy to summon you, perhaps mistaking you for your father."

"My father?" the girl asked, her eyebrows raising almost comically, "That seems like a… weird mix-up to have."

"On the contrary, I'm sure you take very much after your father," he said, and while he couldn't place who it might be now, even awake and with her frankly bizarre manner of speech she practically reeked of inhumanity.

She looked down at herself then back up at him, "I appear to be an adolescent girl."

He offered no response, only a thin, polite, smile.

She seemed rather dissatisfied by this, her expression right then emulating some of the young master's, a slight rather irritated pout on her childish lips, "Right, well, who are you supposed to be then?"

"I'm Sebastian Michaelis, and I'm merely one hell of a butler." He paused then, looked at her, and said, "And you, as of today, are my assistant."

"…Really?" she asked, not so much asking if she had been before or agreed to this, but if this was the path their conversation was truly taking.

"A maid, for now." Sebastian continued, before adding, "One hell of maid, I'm sure."

For a moment she only stared at him, a strange half-grimace on her face, before she responded drily, "Somehow I feel like being a maid was not what I wanted to do with my life. But, since I can't remember what the hell else I should be doing, and am not sure I want to go hunting down giant snakes…"

He took off his glove on the sealed hand, his fingernails black and the pentagram prominent on his pale skin even in the dark, and he held it out to her. She eyed it silently and warily, and there was clear understanding in her eyes as she looked down at it, knowledge that to take his hand was to enter into an unbreakable covenant.

And for a moment, he was almost convinced that she would simply leave.

But then, she stared into his eyes, and there was some hint of recognition in hers, some sense of kinship, and her hand reached out for his, his seal painting itself on the back of her unblemished skin.

And that was how Sebastian recruited the Nephilim, Lily, into his services. Although, later, he would often wonder if it should have been that anticlimactic.

(Coming soon, perhaps, with enough interest, to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

"And we're back everybody!" There is much rejoicing as The Carnivorous Muffin once again makes a reappearance, "And just like I promised we have a few questions for Light, Anna, and Soichiro… Actually, just one giant scenario thing that will no doubt be horrifying and awkward for everyone."

The Carnivorous Muffin sighs, "So, you know those fanfiction stories where you sit the 'canon' characters down and have them either read the original canon book or watch the canon film or do whatever, then talk about how they feel about it? Well, this is one of those, only with 'God of the Machine' instead, obviously in its uncompleted form up until chapter 24 or whatever the hell it's on now."

The Carnivorous Muffin then states more formally, "This was asked by patheticnoob, and specifically it is, 'After the entire story of 'God of the Machine' has been played to Light and Anna (just to be thorough), they and a Soichiro who has seen it get to interact.' So, to facilitate all of that, we brought the three of them on stage!"

The spotlight turns to the corner of the stage where a rather reluctant Anna Jones, a rather grim faced and murderous looking Light Yagami, and a pale and dead eyed Soichiro Yagami all stumble on stage and take the three seats across from The Carnivorous Muffin, each met with a winning round of applause.

"Oh, it is… It is not great to be back here, let me tell you," Anna said, which is probably a fair response, given that by prompting perhaps the worst thing to ever happen has occurred. Needless to say, Light and Soichiro say nothing, they aren't even looking at each other.

"And was that really necessary?"

"I am but the writer, Anna Jones," The Carnivorous Muffin states with a shrug, "I do not ask the questions merely provide the answers."

"They're going to kill each other," Anna says motioning to both Light and Soichiro, "It's going to be a blood bath."

"No, you're exaggerating," The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, regards both, then states, "Besides, we'd have to cut for technical difficulties so it wouldn't be on camera."

"Oh, so it doesn't count?" Anna asked.

"…Well, frankly, no. If I don't write about it, and since we're in this weird metauniverse, then if I don't show it then it probably doesn't happen." The Carnivorous Muffin doesn't want to spend too long analyzing this particular story and what happens offstage in it.

There is a silent heady moment, in which Anna Jones watches Soichiro out of the corner of her eye, while Light simply stares straight at him, face stripped of expression, as if in some dream he had seen this all before and knew not to blink.

To blink was to die.

"Listen to me," Soichiro started, his face worn and eyes blood shot, as he stared at his son, and instead of a stage imagine him in the front seat of a car, behind the driver's wheel, parked at the edge of a freeway exit, "I'm going to kill you here, and then kill myself."

Another Light, one without motive or memory, would have panicked in that instant but this one was cold, "Really, father, I can't say I would do any differently. Then again, I wouldn't do any differently."

"We are nothing alike!" Soichiro started, and already he was reaching for the gun in his jacket, "I am bound by my responsibilities as a father and chief of the NPA."

"Am I that dishonorable?! No, no, it would have been dishonorable to have done nothing! To have wasted my life and all my opportunities to let this world rot! I had the chance, only I could do it, don't you understand that?! You of all people who have seen what rottenness this world is truly comprised of!" Light laughs, head tilted back, eyes blazing red, that breathless laugh that comes at the end of things, "Oh, father, you may commit suicide from shame and dishonor, but don't think that your putting down your only son like a dog will buy anything back for you now."

"Light," Anna started only to be cut off by Soichrio by the cocking of his gun straight at his son.

"From one murderer to another, Light, I'll see you in hell," And there is a single, stark, gunshot and a scream.

And, as promised, the show is replaced by a screen of a cartooned Light Yagami with his brains blown all over the backseat of a car along with a cartooned Soichiro slumped over the driver's wheel, leaving a blood soaked, terrified, memoryless Misa Amane behind.

And overtop this, written in large, garish letters, are the words, "We appear to be experiencing technical difficulties, we'll be back after these words from our sponsors."

* * *

At the base of a great mountain, drenched in sweat, sliding backwards with every moment she dared to pause for a breath, Wizard Lenin keeping pace alongside her with his nose stuck in the Daily Prophet.

"You know, something about this feels…" Lily gasped, held onto the boulder to prevent it from rolling back down again, and only when it was steady did she finish with a great exhausted sigh, "Ridiculously familiar."

"Less whining more pushing," Wizard Lenin commented, to which Lily could only respond with a glare.

"Easy for you to say! You aren't even the one pushing up this goddamn rock up the goddamn hill! And it just keeps rolling down again anyway!"

"Well, that's hardly my problem," Wizard Lenin commented.

"No, but it's mine, and what's the point of me even doing this if it's just going to fall back down again?... And god this feels familiar, you know what it feels like?"

"Like pushing a rock up a hill?" Wizard Lenin asked.

"No, like Potions Class, I mean, granted, two times more sweaty than that and ten times as exhausting… I just have that same feeling. Does that make any sense?"

"No, less whining, more pushing."

And thus, Lily, in her usual fashion, reenacted Sisyphus' absurdly heroic punishment with all the art and wit she could possibly muster.

* * *

There is loud cheering as the lights turn on once again and The Carnivorous Muffin greets the audience, "Oh we certainly enjoy breaking the fourth wall here, don't we?"

Given the audience's forced and prompted laughter they very much agree.

"Alright, now, it's the moment I'm sure everyone has been waiting for. The one person everyone loves more than anyone else I write, that's right, it's time to interview none other than Lily of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'!"

Twelve-year-old Lily, dressed in her typical Hogwarts uniform steps out from back stage, the spotlight shimmering about her as she offers the audience a curt bow before grinning and taking her seat across from The Carnivorous Mufifn.

"Oh, Carnivorous Muffin, it is great to be back." Lily exclaimed, "Frankly, I'm surprised we're all still doing this thing. I thought for sure we'd get cancelled after that first episode."

"Yes," The Carnivorous Muffin dimly agrees, "I was sure too, but apparently people enjoy question and answer fics."

Lily merely raises her eyebrows, "Can't say I see why, after all, it's not like you really know what any of us are going to say. No one does."

"But if anyone were to have an accurate guess it probably would be me," The Carnivorous Muffin responds, "You know, since I made you up and all."

"Lenin would take great offense to that," Lily said, "Then again he takes great offense to everything, I think it's chronic."

"Right, well, thank you for coming on Lily, and for being such a great guest," the sad truth being that Lily takes all of this easier than any other character, "That said, you ready for some questions?"

"Muffin, please, I was born ready," Lily responds, her calm words met by the enthusiastic cheering of the audience.

The Carnivorous Muffin offers a bemused smile and then begins, "Our first question is the same one I got earlier from Crimson Domi, this time for you, 'What's the Great Pumpkin'?"

Lily blinks, then blinks again, "Does no one watch television?"

"Well, it's Charlie Brown, you know those things are very old… Well, not for your universe, or not as much, but maybe they don't play it as much on television anymore." The Carnivorous Muffin offers with a shrug while Lily continues to look baffled.

"Next, you'll be telling me no one watched 'Dirty Harry'," Lily says shaking her head.

"Uh, Lily, I think very few people caught that reference," The Carnivrous Muffin hedges, although it's hard to say how many were simply silent about catching it, but The Carnivorous Muffin is willing to bet that "Dirty Harry" isn't nearly as universal as she had thought it was.

"No," Lily says in complete and utter disbelief, "Surely everyone knows the 'do you feel lucky' monologue."

"Well, I don't know, but I think not," The Carnivorous Muffin says with a shrug, "Sorry."

"But they've seen 'Total Recall', right?" Lily asks, "And 'Blade Runner'?"

The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces, "I think even less have seen those."

"Well they'd better get on that, you quote 'Blade Runner' all the time, and 'Total Recall' is going to get quoted very soon… This isn't good." Lily finally concludes.

"Maybe you should watch more common films," The Carnivorous Muffin suggests, "Of course, you're stuck right now with anything created before 1992."

"I know, do you know how hard it is not to quote 'Pulp Fiction'?" Lily asks.

"Very difficult?"

"Extremely," Lily says, "I can't ask if the motherfuckers speak English, or talk about quarter pounders with cheese, or strike down upon thee with a great vengeance… I can't reference 'The Matrix' either, or 'Gladiator'… Life is so very difficult."

The Carnivorous Muffin merely offers a shrug, "Well, we can't always get what we want. Either way, are you ready for the next question?"

"Do you know what they call questions in Paris?" Lily asks, "Questions with cheese."

"… I'll take that as a yes," The Carnivorous Muffin says slowly.

"A yes with cheese," Lily corrects with a perfect look of serenity on her face as if this is a perfectly natural thing for her to say.

"Right, well, this is from Crimson Domi again, actually a couple questions from Crimson Domi, 'What's your opinion on time travel? What would you think about a version of yourself who, instead of being Wizard Jesus and friends with Wizard Lenin, is a ninja in an alternate reality and best friends with another blond ninja; while also having to deal with plant zombies, speaking Japanese and a pervert of a teacher, not to mention Dead Last?"

"That's a complicated question," Lily comments, "Time travel? I'm not really sure, it's kind of exhausting if I'll be honest. Efficient though, and damn useful… Am I supposed to have other opinions?"

"Perhaps that it's dangerous," The Carnivorous Muffin points out, "The paradoxes alone are mind boggling."

"Dangerous? No more than anything else," Lily points out, "I'm pretty sure I break reality on a daily basis, what's time travel compared to that?"

"Point," The Carnivorous Muffin concedes, "Now what about the rest of it?"

"Oh, the ninja part…" Lily trails off, "I'd like to be a ninja, that sounds exciting, and useful. If I was a ninja I wouldn't have nearly as much trouble with that giant snake."

"But you probably would have had issues with plant zombies," the author points out.

"Who cares about plant zombies when you have giant snakes roaming the hallways? Plant zombies I can handle, and pervert teachers sound better than Snape at the very least who seems addicted to children's tears, and I can put up with a dead last… I put up with Ron Weasley and Margaritaville."

"Well, Lee has her own issues to deal with…" The Carnivorous Muffin points out only to trail off when she realizes that Lily wouldn't be able to comprehend the differences, as Lily herself is not Eru Lee nor is Eru Lee Lily, they have deviated and drifted from one another where seeing a world without Wizard Lenin inside of it or Minato inside of it is impossible to do.

"At any rate, I have another question for you, this time from Syra72, 'Lily, if you could travel to any universe based off of a book/movie where would you go and would you bring anyone with you?"

"'Lord of the Rings', obviously," Lily says without a moment of hesitation, "And I'd take Lenin, and we'd help hobbits, save middle earth, smoke some pipes, restore the rightful king of Gondor, and have an awesome time."

"…You know, you do travel to Middle Earth, and that's not what happens." The Carnivorous Muffin points out, thinking of "The Wasteland", with the caveat that in that particular story, just so as not to make it too simplistic, Lily has no knowledge of "Lord of the Rings".

"What? I do… Well, what do I do instead?"

"You accidentally make The One Ring sentient and you two become pals and cut off Saruman's head." The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, and adds, "It makes sense in context."

"… That's not so bad, I guess," Lily says, "But wait, if we're bros, then doesn't that mean I don't kill Sauron. So… I doom Middle Earth?"

"In a roundabout way," The Carnivorous Muffin admits, "But it's not done yet, so who knows."

"…I like this less," Lily states slowly, "I think I'd rather save Middle Earth than destroy it."

There is the unspoken thought that Lily, despite her intentions and beliefs, is incredibly good at destruction. One might say she was born for it. For surely, Lily has no truer purpose than the destruction of all that is and ever was.

"Well, is there some other question then?" Lily asks, looking pointedly at The Carnivorous Muffin and the reviews surrounding them, waiting for the next review addressed to Lily herself.

"Right," The Carnivorous Muffin says as they slip a review out of an envelope, "This is from Talisa-chan, 'If you met your future self who travelled back in time to murder someone, and then in turn travel back in time and kill that person to avoid creating a paradox, telling your past self in the process… could you be held responsible?"

"… Yes, but I wouldn't feel bad about it." Lily said.

The Carnivorous Muffin blinks, "I think you missed the point of that question."

"Oh, is this one of those utilitarian questions again?" Lily asked, "Because apparently I'm not very good at answering those."

"Not necessarily… But I suppose it is, if you want to look at it that way, although it's a little more complicated than the usual fat man and the trolley scenario." The Carnivorous Muffin concedes, given that this is the standard utilitarian dilemma.

"Well, if I have to do it then I have to do it… And really, they shouldn't have provoked my wrath in the first place. If I have to go back in time to kill them, the first time I mean, then it must be pretty damn bad. Is it Dumbledore?"

"No, it's hypothetical," The Carnivorous Muffin says.

"I bet it's Dumbledore… I could see that being necessary."

"No, it's necessary because you force it to be necessary, because of the paradox, it could be anyone. It could be Lenin," The Carnivorous Muffin explains with a sigh.

"Why the hell would I kill Lenin?" Lily asks.

"Because your future-self came back to kill Lenin and told you about it," The Carnivorous Muffin starts and seeing Lily's confused expression, brings out a pad of paper, and begins to sketch a graph and explain, "Alright, so there's two Lilys. One is from the future and one is you in the present. Future Lily comes back and tells you, present Lily, that she has travelled to the past in order to kill x preson. It can be anyone, it doesn't matter who. You, later, then travel back, as your future-self, to come back to the past and kill x person telling yourself that you're going to do it. You do it, in other words, because you told yourself you must. There's no other reason."

"Then obviously I had to do it," Lily says, "So there's no point feeling bad about it."

"Angst is beneath you, isn't it?" The Carnovirous Muffin asks.

"What are you talking about? I routinely question the pointlessness of my existence." Lily asks, of course referring to the classical definition of angst, rather than the popular definition that The Carnivorous Muffin had been referring to.

"Right, well, you know I also asked Hermione this," The Carnivorous Muffin says.

"Oh, well, what did she say?" Lily asks.

"She said… Well, she considered it a lot longer, and then she ultimately decided yes. Because even though it's an absurd situation, where perhaps you should not be at fault, she refused to live in a world where murder could be justified in such a manner."

"So, we agree," Lily said.

"I imagine she'd feel bad about it though," The Carnivorous Muffin points out.

"Well, that's on her, but still, responsibility is responsibility." Lily says with a shrug, "Anything else, oh great author of mine?"

The Carnivorous Muffin grimaces, not entirely pleased by Lily's casual response, and then grins as they take out the next and final question to Lily, which will surely cause more panic, "This is our last question and is from pixelherodev, 'How do you feel about Rabbit's crush on you?"

Predictably, Lily's eyes widen, she shrinks back into her arm chair, and out comes the obligatory, loud, and incomprensible, "Glehhhhhhhhh…"

And The Carnivorous Muffin only smiles smugly as Lily tears at her own hair and continues making strange incomprehensible noises as she tries to correlate the ideas of 'Rabbit', 'crush', and 'on Lily' in her head.

"And with that, we'll cut to our commercial break!"

"Why do you ask me these terrible things?!" Lily cries out but the screen is already fading to black, the audience already cheering, and Lily's chance for answering such questions long gone.

* * *

Now Presenting, Harry Potter, The Terminator Style

By The Carnivorous Muffin

Starring:

Lily Evans, The Reluctant Sarah Connor

Harry Potter, John Connor Only with Ten Times More Temporal Pardoxes

The Horcrux inside Harry's Head, The Reprogrammed Terminator

Riddlenet, Skynet

James Potter, The One Who Wants to be Kyle Reese

Voldemort, The Stupid Bastard Who Kills Us All

When James Potter first met Lily Evans, it was on platform nine and three quarters at Kings Cross, when he was eleven years old, September 1970.

And the first thing he thought, when he glimpsed her out of the corner of his eye and at the edge of his glasses, was that she was probably the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. Not that James had seen too many girls, or ever been all that interested in them, still there was something about the shade of red in her hair, the way it curled just so at the ends, the freckles on her skin, and as he turned to get a better look the striking and almost magical green of her eyes.

She was standing there, but she wasn't looking him, or at the Hogwarts Express for that matter, instead she was standing there staring up at a dark-haired man who was probably her father or… Maybe her older brother. Although, it wasn't that he looked old enough to be her father or young enough to be her brother, he had one of those weird faces where you couldn't really guess his age, where he really could be anywhere from twenty to thirty.

Except he didn't look like her, his face was different, perhaps even prettier than hers, more carved at the very least, almost aristocratic looking, and his eyes a pale and sharp blue that was only brought out by the paler cast of his skin and his dark slightly curly hair.

And his second thought, looking at Lily Evans, was that there was something a bit off about her, something he'd missed when just taking in how pretty she was. She must be a muggleborn student, but then, none of the other students were wearing what she was wearing or… It was something in how she stood, the straightness of her back, the tension, her eyes scanning for something every two seconds, and the intensity she stared up at her maybe-father, she was looking at him like she might never see him again.

Except, they were also arguing, it was hushed, maybe not even said aloud, but both of their eyes were burning and there was some disagreement and…

And then they both looked straight at him and suddenly James wasn't all that eager to get to know the red-headed girl anymore.

And frankly, she just got bloody weirder as the years went on. She got into Gryffindor too, was the best in the class, but honestly she never relaxed, and as far as James could tell she had no real friends.

Well, except for maybe Snivellus, maybe, but even they didn't seem that close. In fact, Snivellus seemed right pissed some of the time with her, putting on this betrayed look every once in a while like she'd just shanked him without even a word of warning.

"Why won't you talk to me, Lily?"

They were out on the grounds then, James passing by with Sirius, they probably thought he wasn't close enough to eavesdrop or wouldn't care, and they had their backs to them as they stared out at the lake.

Or at least, she was staring out at the lake, he was looking at her face for a sign of something. Probably some humanity, but you could only expect two things from Lily the ice queen and hell flower, absolute mechanical nothingness or unholy rage, humanity wasn't either of those.

"You just disappeared and your family… and I thought you were dead!"

Lily spared him a dull glance before staring back out over the water, "Sev, if I told you then they'd have that much more reason to kill you."

Snape paled, seemed to shrink in on himself almost, which really wasn't all that uncommon. Of course, he was a proud nerdy Slytherin bastard whenever James and the gang came around, but he was made of fragile stuff, especially around the lovely and terrifying Lily Evans.

Course, she was probably crazy.

She always seemed to be awake, for one thing, always in the common room barely sleeping, practicing things like dueling footwork and even fencing like her life depended on it. And if not that she was reading and studying and getting way better grades than anyone combined, even total nerds like Moony or Snivellus.

She was just way too intense, and she always gave him the weirdest looks, sometimes like she was trying to puzzle him out, dissect him with her unnerving eyes alone, and sometimes she looked almost disappointed by him.

And sometimes she bloody tried to talk to him.

Their second year, after that first summer, she'd come back (covered in bruises too and with an even newer sharper gleam of intensity to her eyes), and she'd sat down next to him Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot.

All of them, the marauders, had looked at each other for a moment before looking back, Sirius giving the obligatory 'she's a bloody nutter' hand signal.

Her eyes flickered to Sirius, probably seeing everything, and he grimaced slightly and offered her an awkward smile, didn't take it back for a moment though.

"So, James… How was your summer?" God it was such an awkward delivery, you'd think she'd never learned how to talk to people, of course she probably hadn't. James never saw her talking with anyone, besides Snape, but he was barely a functioning person either.

"Ah, Evans, right, it was good." James let out a small snicker just at the almost desperate look on her face, "Spent a lot of time with Sirius here. What about you, you hang out a lot with your friends?"

She offered him a tight, painfully thin and unamused, smile, "I guess you could say that."

"Oh, anyone I know?" James asked, "Probably Snivellus, right?"

This prompted snickers from Sirius and then from Peter, Moony just shifted uncomfortably in his seat, eyes flickering to Lily then back to James. Lily's smile disappeared, became replaced by a colder, flat frown.

"You two head to the beach? Or maybe you played a couple rounds of quidditch?" James stopped, slammed his hand down on the table as if he'd just had a brilliant idea, "I know, you two went shopping, didn't you?"

Merlin knew she needed it, she had her Hogwarts uniform, but otherwise her clothes were bland and frankly hopelessly boring, all flat dull camouflage colors almost with lots of pockets.

"Sure, Potter, Sev and I went shopping," she responded dully, and then she gave him that look, that weird piercing disappointed and almost angry look, as if she demanded more from him or at least something else from him. Then, without another word, she threw her hands in the air and stalked away from him and the gang.

And James burst into laughter.

"James, that wasn't… I don't think she has many friends," Remus said, lightly, his eyes still on Evans' back as she made her way to the very end of the table, the seat closest to the door (the same seat she always took at every meal and in every class).

"Oh, bugger off," James said, waving off Moony's concern, "If she was less bloody weird she'd have more bloody friends. That's hardly my problem."

"Still, you could be… nicer," Remus started, and then stopped, flushing.

"Nicer? Why do I have to be nicer? She's a girl for one thing, and she hangs out with Snivellus, that's social suicide right there. It's not my job to be nicer to her."

And it wasn't, and he never wanted it to be, James was perfectly happy with the way things were. And honestly he wasn't that bad, he never went out of his way to speak to her, it was always her who weirdly came up to him at the start of every year with a, "Hey James, how's it hanging my brother?"

Which, really, what did she expect.

Sirius figured she fancied him or something, and James was inclined to agree, except…

Except sometimes, the way she looked at him, James wondered if she didn't loathe him.

Not that this mattered, there were other birds, and other things to worry about too. There was Remus' furry little problem that came around once a month, the rest of them becoming animagi, the rise of Voldemort too for that matter and the tension growing between muggleborns and purebloods, Sirius getting disowned and coming to live with James and practically falling apart… What was Lily Evans compared to all of that?

Of course, he didn't know then what would happen, and that perhaps he should have paid more attention earlier, because if he had then maybe…

Because by his fifth year, 1975, James' world ended.

* * *

May 1997, Severus Snape died without imparting a critical memory to the young and desperate Harry James Potter. In the last stages of the battle of Hogwarts, Harry failed to kill Voldemort and was forced to retreat from the castle.

The war trudged onward, the location of the last horcrux remained unknown, and the beginning of the end occurred when, in desperation, the dark lord Voldemort finished his preparations for another horcrux.

(Coming soon, with interest, to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

The lights come on, The Carnivorous Muffin waits in their chair, and the audience enthusiastically applauds once again. "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" is back on and everyone is more than ready.

Too bad they're not getting an interview this time around.

"Hi everybody, oh it's good to be back again after that very strange trailer," The Carnivorous Muffin says, "That said, we only had a few linger questions for a few different people in the 'Lily' universe so I'm just going to read the responses."

There's a collective groan from the audience.

"Well, come on people, we have places to be and people to see," The Carnivorous Muffin chides, "And really, this is the most efficient way to go about it, so this is what we're doing. End of discussion."

Despite their words there is still some dissatisfied grumbling from the audience but The Carnivorous Muffin insists that they shut up and deal.

The Carnivorous Muffin pulls out the first review, clears their throat, and reads it aloud, "This first one is for Lenin from Sakami, 'What does Lily mean to you? What is her importance to you on a personal level?"

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, whips out another card, and reads the response, "As perhaps to be expected, Lenin responded, with this message written in someone's blood, 'I know where you live'… Needless to say, this didn't answer the question at all, I think he took it too personally."

Wizard Lenin is not one to answer such delicate questions except in the strangest of circumstances, and although the circumstances are strange, this is not the time and place for him to reveal such things to the eager audience.

The Carnivorous Muffin takes up the next review and reads it aloud, "Next is from DeadLuck666, repeating an earlier question, 'Could I name a character 'Rabbit' without any grievances from either of you?"

Rabbit of course, sent no response, but given that this is Rabbit this can probably be taken as a yes or at the very least a sign of indifference. The Carnivorous Muffin's stance on this has already been made.

"Well then, that was anticlimactic, one last question then," The Carnivorous Muffin pulls out a final question, "This one's from pucflek and they wrote, 'I would like to ask Frank the Vampire who takes over at Riddle Inc. when he has vacation, and if it bothers him anymore that he is Frank. I mean, we got to know that even he catches calling himself that, but, does it bother him at all?"

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles as they fish for Frank's answer and read it aloud, "Well, to the first Frank tersely responds, 'I don't get vacations', which I'm sure is very true. To the rest he says, 'I don't see the point in denying it anymore, but yes, it still bothers me, I suppose… but you get used to things after a while, even new names, and I think the man I am today is very different to the man I was then. So maybe a change of name was in order, even if it was to something like Frank."

"And with that we're off to the races once again and back to a break! See you afterwards when we have an interview with none other than everyone's favorite Lily spinoff protagonist, Eru Lee!"

There is much clapping as the screen fades to black.

* * *

Now Presenting, Azrael and Tom Drunkenly Crash a Wedding

Prompted by AJ Grey

By The Carnivorous Muffin

"James… Is that?"

James Potter, sitting next to his new wife, Cecelia Brown, blinked as he took in the sight of none other than his old Muggle Studies professor Tom Riddle standing next to the punch bowl. Only, standing next to him, and James has to blink a few times, is what looks like the emperor of Ubik.

And they were both drunk out of their bloody minds.

"Merlin's balls, I think it is," he said, but that didn't make them go away either, no they just kept drinking punch, and Professor Riddle was looking as grumpy and displeased as ever (he'd never liked James, which, really, he was the only professor who didn't) but next to him the emperor (or whoever Professor Riddle had paid and dressed up like the empeoror) was looking weirdly nostalgic and also uncomfortable as he stared at their surroundings, and straight at James.

"Professor bloody Riddle is crashing my wedding," James said, dumbfounded.

"James, do something," his wife commanded, giving him a rather intense look, but James just threw up his hands.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Get them out of here, that's what I want. I'm not about to have that man at my wedding, or whatever drunkard he decided to dress up as a prank," She hissed, motioning towards the eerily young looking (and he had been eerily young hadn't he) emperor doppelganger.

"You think it's a prank?" James asked, and took a second look, and yes… And Merlin damned it was a good one, James was actually starting to get jealous.

"James! Just go over there and…"

And that was when Lily Evans, beautiful, glorious, untouchable Lily Evans came in out of nowhere, her face bright red, as she slapped Professor Riddle across the face and gave a rather alarmed hand motion to the laughing Martian king.

And James was falling in love all over again… With the wrong woman.

Professor Riddle though didn't seem concerned as he offered Lily a rather wry smile and then grabbed himself another drink, except Lily vanished it straight out of his hands and looked at him with death right in her eye.

And the emperor was now actually bending over himself as he laughed, clutching at the table and slamming his hand down on it repeatedly.

Professor Riddle must have said something dry and witty then, that Lily wasn't at all looking for, because she slapped him across the face again. Then, pinching the bridge of her nose, and sending James a really flustered and awkward look, she shuffled over and said, "James, I'm… I'm so sorry about him, and them, and we're just going to go now I promise and… Uh… Congratulations, to both of you."

"Wait, Lily!" James stood, rose from his seat, but she was already walking at an impressive speed away from him, back to them, looping her arms through theirs and then apparating them out of the reception hall.

James sat back down, took one look at his displeased wife, and then took a long drink of champagne.

* * *

"Ah, the wonderful world of 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds', who knew it would become so popular?" At the words of the musing The Carnivorous Muffin, the show is back, and the audience is applauding just as loudly as ever.

"As you probably remember, we're onto that portion of the show, with none other than our female protagonist, that spin off of Lily, Eru Lee!" The Carnivorous Muffin waves their hand to the other end of the stage where Eru Lee, with her headband gleaming across her forehead, wearing somewhat practical genin wear as she grins and bounds across the stage and into her seat.

"You're eager," The Carnivorous Muffin notes to which Lee nods.

"Personally, this is all very exciting stuff, it's not every day you get to meet god you know." Lee says casually as she adjusts her headband.

"Too true," The Carnivorous Muffin nods in agreement, "So, you ready to have questions posed to you by your maker?"

"Sure, I'm sure it will be very exciting stuff." Lee says but The Carnivorous Muffin is already taking out the first envelope and reading it.

"I'm not going to lie, this will be much shorter than last time, there's only two questions for you today. All the same, the first comes from Crimson Domi, 'What would you think of a version of yourself who stayed in England, eventually making friends with the man in her head and regularly killing herself to go visit her 'uncle', the Shinigami?"

Unlike Lily when considering the might have beens Lee pauses, and truly thinks, closing her eyes even before slowly stating, "I think… I think that I would have regretted staying in England, even without knowing that I could have left, what would have waited for me elsewhere… I can't help but think I'd feel unfulfilled, and that the English Shinobi would make a poor substitute for Minato. So even though the Lee there wouldn't know, couldn't know, what might have been I'd… I'd feel it. I'd know, and I'd feel like a shadow of myself."

"She wouldn't know there's anything to miss?"

"No, she'd know, even without knowing she would know." Lee opens her eyes and inside of them is a certainty that is not to be questioned or doubted, "I would know."

And perhaps there is something to this, that emptiness and loneliness that Lily often feels, perhaps what is missing there is not Wizard Lenin but instead Minato Namikaze of the crossover that never was and never would be.

But Lily does not know this or if she does then she lacks the language to say it.

"Alright then, last question," The Carnivorous Muffin asks only to be interrupted by Lee.

"Already? We're going quickly tonight."

"Well, I'm just the messenger, I only ask what they want me to ask and say what needs to be said." The Carnivorous Muffin states and then almost reverently takes out the last question for Eru Lee, "This is from BananaPie, 'How do you feel about your resurrection jutsu? If someone close to you died, would you bring that person back?"

"Yes," the answer is both instantaneous and alarming.

"Even if they don't wish it?" The Carnivorous Muffin prods further.

"They wouldn't," Lee responds, "And anyways… Yes, I'd bring them back."

"You can't bring back everyone, Lee." The Carnivorous Muffin notes, "That's a very dangerous path you're wandering down."

"It's an irrelevant one too, no one is dead, and my answer won't change," Lee states, "This isn't about consequences, it's just about what has to be, and if Minato dies then I'm bringing him back. Period."

"I imagine you'll adjust that answer, or at least be forced to justify it, soon enough," The Carnivorous Muffin states rather ominously, but by the hardened glint in her eyes Lee's answer will not change anytime soon, which is fair enough.

One can't expect this kind of character development on a talk show after all.

And with that thought, and that lingering questions, the lights all go out and the scene fades into nothingness as the commercials begin to roll once again.

* * *

Now Presenting, Lee in the Clan Wars

Prompted by Quite a Few Different People

By The Carnivorous Muffin

The first time Tobirama met Eru Lee he did not learn her name and he also stabbed her through the heart.

Of course, he hadn't meant to do either. She later told him, that in that moment she appeared out of nothingness, just when he reappeared via hiraishin with his blade aimed for Uchiha Izuna's ribs, that he would have stabbed Izuna and given him a fatal blow, one that would have pushed Madara down a path of madness and despair.

But instead, Tobirama found his blade in someone else's chest, that of a young red headed woman, the design of Konoha inscribed on the headband on her forehead, dressed in the worn battle gear of a shinobi.

Both Tobirama and Izuna stepped back, hands pressed forward to begin flicking through hand seals, the steady thrum of battle still in their blood, even as she stumbled forward and offered Tobirama a blank and disbelieving look.

She looked down at the kunai in her heart and back at him, "You shanked me!"

He blinked, not entirely sure he understood the word right, but she continued, bleeding profusely but strangely unconcerned even as the life bled out of her, "You shanked me! Why did you just shank me?"

Tobirama felt his mouth open and close, then felt his eyes widen as she ripped the kunai out of her chest, blood soaking through the front of her uniform and rushing out of her. In seconds, this woman was going to die.

Tobirama found himself glancing at Izuna, but he seemed just as stunned, distracted, as Tobirama himself was.

But no one else was, elsewhere Hashirama was having one of his toy pretend battles with Madara, Toka locked blades with one of the Uchiha cousins… No one seemed to notice the woman at all.

And who was she?

She had… An unnerving amount of chakra, dwarfing Hashirama's entirely, more than Tobirama could believe could exist in a human being. The red hair could mark her as an Uzumaki, but she didn't look like one, if her hair was dark instead she might even look like an Uchiha, but something about her face, her eyes and nose, were foreign and unplaceable.

"Oh my god, everyone's killing each other…" the woman said, taking in the battle around them with confusion of all things, then she turned to him, "Hey, nidaime, am I in one of those weird hell realities again?"

"I… You've been…" he motioned to her chest, to which she looked down and looked back up, frowning, then placing pressure on it.

"… Oh, it's just a flesh wound."

"A flesh wound, there's a knife in your chest!" Izuna cried out, and then stopped, seeming stunned by his own reaction.

"Was," the woman corrected, "There was a knife in my chest… And honestly, I've had worse, I'll get better."

"You're going to die," Tobirama said, and she spared him a set or raised red eyebrows.

"Well, probably," she admitted, "It won't be the first time though. Not even my first surprise stabbing… Although this is the first time you've stabbed me, I mean, what the hell, I thought we were friends or well… That you vaguely tolerate my daily antics!"

Seeing his complete and utter bafflement she paused, regarded him, and then turned to Izuna. Slowly she began to realize something, "Oh hell, I know this… We haven't met yet, have we?"

She grimaced, suddenly unconcerned by either of them, instead muttering to herself, "Well, Minato's probably going to kill me… But I'm willing to bet that I haven't caused a giant reality altering paradox… Probably."

She then looked down at her wound, at her bloodied hand, "Goddammit!"

She sighed, turned back to Tobirama, spared a glance to Izuna, "Well, gentlemen, it seems I'll have to bid you _adieu_ … Try to pretend this didn't happen, okay?"

And then she disappeared, back to wherever she came, leaving Izuna and Tobirama to stare dumbly at one another, and then in a blink of an eye desperately try to pick up where they'd just left off.

(Strangely enough, in the end, neither Tobirama nor Izuna were critically wounded that day. Apparently, according to Eru Lee, this made all the difference in the world.)

(Coming soon, with enough interest, to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

And the show is back, once again, with a fair amount yet to go before it is done. The Carnivorous Muffin smiles once again, beginning perhaps to wonder how much is left, but none the less addresses the audience, "Well, wasn't that fun? At any rate, we're not out of the Minato woods yet, as we have some questions for the titular character himself, none other than Namikaze Minato!"

Minato walks in, perhaps a bit more uncertainly than Lee and Lily before him, taking time to observe his surroundings and have them observe him, take in the bright gleaming headband, the dark pants, and white shirt, as well as the wooden sandals on his feet as he makes his way across the stage.

"Hello," he offers as he sits, with a quick and rather uncertain smile, "It seems like I was here just yesterday."

"And yet it's been some time," The Carnivorous Muffin offers to which he nods.

"I'll never get comfortable with it though," Minato notes, "Not like Lee, she doesn't blink at all of this…"

"Fourth wall breaking?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks.

"Yes, I suppose we can call it that." Minato agrees with a stiff nod, "So, I guess people have questions then?"

"A few, not too many," The Carnivorous Muffin says with a shrug as they take up the stack of reviews, "I'll admit these are some tricky ones though."

"Should I be concerned?" he asks, and his smile here is a little more daring, a little more humorous as if he expects that he should but does not expect the author to admit it.

"That, my friend, is up to you," The Carnivorous Muffin states, "First is going off of a question asked earlier to Lee by Crimson Domi, 'What would you think about a version of Lee who stayed in England, eventually making friends with the man in her head and regularly killing herself to go visit her 'uncle', the Shinigami?"

Minato, as Lee had before him paused, because truly this concept is worthy of a story in and of itself, where Mianto finds himself a stranger in a strange land, faced with a Lee who is so desperately different from the one he knows and little connection between them. To answer it in a few words is lacking at best.

But, as he is wont to do, Mianto tries anyway, "You mean the Lee that might have been, if she hadn't left. I… I don't know everything about her life then, but, but if all she had was the English Shinobi and the Shinigami… I try not to think about it, you know, the might have beens like that. Because it would have been so easy for that to happen, and I think she'd be so much worse off for it. Because no one would understand her, not really, and I don't know if anyone would try. And I don't like the idea of Lee having no one and nothing… I hope she'd be happy, or try to, Lee always tries to be content with what she has but… But it probably wouldn't occur to her that there'd be more out there if she just looked for it. And I don't think it would occur to that other Minato either, the one who never met her in the first place."

Unspoken is the idea that the other Minato would be perfectly content, or at the very least, would not consider that there was some other road he could have traveled. And that this, more than anything, is more of a sin than anything the Lee who was Lily could have done.

The silence that lingers is heavy.

Clearing their throat The Carnivorous Muffin breaks it, "Well, next question then, this is from pucflek, and it's the last one for you too since the next is more of a scenario than anything else, 'Should you have three wishes, what would they be?"

Minato pauses, considers this, and says slowly, "This isn't one of those wishes thing that I'd come to regret or where I'd be misinterpreted."

"Nope, purely hypothetical," The Carnivorous Muffin says.

"Well then," Mianto says, and he considers it slowly, tasting the wishes in his mind, "World peace is the first, obvious one I think… My family, my parents being alive, I'd like that, of course I'd have to still have met Lee and come to Konoha but I'd like that. Third, well, I'm not sure."

"Nothing else you want?"

"A long life, maybe," Minato says slowly, "Ninja walk on the edge of death, and there are so many orphans, I'd like to be alive for my own kids, someday. But hopefully, with peace, I wouldn't even have to wish for that."

How there could be shinobi in an age of peace is another question entirely, and one Minato doesn't seem willing to address, at least not now. So The Carnivorous leaves it as is, and offers him a wistful smile, "Well, with that, let's take a look at the world without Lee, why don't we?"

And the lights fade, the audience cheers, and the pair disappear as the commercials once more start in.

* * *

Now Presenting: A World Without Lee

Prompted by pucflek who asked for the following:

I would like to know how Konoha, and Minato especially, would go on through life should Lee either disappear for good or, well she can't die so there is just the disappear option really.

By The Carnivorous Muffin

Naruto wasn't stupid.

Sasuke-teme might not believe so, or Sakura either for that matter, but he'd seen signs for a while. He just hadn't been able to put them together properly.

Dad visited the shinobi memorial every day, most of the time without mom or even Naruto, he'd been doing it for as long as Naruto could remember. All mom had to say about it though whenever Naruto had asked was, "Your dad lost someone really important, and she sacrificed a lot for all of us."

He wasn't always alone though when he visited, Kakashi-nii would visit a lot too, as would Ero-jiji, Hatake-jiji, Obito-nii, Rin-nee, and sometimes even Shika's dad. Sometimes Naruto would also go, and he'd look at the names, and try to figure out whose they were looking for.

Eventually Naruto would find it, but not actually on the memorial, but instead in Ero-jiji's books, one of the few ones that weren't for adults or Kakashi-nii and made mom and flustered and angry whenever she saw Naruto with one.

In fact, it was right there on the title page.

"The Melancholy of Eru Lee"

Personally, Naruto had always liked "The Tales of a Gutsy Ninja" better, if only because he was named after the main character, and also because "The Melancholy of Eru Lee" was just a really weird story. Naruto, the Naruto in Ero-jiji's book, wanted world peace and helped princesses and had all sorts of adventures.

Eru Lee's adventures were way more confusing, she had adventures like fictional Naruto, had friends, one of them her best friend of all, but there was this weird gap between her and pretty much everyone else. She tried to understand them, and they her, but it didn't always work out, and sometimes she'd do impossible awesome things that had pretty bad consequences.

She was an alien too, from a country no one had ever heard of, except when she went home she didn't fit in there either.

At the end of it, she learned that she'd caused some sort of time paradox thing, that she was never supposed to be there in the first place, and that in order to preserve all the changes that had happened, to help pave the road to a world without war, she had to sacrifice all of her chakra, her human form and consciousness, to do it.

And that was it, her best friend married someone else, her village was saved, and everyone kind of moved on. Or at least, Naruto thought they did, the book just sort of ended at that point, leaving everything weirdly hanging.

Dad had never read that book to Naruto, mom either, instead it'd just been left on the shelf… Except dad read it for himself all the time, and in the front, it was dedicated to, "My Apprentice Namikaze Minato and the memory of my least favorite student Eru Lee"

Still, it'd been a story then, a weird one too. Naruto had never given it much thought, except that maybe it had to do with the name inscribed on the memorial, Eru Lee.

But he wasn't stupid, and by the time Kakashi-nii, suddenly Kakashi-sensei spelled it out for them, Naruto had already mostly put it together.

"You all fail," Kakashi said, flatly, in a tone Naruto had never heard from him before, and it burned so much even when Naruto was tied to this stupid pole and utterly humiliated by everything.

"What?!" Sasuke cried out and Naruto was right there with him.

"Why on earth should I pass you?" Kakashi asked, "You only ever think of yourselves. The moment this test became about your own status your own career you left your teammates for the wolves. Do you know where you are right now?"

Kakashi moved to look at the memorial, "This is a memorial to the heroes of Konoha, to those who have sacrificed their lives, their very existence, for the happiness and security of this village. And they did it because they believe that Konoha is more than a place where you eat your teammates and comrades alive. For a world where we're more than trash, more than unthinking machines just following rules, but instead someone who will make sure we bring our comrade home."

Kakashi spared them a glance, "Remember, those who break the rules are trash, but those who abandon their friends are worse than trash."

And then he was gone with a final instruction not to feed Naruto lunch.

Except Naruto stared after him, because he remembered, that Kakashi had once had a sister…

They ended up passing, but weirdly enough Naruto's thoughts weren't on that, instead he found himself talking to his father, sitting by himself at the kitchen table with a bottle of sake, staring out at the moon.

"Hey dad," Naruto said, and Namikaze Minato, the yondaime, glanced down at him and offered him a smile.

"Hey, Naruto," he started, "Congratulations again on passing Kakashi's test."

"Yeah, it was really hard," Naruto said before adding with a chagrinned smile, "We almost failed."

His dad just nodded, "Well, Kakashi's a notoriously hard task master, but he has your best interests in mind."

Naruto just nodded, then, looking at his dad asked, "So, dad, Kakashi-nii says you guys took the bell test too?"

For a moment his dad didn't answer, just stared at Naruto as if trying to stare through him, then he nodded slowly, "Yes, and so did Kakashi, Obito, and Rin."

"How did you do?" Naruto asked.

Minato's hand gripped his cup of sake too tightly for a moment, but then, he forced himself to relax, "Surprisingly well, but then, we had the best genin Konoha had ever seen on our team."

"You?" Naruto asked with a grin but his dad had gone perfectly still, almost cold, at the question.

"No," he responded shortly and flatly.

"Oh, well… Who was it then?" Naruto finally asked.

For a moment Naruto thought his dad might just say he didn't want to talk about it, he'd done that before, he'd done it a lot before, but tonight the alcohol seemed to have loosened his tongue because he let out a breath and said, "Lee, of course."

Then it all just seemed to pour out of him, "Jiraiya never stood a chance against Lee, and he had no idea, the poor bastard. No one ever stood a chance against Lee, they never believed it either, especially in the beginning when she was just this out of the blue clanless genin who no one had ever heard of."

He paused, took another drink, and gave Naruto another cutting look, his eyes sharp as knives in the dark, "I wish you had had a chance to meet her, Naruto. She loved you. She would have loved you…"

He smiled then, another drink, "She was going to be your godmother, you know. Mikoto was your mother's choice but even she didn't disagree that Lee deserved it, more than anyone. More Lee would have… If anything had happened to me, or Kushina, Lee would have seen to your future and trampled anyone who stood in her way. And she made it through the war, through England, through everything but then… I never saw it coming, but I think she did, I think she always had deep down."

"We made a bargain, Death and I, my village for my existence… But it ended up somehow being for her existence, and I never asked for that." He stopped suddenly, looked down at his reflection in the cup of sake, then across at Naruto, "Appreciate your friends, Naruto, appreciate every moment you have with them. You never know when they won't come back."

And that night Naruto pulled down the warn copy of "The Melancholy of Eru Lee" once again, and flipped through to that last page…

"And Lee stared down at these twin realities, this wave form on the brink of collapsing, and in one she saw the man she'd always loved as a strange bargaining with a god, and in the other she saw the greatest friend she'd ever had looking at her and the crumbling world around them in horror.

And she realized that a mortal realm could not possibly support both, and more, it would choose the path of war and death because that was its natural state, before she herself had interfered in a world that had never happened.

So, she leaned to whisper in his ear, her hand shaking as she clutched at him one final time, and said, 'Give my regards to the village, and to your son.'

And she released her humanity completely, until, blinking, the world reordered, he found himself staring at nothing, like she had never existed in the first place."

* * *

And the lights return, the show is on once again, and The Carnivorous Muffin exclaims, "Oh my god, people care about 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?' The fanfic I mean, not the book I stole the title from… Wow. Sorry, just I never expected we'd interview anyone for this. I'd assumed everyone forgot it existed."

(This is quite true for the real Carnivorous Muffin as well, as, by review count alone, all of the other stories dwarf that one.)

The Carnivorous Muffin then realizes that they are in the middle of a rant and stops, "Right, welcome back everyone, as I kind of just blurted we're about to have a very special guest. That's right, from my first major Harry Potter fanfiction, we're going to have Tom Riddle from 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?"

The spotlight darts to the edge of the stage where the blonde, rather academic looking, Tom Evans steps out, giving them all a wary stare and a rather stiff smile, strangely reminiscent of Minato's expression as he walks down the stage and into his seat.

"Wow," The Carnivorous Muffin says, "Never expected to see you here."

"Frankly, I never expected to be here," Tom responds lightly, before offering that polite but stiff smile, as if waiting for something.

"Oh, right, well, why don't you introduce yourself given that far fewer people read your story." The Carnivorous Muffin prompts to which Tom's lips lightly twitch upwards in amusement.

"Yes, I can't quite beat out Lily can I?" He asks, before he says, "Alright, as you know my name is Tom Riddle, and I used to be a diary. Harry got me out when he was eight, or rather, Dudley did… There's not much else to say."

There is, but it's all a bit philosophical and surreal, so perhaps it's not best not to get into it.

"Well, I suppose that's good enough, you ready for your questions then?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks.

"As ready as I'll ever be, I'm sure," Tom responds, pale fingers tap-tap-tapping on the arms of his chair.

"Now, these are all actually from the same person, DeadLuck666, who apparently wanted to ask you quite a few questions. At any rate, we'll start with the first one and go from there, 'How do you feel about Ginny Weasley being possessed by your alternate self in the canon of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus', as well as possibly being in love with that universe's version of Harry?"

(The Carnivorous Muffin is starting to get the feeling that everyone just wants to see one giant crossover between every fic they've ever written. The Carnivorous Muffin finds this task ridiculously daunting.)

Tom, for his own parts, takes the question about as well as can be expected, which is to say he looks completely dumbfounded, "You know, I'm not even sure how to address that or if I want to. First, I suppose I'll say, I worry for my alternate self's pedophilic tendencies…. Yes, I think I'll leave it at that."

"It makes sense in context," The Carnivorous Muffin assures to which he just raises pale eyebrows.

"Does it?" he asks, and when The Carnivorous Muffin fails to respond, the laugh track rolls, he merely grimaces.

"Right, well, next, presuming you're aware of all the other universes out here that I've made up…"

"Oh, believe me, I'm very aware," Tom interjects, perhaps meaning this more as an insult than The Carnivorous Muffin takes it.

"At any rate, given that, 'How well are you taking it all in, to know that the existence of alternate universes and parallel universes are in fact a reality (if not entirely pliable and ever changing) and not of science fiction?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks.

"I take it as I take," Tom says rather blithely, "That is to say, I cannot deny reality which does not disappear when I refuse to acknowledge it, therefore I must accept it. No matter how distasteful I find some of these other worlds of yours."

"Not a 'Lily' fan?" The Carnivorous Muffin prompts to which he visibly shudders.

"No, and none of your other stuff either," he responds with a sniff, ignoring The Carnivorous Muffin's growing look.

"Ah, because you're different from the other Tom Riddles, is that it?"

"Aren't I?"

And this is true, but then, all of them are different from each other, sometimes slightly, sometimes vastly. No Tom Riddle, at least in the world of The Carnivorous Muffin, is quite the same as the other. And each is no doubt far too proud of that fact, believing himself somehow superior to his brethren in one way or another.

Tom Evans, it seems, is no different than the rest in that respect.

The Carnivorous Muffin merely smiles and asks the next question, "Alright then, 'What is your take on the Harry Potter original canon, where the diary was placed in the care of Lucius Malfoy for safekeeping, until in a thoughtless act spurned on by a family feud between the House Malfoy and House Weasley, he slipped the diary into eleven-year-old Ginny Weasley's basket, who you would later possess in order to petrify a bunch of muggleborn children and a ghost, only to die at Harry's hand? Are you grateful that this never happened?"

For a moment he only glares but then, slowly, he recites, "If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tick us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? Am I not allowed my thoughtless rage, in that world that might have been, or allowed my only chance at freedom? I can't think of a more pointless tragedy than what you described."

"For you, not for Harry," The Carnivorous Muffin states.

"But it's not my story, is it?" Tom agrees slowly, before breathing out, and through gritted teeth admitting, "Yes, I am… grateful. I am grateful I escaped that fate, nothing more than an obstacle for Harry to stumble over, a tool of Lucius Malfoy's."

But gratitude can be a bitter thing.

"One last question before you go and we interview Harry, 'I have seen that you often go to the same café if not cafés in general, do you enjoy the smell of coffee? Have you ever tried apple tart?"

Finally, a genuine amused smile overtakes his features, "Yes and then no, respectively."

Then he laughs, at the absurdity of such simple questions perhaps, and The Carnivorous Muffin can't help but smile with him even as the lights dim and the scene melts away, the pixels already changing to the latest and greatest product to sell the readers.

* * *

Now Presenting: Lily Evans Looking at All her Hypothetical Children Squeamishly

Prompted by Crimson Domi:

To the appropriate Lily seniors, also known as Lily Potter née Evans: What do you think of each version of your child? Azrael? Lily Riddle? Eru Lee? Arrested Revolution's Harry Potter?

By The Carnivorous Muffin

Lily wanted to say she loved all her children equally, and she did, she just preferred Harry to… Well, the rest of them. Looking over them now, the red heads, the dark haired ones, all of them, she couldn't help but feel like she'd somehow failed each and every one of them.

Like she'd turned them into whatever they were now.

But if she'd raised any of them, her and James, would it have made much of a difference. Some of them, Lily the one who looked like her, they just weren't like normal people. Lily couldn't imagine making much of a difference on her, or on any of them.

They were all somehow out of her reach, untouchable, and perhaps even not really her children.

Because she just couldn't picture it, any of them, and her. There was something wrong about it, worse, relieving that she didn't have to…

That she could so easily abandon them.

… She preferred not to think about it at all.

* * *

"And finally, we're on our last interview of the evening," The Carnivours Muffin announces as the lights and show returns, there is a loud groan from the audience, "Now, now, everyone, there comes a time when the questions just come to an end, and the next isn't really interview worthy."

Someone from the audience asks, "Well, is it Rabbit?"

"No, it's not Rabbit." The Carnivorous Muffin responds rather quickly and in a manner that perhaps is a bit too irate for any good talk show host.

"It's not Dead Last again, is it?" Someone else asks, "You never interview anyone good."

"No, it's not Dead Last either."

There is suspicious murmuring from the audience, finally, a brave soul asks, "Well, who is it?"

"If you must know it's Harry Potter from 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?"

The groaning returns with far more force, "That story! Does anyone even read that story?!"

"Hey, don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger, you all write the questions." The Carnivorus Muffin says but, again, this does nothing to placate them.

"That story hasn't updated in years! And half of it was just Snape and Dumbledore having these weird scheming meetings!"

"Well, people are interested!" The Carnivorous Muffin responds, "Seriously, there are people still interested in that story, even if you're not one of them. At any rate, everyone give a warm welcome to Harry!"

The audience does not give a particularly warm welcome to Harry as he uncertainly walks in, dares to look at the grumbling audience, and then hurries to his seat.

"Thank you, Harry, for coming," The Carnivorous Muffin sighs as he takes his seat.

"It's no trouble," Harry offers politely, "And… And I didn't think I had much of a choice."

"Probably not," The Carnivorous Muffin admits, "I'm afraid, in this story at least, it is the audience who are the gods."

"There's only one question for you though, if it makes you feel better." The Carnivorous Muffin states.

"One… Then why the interview?" Harry asks.

The Carnivorous Muffin says, "Well, because Tom had more than one and it's easier to do it this way. The other questions are… a bit more random, so I figured I'd invite you in."

"Oh, well, alright then, what is it?" Harry says, straightening in his chair and trying to exude the confidence necessary for a situation like this.

"This is also from DeadLuck666, 'What are your thoughts on the fact that you have money of your own in the Wizarding World? Do you know whether or not you will be Lord Potter yet? Have you thought to ask the esteemed goblins of Gringotts whether they have a lineage blood test and whether or not you can take one?"

The Carnivorous Muffin had been offered an out for this question, as Harry didn't in fact know if he could inherit his lordship or not, but didn't see the harm in putting the question here.

"Well… I don't know about that but I know what Tom might say." Harry starts slowly, "It might not be… prudent. If they didn't tell me, then maybe me going out and becoming Lord Potter or getting access to all my vaults is… A dangerous idea. Sometimes it's better to wait, until I'm older, until I'm not in Hogwarts, for that sort of thing. I don't want… I don't want to be a threat, if you understand."

Whether this is Harry or Tom being paranoid is anyone's guess, but then again, the world of "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" is a surprisingly dangerous one, and Harry's enemies and reluctant allies are not to be underestimated.

"I guess while we're here and on the subject of money, do you want to hear DeadLuck666's goblin question?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks Harry with a twinkle in their eyes.

"Uh, sure, I guess so," Harry says.

"Well, DeadLuck666 asked, 'May your enemies blood spill by your blade, and may your riches increase for both you and your allies; why do you (if you do not) offer a blood test to determine whether or not someone is capable of reclaiming old family vaults who have otherwise died out to mundanebournes or young magi in gerneral? Unless you automatically seize all financial estates of the deceased magi and his or her enter line when no obvious other blood member is actively alive, wouldn't it be more profitable to see whether or not there are in fact distant if not previously unknown family members or heirs who would be able to run the vaults flow usage again? You know bank fees and investments?"

"Oh, well, what was their answer?" Harry asks uncertainly.

"They state that it is bank policy to seize assets of wizards whose lines have been declared dead and whose heirs are all either in prison or dead and that any belief otherwise is that of fan fiction." The Carnivorous Muffin says, perhaps ignoring the fact that this is all head canon, and of course that The Carnivorous Muffin doesn't know the answer more than anything else.

"Oh, well, I guess that's why they wouldn't want me coming back for my stuff," Harry says slowly.

"Naturally, plus it seems reasonable that ridiculously old lines with no heirs would lose all their money. Otherwise it just sort of screams deus ex machina." The Carnivorous Muffin states, and firmly believes, as it's always a little too convenient when the main character suddenly has access to two or three previously sealed vaults.

"And that's all for now!" The Carnivorous Muffin cries out, "With that, we have our commercials, and then our final questions of the chapter!"

* * *

Now Presenting, The Avengers and "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" crossover

Prompted by Everyone Ever

By The Carnivorous Muffin

Starring:

Lily, God/The Mutant that Doesn't Exist in MCU/Thanos' Prospective Love Muffin

Wizard Lenin, Butt Monkey/Antihero/Villain/Guy Giving Loki a Run for his Money

Loki Laufeyson, Loki/Out of his League/Villain/Daddy Issues

Steve Rogers, Captain America/Profoundly Disturbed Morality Chain/Hero

Bruce Banner, The Hulk/The Angry One/Sir Smash-a-lot/Green Rage

Tony Stark, Iron Man/Snarkatron 3000/The Sassy Nerd

Natasha, Black Widow/Obligatory Female Member/The Other Ginger

Clint, Hawkeye/The Other Butt Monkey/He Who Gets Concussed

Thor Odinson, Thor/The Other Sir Smash-a-lot/That Guy Who has to Deal with Loki

Nick Fury, Samuel L. Jackson/That Guy Tired of Snakes on Planes/That Guy who Brings Vengeance Down Upon Thee/The Fast and the Furious

Thanos, Likes to Sit in Chairs/Purple Guy/Likes Rocks/The One who Wants to Date Lily

Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier/Captain Steve's Brainwashed Buddy/The Terminator/Sisyphus

All the Other People that I'm too Tired to Mention

It seemed reasonable, to both Lily and Wizard Lenin, that on being trapped in some other reality with seemingly no way to get back to England, the best thing to do would be to join some super-secret research organization that was studying just that.

Well, not the getting back to England part, but certainly the visiting other worlds.

Except, Lily, apparently, wasn't going to be a part of it.

"They would see right through you, Lily," Wizard Lenin spat as he put together his forged documents, those that labeled him as Tom Riddle, astrophysicist, and new member of S.H.I.E.L.D. who was going to be working with a Dr. Erik Selvig on some top secret project.

"What, am I not scientisty?" Lily asked, motioning to herself, to which she received a withering glare from Wizard Lenin. Which, fine, she was a bit too young for the role, and maybe he did have a point in that he played people far better than she did, but dammit what was she supposed to do all day?

"You could always go back to school," Wizard Lenin chided.

"Are you serious?" Lily asked, "Why don't I just open up some wormhole and…"

"No, first, that sounds extremely unstable and dangerous," Wizard Lenin stated sharply, "And second, we tried that already and ended up in that nuclear wasteland or wherever the hell we were."

"… That probably wouldn't happen twice," Lily said and then sighed, "Well, fine, enjoy your science while I sit here and watch television."

"Good, do that, and don't do anything else. The last thing I'd want is attention on a global scale."

"Hey, I've avoided those Octopus Nazis pretty well so far, haven't I?" Lily asked, "And the metal arm guy they kept sending for a while… Actually, isn't he due back by now? I swear, that guy just keeps coming."

"Yes, Lily, and I imagine he'll keep coming until you finally do die!" Wizard Lenin snapped, finally he sighed, and stated, "Just keep out of trouble, Lily, this once."

"Right, will do," Lily said, but Wizard Lenin didn't even say goodbye, he just stomped out the door without looking behind him. Which was probably well enough because comrade metal arm took that opportunity to show back up through her window, looking just as in need of a shave and a haircut as always.

And Lily just sighed and took that as her cue to dash out of the room and try to find some other place to live that this guy couldn't somehow track down. Which, really, considering she'd faked her death twice already (actually had died a few times), you think he would have given up after one of those.

Of course, leave it to Wizard Lenin to somehow manage to get brainwashed by Space Vikings when she wasn't looking.

* * *

"My liege," the man, one Tom Riddle, whose eyes now shone a bright and drugged blue by the power of the staff and the tesseract stared up from his bow at Loki with the deference befitting a future slave.

The man, judging from the first few moments that Loki had seen him that lab, had once been proud. Even now there was a stiffness to his bow that was not present in the others.

Loki offered him a cutting subject, "Yes?"

"I suggest…" the man paused, straightened, and stared Loki straight in the eye, "I suggest you reconsider your strategy, sir."

"And who are you, Tom of Riddle, to question my strategies?"

The man did not even flinch at the menacing aura of Loki's staff, instead his eyebrows lowered, and a grimace crossed his face, "You will lose, my liege, you have miscalculated gravely and I fear there is very little that can save you now. You must go to Lily, negotiate, beg forgiveness, and she might spare you."

"Lily?" Loki asked, "And who exactly is this Lily?"

"She is my…" he paused, stopped, and started again, "My liege, she is a god, a true god."

"And am I not a true god?" Loki asked, this time going so far as to press his staff against the man's neck, one twitch would draw blood.

"No, my liege, not like her," the man said, "She is a destroyer of worlds, of realities, and if she finds out what you've done, that you have stolen my mind and reduced me to a puppet, there is nothing in any world that can stop her from tearing everything from you, including your glorious invasion."

"One would think you resent your status," Loki mused, which was interesting, none were so confrontational. Of course, they all knew their place, but they did not resent it, and even this man did not resent it, but rather stated it as a stark fact.

That he was slave to Loki's whims, to the infinity stones.

"No, my liege, but she will," the man practically spat, "You still have a chance…"

"If I return you to your prior state of mind and deliver you back?" Loki asked, and the man paused, and slowly shook his head.

"No, because then I would come back with a vengeance, I would convince her to destroy you. I would… Forgive me, my liege, but I would never forgive what you had done to me."

"Then it seems we are at an impasse," Loki stated, "Regardless, I don't believe you, there are no great powers here… Well, there is my adopted brother I suppose, but your Lily, Tom, even the Avengers haven't noticed her. So, why should I?"

(Coming, with enough interest, to an internet browser near you.)

* * *

And one last time, the bright lights of the stage appear, the audience cheers, and there is The Carnivorous Muffin in the center of it all.

"And here we are, my friends, at the end of our line," The Carnivorous Muffin says fondly before stating, "This one seemed longer than the others, didn't it?"

The Carnivorous Muffin sighs, chuckles slightly, and says as they pick up the first review, "Well, we'd best start addressing those last questions. This is from Crimson Domi, to Delphi Riddle, 'What do you think of your father, Lord Voldemort, now that you've met him? What do you think of Harry?"

(This, The Carnivorous Muffin thinks, is a thinly veiled request that she get back to writing "Arrested Revolution" already.)

The Carnivorous Muffin does not say this, but instead flips through the pile of questions to find Delphi's response, "And Delphi says, 'My father, of course, is glorious. As glorious as mother always said he was… And Harry is a brazen upstart that he should have disposed of years ago."

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses at the laughter of the audience, before adding in their own, "The thing is, I'm sure the dark lord agrees with her full heartedly."

The laughter swells then dies, The Carnivorous Muffin shaking their head as they ask the next question, "This is also from Crimson Domi, by the way, they sent a piece of chocolate to The One Ring from 'The Wasteland' and asked, 'Do you like this?"

This, being of course, that strange crossover of "Lord of the Rings" and "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" which people are still waiting patiently to update.

"The Ring said, in response, being a reasonable person, '… do you have any more of it?"

Because there is no man or god who would deny the glory that is chocolate. Not even a fictional one who used to be a golden ring.

"Next, from Arashi – IV of VI, 'If I may direct a question to Sebastian from 'An Errant Thought'? Assuming you are aware of the worlds The Carnivorous Muffin has worked on sicne writing about you, what are your thoughts on said worlds? For example, do you have an opinion on Lily from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'?"

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses to consider this, "Well, to be honest, this is half of why I got around to writing some of a Black Butler crossover, as it's hard to have a short response do justice to this. But either way, here's Sebastian's response, 'Of course, I find her utterly delightful as well as the hundreds of other worlds you have created."

Sebastian, being something of an unnerving Stepford smiler who keeps his thoughts close to his chest, doesn't come off particularly chatty in letters. He is always… unnervingly polite, even in the most tense and dire of situations, which this of course is not.

No doubt, Sebastian's thoughts of Lily, of the other worlds, are far too complicated to put here. But perhaps he stares at them, and wonders at all the possibility, and feels a slight easing of the crushing ennui that no doubt grips his soul.

How long has it been since one such as him has seen possibility?

"Finally, our last question, going way back into the day, into the fic I was sure everyone had stopped reading. This is from A to Naomi Misora from 'All You Need is Love', 'What exactly do you think happened to Raye, in his time spent with Misa, to make him so unresponsive."

For those unaware, "All You Need is Love" is the giant fic where The Carnivorous Muffin decided that writing a Death Note sitcom was a great idea. Towards the end Raye gets kidnapped by Misa in order to get Light to stop crashing at Naomi's apartment. There's a bunch of other things that happen but it's a bit much to summarize, or even read, to be honest.

"And Naomi's response?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks, "She says simply, 'Terrible things, awful terrible things that don't bear repeating, I'm sure… I don't know what Light gets up to in his spare time, I'm not going to start wondering what Misa does with hers."

"And with that we are out of questions and out of time, thanks everyone so much for stopping in, and I'll see you next time on 'The Wonderful World of Fanfiction!"

The audience applauds loudly, The Carnivorous Muffin stands and waves goodbye, and the lights fade out for the last time.

* * *

All DeadLuck666's Questions Not Appearing in this Chapter (Because The Carnivorous Muffin Never Played Final Fantasy VII):

And a really super special question for General Sephiroth from "Final Fantasy VII," game:

I know it must have been pretty traumatic to realise that your awesomeness was actually the results of humans tampering with things they best not, but was trying to destroy all of Gia really necessary?

What are your thoughts on Cloud Strife?

Do you often participate in Chocobo Racing bets and/or betting pools?

Do you ever wish you had a left wing in addition to your right?

Did you have any control over your atrocious actions in the plot of ff7? If you could change any part of your past would you change it for better or worse?

Did you ever realise that Vincent Valentine was probably your real father?

How do feel about your rather large fan base and the song often used in your presence "One Winged Angle"?

To Cloud Strife (same series):

What are your thoughts on the fact that many fans of Final Fantasy 7 (including me) like Sephiroth more than you?

To Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz (my three favorite brothers) from the same ff7 series though featured more in the ff7 movie:

Did you ever realized that one of you would essentially die in order to resurrect Sephiroth?

If you had would you have still gone ahead and done it anyway?

What are your thoughts on Cloud Strife?

Do you often participate in Chocobo Racing bets and/or betting pools?

Do you ever wish that you had wing(s) like Sephiroth?

And finally an enlightening statement to all four silverettes:

"Mother never did love you; she only had you around as a means to completing her own agenda. You were nothing but tools in human guise to serve as Jenova's dogs of devastation."

Prompt for my dear Carnivorous Muffin: A reenactment of the scene in Star War: Episode VI, in which Darth Vader proclaims to be Luke's father, but instead Vincent Valentine plays the roll of Darth Vader and Sephiroth as Luke Skywalker.

* * *

Starring:

The Carnivorous Muffin as The Written Representation of The Carnivorous Muffin

Lily as The Pop Culture Reference Machine

Wizard Lenin as Lily's Straight Man Once Again

Sebastian Michaelis as That Guy People Apparently Want in a "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" Crossover

Ciel Phantomhive as Sir Barely Appearing in this Chapter

Anna Jones as The One Who Gets Covered in Blood

Light Yagami from "God of the Machine" as The One Who Gets His Brains Blown Out

Soichiro Yagami from "God of the Machine" as He Who Cannot Even

James Potter as The One Who Never Knows What's Going On

Lily Evans as Sarah Connor and Reluctant Wedding Crasher

Tom Riddle from "October" as The Wedding Crasher

Azrael as The Other Wedding Crasher

Eru Lee as Haruhi Suzumiya

Senju Tobirama as He Who Surprisingly Does Not Shank Uchiha Izuna

Namikaze Minato as The Sad Panda

Tom Riddle from "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" as He Apparently Still Exists

Harry Potter from "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" as He Also Apparently Still Exists

Bucky Barnes as That Guy Who Will Never Manage to Kill Lily and Who Lily Will Probably Offer Pity Therapy

Loki as That Guy Who Does Not Realize that Lily Space Whales

The One Ring from "The Wasteland" as I Should Really Get Back to What He's Been Up To

Naomi Misora from "All You Need is Love" as Surprise Cameo

Delphi Riddle as Probably Realizing She Made a Huge Mistake

* * *

 **Author's Note: I've come to learn that the more "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" crossovers there are the happier everyone apparently is... I don't question this. Or the length of this chapter.**

 **Thanks to readers and reviewers, as you know, the existence of this thing literally hinges on your reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the things I usually don't own.**


	5. Episode Four: American God

Today's chapter of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" is brought to you by "The Simpsons", specifically those glorious early episodes, and not those terrible later episodes that make me want to cry.

* * *

"I'm telling you man, this is bullshit, bullshit I say, Lenin!"

Naturally, Lily and Wizard Lenin (now restored to his proper height and pseudo communist glory) are meandering backstage of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" paying no mind to their fellow characters, stepping over the dying carcass of Harry Potter from "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" who has been abandoned for multiple years now.

"I mean, first, that 'My Immortal' thing, which… I have to say, that Steinbeck reference was nicely played, give The Carnivorous Muffin credit where credit is due that was… that was admirably done," Lily trails off, referring, of course, to the most recent chapter of "My Immortal Lily and the Art of Bringing Me to Life" where, as per "Of Mice and Men", the brain damaged goffick Wizard Lenin was shot in the head in mercy.

"I disagree, I found it to be in very poor taste," Wizard Lenin cut in.

"You're only saying that because you got your brains blown all over Hot Topic," Lily scoffed, dismissing this with an easy wave of her hand.

"No, I'm saying it, because I became a Satanist, in what world, would I, ever, become a Satanist?"

"Well," Lily starts, "That's the fear of it, it can get anyone, even you, even Death, who knows, maybe even me! No one is safe in that universe, very exciting stuff which is… Kind of surprising," Lily finishes somewhat lamely as she stares off into the distance, trying to compute this fact, but then interrupts her own thoughts, "But anyways, the point being, that happened first, and it is mostly terrible."

"An insult to all of our existences," Wizard Lenin duly corrects.

"Right, an insult to all our existences," Lily nods vigorously before continuing, "But then… An eight chapter 'Fate/Zero' crossover, which in itself, fine, 'Fate/Zero' is great, they back stab almost as much as 'I, Claudius', but the threesome and or love triangle and or older me having sex with Gilgamesh on a couch in a karaoke bar with Tom Jones' 'What's New Pussycat?' playing in the background? Well, shenanigans I say… Something has to be done."

"And what, Lily, exactly, do you think we should do?" Wizard Lenin asks, stopping in his tracks, right in front of the odd Steins;Gate character or two that shows up every once in a while in a one-shot that no one reads. Which, is perhaps, quite worthy, as Wizard Lenin is embarking on existential rant the kind Okabe Rintarou would only dream of making.

"What great power do you imagine we have here?" he asks, motioning to their surroundings then to themselves, "We are fictional characters, Lily, we do not exist! Right now, our entire conversation, this pointless bickering, it's all just word vomit coming out of that divine muffin's swiftly typing fingers."

He barks out a laugh, "The only reason you and I are even capable of questioning our own existence is because The Carnivorous Muffin has said that we must! That, Lily, is the great and undeniable bullshit that is our reality!"

Lily stares, eyes large and green and unblinking, then says, "You're still not over that, are you?"

The answer, as anyone can imagine, does not need to be provided.

* * *

The Carnivorous Muffin, for once, does not offer an opening line to the show, rather they stare at their audience in a sort of bleary eyed amazement as if seeing them for the first time. None the less, even as she continues to sit, the audience claps and cheers and the written representation of The Carnivorous Muffin just watches with amazed raised eyebrows.

"… How are we still doing this?" The Carnivorous Muffin asks, much to the laugh track guffaws of the audience but she raises a hand to protest this, "No, seriously, how is this… You do realize what you're reading don't you? This is a Q&A fic, those things are garbage. I have never, never in my life read a good one and yet… This has over a hundred reviews. I mean, I hate to say this, but I'm starting to think I could write a story about paint drying and it could get requests for more chapters."

The audience, on cue, laughs heartily at The Carnivorous Muffin's look of utter astonishment, which is of course, treated here as a joke (which, then again, perhaps it is, because The Carnivorous Muffin writing this written version finds it somewhat hilarious).

"Alright, well, there are questions to be heard, lots of interviews to be had, and I've been told that apparently, this chapter will even have a plot. Which… I frankly, didn't think was possible," The Carnivorous Muffin sighs, "But at any rate there's a few questions directed to me before we start things out."

"First, this is from regular watcher, er, reader, of 'The Wonderful World of Fanfiction', AlleyKat2014, they ask, 'As for my questions for Wonderful World of Fanfiction, first I'd like to ask when you started doing side fics for the every one hundred reviews thing."

The Carnivorous Muffin sets aside the white envelope containing the review and smiles at the camera, "That one's actually fairly easy to figure out, if you look back to the first 100th review fic it was right in the middle of 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?' and before 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' became overwhelmingly popular. See, that was back in the day when I'd be doing six, at most, per story… That idea turned out to be patently false… Either way, it was after 'All You Need is Love' was abandoned for all its worth and I declared there was no way in hell I was digging through 600 reviews to find out who were the x00th reviewers there."

And it was, "All You Need is Love", abandoned with reckless abandon. But then again, over the years, no one has really protested at its being tossed to the curb for bigger, brighter, Harry Potter fandom centric things.

Now we'll never find out what happened to Raye after he got kidnapped by Misa.

Regardless of this sad truth, The Carnivorous Muffin opens the next envelope and begins to read, "Next, from regular reader pixelherodev, who asks, 'In your opinion, is the author of My Immortal a troll or just a really shitty excuse for a human being? Oh, and don't forget the third option – both! I ask The Carnivorous Muffin because – well, first off, you're real, and second off, your willingness to write such a crossover disturbs me."

(This is a valid opinion, The Carnivorous Muffin's willingness to write that crossover disturbs The Carnivorous Muffin as well, but then, she just can't resist.)

The Carnivorous Muffin considers this for a moment, then with a confidence that perhaps should be disturbing, declares, "Oh, she's such a troll, you could not fake that kind of brilliance. I have seen bad writing, I have seen bad writing that people think is fantastic, now what separates My Immortal from your average bad writing is that its badness is taken to a level I have never seen. The misspelled words are used to hilarious effect, as are the renaming of all the characters, including odd things like not renaming Satanist Hagrid to something else. Reading it, I think that I would be very hard pressed to come up with anything like it, more that if anyone was trying to even slightly not be awful, no matter how talentless of a hack they are, they would never come up with that.

Now, I'm one of those odd people who finds 'My Immortal' to be completely and utterly hilarious, and, in my opinion, masterfully done. So, I imagine other readers have a different view, but look at it again, and go a little further to when Tom Rid/Bombadil/Satan shows up working in Hot Topic, and tell me it isn't ridiculously funny.

As for me doing a crossover, well, when one has the chance to quote Steinbeck, reference 'The Shining' (has not occurred yet), as well as Nabokov's 'Invitation to a Beheading' (also has not yet occurred) along with goffism and Satanism… How could I not take that opportunity and run with it?"

(What is perhaps more concerning, to the casual reader as well as The Carnivorous Muffin herself as she diligently types, is how the hell she manages to string all of those very disparate things together into a single narrative, along with 'My Immortal', and why she thought this was a brilliant idea.

Sometimes, The Carnivorous Muffin really wonders about herself and her imagination.)

"Anyways," The Carnivorous Muffin sets down the review and picks up the next one, opening and reading, "This is from another regular reader… You're all regular readers, but then, who else would review on this thing, Relent1ess who asks… Many things, well, first, 'What is your favorite character that you created?"

"Oh, that one is… harder than you might think," The Carnivorous Muffin responds, and thinks deeply for a moment or two, "Well, the answer is Lily, which might seem obvious, but Wizard Lenin himself is very near and dear to my heart as a character. I really like all of them, cliché as it is, but Lily is the one who is well, one of the more original (i.e. not really taken from fanfiction) as well as one of the more complicated ones. And everyone else seems to like her, so hey."

The audience laughs and The Carnivorous Muffin waves this off with a grumble, "Right, next, 'I feel that when I read your thoughts on your stories and characters that you sometimes are surprised by the characters' popularity or even the stories' popularity. Which I find to be wonderfully humble of you, but if you picked a character(s) or story that you are surprised that we enjoy very much, which one to you is the most surprisingly popular?"

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles and answers quite quickly, "Well, both of those are actually easy, for a character, Frank and Rabbit. Frank because he's this odd side character who barely shows up, yet people love him, he has a ton of side fics dedicated to him because of his popularity with the readers. I think half the audience is still waiting for the day Lily finally gets expelled so she can just go hang out with poor whipped Frank. I mean, I like Frank but… yes, not really there too often.

Rabbit, well, not so much now that he does things, in side fics at least, and is horrifyingly creepy. But in the main fic, for the first… ten chapters of his appearance where he did absolutely nothing, ever. His popularity there was a bit… odd to me. I mean, I like him, but we'll be honest and remember that he sat around and did nothing."

Someone from the audience diligently raises a sign that reads, "RabbitxLily, forever!"

Because yes, there are RabbitxLily shippers among you.

"As for stories, well, 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus', easily. First, it's a very weird story, and it had the worst summary in the world for about… thirty chapters or something, maybe thirty-eight. I would have taken one look at that summary, barked out a laugh, and gone somewhere else. And yet, within maybe ten chapters, it was easily dwarfing 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?' (which I had thought pretty damn popular at the time) in both review count and favorites. I still wonder what compelled so many people to read it in the first place, and even then, I know it does not appeal to everyone, it is… not written to appeal to a general audience, and I know it, yet, here we are," The Carnivorous Muffin wraps this up with that, putting the review away, and reaching without a word for the next one.

"Next, from reviewer, SuperPotterWhoLock110, 'Do you think you'll ever do a crossover with either Lily or Lee in Katekyo Hitman Reborn!?" The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, then says, "Well, as of now, no, I've never seen that show, and unlike Naruto, I don't know enough about it to even bluff. So, it's very, very, very unlikely."

For viewer information, The Carnivorous Muffin has also not seen Bleach or One Piece, so these crossovers are also very, very, very unlikely to happen.

"And we have a review from scelestic," The Carnivorous Muffin says as they whip open another review, "There's a bit of a lengthy prologue here from 'What About Lily?' which is a bit too long to quote here, suffice to say it's where Wizard Lenin and Lily discuss utilitarianism and the hypothetical murder of a Voldemort type persona, see the review if you're more interested or the original fic, at any rate scelestic asks, 'If Lily was sent to the past and had a chance to stop Voldemort from ever existing by killing Tom Riddle, would she still answer this question this way? Or is there perhaps some deeper meaning to her answer that I'm missing? Or is this perhaps somehow connected to the Lily Riddle plot and you can't answer?"

The Carnivorous Muffin considers this carefully then says, "Well, what Lily does now may be greatly different from what she chooses to do later, that's what character development is after all, so I'll only answer based off the Lily we have currently. First, Lily would never consider killing Tom Riddle, or at least the original one in the past, because that would destroy Lenin. And ultimately, Lily cares far less for the sanctity of human life than Lenin's existence. However, when given a question like that, Lily's not really thinking of Tom Riddle, even though the connection is obvious. She divorces Wizard Lenin from Voldemort in her head, which is perhaps fair and perhaps not, and as a result, getting rid of Hindenburg is an entirely different thing from getting rid of Tom Riddle or Lenin for that matter. Her answer would still be the same, because she would subconsciously pass over that nuance of sacrifice that is so inherent to that question. More, at this point, Lily has come to the realization that Voldemort does not hesitate and is a great danger, and he cannot be dissuaded. Large, lethal, solutions, are perhaps the only way to deal with him… Except for the pesky fact that he's as immortal as she is, or at least, as she allows him to be due to Lenin, and thus, Lily is trapped in an infinite decision game with a dark lord.

So, I guess the answer is one of those annoying, yes and nos."

But that's how things usually roll in the Lily universe. The audience, dutifully, laughs at this last bad joke as The Carnivorous Muffin pauses and moves on to the next review.

"Alright, next, from Ambiguity in D Major, 'Is there a reason that Lily never does any voluntary dimensional travel?"

"Yes, she's not in a good place to do it," The Carnivorous Muffin responds, before pausing and explaining, "Usually it boils down to Lenin, either he's not there, or he's there and very much wants to get to England. As a result, until Lenin himself is willing to abandon England, or Lily loses faith in him, to England they will always want to return."

"Next, I wasn't really sure if this was a question but there were question marks in there, this is from Orbin," The Carnivorous Muffin reads, "The premise is that the author is only 23 years old may not be believable to the reader. The many varied references to events real and fictional, recent and antiquated, demonstrates knowledge far beyond so few years. How do you reconcile that? Time travel?"

The Carnivorous Muffin looks sheepish for a moment, then says, "Well, when you put it like that… I'm something of a cinephile, I've seen a lot of movies, a lot of old movies that no one else my age seems to have watched. I also read a lot of books and for whatever reason have an impeccable memory for that sort of thing as well as history. Regardless though, with that lame explanation, I really am twenty-three."

The Carnivorous Muffin then shrugs, takes up the final envelope, "Alright people, last question, this is from Kain Vixenheim, 'Have you ever heard of NightVale, because LatAoBS reminds me of it… a lot."

The Carnivorous Muffin frowns, then says, "Heard of it, never listened to it, all unintentional references are purely coincidental."

"Now with that we're off too… Oh, for the love of Christ, no, I am, I am not going to dance…" The lights flash, the music plays, clearly indicating The Carnivorous Muffin should dance before going to break, "Is now the time for dancing?!"

"No… No… No… I…" The Carnivorous Muffin stands, waving their arms, and, staring dumbfounded at her own audience, and begins quoting a film that very few readers are likely to recognize, as the written representation of The Carnivorous Muffin, suffers a televised nervous breakdown, "I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it.

We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad – worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore.

We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.'"

The Carnivorous Muffin stops, the room is perfectly silent, the audience members, eyes wide as they stare at this avatar of the author in question.

"Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot – I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad."

The Carnivorous Muffin wanders towards the front of the stage, a wild gleam in their eyes, "You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!"

The Carnivorous Muffin motions the audience up onto their feet, "So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell 'I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

The Carnivorous Muffin pauses, breathing, waiting for a single member of the audience to stand up, "I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – 'I'm Mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!'"

The audience, written by The Carnivorous Muffin in some other plane, the true The Carnivorous Muffin at that, is unmoving and listless as they stare at the talk show host who keeps quoting, even as their wild eyes take in the lack of response.

"Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out and yell, and say it: 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

The words echo in the dead silence, The Carnivorous Muffin pants, looking in desperation upon this apathetic audience provided to them by their own creator. That indifferent and fickle god we call, The Carnivorous Muffin.

A gun, just like that, is in The Carnivorous Muffin's hand, The Carnivorous Muffin, mad as hell, and not taking anymore, pulls the trigger.

There is a loud bang, a thud, screams, and then a long tone as a sign appears on the screen claiming that technical difficulties have occurred on the set of, "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction."

* * *

"Holy shit!" Lily exclaims, peering onto the stage from behind a curtain, where yes, The Carnivorous Muffin is not only bleeding out, but has already departed for the other side, "God is dead, Lenin."

"Don't quote Nietzsche," Wizard Lenin says with a sigh as he too, peers out, onto the stage with a dull sort of curiosity.

"No, God is literally dead, I think the situation calls for a little Nietzsche," Lily says stiffly before repeating with wide eyes and a paling face, "Holy shit… What are we going to do?"

"Do?" Wizard Lenin asks, "Why are we doing anything? We're done here, the author is dead, show's over…"

"The show can't be over, there are still questions, and at least five reviewers anxiously awaiting their answer…" Lily trails off, then looks at him, and declares, "We need a replacement."

"What, no, no we do…"

Lily cuts him off, "We need a replacement and we need one now… Who do you think will make a good god?"

"I am not promoting one of our peers to godhood," Wizard Lenin practically spits down at his companion but Lily is unmoved.

"No, it'll be fine, we'll do a whole 'American Idol' type scenario, and we can even ask them questions while we're doing it… Only, you know, it'll be 'American God', or something. You can be Simon, I'll be Paula, and then we just need to find a guy that says 'dawg' a lot… Does Gilgamesh fit that requirement?" Lily asks, but this is a bit of a rhetorical question, as mongrel, indeed, is probably the closest that any The Carnivorous Muffin character has gotten to saying "dawg".

"That's the worst idea I've ever heard," Wizard Lenin says.

"Oh, already in character, I like it," Lily says, "Does… I forget, what does Paula do? I mean Simon's the one who's a cultured ass, Randy says dawg, Paula is… positive? Is that it?"

"How should I know? How should you know? That show was in an entirely different country and years beyond our time," Wizard Lenin scoffs but this seems to encourage Lily even more.

"You see, it's already starting, I'm… I'm making references I shouldn't possibly be making! This is bad, Lenin, this is real bad… I'm calling up Gilgamesh, and we're going to get on this, we have got to get this figured out," Lily walks off into the infinite backstage, calling as she does so, "Gilgamesh! Gilgamesh! Your assistance is much required!"

Wizard Lenin stares after her, then looks back to the stage, to the body of his dead god, and he smiles.

* * *

Now Presenting

Anna, Light, and L have just read all "God of the Machine" and related works and are stuck in a room together and Light with all his memories confronting the fact that he dated Anna

Prompted by Midnight's Fire and Guest

By The Carnivorous Muffin

"…Did it just end with me being shot in the head by Matsuda?"

"No, the notebook can't do that, you can't control the lifespan of another person," Light said, but L said nothing, just kept staring into space, eating cheesecake, "Or believe me, L, you would have been dead already."

"What if it just says he shoots, not that he kills?" Anna responded, slowly, "Or, they could have written down everyone else's name, and if Misa's memories are back and she has a notebook or the eyes then…"

"No, no, it couldn't have happened therefore it didn't happen," Light said, "Case closed.

"I was just shot by Matsuda," L repeated dimly, "That's about the worst possible death I ever could have imagined for myself."

"Hey, I'm pretty sure I might have just been shot by Matsuda too, it was unclear…" Anna trailed off, "But you're both forgetting that there's this unseen god character, and that the universe is already pretty jenky, and that they probably forgot about that one rule for the sake of drama."

"No, no that's…" Light trailed off.

L took advantage of Light's silence to repeat once again, "Matsuda, of all the people… Light, you must know, I always thought it would be you, hoped for it really. If I was going to go then I would have preferred to be taken out by someone with some modicum of intelligence. Matsuda, it's like…"

"Being shot in the head?" Anna asked.

"No, I was going to say slapped across the face… Though yours is also quite apt," L said.

"Aren't you concerned that I'm Kira?" Light asked, "Now that you know."

"Well, I'm more concerned that my brains were just blown out by Matsuda," L said, dismissing Light's look of irritation, "And besides, I already knew you were Kira."

"Really?" Light asked, "That whole time, you knew?"

"Of course," L said, "Honestly, you're not very good at hiding it."

"I am very good at hiding it!" Light spat back, "I have hidden it for months right under the nose of everyone!"

For a moment they were all quite silent. And then, Anna asked, "Is anyone else weirdly preferring that bastardized shojo universe where Light never picks up the notebook and I'm his weird wing man?"

"That depends, am I shot there?" L asked.

"No, not as far as I know, in fact, I think you're creepy love interest rival number two," Anna said, "And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I vastly prefer that universe to the normal canon one."

"Well, if I keep my brains inside my head then I'm sold," L said, "And the bonus of Light Yagami's life being ultimately meaningless is just icing on the cake."

"Thank you, Ryuzaki," Light said with a sigh.

"I know I'd rather be Light's hapless romantic love interest and or wingman," Anna said, "Especially if we never actually date."

"You seemed to enjoy it at the time," Light hissed.

"No Light, you seemed to enjoy it at the time," Anna corrected, "If you will recall, I wanted… I wanted no part of those shenanigans."

It spoke miles for Light's own complicity in the scenario of his dating Anna Jones that he didn't say a word, merely glared sullenly, then turned to stare at the wall.

"Cheer up, Light," L said, patting Light on the back and offering him a piece of consolation cheesecake, "You at least didn't get your brains blasted out, which I think more than either of us can say, eh, Anna?"

"Unclear," Anna said, "It was unclear if I had a bullet through my head or not."

"Your support, Ryuzaki, means so much to me," Light said rather blandly, holding onto the plate of cheesecake and not even looking at it.

"And your friendship, Light, your earnest friendship, means that much more to me," L said, "Or it would, if your psychotic girlfriend hadn't just used Matsuda as her puppet to paint our headquarters with chunks of my brain."

"Hey now, Light was not complicit in that at all and you know it," Anna said, "He was very much out of the loop."

"I know, I'm just… so very bitter and disappointed," L motioned to their surroundings, to the bleak desolation of this empty room they found themselves in, trapped as they were between chapters, "Is this, this meaningless end, to be my legacy?"

"No, Near and Mello are your legacy."

L grimaced, "That's far worse."

* * *

The show commences, the audience stands and cheers, there is a noticeable bloodstain on the stage that has yet to be banished into oblivion, and instead of The Carnivorous Muffin waving at them, there is a table, three red cups with Coca-Cola branded on them, Gilgamesh king of Uruk sits in his blingtastic mortal wear, glowing slightly even under the bright camera lights, Wizard Lenin in his communist regalia looking as if he wants to be anywhere else in the world, and Lily sitting between them, the only one offering even a strained smile.

On seeing that the cameras are rolling and the lights back on, Lily looks towards the audience, blinking, "Whoa, those are bright… Well, um… As you probably know, The Carnivorous Muffin has… departed this world in a rather untimely manner. So, because of that, we've decided to suspend the normal talk-show format for a talent show competition type thing instead. You know, until we find which of us is most capable of being talk-show god."

"Lily," Gilgamesh interrupts, holding up a pale hand to stop her before she starts, while the other delicately grips his cup, filled naturally with red wine, "It must be abundantly clear even to the densest of mongrels that such a destiny is mine and mine alone."

Wizard Lenin puts his face into his hand while Lily just grimaces slightly as Gilgamesh smirks, then finally says, "Yeah, well, we should probably have auditions anyway. Since, well, we have to talk to most of these people anyway…"

"Fair enough, pander to the mongrels if you must," Gilgamesh says with a wave of his pale hand, "I permit it."

"Permit it," Wizard Lenin repeats dully, "Well, by all means, if he permits it!"

He then turns to glare down at Lily, motioning to Gilgamesh, "Lily, why did you invite this asshole?"

"I told you, he says dawg, we need a guy to say dawg all the time," Lily says, "Besides, a panel of judges deciding the fate of the world can't just have one person seated on it, and two doesn't work either, three is the perfect number for it."

"He doesn't even say dog," Lenin starts only to again be interrupted by Lily.

"Dawg," Lily states, "Not dog, there's a slight difference, you have to listen for the 'w'."

"I don't have to listen to anything," Wizard Lenin mutters as he takes a sip from his own glass, again glaring and looking as if he'd rather be anywhere else in the world.

"Right, well first up, we have… Goddamnit, it's Trotsky!"

The spotlight moves to stage right, Lily watches in horror as none other than Wizard Trotsky steps out in all his sixteen-year-old Hogwarts prefect glory, almost dancing on stage towards the empty chair across from the judge's table, as the song, "Tequila" plays in the background, looking as if he's having the time of his life.

In other words, a young man with all of Wizard Lenin's panache and flair for dramatics, but with absolutely none of his shame or pragmatism.

"Brother," Gilgamesh starts as a golden eyebrow raises, "Is this shameless embarrassment your cousin or bastard son? And if so… You should know that I will not spare him just because he is pseudo related to my own glorious wife, especially since he seems a mongrel of the… highest order,"

"Oh, please kill him," Wizard Lenin responded as he stares flatly across at the younger derivation of Tom Riddle, "That would, honestly, make my day. At this point, I think he's like a cockroach, I'm beginning to fear he'd survive even a nuclear winter. And you do realize Lily isn't actually your wife, particularly not this Lily, since she's twelve!"

"She'll grow older," Gilgamesh responds curtly, "I have waited three thousand years, brother, I can wait a few more."

The audience, however, cheers enthusiastically as he finally makes his way into his seat and he gives them all a charming smile. Then with a pleased sigh, he turns to look at the panel, or rather, directly at Lily, "Oh Lily, I am glad to see you… Even if you are still twelve."

"Yup, still twelve, Trotsky," Lily responds shortly, looking down at her hands rather than at him, "Going to be twelve for a few more months at least."

"Why do you keep getting younger every time I see you?" Wizard Trotsky asks, looking profoundly annoyed by this fact, "You know, if you had any decency at all you would age in a linear direction like everyone else on the planet."

"It is very vexing, isn't it?" Gilgamesh cuts in, looking surprisingly intrigued by his agreement with Wizard Trotsky, which perhaps he should be given that the likelihood of this happening is miniscule, "Even I wasn't into virgins quite this… virginal."

"Vexing, no, stronger word than vexing," Wizard Trotsky stops, holds up a hand, starts again, "I waited fifty years, fifty years in purgatory, slowly going mad, imagining how we'd meet again and what she'd look like when we were the same age, our wedding... And I finally get out, and she has the gall to be twelve! She has the gall to be younger than she was when I met her! What kind of a woman does that to you?! Makes you look like a pedophile in front of thousands of readers! No, no, vexing isn't nearly strong enough a word for it."

"I shall toast to that, mongrel," Gilgamesh offers, raising his glass and then drinking it back, then, staring to look at his fellow judges, he declares, "The mongrel, pitiful he may be, has my vote."

However, then his red eyes narrow and he clarifies, "But you can't have my wife or I will rend your limbs from your body and send them to the four corners of the earth."

"Oh, no, no Gilgamesh, Trotsky doesn't have your vote," Lily shakes her head then looks back to Trotsky and continues shaking it, "He's crazy, he makes little girls quote Shakespeare and commit suicide and has weird chess games outside of bathrooms, no, no we can't make him god. It would just… be a bad idea."

"Then why is he here?" Wizard Lenin asks, motioning to his patently amused counterpart, who is cheerily smiling back at him.

"Because clearly, Lenin, I am the most qualified," Wizard Trotsky responds evenly, "In all aspects, I am the greatest portion of Tom Riddle's soul. I am the only legitimate heir to the title of Voldemort, I am the most qualified to be your god and master, and I'm the most qualified to have the girl given that you can't even seem to remember her!"

At the end Wizard Trotsky is practically spitting with the force of his rage, takes a moment to refine himself as the judging panel watches with raised eyebrows, Gilgamesh somewhat taken aback by the manic display.

"No," Wizard Lenin says evenly, "I firmly disagree with all of that on so many levels I can't even put it into words."

"Actually, he's here because, well, The Carnivorous Muffin normally is around to provide some sort of natural order to the show but since they're… gone… The reviews were sort of all left in a pile and, well, Trotsky's came up first," Lily says, lifting an envelope with Wizard Trotsky written in somewhat legible handwriting on the front, before clarifying, "You're never becoming god, Trotsky, ever."

"And I firmly disagree with that statement," Wizard Trotsky states with a confidence he really does not deserve in this sort of a setting.

"…Right, well," Lily starts, opening the envelope and reading, "This is from AlleyKat2014, bless their soul, who asks, 'Which class would you play in Dungeons and Dragons?"

Wizard Trotsky's charming smile, the smile that had once convinced Slughorn to divulge some of the darkest of arts to him, faltered, "What?"

"Which class would you play in…"

"No, I…" Wizard Trotsky stops, starts again, "What does… What does that mean?"

Wizard Lenin snorts, rather indelicately, and tries to disguise this by drinking soda out of his cup, while Gilgamesh watches in the fascination of a man watching a train wreck, and Lily responds with her usual callous, innocent, obliviousness.

"Oh, it's one of those nerd games that people play in their basement, where you have dice and rules and a dungeon master and character sheets… I think you're supposed to answer if you want to be a dwarf or high mage or something," Lily explains, but this does nothing to assuage Wizard Trotsky's disbelief.

"I… I was brought here, just for that?"

"Well, there's one other question but… yes," Lily responds with a shrug, and at the sight of that, Gilgamesh begins to chuckle, not even bothering to hide it behind his cup of wine.

Wizard Trotsky gathers himself, his eyes burning, and says in an even a tone that he can manage, which still sounds far too dangerous, "I can't say I care, Lily."

"I can accept that answer," Lily says after a slight pause of consideration, she then moves to the next question, clearing her throat as she reads, "Alright, here's another from AlleyKat2014, 'Fifty years in your past, when you implied your friend Lily was with you, what was the craziest thing she had you do?"

"She had me wait fifty years in a diary and then had the gall to somehow grow younger by the time I managed to crawl my way out," Wizard Trotsky responds instantly.

"I'm pretty sure that's… not an answer," Lily says rather lamely before blinking, reading the question again, then looking back at him, "But, wait, I go back in time? When does that happen?!"

Wizard Lenin sighs, and without noting the extreme irony, states, "Lily, everyone figured that out forty chapters ago."

"Well, I didn't!" Lily exclaims, "Oh my god, fifty years in the past with Trotsky, god help us all, that sounds terrible!"

"She also did introduce me to Russian Roulette in the spirit of Christmas," Wizard Trotsky adds with a slight frown, "So there was that… It really was the best Christmas I ever had."

"… Why am I playing Russian Roulette with Trotsky?" Lily asked, but then throws her hands up, "You know what, I don't want to know, I just want him gone. Trotsky, you are done, thank you very much, we will not be seeing you again!"

"But I…"

Lily makes a dramatic motion with her hands and Wizard Trotsky, without a word, is swept off the stage and back behind the curtains, meanwhile Lily puts her head into her hands, and just before commercials roll, states, "I am not looking forward to future chapters."

* * *

Now Presenting

Lee and Obito from "Finishing the Hat" visit Pluto from "Lily and the Art of Divine Responsibility" and "Light and Shadow of the Distant Sun"

Requested by Luna Bass

"Sage, it is cold," Obito gripped himself, willing warmth into his fingers as he stared about at the freezing dark tundra that was their surroundings, "And it's a desert, again, of course it's a desert…"

"Yes, this is unpleasant," Lee responded, crossing her own arms and staring out at their surroundings, "And very cold."

Obito, now hunching over himself, gave her a rather dubious look, "Funny, shishou, you don't seem that cold."

"Yes, well, when one can manipulate the universe to their whims I usually don't have to deal that long with things like being cold," Lee said, "Now, come on, let's go exploring."

"What makes you think there are any people in this wasteland?" Obito asked, "Oh I should never have agreed to come, I should have just taken my jonin exams like any normal, sane, human being would have…"

Lee didn't even deign to respond to this, just started walking, leaving Obito to stare at her retreating figure, curse to himself, and then desperately try to keep up even as he flooded chakra through his system, hopefully enough to prevent the frostbite from setting in even as, out of his pack as they walked, he began to take out the gloves, face mask, boots, and parka that he hadn't even known he'd needed and stuff his shaking limbs into them.

He must look absolutely ridiculous, if Kakashi was here to take his picture, Obito was certain that this moment would be enshrined forever on the Hatake mantelpiece no matter how much Hatake Sakumo cringed at it.

Still, at least these layers covered his scars, underneath a face mask, a hat, gloves, boots, long thick pants, well, he might look like the Uchiha Obito he could have been, had the Kannabi Bridge mission never occurred.

Although it really wasn't fair, he thought looking over at Lee, how she didn't even seem to really mind. Oh, she looked slightly cold, but freezing, now that was another thing entirely? Looking up at the sky, at the sun, it seemed further than was natural, or what should be natural on any planet that wasn't forsaken by the gods.

Still, the stars were so bright and foreign, brighter even than they were in the most uncivilized, darkest, places in the elemental nations. As if the very air here was that much thinner than at home.

And what a thought that was, that here on this dark forsaken world, they were thousands of years of light away from Konoha, dimensions away even. Perhaps, more than anything, that was why he had agreed to come with shishou, so that he could step foot on worlds where no man had before…

The things he could tell Rin and Kakashi, when he came home.

Lee, apparently, was thinking more or less the same thing, "What do you think we'll find out here?"

"Rocks," Obito said, "Rocks and frost and the feeling of your toes losing all feeling before they fall right off…"

"Don't be so pessimistic," Lee chided, without even looking at him, waving her hand even, "There could be people."

"Who would live here?!" Obito asked, "This place is terrible!"

"No, it's not… It's not as cold as I would expect," Lee then paused, held out her hand as if feeling the air then looking up towards the distant sun, "In fact, not nearly as cold as it should be. We should be light years outside of the habitable zone."

"The what?" Obito asked.

"Around a sun there's a certain band where life could develop, or at least, an ideal zone where life could develop. Too close and it's far too hot, too far and it's too cold… Right now, granted this is only from looking, but we're much too far, and it's not nearly as cold as it should be."

"It's supposed to be colder?" Obito asked, "Wonderful, because I can tell you, shishou, it is plenty cold already..."

"Much colder," Lee interjected, not even looking at him, instead staring out in front of them in speculation, "So cold that no living being could walk on it, but here you are and you're doing fine…"

Suddenly, her pace increased, seeming to not mind at all that Obito was already struggling as it was. She pointed upwards, motioning to the clear heavens above them, "And the stars, I know these stars, you know these stars Obito."

"I do?"

"Yes, look there, it's the milky way, granted from a different angle but…" Lee stopped herself form speaking, a strange look appearing on her face, one Obito himself couldn't quite decipher, "These are _England's_ , Earth's, stars…"

Obito looked up again, but he couldn't see it, but then, then he had never been English, and even spending time in England, even though he'd had to pay a little attention to their stars, he had never thought to memorize them or know them as well as Lee apparently did.

So well that she could be on another planet, could look up, and recognize them.

However, more important, than his knowledge of English astronomy, he thought was the look on her face.

"Shishou, what does this mean, exactly?"

"I'm not sure," Lee said slowly, "That I'm close to home, but on a planet with atmosphere, far warmer than I would expect…"

Then, looking at him, she said, "We should move, Obito."

Obito nodded, and they walked faster. For a few hours there was nothing, Obito stuffing his hands under his arms, willing himself to move forward even as he thought of things like fire and warmth and sunlight while Lee walked with a steely almost nervous determination. He had moved far faster before, and for many more miles, being a shinobi practically required it, but this, this felt more like a death march than anything he had been on before.

It wasn't just the cold, although that played a rather large part, but it was the dark. This dark half-light that only seemed to grow darker, so that Lee herself seemed to be the only light in this place.

The sharingan though, priceless dojutsu that it was, that very dojutsu that had gotten him exiled from his own clan and had earned Hatake Kakashi and his whole clan the hatred of every Uchiha but Obito, was still able to see perfectly well, even in the dark.

A few hours in, he looked to Lee, "Shishou, we should find shelter, it's getting too dark."

Lee said nothing, just kept walking, he spoke again, "Shishou, we can keep going in the morning, however long it takes for it to get even halfway light again. We need to start a fire and get out of the wind…"

He stopped, trailed off and looked ahead, Lee stopping with him.

He stared at the horizon, blinking in wonder, "Is that… Is that light?"

And it was, right over the edge of the horizon, like the early morning sunrise, the haze of black was interrupted by an edge of pale, bright light, light whose source couldn't be seen from where they were standing.

It was not the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, but right then, cold, in the dark, a grin splitting his aching face, it felt like it.

He let out a wild laugh, throwing his arms out and embracing Lee, spinning her about in wild abandon, "Light! There's light! There's light and there must be shelter and people and there's light!"

Suddenly, he realized exactly what he was just doing, he stepped back sheepishly, offering her what he hoped she could tell was an apologetically embarrassed smile (though, with the face mask on, all she had to go on was the crinkling of one eye), "Ah, sorry, got a little excited there… I have been really looking forward to not walking."

Lee smiled back, hesitantly at first, then a softer expression, she looked out towards the light, "Right, it'll be nice to have a change of scenery."

Of course, Obito thought to himself as they stumbled on the edge of the village, nothing could have quite prepared him for the larger than life statue of Lee, in civilian clothing, carved into the side of a great mountain.

Obito spared a look towards Lee, Lee looked back, they looked back out at the statue and village again.

"Shishou, is there something you've been meaning to tell me?"

She responded though, in just as blank and confused a tone as he had asked, "…I don't know, Obito, I really don't know."

Obito's Lee-senses, the ones that every person who spent any time around Eru Lee developed, were almost deafening with how loud they were ringing inside of his head. All the same though, pursing his lips, telling himself that he was a damn good chunin, good enough to be a damn good jonin by any village's standards, he walked down into the village and tried to ignore Lee's carved eyes which looked down upon him in judgement.

The buildings were made of the dark bedrock that formed their surroundings, yet each one was lit and Obito could feel a slight warmth wafting from them, however, walking further in, the people…

They had that look, that not quite human look yet glaringly inhuman, one that came either from blood limits or simply not being human in the first place. Had Obito's ancestors, had the sage, looked like they did?

They were tall, much taller than Obito and even Lee though on average about as tall as Jiraiya, all fairly muscular but on the lean sign, and all unbelievably pale skinned, paler than Obito and Lee by miles, almost translucent, all with dark too large eyes and hair that ranged from Minato's shade of blonde to an almost white color, and as they walked in, each wearing far lighter clothes than Obito, each turned to look at them with expressions that, on their foreign features, Obito couldn't read.

All that he could tell, was that wherever Lee stepped, they stopped and they stared. Oh, how they stared.

"Shishou, are we going to try to talk to any of them?" Obito asked, not quite at the creep level to start signing to her as he was stared at by one of the large dark eyed children, who was looking at Lee with a reverence and delight that one might look at the shodaime, but steadily approaching it.

"As soon as one of them stops staring at me in worship," Lee responded, "I have enough of that in _England_."

That she did, of course the English were a bizarre people anyway, a strange mix of civilian and shinobi but mostly civilian. Their on and off again love of Eru Lee, featuring her in their daily newspaper which read more like Hatake Kakashi's drunk gossiping usually as some scapegoat to deflect attention from their worthless civilian governmental bureaucracy, at this point had stopped seeming bizarre to Obito so much as sad.

Also sad was Lee's ridiculous amount of power in the Wizengamot and as a peer of the realm. Konoha didn't have to infiltrate England, they invited Lee to do it to themselves.

"I don't know if we're going to find one," Obito hissed back, "And honestly, I am very cold, I think I could put up with the staring if it means I get to sit in front of a fire."

"Nonsense, one of them will be an atheist, I'm sure of it," Lee said, still walking, while Obito just stared at her flummoxed, wishing she could be reasonable for once in her life, even if they were in a completely bizarre situation.

What would he even write back to Minato-sensei about this one, "Well, we wound up somewhere in Lee's galaxy, which, there are aliens there, by the way, and they seem to worship Lee as some kind of deity although Lee swears she hasn't done anything to deserve it this time…"

Yes, Minato-sensei would be thrilled.

Lee and Obito came to an abrupt stop, looking at them, with somewhat raised eyebrows and a pleasant smile, was a tall man dressed in white, one of the ones with hair slightly darker than the others, a pale gold that curled slightly at the ends.

The people seemed to defer to him, giving him plenty of space and looking to him with relief as well as anticipation, as if this was exactly the man they expected to confront two strangers wandering out of the desert. He dressed differently enough too, well, same material but a slightly different cut to the fabric, perhaps giving him some sort of status among these people.

Then, with a curiously bell like voice, the man spoke above the winds, " _You have come far, I think._ "

English? What were people, out on a whole different planet, doing speaking English?

" _Not far enough, to find an unfamiliar language though,_ " Lee responded, then narrowing her eyes at the man, " _Still, my apprentice and I, as you guessed, have travelled a long way, probably further than you think we did._ "

The man took this in, nodding to himself, then said, " _Come inside, the night is dark and cold and a friend to no one, and besides, you two look like you could use some tea._ "

Well, Obito wasn't about to argue with that.

* * *

"Thank you," Obito said in English, as he took the cup of tea passed to him, meaning it too, as it felt so warm he was practically burning his fingers. They were seated now on the floor about a small fire inside of what he assumed was the village's kage's house, great rugs woven together out of some strange fabric on the floor, and some unfamiliar stew cooking above the fire place.

The man offered a small nod towards him then passed a cup to Lee-shishou who took it with a small nod, while her green eyes still burned as she took him in, and he, for his own part, seemed to look towards her far more than he looked towards Obito.

Although, his eyes did linger on Obito, watching in rapt fascination as Obito thawed in front of the fireplace, removing his hat and sitting as close as possible without getting burned. Particularly, his eyes lingered on Obito's dark hair and the scarred portion of his face, looking like he'd never seen either before.

Well, Obito was in space, and it was already weirder than he'd ever imagined.

"You look very much like our god," the man said finally with a small sigh, "She is away at the moment, on some other world, when we saw you walking out of the desert like madmen we assumed you must be her."

"Yes, we saw the… statue," Lee finally said with a small and awkward smile.

"Ah, yes, she hates it too," the man replied with a rather enigmatic smile of his own, "It prompted her to destroy us, once."

"Oh… Well then," Lee said, clearly not knowing what to say not that Obito blamed her in the slightest, "I guess before we get into any more this is my apprentice Obito Uchiha, and I'm Lee Eru, you can consider us diplomats of a sort from _Konohagakure_ , a village on a world that is very far from this one."

"Ah, so you aren't from Earth," the man said, although this seemed more like a confirmation, as if he'd already known this, "You didn't quite have their look, one of their kind would never have made it out of the desert alive."

Then, motioning towards himself with long, too long, fingers, he said, "I am Light and Shadow of the Distant Sun, and I am the… leader of my people, I suppose."

"You suppose?"

"We are not an old people," the man said, motioning to their surroundings, "We have only existed for a few years now, it was never formally decided, at least, not by the standards of Earth, from what I know of them. Yet, for all it is the worth, I am the one who has the closest relationship with god."

"Who looks exactly like Lee-shishou," Obito added for him, and the man nodded, as if of course god looked like Lee-shishou. Then again, Lee did claim that she was a god, and Minato-sensei had all but confirmed it, to the point where even Obito had started to take it for granted that Eru Lee was something more than human…

What would god look like, if not Eru Lee?

"What do you mean, only existed a few years?" Lee asked.

"I mean, that one day we weren't there, and then, one day we were," he said and again there seemed to be a light in his dark eyes, as if Lee had just told him something very important, without seeming to tell him anything at all, "It has been a long time since the others we know of were created."

"Now, what is it, Lee Eru and her apprentice Obito Uchiha of _Konohagakure_ , that brings you out of the desert and onto our planet so far from even the closest of stars?"

Apparently, Obito thought, they were in the sticks of the galaxy.

"Well… To see, to explore, to make contact with people like you," Lee said motioning to their host in all of his alien glory, "To create ties between villages and trade techniques, to learn…"

"We don't have much to offer in terms of material goods," the man said, running a hand through pale hair and eyeing them critically, "At least, none that the people of Earth have ever been interested in… Techniques though, this world was not made for living beings, and in inhabiting it and thriving upon it we have picked up tricks here and there. If, of course, that is what interests you and yours."

The man nodded to himself, then clapped his hands together, the sound clear and loud even against the crackling of the fire, "You will be given a house on the edge of the village, and you can learn about our people and we yours."

"Just like that?" Obito asked, because even the hokage, in Konoha, would not make a decision to take in foreign ninja, carrying weapons right in front of him from a village on some other planet, and integrate them into the village.

"Just like that," the man responded, before with a raised eyebrow, taking Obito in piece by piece, "Because if you threaten my people, know that we have the righteousness of god upon our side, and we shall slay all of your kin and exalt in the cries of your children."

Holy shit, well, the man had… The man had chakra up the wazoo, all of them did, but this one especially, Obito who was not even a sensor beyond having the sharingan (which he was not about to turn on right now) could feel it wafting off of him like it did Uzumaki Kushina.

And by the ease and confidence he felt in their presence, even with a sword on both Lee and Obito's belt, Obito was not about to go picking fights he didn't need to.

"Well, we will not be doing that then," Lee said evenly, sipping from her tea then inspecting it, "This is very good, we don't have this flavor in _Konoha_."

"Oh, that is good to hear, as you saw on your way in, without the grace of god we would not have life here at all, so what we do have, we treasure," and the man actually grinned, as if Lee's words meant quite a bit to him.

And Obito, even as they continued to sit there and talk about this and that, Konoha and this world, though it probably was his imagination, he thought the shadows in the room were somehow growing darker, and that, in the shadow of that man, there was the scent of blood.

(I actually like this one, so if there's enough interest, coming soon to a browser near you.)

* * *

"And welcome back dear reviewers," Lily cries out as the lights return and the show commences once again, "Last time we spoke to Trotsky, and it was terrible, this time we're talking to… Uzumaki Kushina from 'How I Met Your Other Mother?"

Lily inspects the next envelope with a frown, the name Uzumaki Kushina dutifully inscribed on the white surface, "Huh, you think it would have been someone from our universe, Lenin, since we just interviewed Trotsky and all…"

"From that ménage à trois spin-off story? Lily, have some standards," Wizard Lenin disparages even as Kushina appears, grinning on stage, and shouting her trademark believe it to the audience, who are cheering wildly back.

Especially the KushinaxLeexMinato fans among them.

"What?" Lily asks in return, "There are legitimate questions asked by our very prestigious reviewers…"

"Are we asking what class of dwarf this one is too?" Gilgamesh asks as he sips his endless supply of red wine, "Because I found that quite amusing."

"No, we are not asking her about Dungeons and Dragons, I don't think anyway," Lily frowns and inspects the envelope, pulling out the contents and reading through, "I think we're asking about domestic life, or something."

"Domestic life, why would I care about her domestic life?" Wizard Lenin scoffs.

"Well, obviously you don't, but the people have a dying need to know, Lenin, one we can't ignore. This, this is what being The Carnivorous Muffin is all about, a duty we must honor and cherish as, The Carnivorous Muffin, god rest their soul, is no longer with us," Lily says and before Wizard Lenin can say anything to that she turns and grins at Kushina, "Hello, Kushina, welcome to the show."

"Thanks, pretty sweet deal you've got here," Kushina notes, grinning at the sight of the stage.

"Yes, well, it was better when we actually had a host," Lily said, "Although, I don't suppose you would be interested in the position of god/writer/talk show host, would you?"

"Am I qualified for that?" Kushina asks, then grimaces, looking uncomfortably sheepish as she leans back and brushes strands of red hair out of her eyes, "It sounds great, and all, but I don't think I have the time right now, besides, I plan to become hokage anyway and then I really won't have the time for something like this, believe it!"

At seeing both Gilgamesh's and Wizard Lenin's disparaging looks Lily exclaims, "What? She's better than Trotsky!"

"That, Lily, is an unbelievably low bar," Wizard Lenin responds just as Gilgamesh responds, "The last mongrel, at least, was entertaining in his brazenness."

"Hey, I am awesome, believe it!" Kushina protests, motioning to herself in all her kunoichi jinchuuriki glory, "Also, I could destroy you two."

"My, you are arrogant and overconfident, even for a mongrel," Gilgamesh says with an arched eyebrow, "Were you not entirely beneath me I'd take great joy in killing you."

Lily puts her face into her hand as the killing intent in the room spikes, "Gilgamesh, can you not, all you have to do is just say dawg, that's all you're here to do, honestly… Right, well, Kushina, we have a question here for you."

"Oh, really?" Kushina asks, "Alright, what do the people want to know?"

"This is from pucflek, who asks, 'How is the house life with Minato and Eru Lee? Who does the chores (I assume clones, but doesn't hurt to ask) and what kind of madness is it to live with one genial weirdo and one weird genius? I would ask who wears the pants there, but it's fairly obvious, it can only be Kushina. Minato is too flakey and Eru lee goes too much with the flow."

This last sentiment, for the reader's information, is very true. Uzumaki Kushina, in that relationship, would most certainly wear the pants.

"How is… Jeez, well, how's anyone's house life?" Kushina asks, "I mean, there's ups and downs like with anyone, and ramen, a lot of ramen, I will give us that… Hm, well as you said Minato remains the flakey pretty boy who still has aspirations on my hat, and Lee is… Lee, like always."

"Truly," Wizard Lenin states blandly, "I am enlightened."

"Shut up, asshole!" Kushina cries out, "Fine, well, Lee's actually laid off the clones since, well, stuff happened, but that said Lee has some really weird ultra-powerful jutsus which she kind of abuses to instantaneously clean things, so that happens. Also, Minato's something of a neat freak himself, or, at least, more organized by nature, so he keeps things kind of in check in that sense. As for madness, well, Leeified things happen but that's just… You know, a normal thing, since it's Lee, in my apartment. Oh, I guess the nidaime is apparently really into her, but he can kiss my Uzumaki ass, because I was there first. And also, he's way older and that's kind of creepy, sort of, if he didn't look the same age as the rest of us… Not really sure what else to say."

"Good, because that was positively dull," Gilgamesh proclaims before drinking more wine, "I am beginning to regret volunteering for this debacle."

"Well, I'm sorry my threesome isn't exciting enough for you, goldie!" Kushina says, "But honestly, there's not really much you can say to a question like that in just a short conversation. That's like… summarizing my life, it's just not something you do."

"Isn't your life summary an epic?" Wizard Lenin asks Gilgamesh, "One that has inspired all heroic legends of mankind?"

"Why yes, brother, I do believe it is," Gilgamesh responds, for once looking delighted to speak to Wizard Lenin, if only to cause a flush of rage to rise to Kushina's pale cheeks.

"Well, if that's all," Kushina stands, brushes off her clothes, and shoots Lily a smile, "Thanks for the interview, younger weirdly English Lee."

Then, frowning at the other two, she turns and walks out, waving as she does so, "Later, assholes."

"Right, that went well," Lily summarizes as Uzumaki Kushina disappears, then, turning to stare blankly at the audience she says, "We'll be right back after these commercial messages."

* * *

Now Presenting

Namikaze Hari from "How I Met Your Other Mother" crushing like a squirrel crushed by a steamroller on Uchiha Shisui

Asked for someone at some point but I forget who

By The Carnivorous Muffin

Namikaze Hari's life, she decided, could be going much better than it was. Here she was, finally graduating from the academy, top of her class by far, much to Sasuke's irritation (still trying, and failing, to one up his brother in whatever strange sibling love-hate relationship they had, inflamed by their asshole of a father and clan-head) and Naruto's glee (since, well, Naruto had never gotten that academy clone thing down and by skipping with Shika all the damn time had managed to carve out the position of dead last), hated by all of her female classmates because of Sasuke's love for her, and praying, even as she sat there with a gleaming new headband on her forehead, that Uchiha Shisui would be her genin sensei.

Naruto was right, she was hopeless.

Still, all the same, the part of her that was a hopeless romantic wreck just like Haruno Sakura was for Sasuke, hoped and dreamed with rainbows and stars and Uchiha Shisui's beautiful face.

It was unlikely, it was very unlikely, there would be so many politics involved it wasn't even funny. But then, her dad might just do that to mend politics, of the Uchiha clan that hadn't been exiled, Uchiha Shisui and Uchiha Itachi were by far the most loyal to the village itself and the most reasonable.

Having them be the sensei of one of the hokage's children would be a way of extending out a peaceful offering to the clan, one that they might accept, even in the face of Lee-kaa taking exiled Uchiha Obito as an apprentice and having Hatake Kakashi, the eye thief, as an all but adopted younger brother.

It would be a political master stroke, one her dad was very likely to make, given that he'd spent much of the past years trying to mend the rift between the Uchiha clan and the village itself. That, and Shisui would be a more likely candidate than Itachi, Itachi had already been Lee-kaa's apprentice at one point, and he was a bit close in age to be their jonin sensei, not to mention Sasuke being in their class would just make it kind of weird. Plus, he was often out of the village, either in England, or in Lee-kaa's strange space and time division of ANBU, scouting out other worlds and going on strange adventures.

But then, Shisui was also in this same division and had been for years, but he was charming, and already smoothing over many of the issues between the clan and the village, and without being clan heir either making him being sensei be less of an overt political move that dad's council members might object to.

Still, Hari, Naruto and Sasuke, slammed together as always on the newly formed team seven, were still sitting here long after everyone had already left. Which, usually, was a sign that either Kakashi-nii or Obito-nii was involved, and so, for the first time in her life, Hari was praying.

Please, god, I love Obito-nii and Kakashi-nii, but please, god, let me have a legitimate way into Shisui's life, please…

Of course, she'd probably make an ass of herself, just like she'd done for years, and she was still way too young and he'd never look at her and she'd just be Sasuke's cute little girlfriend or Hari-hime at best and…

"Hari, you okay there?" Naruto asked.

Hari put her head down on the table, "No, I don't think I am."

Sasuke, for his own part, grunted, which, really, that was about all he ever did. Honestly, Hari did not see what everyone saw in him at all. He was okay looking, she guessed, but he ruined that with his wet blanket of a personality.

As far as Hari was concerned Yamanaka Ino and her ilk were welcome to him.

"Huh, our sensei's really late, isn't he?" Naruto harrumphed, crossing his arms and looking quite irritated, "Everyone else's was on time!"

Oh, he was late indeed, almost three hours late now, and Uchiha Shisui was never that late to anything….

Hari prayed a little harder.

Just then, she heard it, the death of all of her hopes and dreams, "I am so sorry, there is no excuse good enough for my being this late, but there is an excuse and it involves clones and your mother and a morning gone terribly wrong…"

In through the door, walked Obito-nii.

Naruto cheered, Sasuke rolled his eyes, and Hari cursed god as she let her head hit the table.

* * *

Gilgamesh, Lily, and Wizard Lenin sit in the dark, during the commercial break, Lily frowning as she reads through review questions and Wizard Lenin stares blankly forward, Gilgamesh, for his own part, continues to drink wine with reckless abandon.

"Lily, why are we doing this?" Wizard Lenin asks, "Is it perhaps a terrible thing that this story will die a natural death?"

For a moment, Lily says nothing, instead takes up an envelope addressed to both Lily and Wizard Lenin, and only when she opens it and reads it does she respond in a quiet voice, "Well, Lenin, its death is the death of all of us, more, it's the death of our enlightenment. We'll continue to exist in some form or another, but the knowledge of our reality, the fact that we're nothing more than characters… That dies here, Lenin, to choose to end this story is to choose our own ignorance, to reenter Plato's cave as it were."

"Perhaps, Lily, I prefer not to be enlightened," Wizard Lenin responds, and there is a burning in his eyes, a desperate insistence that for he to be all that he is, this is a truth that must forever elude him.

Gilgamesh, scoffs, "Then you are a fool as well as a mongrel, brother."

Turning to look at his companions, red eyes blazing even in the half-light, Gilgamesh explains, "It is a great fool who believes himself more than he is, but only the truly wretched cannot parse the truth of their own existence. If this is what you are, then you have no choice but to embrace it, as I have had no choice but to embrace the truth of my own existence in this world."

Lily smiles towards Gilgamesh, a soft strange smile that he returns, and raises her glass, "I'll drink to that, Gilgamesh."

Their glasses touch and with that smile, he tilts the glass back, and drinks in time with her even while Wizard Lenin seethes.

"Well, I apologize if I'm not as contentedly passive as the pair of you are," Wizard Lenin says quite moodily.

"To reject one's fate," Gilgamesh chastises with a cruel edge to his lips, "Never a pretty picture, particularly for a mongrel. Though, perhaps entertaining for me, you are welcome to your delusions, brother."

"Hey, Lenin, there's about fifty questions in here for either you or me, or both of us, maybe we should take a look while we're sitting here," Lily states before Wizard Lenin can rise out of his seat and attempt to choke the king of Uruk with his bare hands, "This first one's from pixelherodev, for both of us, 'How are you going to respond to BananaPie? You know, the person that convinced your God, The-Muffin-That-Eats-Meat, that forcing you into a crossover with My Immortal was a good idea? (If you need help 'taking care' of him, just send me the time and place)"

Lily stops, frowns as she peers at the wording, "Wow… That was… direct, also, people are really on about that My Immortal thing. I mean, yes, it's an insult to us all, but it has some very good moments in there."

"Well, considering The Carnivorous Muffin is dead, I don't think we have to worry about that anymore," Wizard Lenin says with a sigh.

"Well, no, remember, it's just the avatar of The Carnivorous Muffin which committed very dramatic suicide in front of a live studio audience," Lily corrects, "The real Carnivorous Muffin, well now, that's an entirely different story, one I suspect she is typing as we speak."

"In that case, I don't see how my opinion could sway her in the slightest, especially since she seems to take great enjoyment in my suffering," Wizard Lenin states, with all the look of a man who is forsaken by god, before sighing and whispering, "That's all I have to say about that, just move on Lily, I don't care anymore."

"Right," Lily says slowly, just staring at him for a moment or two as he looks down at the table, perfectly still, before looking down at her own pile of envelopes, "Well, these are all addressed to me, so I suppose I might as well get started. Let's see here, again from pixelherodev, 'If you think existence is meaningless, and -in your Lily Riddle persona, you have access to 'cough' recreational potions 'cough', do you ever indulge in said 'cough' recreation potions 'cough'? Or are you waiting until you're twenty-five so inhibited neural development isn't a concern? Or does your immortality/being a goddess of dead and destruction (and life and creation – BTW, is that alien you created still stalking you around?) remove such concerns?"

"Well that is… a lot, um, no I do not indulge," Lily says, before blinking, and then stating, strangely sober, "Irrational though the universe might be, unsympathetic to boot, strangely the desire to slip even further into this madness has never seemed like a solution to me. To live in an absurd world, you must embrace the freedom that comes with having no destiny or ulterior motive to your own existence, and I feel like to waste away in alcohol or narcotics… It's to turn my already farcical existence into even more of a tragicomedy than it already is. And besides, if I cease to be able to view the world, while drunk or stoned, will even this semblance of reality slip from me entirely?"

Then, pausing, she adds, "As for the alien, I don't know, nor do I want to."

"Also, your drunkenness was alarming even to me," Gilgamesh adds in with his typical Babylonian suave.

"Right, and my previous alternate universe drunk adventures have all been rather strange," Lily confirms, nodding towards Gilgamesh who offers her a smirk back.

"By the way, are there any questions for me in that stack of yours?" Gilgamesh asks, red eyes drifting towards the overwhelming pile of envelopes.

"Nope, you see, the last chapter of this was written way before your story was a thing so, no interest on the reader's part for you," Lily said, before whipping out another envelope and reading, "Okay, oh, another one from pixelherodev, here we go, 'On a scale of one to ten, with one being really weird and ten being really awesome, what are your feelings on the worship you receive from random people on the internet?"

"That is… That is a very good question," Lily put in before grimacing, turning the review in her hands, then asking, "Five? On the one hand, it's nice to be appreciated, since I'm rarely appreciated at Hogwarts, well, in any real sense. On the other hand, that's a bit like the Pluto thing and that whole thing just wigged me out."

"Pluto?" Gilgamesh asks.

"You haven't heard?" Lily returns, green eyes widening as she stares at him, before motioning in his direction as she confides, "Well, in a thing that never happened in some other universe, I created life and it… Um, got weird. Yes, that's the best summary."

(The weirdness came in when Lily committed genocide against her created people only for them to rise from the grave and declare war against Earth and colonized Mars to claim back their god. The Carnivorous Muffin recommends it heartily.)

"Isn't that right, Lenin?" Lily asks, but Lenin does not even look up, and at the sight of him Lily's smile diminishes, and she instead turns back to her own questions, "Right, well, oh, more from pixelherodev, alright, 'Why do you claim to believe existence is meaningless? If you really believed that, you wouldn't bother trying to fix it – after all, it wouldn't matter either way!"

Lily's frown becomes more pronounced, this question hitting, perhaps, too close to home, "Existence is meaningless, it's not a claim, it's a fundamental truth that we must all contend with. Our lives are ones of pointless suffering, struggling to find meaning in a world where, there's none to be found. However, however that conclusion does not always lend itself to nihilism, just because life doesn't have existence, doesn't mean I should do nothing…"

Lily stops, looks down at her hands then back up towards the darkened audience, still waiting for the commercials to end, "I'm not trying to fix it, fix anything, there's nothing really to fix. But, like Sisyphus is condemned to roll his boulder up a hill for eternity, I'm condemned to roll mine up as well. And even though it's painful, unpleasant, and filled with uncertainty and pointlessness, there's perhaps a beauty in that, sometimes the answer isn't to rebel or to rage, but to accept the most painful truths we can conceive, and continue to roll a boulder up a hill regardless of them. That, at any rate, is what I believe…"

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Gilgamesh commends quietly, "Well done, Lily."

Lily offers him a half-hearted smile as she silently opens the next envelope, "Wow, pixelherodev has a lot of questions, but anyways, they ask, 'If you had to choose a Doctor Who incarnation to be the companion of, which would it be?"

Lily frowns, thinks for a moment, "Ten, I liked Ten… Although I could have done without the Rose depression and Marth rebound."

Then, reading further down, Lily asks herself, "Also, from pixelherodev, 'Do you ever feel the universe is so broken that maybe creating a paradox will fix it?"

"…I don't think that's how that works," Lily says slowly, frowning, and then adding, "I really don't think that's how that works, at all. So… no."

(Also, there is the uncomfortable undertone with this that Rabbit, then, is the solution to all problems. Which… Well… Judge for yourselves, readers.)

"Are you done yet?" Lenin asks, lifting his head slightly so he can glare at her.

"No, Lenin, I am not done yet, there are… Many, many, more to go," Lily states, staring down at the pile, "I feel very popular."

"As you should," Gilgamesh says, "It is only your right position in the world."

"Thanks, Gilgamesh, I appreciate that sentiment," Lily says looking a little more strained than Gilgamesh, before reading the next review, "Now we have, quite a few from Banana Pie… I wonder if they know that people are so mad at them? Anyways, here we go, 'If you had a chance to know the answer to any question at all, what would you ask?"

Lily pauses for a moment, running a hand through her hair, then responds, "Well, normally I'd ask if there's a god or what's the meaning of life, but I think I've got those covered. Really, most of life's large questions I've got covered… I suppose I'd ask if I really do go back in time with Trotsky… Because that seems concerning."

"That, that is what you'd waste your question on?!" Wizard Lenin says, head shooting up, "A question which any half-wit already knows the answer to!"

"Shut up, Lenin, no one asked you," Lily says, "Alright, second, 'You have to get a tattoo – where and what would you get (you can't get one super small or bend the rules to avoid the question)?"

Lily holds up her hands for her companions to see, waving her fingers slightly, "Well, obviously, I'd get 'Eleanor', tattooed across my knuckles, like in 'The Blues Brothers', or maybe just Lily."

Neither of her companions seem to appreciate this nearly as much as they should and Lily's grin fades in realizing that.

"Third, 'You (and a companion of your choice) end up in a The Gamer situation (your life is a video game, doing tasks for people and defeating enemies gives you XP, you level up, gain skills, etc.) – what would you do?"

"Well, first, that companion is obviously Lenin, sorry Gilgamesh, and we'd… do video game things, whatever those are… Probably stab Squirrel, that could get me a lot of points, right? Actually, I feel like my life is a bit like this already, but sans points," Lily frowns, looks over to Wizard Lenin, but he doesn't appear interested in the slightest, while Gilgamesh just looks mildly offended and enraged by the mere idea of being overshadowed and Wizard Lenin being chosen before him.

However, Lily hardly seems to notice this as she moves on to the next envelope, "Right, well, this is from pucflek, "How important (setting aside that nothing is really important because everything is meaningless, is the knowledge of Blade Runner, on scale of 1 to 10."

Lily pauses, then, without missing a beat, responds, "Eleven."

She tosses the envelope aside dramatically, "Next, from Kain Vixenheim, 'What do you think about the possibility of your fanon becoming canon? If you know what NightVale is, what do you think you would do if you ever wound up there?"

Lily considers this, looks to her companions then back to the review, "… Well, that might be slightly more legitimate, I think I'd like that, better to be a published legitimate story than mere fanfiction. As for NightVale… I have no idea what that is."

Lily picks up the next envelope, looks at the pile, then grins, "Hey, guys, I think these are the last three for me, all from AlleyKat2014 actually."

"Lily, I'm still caught on one of your previous answers, you would invite this mongrel Lenin to be your companion in battle?" Gilgamesh asks before motioning to himself, "Surely, Lily, if our adventures have taught you anything, it is that I am the worthiest of companions."

"Oh, but Gilgamesh, that's… you know grail wars and stuff… This is Hogwarts, it's entirely different," Lily says, eyes looking elsewhere as she refuses to contemplate the fact that her older alternate-universe-self slept with this man, "Anyways, 'Even though you've learned life is meaningless, would you rather live in a world where existence does have meaning? What do you think a world like that would look like?"

"Well, first, no, no I wouldn't, because that world, well it'd look something like this one," Lily motions to their surroundings, "When things have meaning, generally, they're not kind to their main characters. To have fate, to be subscribed fate, it's easier yes… but it often leads to suffering which in turn leads to personal growth, it's not a kinder thing by any means, and it tastes something awful artificial. So, no, I think I'd rather stay as I am, thank you very much."

Lily's eyes slip further down the page, her brow furrows, she looks up towards her companions, grimaces, "Well, this next one is, 'Who do you think you'll marry later in your life?"

"Myself, obviously," Gilgamesh says rather curtly and dismissively, "We have been through this already."

This, of course, meaning "The Demiurge" where, to the love ballad of "What's New Pussycat?" in a karaoke bar, Gilgamesh makes sweet love to a drunk sixteen-year-old Lily and declares that they are married.

It makes sense in context.

Lily, for her own part, stares back blankly, then after too long of a silence, she says, "Sure, we'll go with that. Last one, here we go, 'What class would you play in Dungeons and Dragons?"

Lily frowns, "Huh, didn't this… Didn't this come up already, well, obviously, I'm the God Emperor class. So… yes."

Lily looks up to stare at the audience then back at the letters, "Jesus, are we not on already, how long do these commercials usually take?"

* * *

Now Presenting

Even More of that Hypothetical Avengers Crossover that Everyone Asked for

By The Carnivorous Muffin

Lily wasn't sure how she got stuck with the soviet terminator trying to assassinate her pretty much every other day, but somehow, she had, and he was… relentless. He also had a metal arm, which she had sot say was pretty cool, if only it didn't hurt so much whenever he back handed her across a room with it.

Right now though, after having stabbed her through the heart once again (he had done it like five times now), he was entering that familiar state of, "I am confused, you not dead, but I kill you, this is unpossible"

Generally, in this state, he'd sort of sit around with a furrowed look on his grungy looking face, sit on her couch in his ridiculous leather outfit with a red star branded on his metal arm, mutter words in Russian as he twitched, or else just stare at her, looking at her really hard, as if she was a math problem that just continued to confound him.

She offered him a plate of cookies and a glass of milk, as always, he didn't take it.

"Look, comrade," Lily started, "You've got to stop this, it will never, I repeat, never, stick."

He muttered something in Russian again, still staring at her like he had no idea what she was even saying.

"You have tried how many times now?" Lily asked, then answered for him, "Five, it has been about five times now, maybe more, I've started to lose count. You show up, out of nowhere, we have this game of cat and mouse that lasts like five days, you trash whatever apartment I'm staying in, you kill me, and then you sit here, and look like you have no idea what's even happening."

"Now, your persistence is commendable, in normal circumstances I'd salute you, and perhaps it'd even work most the time," Lily said but then with a sigh she continued, "But, comrade, this will never, ever, work. I'm sorry, but it just won't. So please, please, don't try again next week."

Oh, but he would, they'd already had this conversation, or one-sided conversation where Lily just sort of talked at him while he stared at her walls like he was watching the paint dry… He was a few lightbulbs short of a fully functioning chandelier.

"Okay," Lily said, "Let's try this, what would you like to do? Besides kill me, I mean, and we can do that instead of killing me, next time you show up and ransack my apartment."

She didn't really expect an answer out of him, he'd never bothered to answer before, at this point he usually just drunkenly stumbled out the hole in the wall he'd made, yelling half-slurred sentences in Russian and English, and then he'd be back to stoic, silent, Russian beef-cake of death mode the next week.

However, this time there was a glint, of perhaps, some intelligence in his brown eyes, and he said, in a thick voice unused to speaking full sentences, a name, "Steve."

"Steve?" Lily asked, but he didn't clarify, instead she raised her hand and began listing through options, "Good, Steve, we… do Steve, find Steve, a Steve, any Steve?"

"I… look for Steve," the man clarified, and he looked confused, as if he wasn't entirely sure what he was saying either.

"Look for Steve! Alright, you and I will look for Steven next time you come to trash my apartment… You will remember this, won't you? You seem to have memory issues."

The man took a cookie, hesitantly, inspecting it and then slowly, too slowly, licking it. Then, taking a bite out of it, closing his eyes and relishing the very taste, he said, "Steve, not Steven, just Steve."

"Alright, Steve, we look for Steve," Lily repeated, nodding, "That is… That is now on my calendar, for whenever you show up guns blazing, like Robocop gone terribly terribly wrong."

"I… It's hard to…" he tapped his head then, leaving Lily to fill in the word as he said one in Russian.

"Remember?" she asked, and he nodded, Lily then blew out, well, she'd sort of guessed, given that he never seemed to recognize her when she showed up, and since he kept trying to kill her when he should have realized that since it didn't work the last time it was unlikely to work this time.

"Well… That is a problem, but here's this, I'll remember, and when you catch up again, after we run around you trying to stab me or strangle me or beat me to death again, I'll remind you, that you said, we have to go find Steve," Lily said, and good god he looked like he didn't follow even that, but he offered her a small, uncertain, hesitant little nod at the very least, that had to be a sign of something.

He stood then, it apparently being that time of the day he had to fly back to Russia, or wherever the hell it was he went.

"Ah, that time already, well, good luck comrade with whatever Manchurian Candidate nonsense they're putting you through," Lily said, as he began to stumble out of her apartment, "I do not envy you that… See you this time next week, and we'll look for Steve!"

Then, as he disappeared she muttered to herself, "I just hope poor Steve knows what he's gotten himself into."

* * *

"…Do you think The Carnivorous Muffin was responsible for ending these commercials? Because we're still sitting here, and I swear, the time is crawling," Lily says to her companions, neither, however seem all that interested.

For his own part Gilgamesh is gazing off into the distance with a sort of musing expression on his face, perhaps coming to grips with the own absurd nature of his exisence, while Wizard Lenin is still spiraling downwards into a pit of depression and rage.

Lily may not be all that prone to nihilism, but Wizard Lenin, now he certainly is.

"Well… Lenin, you have like, a pile of questions, you want to try answering them?" Lily asks.

"No," he responds shortly, not even looking at her or anyone, still staring straight down at the table.

"Really? Because, if you think about it, these are the people responsible for you actually knowing the universe is a sham, I mean, more than The Carnivorous Muffin was," Lily points out, "After all, if they stop reviewing, then we kind of cease to exist."

That, at the very least, seems to get his attention. He lifts his head slowly to look at Lily, a strange glint in his eyes, and then softly and without inflection he says, "Yes, alright, I'll answer a few questions."

"Alright, first from… Damn, are all of these from pixelherodev? Well, whatever, first, from pixelherodev, 'Why haven't you come up with a suitably annoying name for Lily so she'll stop calling you Lenin? Do you secretly like being called Lenin? Wait, no offense intended, please don't kill me!"

Lenin says nothing for too long a moment, eyes burning, and then, "Fuck you, next question."

Lily dutifully opens the next and reads from it with a confidence that completely ignores Wizard Lenin's foul mood and Gilgamesh's resulting mirth, "Okay, second, from pixelherodev, 'In your opinion, is the author of My Immortal a troll or just a really shitty excuse for a human being? Oh, and don't forget the third option – both! I ask Lenin because you seem to be an expert in the workings of the mind."

"I can't say I care to contemplate the author of that abomination long enough to tell the difference," Wizard Lenin shortly replies then demands, in the tone of kings and dark lords, "Next question, Lily."

"You know, brother, I do believe the purpose of half of these are to dance on your nerves," Gilgamesh says with a laugh, "And your wounded mongrel pride does make quite the show."

Lily ignores this as well as she reads from the next envelope, "Oh, hey, this one's Elliot Green, 'What was it that made you want to become a dark lord?"

"Bureaucracy," Wizard Lenin answers simply, "Bureaucracy, mindless corruption, and the racism that underlies all of it. Wizarding Britain disgusts me and I in turn disgusted them, and as I grew up, it occurred to me, that I would have to reform this pitiful nation into my own image and set the pieces up so this society, the aristocracy, the mudbloods, the halfbloods and blood traitors, ate each other alive. Even with my disappearance of eleven years, they have not disappointed."

The true answer, perhaps, is more complicated than this, but Wizard Lenin hardly seems in the mood to delve deeply into the psyche of the young, ambitious, schoolboy Tom Marvolo Riddle and all his darkest and brightest of dreams for the human race.

"Bureaucracy? Brother, a man is born a king or he is not, anyone else is simply an overambitious mongrel," Gilgamesh states as he sips from his wine, "And, as I am the only king, such a dream is fanciful at best."

Lily interjects before Wizard Lenin can even think to respond, "That's great, Gilgamesh, but oh look, another one from pixelherodev, 'At what point did you accept that your name was Wizard Lenin?"

"If I didn't answer that question the first time," Wizard Lenin blandly responds, "Why do you have the slightest inkling that I would answer it the second?"

Lily nods at this, "Alright, well, here's another one from pixelherodev, 'What percentage of the human race do you feel deserves to be wiped out?"

His brow furrows, he leans back, then asks, "What sort of a monster do you think I am?! It's not a… set percentage of humanity, there are certainly those who did not deserve to be born, but I don't have a number off the top of my head, and most of the time they're the type who all so easily destroys themselves."

"Well, you are a dark lord, Lenin," Lily points out but Wizard Lenin dismisses this with ease.

"That, Lily, is an entirely different thing," Wizard Lenin states, "Just because I have a bloody, violent, glorious revolution does not mean I want to destroy the world or even a large percentage of humanity."

Wizard Lenin motions to Gilgamesh as an example, "Look at him, he terrorizes his own people for decades, so much so that the gods intervened to curb his impulses, and he has no great love of any percentage of humanity. Yet, you don't see him condemning any proportion of them to death."

"Such an effort would be a waste of time and frankly, beneath me," Gilgamesh says with a dismissive shrug of his own, unknowing of the fact that in the later Fate series, after he's been grailed in Fate/Zero, he does propose using the grail's power to obliterate mankind and the modern world.

There is an irony here, that is lost upon all characters in the room.

"Okay then, we'll move on, from pixelherodev, 'If you had to choose a Doctor Who incarnation to be the companion of, which would it be?"

Wizard Lenin, for too long of a moment, just stares, then says, "None of them."

This is probably fair, Wizard Lenin would very likely be, the worst companion the Doctor could possibly pick up, and their resulting adventures would be horrifying to all who witness them. Doctor Who's ratings, very likely, would have plummeted.

"Not sure that's an…" Lily trails off on seeing Wizard Lenin's expression, and simply picks up the next envelope, "Alright, another one from pixelherodev, 'Do you ever find it strange that meeting a goddess made you less religious?"

Wizard Lenin considers this with mild irritation, folding his pale hands and glaring forward, "First, I have never been remotely religious, even before meeting Lily. Second, no, I think if most people could touch shoulders with the even remotely divine, they would find themselves less than pleased with the results."

At this, Wizard Lenin pointedly looks at both Gilgamesh, who is two-thirds god, and Lily who is… Who really knows. Neither of them seem to comprehend the point he's trying to make.

"Alright then, next question, oh hey this is to both of us, from Banana Pie, 'Fuck, marry, kill – three characters who The Carnivorous Muffin thinks will make this the most interesting?" Lily pauses frowns, "Well… Damn, The Carnivorous Muffin isn't really here to decide that… Hm, well, what do you think Lenin?"

"Fuck you," Wizard Lenin seems more than content to leave his answer at that.

"That was… well, alright, as for me, kill Squirrel, obviously, kill him forever. Fuck… that's tougher… I'm a bit prepubescent to really be concerned with that?"

"Obviously you'd both fuck and marry me," Gilgamesh states with a sigh, as if he's tired that people keep overlooking that in a crossover AU spinoff he and Lily, according to him, are quite happily married.

"No, Gilgamesh, it has to be two different people, that's the rule," Lily states, "With that, uh, sure I guess I marry Gilgamesh, and I fuck… Lenin?"

"No, no you do not," Wizard Lenin swiftly responds.

"Well, Lenin, I'm kind of running out of people here, and I'm really not putting down Trotsky," Lily states, "And if I'm marrying Gilgamesh… Apparently, then you're kind of the only other option… I think Death would be incest, maybe, that's unclear."

It's not unclear, Death would in fact be incest.

"Just move on to the next one, Lily," Wizard Lenin pleads, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, visibly willing this to be over already.

"Okay, this is from Guest, 'Has Wizard Lenin realized that Lily Riddle is time traveler Lily?"

Wizard Lenin blinks, glares somewhat, then sighs, "Honestly, in here, yes, in the other world, no. But, as I said earlier, even a half-wit could figure it out at this point, The Carnivorous Muffin lacks subtlety utterly."

Undoubtedly, in canon 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' he would be far more upset and far less even keeled at this sort of bombshell of a question. However, in this world between worlds, he has had to swallow far greater and less pleasant truths than this.

"How many are left?" Wizard Lenin asks.

"Not too many, here's one from Kain Vixenheim, 'Why do you hate the name Lenin so much?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Wizard Lenin asks, and apparently, means to leave it at that rhetorical question, for the answer should be so simple that anyone can guess it.

"Well, I've always thought it suited you," Lily points out, "But anyways, another from Kain Vixenheim, 'What do you think of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus' becoming its own book (maybe)?"

"At least, then," Wizard Lenin states, "We'll be slightly more legitimate than fanfiction, which is honestly rather embarrassing."

"It is, isn't it?" Lily responds with a nod of her own, "Anyways, oh, another three all from AlleyKat2014, first off, 'What do you think of Rabbit's crush on Lily?"

"I don't care," Wizard Lenin says with an aggravated sigh, "What else do they have in there?"

"Really, you don't even find it alarming, I find It alarming…" Lily trails off and grimaces before she opens the next, "What do you think of Lily's answer to the question they asked me, about who I think I'll marry?"

"… Why do they assume I care about answering this?" Wizard Lenin instead asks, before waving his hand and demanding, "Move on to the next one."

"Alright, last one to you, and oh, it's this one again, 'What class would you play in Dungeons and Dragons?"

He stares, stands in his chair, glares out at the audience, and says nothing, merely walks off the stage, clearly done with this bullshit, leaving Lily and Gilgamesh behind, just in time for the lights to come back up and the show to start again.

"Oh shit," Lily exclaims, before plastering on her brightest grin as the show, without Wizard Lenin, marches on.

* * *

The lights are up, the audience stands clapping, and Lily, with an empty seat on one side and Gilgamesh smirking in another, grins at the audience, "Welcome back everybody! Oh, we are glad to see all of you, as you can see we have temporarily lost one of our judges… Yes, but that doesn't matter! Because the show must and will go on even without him!"

The audience claps at this and cheers wildly, oblivious to the edge in Lily's smile.

"Right, so welcome to the stage everybody, none other than the one ring of Middle Earth, everyone, give it up for, Cracker Jack!" Lily cries and there, stepping onto the stage with slight hesitation, is the one ring, in his golden mortal form, looking eerily like Gilgamesh's Middle Earth, elf cousin.

As he sits he offers Lily an awkward, if charming smile, while Lily addresses him, "Oh, Cracker Jack, it's good to see you… I suppose you wouldn't be interested in becoming God, would you?"

"Um, no, actually, I'd rather not," he states slowly, "I believe that would bring me in contact with my other half. Which, I've come to believe, should be avoided to the best of my abilities."

Lily grins, "Well said, well said Cracker Jack, we have a question for you actually, from pixelherodev, who asks, 'Do you think your father would stop trying to take over the world if you promised him an endless supply of ice cream?"

Lily's grin falls, the audience, on cue, bursts into laughter, Gilgamesh turns to her slowly with a raised and critical eyebrow. Lily, slowly, whispers over to him, "I don't… I don't write the questions, honestly, don't shoot the messenger…"

Gilgamesh's look towards the audience, wordless as it is, is enough to cue another round of canned laughter.

"Riches alone have not been enough to convince him otherwise," the ring finally says, "So I doubt your ice cream would either."

Lily purses her lips, nods slowly, "Right, well… That was it, you can leave now."

The golden-haired Cracker Jack gives her an odd look, one filled with confusion, even as Lily shoos him off the stage and he slowly, too slowly, gets to his feet and wanders off from whence he came.

"Well, that was enlightening," Gilgamesh states before looking at the reviews, "Are all of them that…"

"Yes, yes they are," Lily says, and it is clear from her expression that she is beginning to understand why Lenin felt the need to leave.

"Okay everybody, since that was so short, next we have Luke Skywalker from 'Star Wars'!"

Everyone cheers as Luke Skywalker, in his Tatooine moisture farmer outfit, bounds onto the stage with his wild and overconfident grin.

"Now, who is this one supposed to be?" Gilgamesh asks, eyebrow raised.

"Oh, that's Luke, he's from 'Star Wars', he blows up a Death Star multiple times," Lily says before adding, "He does like to whine though."

"And you have a question for this mongrel?" Gilgamesh asks.

"Surprisingly, yes, unsurprisingly, it's from pixelherodev again," Lily states, having come to realize there's a pattern going on in these things.

"Hey Luke, how's it going?" Lily asks as Luke, now somewhat awkwardly but with that patented Skywalker earnestness, takes his seat, "We've got a few questions for you here, Luke, if you care to answer, 'What is your opinion on Lily -aka Wizard Jesus… or me, I guess? For that matter, what're your thoughts about religion?"

Lily grins at Luke while Luke just… stares back, finally, Luke simply asks, "Do I know you?"

Lily's grin vanishes and she points to the side of the stage, "Thank you, Luke, you may go now."

"But I…"

"I said, Luke, you can go," Lily watches as, with utter bewilderment, Luke Skywalker stands back up, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation, and exits the stage.

Lily puts a hand through her hair, breathing out, "I don't think I can do this, Gilgamesh, I mean, first it got The Carnivorous Muffin, then Lenin… Clearly, this job drives people into insanity."

"I'm entertained," Gilgamesh supplies with his trademark asshole grin.

"You're entertained by the suffering of others," Lily points out, "It's what you do, which just goes to show how little fun I'm having. Right, what else have we got, let's see AlleyKat2014… the hell, I'm asking Hermione about Dungeons and Dragons now? Well, forget that, she's not going to answer anyways, I'm not calling her in there just for that."

Lily throws this envelope away, reaching for the next, "Oh, here we go, this is from pucflek for Aleskander, my favorite Albanian vampire revolutionary… That seems legitimate, let's bring him in."

Music begins to play at Lily's hand motion and the blonde Albanian vampire with so little screen time he's barely even a character walks into the room and offers Lily a genial smile as he walks with all the confidence of that a vampire revolutionary can possess as he takes his seat.

"Aleskander, how are you doing, how's Albania?" Lily asks.

"Well, the wizards are unhappy," Aleskander responds before smiling back, "But honestly, they've had that coming for a long time. And you, Lily?"

"Could be better, honestly, I think I just got my mind wiped by Trotsky… It wasn't fun," Lily states, referring to the most recent chapter of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" where it ends, indeed, with Wizard Trotsky claiming victory in a landslide of scheming.

"That sounds unpleasant," Aleskander says before he claps his hand together, "So, I hear there's a question for me. Congratulations, by the way, on your new position."

Lily swiftly denies this, shaking her head vehemently, "Oh, oh no, I'm not taking over, no way, I'm on a panel of judges, as you can see, with Gilgamesh and Lenin who is… not here, anyways, 'What were your first impressions of me, and how is ruling going? Also, is Dracula real?"

"Dracula, well, Vlad the Impaler certainly existed, honestly I'm a bit young to have known him personally," Aleskander starts, "As far as I know he was quite real though… Don't they tell you about that, the English, he died on your island after all."

"No, surprisingly he comes up rarely, if at all," Lily starts, "I mean, there's a lot of films about him and all, but mostly from the novel."

"Oh, well, wizards often aren't interested in my people," Aleaskander says with a shrug of his thin, black clad, shoulders, "As for ruling, well, the wizards rebel, as always, but they have lost the land and the people long ago. They will fail, it is this very failure that allowed us success. And you… Well, there are no words, princeshë."

Gilgamesh, looking between the two, frowns, likely because not only is he not being entertained by someone's unhappiness, but also perhaps because Aleskander looks a bit too fond of Lily, in Gilgamesh's eyes, as a result he says, "This mongrel, Lily, does not have my vote."

"What?" Lily exclaims, "Hey now, I really like Aleskander, he's a great guy, and ruler of Albania."

"No offense taken," Aleskander states with a smile, "I am more than used to being overlooked by Englishmen."

"And what could possibly convince you that I'm an Englishman?" Gilgamesh asks rather dully.

"…The pants, English wizards have… Well, I would expect one to wear those in public," Aleskander says, looking rather critically at Gilgamesh's snake print pants, which indeed, are awful enough to be the ultimate pits of fashion in wizarding Britain.

"How dare you, pitiful blood sucking mongrel, address me in such a…"

Lily holds up her hands in protest, "Hey, now, let's calm down, Gilgamesh your pants are… interesting, Aleskander, Gilgamesh is from Babylon and is a three-thousand year old king… Actually, he's Gilgamesh, if that clears up anything."

"Ah," Aleskander simply says, before asking, "The Gilgamesh?"

"The Gilgamesh," Lily clarifies, then, "You'd better go now."

"Right, well, lovely seeing you again," Aleskander stands then, just as awkwardly as those before him, he walks off the stage.

Lily turns to Gilgamesh, "I can't believe you! You had one job, Gilgamesh, one job!"

"I'm beginning to find this dull," Gilgamesh supplies, "The questions are inane and the guests are bland."

"Well, I can't help that, Gilgamesh!" Lily responds, crying out and gesturing wide with a look that she too is more than done with all of this, "Whatever, we'll just… We have a few more one-off questions here then we'll cut to commercial break. Alright? Jesus, you people are not making this easy…"

"Oh god, it's for Snape," Lily says as she reads the envelope, then, looking skyward, she calls out, "Snape, get your greasy ass out here, please."

Snape, naturally, does not come out.

"Snape, the sooner you do this the sooner we can get it over with!"

This, apparently, is enough as Severus Snape, with a shudder, steps out from beyond the curtain and, sneering down at Lily in distaste makes his way over to the table, Lily, for her own part, just shoots him a rather unimpressed look right back at him.

"Miss Potter," Snape says in the dullest tone that Alan Rickman could ever manage.

"Snape," Lily responds just as curtly, "Our dear reviewer pucflek has a question for you, 'Are you planning any new tactics for defeating Lily, or did you mostly give up on ever winning?"

Snape, without a word, stands up again, and walks out. Lily, watching his evenly paced retreat, comments to Gilgamesh, "Now that, Gilgamesh, is a broken man."

Lily turns to the audience, "We'll be right back after these messages from our sponsors."

And with that, the camera pans out, the lights fade, and the commercials begin to roll once again.

* * *

Wizard Lenin sits backstage, over an open fire, warming his hands as he sits across from Death. Death, for his own part, merely looks at him with a pair of raised eyebrows.

"So, it's going that well?" Death asks.

"I don't want to talk about it," Wizard Lenin responds shortly enough, which means that, yes, it is, indeed, going that well.

* * *

The lights are on, the, cameras rolling, and the show is back sans Wizard Lenin, but plus Gilgamesh and Lily, "Alright, Gilgamesh, I think this is going well, I think we are doing good work here, I think we are both rocking and rolling."

Gilgamesh, looking at her, does not seem inclined to agree but is too polite, for the moment, to speak his doubts out loud.

Lily, for her own part, just grins at the audience and motions to the curtains, "Our next guest, the shinobi you all know and love, the most useless of team seven, it's Dead Last from 'Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds', everybody give a hand!"

Dead Last, looking exasperated, wary, and very unenthused appears from the side of the stage, sighs, and like a preteen on his death march, makes his way over to the empty chair across from the table, "Right… Well, you know I love being here."

"Yes, we all love being here. There are a few questions for you, all apparently from Banana Pie," Lily states, "You interested in answering?"

"No?" he asks in return, probably doubting that he can just leave, which turns out to be right because Lily immediately begins to read.

"First, 'Being on a team with such overpowered teammates, does it make you feel at least a tiny bit safe knowing that they can easily defeat threats that most other teams would consider death?"

"No!" he cries out almost instantly, "No, not at all, I mean, just last mission I was kidnapped by one of Lee's clones! No, I do not feel safe at all! In fact, I feel less safe, I think! Especially now that I apparently have a dojutsu and everyone's going to be after my now, Uzumaki, blood! No, I feel, I feel about as unsafe as one can possibly feel."

"That is a very passionate response," Lily states then looks to Gilgamesh, "Wouldn't you say that it had passion, Gilgamesh?"

"Oh, undoubtedly the mongrel is passionate about his own unworthiness," Gilgamesh states even as he sips his endless supply of wine, yet somehow still not drunk from it.

"Thank you," Haru says slowly, "I think."

"Right, second question, 'If you could press a button and end up in an actual normal team from the very beginning, would you?"

"In a heartbeat," he responds, "I would push it now, if you had it, I am… Being on Lee and Minato's team is not my idea of fun, or anyone's idea of fun, there are plant zombies, and clones, and Lee…"

"Deep team loyalty there," Lily says nodding, "I like it, well, that's all we have for you."

"Good," he proclaims even as he stands, "In that case, I'm leaving, thank you, other universe English Lee for talking to me."

"Not a problem, goodbye Dead Last!"

They watch him walk back off the stage, as they do so, Gilgamesh asks, "Lily, what was the point of that?"

And Lily, grinning at Dead Last's retreat, says, "I have no idea, but we're cutting to commercial anyways, so I don't care."

* * *

On the screen there appears these words:

The Carnivorous Muffin is tired and her fingers are tired of typing, so there will be no more commercial breaks this time, thank you.

Then the screen, slowly but surely, fades to black.

* * *

"And we're back everybody!" Lily cries out, clapping her hands together as the audience cheers and the lights shine down upon the judge's table once again, "As you know, Lenin is still doing god knows what backstage, avoiding his responsibilities like an asshole. And here we are, with some questions for… Goddammit, with some questions for Rabbit."

"The grail abomination?" Gilgamesh splutters, "I don't know if I want to talk to it."

"Don't worry, he rarely says anything, so this will probably be pretty fast," Lily says to him under her breath before continuing, "Everybody, please welcome to the stage, that Scotland devouring eldritch abomination, Rabbit!"

Rabbit, in the form of Lepur Rabbitson, with the most emotionless expression on his face that is possible, wanders over and sits down without a word, without even blinking, while Lily and Gilgamesh, just stare back.

"Right, well, quicker is better, this is from pucflek, "If you could, would you devour all the chocolate in the world, or would you rather eat it like normal people do (but still eventually eat all the chocolate in the world)?"

Rabbit, naturally gives no response, does not even appear to be breathing.

"Right, well said, Rabbit, well said…" Lily nods slowly, opens the next envelope, "This one is from AlleyKat2014, 'So far, we've seen you take the form of a rabbit and Lepur Rabbitson in this world. Have you ever been in this world in the form of anything else (not counting when I tried to turn you into inanimate objects)?"

Rabbit's lips curl into a pleasant, too polite, smile, one which Lily visibly shudders at even as she takes a sip from her drink.

"Right, yes, last one Rabbit then you can disappear from whence you came, from AlleyKat2014…"

Lily's face, as she reads the question, falls flat, "Are you kidding me? Rabbit, 'What class would you play in Dungeons and Dragons?"

Before, Rabbit can say a word Lily walks over, hauls him out of his seat, then pushes him off stage, much to the guffawing of the audience. Then, with an overwhelmed look, she looks back to Gilgamesh, "I don't think I can do another commercial break, we've got to get these last couple of questions over with, Gilgamesh."

"I have no complaints," Gilgamesh offers with a shrug.

"Right, well," Lily walks back to the table, sifts through the two remaining envelopes, "Oh good, these are both for Frank, he's a reasonable guy, Frank, get your ass out here!"

Frank, in his typical dark suit, and look of long suffrance walks out onto the stage, offering a brief wave to the audience, before walking over to his seat, "Hello boss, good to see you."

"Frank, all I have to say is that I have interviewed Snape and Rabbit and thank god it's you," Lily says with a relieved smile, "Now, Frank, I have two questions for you from our wonderful reviewers, first, from Kain Vixenheim, 'How do you think it's possible that Lily's the Wizarding Savior?"

Frank looks rather taken aback and somewhat blank, finally after too long of a pause, he asks in return, "Well… Who else would it have been?"

"Fair enough, last question, from AlleyKat2014, and it is… No, no, I am…" Lily throws the question over her shoulder without further ado.

"What, what was it?"

"You don't want to know," then seeing both Gilgamesh and Frank's curious expressions, Lily says, "What class would you play in Dungeons and Dragons?"

Lily sighs, stands up, "That's it, I'm done, congratulations Frank, you're the new god and or talk show host, Gilgamesh, I am severely underaged but I think it's time I took you up on that wine…"

And just like that Gilgamesh and Lily walk off the stage, the audience cheering, as Frank, poor whipped Frank, is left there by himself, the new talk show host of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction"

* * *

Starring:

The Carnivorous Muffin as The Previously Written Representation of the Carnivorous Muffin, Rest in Peace

Lily as The Temporary Host and Paula

Wizard Lenin as Simon

Light Yagami as He Who is Out of the Murder Closet

Anna Jones as She Who was Probably Shot in the Head

L as He was Shot in the Head

Gilgamesh as Randy

Wizard Trotsky as The Tom Riddle Nobody Likes

Eru Lee as The Master and Oblivious God

Uchiha Obito as The Apprentice

Light and Shadow of the Distant Sun as One of the Most Enigmatic and Intriguing Spin Off Characters

Uzumaki Kushina as The One Who Wears the Pants

Namikaze Hari as She Who Crushes Hard

Namikaze Naruto as He Who is Oblivious

Uchiha Sasuke as Hari's Boyfriend

Bucky Barnes as The Manchurian Candidate

The One Ring as The One Who Doesn't Even Understand Why He's Here

Luke Skywalker as The One Who Didn't Even Answer the Question

Aleskander as The Albanian Vampire King

Severus Snape as A Very Broken Man

Dead Last as Dead Last

Frank as Your New Host

* * *

 **Author's Note: Just so you know, JunePerfection ask that Lily take over as host, so the death of The Carnivorous Muffin as a written avatar, not entirely my fault. Also, how is this fic still a thing?**

 **Thanks for reading and reviewing, reviews are much appreciated.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own all of the fandoms.**


	6. Episode Five: Quest for the Muffin

Today's chapter of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" is brought to you by the 4000th review of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" by AlleyKat2014, who really really really wanted some questions answered, goddammit Muffin!

It is also brought to you by this public service announcement from the Muffin herself, "Dudes, you realize this is a Q&A fic, right?"

* * *

Normally, backstage of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" is a chaotic merging of worlds which should not have any business touching one another.

One might spot the newly anthropomorphized Sauron from "Eru Lee and the Sundance Kid" dubiously eyeing the newly anthropomorphized Ring from "The Wasteland" who dubiously eyes anthropomorphized Sauron back in turn.

One might also see Uzumaki Kushina from "How I Met Your Other Mother" and Gilgamesh from "The Demiurge" engaging in a drinking contest to settle not only who their respective wife loves more but also to prove their undeniable brilliance to the other and determine once and for all whether a nine-tailed fox or a two-thirds god has a better alcohol tolerance.

One might even see Dead Last try to find a fellow straight man in the constant comedic pairing that is standard in The Muffin Verse but constantly find himself running into either Senju Tobirama or more often than not some variation of an unamused Tom Riddle.

Today though, is a special day, in that it is the chapter following The Carnivorous Muffin's written avatar's untimely suicide in front of a live studio audience (rest in peace), and after the events of last chapter, none other than chronic whipping boy Frank the vampire secretary, has been chosen as the new talk-show host.

"Alright Frank, you can do this, you have been preparing your whole life for this moment," Lily stands before him, handing him the stack of letters that had mysteriously appeared in the chaos that is backstage and had to be rescued from pop-culture references gone wild, "This Frank, is the big one, your shining moment!"

Frank, being whipped, can only smile with a somewhat wide-eyed, almost paralyzed, look on his face as he numbly takes the stack of letters.

"This is the dumbest thing we have ever done," chronic skeptic tag-along Wizard Lenin is distinctly unamused as always, glaring down at the letters, Lily, and Frank in turn.

"No, Lenin, the dumbest thing you have ever done was mistaking my mom for me in the past and then deciding to get petty revenge and blowing yourself up in the process," Lily responds, revealing very recent spoilers from "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" where we finally learn just why Wizard Lenin sticks his head into the sand like an ostrich and makes strange comments regarding Lily Evans every now and then. For those members of the audience who have better things to do than read "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" (but somehow don't have better things to do than read "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction"), Wizard Lenin was essentially trying and failing to avoid an existential crisis on a massive and personal scale.

Unfortunately, this failed completely, and now at least subconsciously he must recognize that his life is utterly pointless and everything he has ever been and likely ever will be revolves around Lily.

For the sake of this story though, he's still in sweet denial, "We are not discussing that here!"

"I don't know, Lenin," Lily remarks blandly and entirely unamused, "It was a pretty large deal, I mean chapter wise it was even a large deal, people have been waiting over fifty chapters for that sucker."

"I do not care how long they've waited, we're, not, talking, about it!" Wizard Lenin says, pausing for emphasis dramatically in between his final words in the type of tone that, coming from Severus Snape in a classroom, would have had Neville quaking in terror.

"Well we've got to talk about it sometime," Lily grouses but holds up a hand to forestall Wizard Lenin's complaints, "But alright, fine, that's probably best saved for canon anyways. No use rehashing it in here after all, even if you did blow your self with petty vengeful green death lasers."

Wizard Lenin opens his mouth for some truly scathing retort, but Lily pauses as she hands the last stack of envelopes to Frank, a concerned look on her face, "Oh, oh no, this can't be right."

"What can't be right?" Frank asks, clearing his throat and finally getting a word in amongst the bickering.

"These are for The Carnivorous Muffin," Lily states, then, seeing the looks of disinterest and blank comprehension on Wizard Lenin and Frank's parts respectively, she clarifies, "The Carnivorous Muffin is very dead."

"Then don't ask the questions," Wizard Lenin says with a far too overdramatic sigh that plainly states that no one appreciates the effort he puts into these ridiculous shenanigans, "Honestly, I'm not even sure why we still have a talk show, given that the author is officially dead."

"Well, no, the author clearly still exists," Lily points out, motioning to herself, Lenin, and Frank, "We're still here, I mean, still talking. So, someone up there is pushing all the buttons and putting the words to paper. They're just… not here right now."

"More's the pity," Wizard Lenin grouses, conveniently ignoring the fact that were this story or any of The Carnivorous Muffin's stories, to abruptly end, he would cease to exist in any capacity except the strange fanfics of fanfics floating around as well as fanart.

It is, on the thought of the benign, benevolent, omniscient, and omnipotent writer The Carnivorous Muffin, well within Wizard Lenin's best interests that The Carnivorous Muffin keeps doing what she's doing.

"Still, these are questions that deserve some answer," Lily said as she read through a few of them, "At the very least, people are probably expecting answers."

Although it is important to note that these same reviewers have not received an update to this in months, so they are perhaps used to waiting.

"What kind of a person expects answers from a story like this?" Wizard Lenin asks, "And does this really even constitute as a story? In any general chapter we hardly have a plot, in fact, it was so bland and banal that the author killed her own avatar last chapter and seems to have no regrets."

"You're missing the point," Lily dismisses and then begins to truly think on the topic, "We need… We're going to need some kind of quest, you me, either nine or eleven more people depending if we're going for an 'Ocean's' theme or 'The Lord of the Rings' to go and find The Carnivorous Muffin."

"Why am I going?" Wizard Lenin asks, already knowing it's entirely too late to back out of the fellowship of the muffin now, and because of that Lily doesn't even bother to answer.

"Frank, hold down the fort, we're off to find Godot… I mean God, I mean The Carnivorous Muffin. You know what I mean!" Lily says as she stuffs the remaining envelopes into Frank's pale hands.

Frank stands, cries out desperately as the reality of his situation sinks in, "Wait!"

But it's too late, Lily is pulling Wizard Lenin along through backstage, past backstage into the worlds themselves where somewhere out there, in some distant time or place, The Carnivorous Muffin awaits.

And just like that, the curtains are up, the show is on, and it's time for another chapter of "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction"

* * *

The crowd cheers, welcoming Frank to the stage beneath the truly blinding lights, watching as the poor man squints, swears under his breath, and tries to see out into the audience, "Well, hello everyone."

The audience cheers again, prompted by large signs with neon lights while Frank just grins awkwardly at the noise.

"As you know, The Carnivorous Muffin is unfortunately now deceased, and I have been… volunteered to be our new host," Frank says, the audience cheers and laughs at what is supposed to be a joke but is very much not one, "Yes, yes, it's quite… exhilarating. Truly, a highlight of my day."

It is not, in fact, a highlight of Frank's day but the live studio audience seems blissfully ignorant of this as they tend to be blissfully ignorant of anything happening on this stage. The live studio audience, the true audience should be informed, was bought at a discount rate.

"Right, well, since there's apparently a question for me in here I thought I'd just get started…"

"Where's Lily?" A voice from the audience shouts, Frank pauses as he sorts through envelopes, squinting out beyond the spotlights and trying to see into the dark mass.

"What?" he calls out.

"Where's Lily, Lenin, and Gilgamesh?" a different voice calls out, "I liked when they were hosts."

"Yeah, that was funny!" the first responds.

A general murmur starts and continues, and among the mutterings the consensus seems to be that The Carnivorous Muffin isn't nearly as missed as was previously thought, and most people enjoyed the "American Idol" type panel of judgmental judges far more than the talk-show format previously witnessed in this ongoing dumpster fire that calls itself a story.

"I don't know," Frank calls out, again a tad awkwardly as there's no good way to respond to a dark pit, "I think they're on some sort of quest or something, it's really not important…"

"Well, I think it's important!" a voice cries out.

And for the first time on stage, and perhaps even in any story, Frank loses it and disregards sorting through letters and instead shouts out at the audience, "Well, no one cares if you think it's important! No one certainly cares if I think it's bloody important! We all have to sit down and shut up and take it even if the boss and Tom Riddle are off doing god knows what in god knows what corner of the fandom!"

His words echo, the audience shocked into submissive silence as he glares at them, for once actually looking the part of an intimidating vampire.

"Now, may I please read my own bloody question?!"

There is no response, and in the stifling quiet, Frank opens a single envelope with his name on it and reads, "From AlleyKat2014 who asks, 'What is it like being the new host?"

Frank looks up, blankly at his audience who stares back, he then throws his hands into the air and declares, "I quit, I quit, I am done and I am quitting and…"

"Frank!" Lily darts onto the stage, looking curiously quest-ready in an outfit rather reminiscent of "The Lord of the Rings" or what Lily imagines should belong in "The Lord of the Rings", behind her is Gilgamesh adorned in his trademark golden glowing armor and a smirk that is more than ready to put these wretched mongrels back in their places, as well as Wizard Lenin in his most communist of outfits and looking none too pleased by the current state of affairs.

"Frank, oh good, we're just about to set off and I wanted to let everyone know that I managed to get Wizard Lenin and Gilgamesh to tag along, since, you know, the whole panel thing last time and three's not that bad of a quest number and…"

"Good," Frank says, placing all the letters back into her hands, "These are yours now."

Then, for the first time in his life, in a fic that is so not-canon it's not even funny, Frank grows a spine in front of Lily and walks off the stage like a boss. Leaving Lily, Wizard Lenin, and Gilgamesh standing dumbly in his wake with a quest and a boat-load of questions from readers and reviewers.

* * *

Now Presenting

More from the future of "How I Met Your Other Mother" with focus on Namikaze Hari and Uchiha Shisui

Prompted by Random

By The Carnivorous Muffin

There were a few solid, undeniable, truths in Shisui's life. Well, that was perhaps untrue, there were certainly more than a few. His world, in many ways, had always seemed too rigid and unforgiving since the very beginning. The clan and the village pulling him in opposite directions, neither caring that one day they'd tear him in half.

Those truths, the clan before the village, the village before the clan, were ones that Shisui had had to learn to skillfully navigate so that he was not too far to one side and not too far to the other. Whether he was successful in this was hard to say, there were still grumblings within the clan, but Shisui was not their pawn and unlike Uchiha Obito had not been excommunicated either.

No, he'd managed to land somewhere in the middle, a friend of Itachi who himself would one day be clan head, and with a world of expectations on his shoulders.

Still, better to be balancing on the edge of a knife than to land on one side or the other. Or, rather, on Obito's side because if push came to shove… Shisui would never say it, or at least, not until he had no other choice, but if push came to shove he would choose the village.

He just hoped that push never came to shove.

However, while these thoughts were never far from his mind they weren't exactly what he'd been thinking about right at this moment. There were some other… slightly less integral truths that Shisui couldn't, and wouldn't, deny. One was that the yondaime hokage, Namikaze Minato, was goddamn terrifying and in many ways Shisui's idol. The other was that if there were a pair more terrifying than him, it was his wives, Uzumaki Kushina and particularly Eru Lee. The third was that the yondaime was known for being… almost overprotective of his now sixteen-year-old oldest daughter Namikaze Hari. The fourth, and perhaps the worst, was that Namikaze Hari was very pretty.

Granted, this last one he hadn't noticed for years. Mostly because she'd always been Sasuke's little girlfriend and then suddenly she was Sasuke's older girlfriend and then she wasn't Sasuke's girlfriend at all. He'd always liked her, thought her dry wit, intelligence, lack of Sasuke-worship, and ability to beat Sasuke into the ground was good for the brat. Then she'd become Sasuke and Namikaze Naruto's genin teammate with Obito for a sensei and that'd all been good too, he'd watched the chunin exams and been genuinely impressed by her and the team's performance and that had been about it.

About it until one day he'd looked up and realized that she'd clearly gone through puberty, was almost as tall as Shisui was, and suddenly had become very interesting even to shinobi a few years older to her.

Shisui, unfortunately, being among their number.

The unfortunate part being that while Hari seemed more or less indifferent to this new state of affairs, her terrifying father was not, and if Shisui didn't want to deal with the yondaime at his passive aggressive finest then he should be anywhere other than where he was sitting right now.

Here, of course, being local ramen stand Ichiraku's with Namikaze Hari.

He looked over at her, and she was dutifully focused on her book, almost obsessively so as if to avoid glancing at him, and aside from noting the strange turquoise color of her eyes he noted again that even though she was older now she was still young. Probably too young for him, if he really didn't want to be toeing the line he'd have the decency to wait two more years at least.

Except they weren't even doing anything, he thought to himself, sure they were eating together but they could be eating as friends, had eaten together as friends the week before (except no, that had pretty much been a date too) and as it was until Shisui worked up the nerve to actually do or say anything they might as well just be friends.

"So…"

Her head whipped up, eyes blinking, wide and blue with a hint of green that left him just slightly dazed, "Yes?"

"Nice weather we're having," Shisui finished rather lamely.

She paused, then smiled equally awkwardly back at him, but he still loved the sight of it, "It is, isn't it?"

The awkward, stifling, silence returned between them and Shisui could see Ichiraku himself shaking his head at the pair of them out of the corner of his eye, as if to say, "Oh, these stupid kids and their stupid awkward dates."

"How's Itachi?" she asked, which was a terrible question and they both knew it, her mother kept in close contact with all of her students, both Obito and Itachi, so Hari no doubt knew very well how Itachi was doing.

"Good, he's doing well," Shisui said, which was about all one could ever say for Itachi, with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Good," Hari said with a nod, "Sasuke's still trying to catch up."

That was the understatement of the century, in Shisui's humble opinion Uncle Fugaku had done Saskue no favors in pitting him against his older brother. Where Sasuke had once been an adorable boy he'd turned into a scowling adolescent and then a brooding and scowling young man with a goal that very well could be impossible for him to meet.

Shisui would wish him the best of luck but he sincerely doubted that it would ever happen, and besides, he had to take Itachi's side on this sort of thing.

He glanced at her again, taking in her usual practical civilian wear that edged on something more tactical. She was a lot like her father in that respect, in many respects, he could see her mother in her from time to time, in her biting sense of humor and her lack of patience, but it was the yondaime hokage that Shisui always thought Namikaze Hari most resembled.

And he decided if he was going to hell he might as well do it in style, "Say, Hari, what do you say you and I go to a real restaurant tonight?"

And while Namikaze Naruto would no doubt have been offended over the idea of ramen not being real food, Namikaze Hari just smiled and then grinned, as she realized precisely what Shisui was getting at. And if she could smile at him like that, it couldn't be such a bad thing, could it?

* * *

"Do I even want to ask where we are or where we're going?" Wizard Lenin, skeptic and critic of any quest no matter the shape or size, is already very clearly not having a good time as he, Lily, and Gilgamesh march through Lily's own home universe of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" searching for The Carnivorous Muffin.

"It's not about where we're going, Lenin," Lily says with an overdramatic and rather aggravated sigh, "It's about the journey, you have to remember that none of this is really happening, so things will just plod along and if we keep walking long enough and hit all the necessary plot points there's a very good chance we'll find God."

It is to be noted that being in fourth wall breaking dumpster fire like this one, Lily has become even more genre-savvy than ever before, whether her companions at all appreciate this is an entirely different story.

"That is not how that works," Wizard Lenin grouses, and then appears to remember just kind of a world he lives in as his expression darkens, "Or at the very least it shouldn't be."

"Nonsense, brother, it has been far too long since I have been on a quest like this one. Not since Enkidu was alive, I think, have I embarked on this kind of a journey," Gilgamesh, needless to say, is in much higher spirits as he imagines taking on gods left and right with his new regrettably twelve-year-old wife in the place of Enkidu and with his mongrel of a brother-in-law tagging along.

Given that they're in Scotland, he's likely to be disappointed.

"Are you going to storm off again?" Lily asked, "Because that's getting kind of old Lenin, you have to learn to go with the flow, like I do. So, life is fake, big deal I knew that even when I wasn't a part of this show. So, none of us are actually real thinking beings and are typed up on some laptop, again, it's more than what I expected from the universe and actually does give our lives a shocking amount of meaning. So, the avatar of God died last chapter, well… That one actually is a slight problem."

Wizard Lenin just grits his teeth, much to Gilgamesh's amusement, and is clearly trying not to think too deeply on the existential horrors that Lily seems to have accepted with alarming ease.

"No, I am not going to storm off again," he says even as through the road that winds itself through the village of Hogsmeade they finally make their way closer and closer to Hogwarts itself, great and imposing and having all the trappings of reality with none of its complications.

And in this strange mesh of worlds, somehow Lily in her homemade armor, Gilgamesh in his golden and divine form, and Wizard Lenin the communist, do not look so out of place as they should on this yellow brick road of theirs.

"I'm not sure I trust that," Lily says, eyeing her partner in crime critically, "So I'm just going to read all your questions now before you can sprint in some other direction."

"I have questions?" Wizard Lenin asks, apparently forgetting just how popular he is, or how much people enjoy seeing him uncomfortably squirm.

"Sure, why wouldn't people ask you questions?" Lily asks in turn, apparently forgetting that last time Wizard Lenin stormed off in a rage after responding to most questions with expletives too strong for a T-rated fanfic to go mope with Uncle Death off stage.

"Right, well first one's from pixelherodev, 'If you had some way of going back in time and making it so you never met Lily – but were also never trapped in her head, and as such capable of carrying out your revolution – would you?"

"Yes," Wizard Lenin says without hesitation, eyes glaring forward at the gates of Hogwarts growing closer as the three approach the castle.

"What?" Lily asks, eyes wide and alarmed and more than a little hurt and angry with Wizard Lenin's callous response, "Seriously?!"

"My life would be so much less complicated, so much more sensible, so much more meaningful without you in it," he hisses, and part of this is the frustration of the current time and place, but there is a thread of a deep, dark, genuine hurt and fear in this statement. For Wizard Lenin as he is, is intrinsically shaped and chained to Lily, everything he is or does is in fact hers and even his greatest of dreams and ambitions pales beneath her dark shadow.

But this is a complicated question with a complicated answer, one that Wizard Lenin in this time, place, and world is in no position to truly complicate. So instead Hogwarts looms over this strange trio, as Gilgamesh smirks, Lily pales and glowers, and Wizard Lenin glares right back as if he means every word and then some.

Some things in this world are not meant for mere question and answer fics.

Gilgamesh, sparing a glance towards Lily, softer than he should be capable of remarks, "Remember, Lily, that at his heart he has always been a mongrel."

Lily says nothing, closes her eyes and swallows, then opens them again and tosses the one envelope aside and tears open the next, reading it tonelessly, "This is from AlleyKat2014, they want thoughts on something called 'Danganronpa'."

Lily then throws the envelope aside without a word as neither The Carnivorous Muffin who writes nor Wizard Lenin have seen Danganropa and thus have no thoughts to give on it. The gate is then in front of them and Wizard Lenin works to unlock it even as Lily continues to tonelessly read, rage and hurt still bubbling beneath the surface of her pale skin.

"Again, from AlleyKat2014 (AlleyKat2014 has a lot of questions), 'Of all the crossovers of your Fanfiction with other fandoms that you appear in, which one do you hate the most and which one do you think is the weirdest?"

"This one," Wizard Lenin says with an edged calm that matches Lily even as he forces open the gates, "I loathe this one most of all, even more than the 'My Immortal' crossover where I lost my mind and all capacity of thought, this, this, is what I truly hate!"

And this, for all Wizard Lenin's tantrums and biases, is perhaps not wrong. Because here there is no hiding from what you are, Lily, Wizard Lenin, and all the others are forced to perceive themselves in ways that they no doubt did not wish to. It can be a troubling thing, to see past all your own pretenses.

Gilgamesh however has done all this before in his own side fic so can only give a bemused glance in Wizard Lenin's direction, "Brother, even a mongrel such as yourself should know when to be gracious. You're acting like a child."

"I do not need to be lectured by you," Wizard Lenin says as he pushes open the gates and the trio wanders inside, Hogwarts students stopping, gawking, and sometimes fleeing at the sight of them.

"My wife is far too lenient on you to do it herself, so it seems the task must fall to me," Gilgamesh says with a rather put-upon sigh, as if it is just like a mongrel to force someone of his stature to lecture them on public displays of rage.

"Look, this is all great, but AlleyKat2014 has some more questions like, 'How many chapters of this do you think you can endure before you snap and go insane?"

Wizard Lenin stops midstep, miasma whirling about his feet, and turns to Lily to tower over her with eyes burning in unholy light, "Was that a rhetorical bloody question?!"

"Yes?" Lily asks, naturally not knowing, but either way the answer is more than clear that Wizard Lenin hit his existential limit about three chapters ago.

Wizard Lenin seems to deflate at this, realizing perhaps how ridiculous he looks or else that he's terrifying the nearby children, and sighs asking, "How many more of these?"

Lily flips through her stack of envelopes, "Only four more, that's not so bad."

"Fine, fine, let's hear it," Wizard Lenin says, rolling his eyes skyward, "God knows it's not like we have anything else to do in this ridiculous place than wander around answering inane questions."

"Okay then, from Vickeynessz, 'There's a fan film coming out documenting your years at Hogwarts titled 'Voldemort: Origins of the Heir'. How do you feel about that? Offended? Interested? Disgusted?" Lily asks before blinking as they step into the castle, still ignoring the students fleeing in every direction, "Wow, I didn't realize you had a film, I wonder if it's any good."

For readers' information, The Carnivorous Muffin has heard that the fan film was god awful and mostly laughable and has no actual desire to see it herself given the descriptions as well as some of the plot elements.

"I'm sure it's trash," Wizard Lenin responds, because at this point nothing amuses him, and as far as Wizard Lenin is concerned a film about his youthful life would be mostly uninteresting if only because The Carnivorous Muffin does not head-canon baby Death Eaters and what have you but imagines that aside from the chamber debacle and familicide, Tom Riddle spent most of his time at school going to school like a normal student.

Wizard Lenin's revolutionary exploits and what have you don't occur until years after he graduates, and the memory of Tom Marvolo Riddle has faded.

"Right, well, oh, this next one's by burntdream and… I don't think you'll like it," Lily says as she reads the words, "But I guess there's no time like the present so, 'How creeped out are you by your own obsession with Lily—because let's face it, Trotsky is a version, a face of you—and how do you feel about your future liaisons with Bellatrix? If held at gunpoint, wand point, whatever, would you choose the crack head or your former redhead host, of whichever age?"

"I would murder you both in cold blood and leave your bleeding carcasses for the vampires," Wizard Lenin answers by not answering the question at all, because in this fic, that's about all you can expect from the man.

More, regarding the question period, there are some things that for very good reasons Wizard Lenin prefers not to think about.

"Perhaps a worthy answer, mongrel, for I would not share my wife," Gilgamesh chimes in, needlessly reminding everyone of his presence, and the plot of "The Demiurge" while he's at it. In case you somehow forgot that Gilgamesh and Lily got drunkenly and dubiously married in a karaoke bar.

"Twelve, Gilgamesh," Lily reminds him with a somewhat strained smile, "I am currently twelve… Why does everyone keep forgetting that?"

If Wizard Lenin is doomed to be miserable then Lily is doomed to be creeped upon while ridiculously underage.

"Well, anyways, this is from Guest, 'If you had to choose between reading Twilight, some cringy yaoi fanfic, or having to read a Captain Underpants book for the rest of your life which would you choose?"

"The hell is yaoi?" Wizard Lenin balks, not being a connoisseur of fanfiction himself.

"Gay fanfiction softcore porn," Lily summarizes, which misses the greater idea of the word but does get to its specific usage, leaving Wizard Lenin with a very difficult choice indeed, as for him all of these things would be toxic.

After a moment too long, he finally says with a slight shudder, "I'll take the glittering vampires, because at least in that there's no underwear to be found. There's only one left, right?"

"Yup," Lily announces, popping the 'p' on the end of the word as they step into the great hall, each looking for some sign of The Carnivorous Muffin, "From AlleyKat2014, again, 'Who do you hate more: Trotsky or Gilgamesh? What is the reason for your answer to this?"

Wizard Lenin sighs and shudders as he asks, "Must I rank these equally vile things in my head for the amusement of this banal audience?"

"It seemed pretty clear, there is a clear ranking, with reasoning, that's supposed to be happening here," Lily says and this truly appears to be a difficult choice for Wizard Lenin. For a moment his eyes linger on Gilgamesh and seem to settle there as he takes in the man's undying and overwhelming arrogance but then they move, because of course, there in the doorway, is none other than Wizard Trotsky.

"Oh no," Lily says, "Oh dammit! I knew he was going to show up eventually, but did it have to be this soon?!"

"You knew?" Wizard Lenin accuses but Lily just waves the envelopes.

"His were next in the pile, he has questions to answer, that's probably why we're walking through bloody Hogwarts first thing! Oh goddammit! Forget it, Lenin, I have your answer, I hate Trotsky the most because he is the worst! Oh my god, he is the worst!" Lily, falling to her knees in despair, has no issues figuring out who she likes the least in this duo. Lily will take Gilgamesh (pun intended) any day of the week over Wizard Trotsky.

"Lily, what a thoroughly pleasant surprise," Wizard Trotsky asks as he strolls over towards them with a grin, before his eyes land on Wizard Lenin, "And Lenin, what a thoroughly unpleasant surprise."

"Shouldn't you be crying in despair in some seedy brothel?" Wizard Lenin asks in turn.

"You burnt the brothel down," Wizard Trotsky drily retorts, having far less shame than Wizard Lenin and seeing no need to refute the crying in despair portion of the statement, "Besides, I could hardly stay there forever, now could I?"

The look on Wizard Lenin's face says that yes, it would have been very nice if Wizard Trotsky had simply stayed there and burned to death, indeed what a brave new world that would have been.

"If I ask the questions he might leave," Lily whispers then to Wizard Lenin, "He left last time, and if we don't ask them he'll have to stick around for vague plot related reasons."

Dungeons and Dragons, we discovered last time, was enough to drive off even the most determined of suitors.

"Oh, I don't intend to be driven off quite that easily," Wizard Trotsky says with his most blindingly charming smile, perfectly at place within Hogwarts, yet somehow legitimately terrifying despite the ease with which it falls on his aristocratic features.

Lily's smile is tight, her eyes burning, as she asks, "Alright, Trotsky, this is from AlleyKat2014 who asks, 'Who do you hate more: Lenin, who has spent over a decade with Lily, or Gilgamesh, who slept with her after they got drunk and declared that they were married?"

Wizard Trotsky blinks for a moment, considers the pair with Wizard Lenin's glower and Giglamesh's challenging raise of his golden eyebrows, and answers, "Oh, Lenin, easily. Gilgamesh and I bonded last chapter, he may be swine who took advantage of you…"

"You are one to bloody talk," Lily interjects rather bitterly but Wizard Trotsky conveniently pays no mind.

"However, Lenin deserves a special place in hell," the blinding smile returns, "Was that the one that was supposed to drive me off never to return? I must say, I'm a bit disappointed, surely you can do better than that."

Lily looks at the next question with burning, determined, eyes as if this single question will be her saving grace that will drive Wizard Trotsky off from whence he came, "This is from Vickeynessz, 'There's a fan film coming out documenting your years at Hogwarts, titled, 'Voldemort: Origins of the Heir'. How do you feel about that? Offended? Interested? Disgusted?"

"I can't honestly say I give a damn."

And it is clear that this time Wizard Trotsky is going nowhere, that Lily and her fellowship are now doomed to be three instead of four, and that this time author intervention and plot will not save her. Perhaps she should have known better, for nothing good ever happens to Lily inside the walls of Hogwarts.

All she can do is fall to her knees, letters in hand, searching for a god who is both fickle and indifferent, and cry out in wordless despair at the cruel nature of the reality she calls anything but.

* * *

Now Presenting

More of Lee and Obito from "Finishing the Hat" visiting Pluto from "Lily and the Art of Divine Responsibility" and "Light and Shadow of the Distant Sun"

Requested by Someone at Some Point

"I wish that it hadn't come to this."

Obito was standing, outside in the barren dark wasteland, staring up at the distant stars that were both familiar and not. Turning his head though he found himself looking at the strange blonde local, the alien with the dark eyes and an appearance so very human and yet not quite, as well as a younger Eru Lee.

She was an adolescent again here, dressed in strange, English clothing, but her eyes were as old as they ever were. Filled with cold, distant, starlight and the indifferent light of the cruel universe. The god of death, Obito thought, peered out of those eyes.

The man, the light and shadow of the distant sun, was bleeding.

Neither could see Obito, as if a veil of shadows passed between them, or perhaps it was because even now, with his eyes in the real world closed and his mind drifting among dreams, Obito could recognize that this was a moment that had come and pass without him in it. For now, he lingered, as he lingered in that twilight world of 'might have been' where Eru Lee did not exist and no one had come for him in Madara's cave.

The man tried to smile, but it was marred by pain and his swiftly approaching death, but his eyes… Obito knew those eyes, they were his eyes, staring up at Rin that final time with boulders crushing down upon his body.

Trying to memorize and hold onto every final second while the end approached far too swiftly.

"When you see your other people…" he began, his voice rough, coughing in the middle as dark blood spurted from his lips while the adolescent, civilian, Lee only stared, "When you see your other people remember us and what we died for."

For a moment she stared, then her lips stretched into a smile, a grim one that was both pained and pleased by the irony of this moment as she said, "But I don't know what you died for."

And he smiled, forced himself to smile, and Obito… Obito could see everything in that smile, every ounce of life the man had ever had or would have, and then it was gone and the man's eyes were glazed over and his body still.

Obito, gasping a breath in as if it had been his body, woke up.

He glanced over to where Lee was still sleeping, buried beneath a pile of blankets, and then out into the dark. It was hard to tell if it was supposed to be day here or not, everything was so very dark, but he supposed it was close enough.

With a sigh, realizing that after that he was hardly likely to get any sleep, he exited their small building to get a better look at this strange alien village they'd found themselves in. Or at least, that was the plan until he found none other than the star of his dream waiting outside.

" _Shit!_ " Obito exclaimed before switching to English, "How long have you been standing here?

"It was no bother," the man replied with a polite smile, failing to answer the question at all which Obito took to mean nearly the whole night.

Of course, Obito hardly blamed him, Konoha would have done the same although they would have at least been subtler about it. But these people, for all their chakra, didn't quite scream shinobi to him, and more he got the feeling that he and Lee were something of an oddity.

That they didn't have visitors from Earth too often.

"Ah, well, you could have knocked," Obito offered before elaborating, " _Shishou's_ still sleeping but I can get her up if…"

The man held up a pale hand, "Ah, no, this is fine."

"Right," Obito said slowly, wondering if the fact that the man was more than fine with Obito alone should make him nervous. There was something about this man, more than just his chakra, that put Obito ever so slightly on edge.

Perhaps the man realized this, as his smile took on an edged, almost smirking quality.

Obito with a small nod, took a small step forward, towards the great statue of the adolescent Lee-shishou watching over them all with all the benevolence and wrath of a god. The man, of course, stepped with Obito and kept pace.

"I have wanted to talk to a human," the man said after a moment, "I have not had much of a chance, and years ago, when I had the chance I had little interest."

"Really," Obito said, again not quite sure how he felt about it, he supposed it made sense but something about the way the man said it made him feel like a specimen on display.

"God rarely travels with humans, though she visits their world frequently enough," he said with a nod, "They… disappoint her often, I think."

"Well, _Shishou_ has yet to be disappointed as far as I know," Obito said with a truly awkward grin, eyes drifting to the statue then back to the man.

"Yes, she seems fond of you," the man agreed, but there was something distant in his tone as he said it. It was hard to read his expression, his eyes, impossibly dark and large, were different enough that Obito couldn't parse what he was thinking.

"We're close," Obito simply said, "We have been for a while."

"She came back for you, didn't she?" the man finally asked, and they were at the edge of the village now, the statue still off in the distance but closer than it was.

"What?"

"She came back for you in the darkest of places, where even the light of the stars could not touch you, and she was the rising of a second sun inside the place where you expected to die," the man said, and then his smile grew, something biting and bitter, "You know, Obito Uchiha of _Konohagakure_ , she did not come back for us."

Obito stopped walking, felt his sharingan flicker to life, taking this man in and breaking him down piece by piece even as softly, warily, he said, "I'm sorry."

"It was years ago now," the man dismissed, and just like that the moment was gone, and Obito's sharingan flickered out.

The smile was softer as they walked forward, his gaze lingering on the statue, "And for all her protests, for all her angst, the statues still remain."

Obito nodded, before taking it himself, far larger than the hokage monument, and noted a bit drily, "Still, it's a bit much, isn't it?"

The man laughed, the sound of it ringing against the village buildings as well as the mountain range itself, and for all Obito's feeling of unease, he too, couldn't help but smile and chuckle at least a small amount.

Because if there was ever a god who despised prayer, it would be Eru Lee.

* * *

Now Presenting

Even more of "The Avengers", "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" style

Requested by AlleyKat2014

"Lily."

"Lenin."

In another time and place this moment would be shared between the two of them, perhaps in Lily's head with anything and everything between them, but instead Wizard Lenin's in his own body and is seated across from her at a truly fancy conference table on the bridge of a giant invisible floating aircraft carrier along with Thor the Norse god of thunder, the apparently kidnapped Dr. Bruce Banner, Tony Stark as this universe's answer to Batman, some guy who called himself Captain America and really liked red, white, and blue spandex, former Soviet assassin Black Widow, eyepatch wearing Nick Fury, and Lily's own tagalong of the silver armed brain washed Terminator who so far other than grunting a few Russian words now and then had been spending an uncomfortable amount of time staring at Captain America.

Every gun in the room had been trained on Wizard Lenin when he'd shown up out of nowhere, but they now predictably found their guns floating and sticking to the ceiling and a ward around the table.

And Wizard Lenin's eyes were a strange, unnatural, burning blue that they had never been before.

"Lily," he started again, "I have come to see if you will be reasonable."

Lily blinked, blinked again, took in the irony of this moment, "Lenin… You do know that you're brainwashed, right?"

He grimaced slightly and hedged, "I'd hardly call it brainwashed…"

"Lenin, you've just agreed to become Loki Laufeyson's love monkey…"

"I am not his love monkey!" Wizard Lenin snapped, at least some of his personality breaking through whatever hold Loki had him under, "His majesty, Loki of Asgard, would never stoop so low as to…"

"Wow," Lily interrupted, "Wow, Lenin, that is… If you could hear yourself talk."

"I can hear myself talk!"

Lily talked over him, "I mean, I am insulted for you. Actually, I'm furious for you, which is why I'm going to bash in Loki's head and take his… Oh, Thor, what did you call it?"

"The Tesseract," Thor chimed in, all muscles and hair and earnestness, "But I would prefer it if you left my brother to…"

"Right, the Tesseract, going to take that and use it as my brand-new paperweight while Loki's mercenary army comes to collect," Lily declared, before looking at Thor to reaffirm, "They are mercenaries, right?"

"Well, he did not fall within the nine realms and…"

"So, they're probably mercenaries," Lily said, wondering just what Loki had managed to promise them to lend him his mind manipulating stick as well as a space army.

"Lily, Loki is not an unreasonable…"

"Too late," Lily said, "I saw him on television, it was ridiculous."

The man had shown up, in Germany, dressed as some kind of demented golden reindeer or ram, and proceeded to tell everyone to shut up and kneel before his magnificence. Lily had been watching the whole thing on television with her brainwashed buddy (who of course during all of this had come to try and fail to kill her again), and that was when she'd been clued into where Wizard Lenin had disappeared to for the past week or so as he'd been staring at Loki in a cross between adulation and cringing.

Because even brainwashing Wizard Lenin with magic, apparently, could not make him appreciate bowing before any man, king, or even a god.

"He has potential, Lily," Wizard Lenin insisted, "He is young, but give him time, give him a kingdom and I have seen…"

"Isn't he three thousand years old or something?" Lily asked, her brow furrowing, "You're a lot younger than he is."

Across the table Tony Stark snorted, apparently having decided that this wasn't violent enough to need his intervention quite yet, but was instead the most entertaining thing he'd seen all week.

"You're missing the point," Wizard Lenin hissed, clearly at his wits end, well, at his brainwashed wits end. Clealry, Wizard Lenin was not at his best at the moment.

"How am I missing the point?"

"You are doing what you always do!" Wizard Lenin cried out, motioning to their surroundings, to the men and women glaring at him just waiting for the opportunity to strike, "You hang around these morally obnoxious losers, who under any normal circumstance would not have a chance in hell, and you insist on taking their side out of a sense of adventure or else pettiness!"

"Oh no, Lenin, I was going to make Loki regret he was ever born long before I joined up with the Avengers."

"You are not a part of the Avengers Initiative!" Nick Fury, Eyepatch Magoo, said but Lily also paid him no mind because clearly she and Soviet Terminator were very much a part of the Avengers no matter what they had to say about it.

"In fact, if doing it with these losers makes it that much more humiliating for him, then by God I will grind him into dust with the power of love and friendship," she leaned forward, eyes burning into Wizard Lenin's, burning through to the dark god that controlled his heart, "And one day, Lenin, when you remember yourself, you will thank me and spit on his shallow grave."

* * *

"Oh, I am enjoying this so much more than last chapter," Wizard Trotsky says with a smile, walking next to Lily who has been edging closer and closer to Gilgamesh as the move along. They have now exited Lily's world are in transit, between one muffin fandom and the next, but despite the alarming sights surrounding them where the hills of Scotland roll into the Kanto region, none seem at all focused on their surroundings.

Wizard Lenin looks as if he is close to wishing he had never been born or at least that Lily had never dragged him into this mess in the first place, Gilgamesh is looking as if he is beginning to regret agreeing to go on a quest with so many mongrels, and of all of them only Wizard Trotsky is looking remotely pleased with himself.

"Lily, I hate to ask this, but does this quest of yours truly have an end?" Gilgamesh asks, his lack of amusement showing clearly on his face.

"Oh, it will end, trust me it will end, or I will… I will do something very drastic!" what Lily is possibly capable of, of course, is unclear. For of all the characters in this tale Lily approaches her unreality on the best terms, however, that does not mean she has quite grasped how powerless she truly is here.

"Nonsense, we get so little time together," Wizard Trotsky muses, ever the tender and terrifying romantic, "And so little of it when you are yourself in all aspects… I have to treasure what time I get even in worlds like this."

And although he is sincere in this, as Wizard Trotsky is always so desperately sincere in all that he feels, Lily none the less blanches at the very idea of it and begins flipping through letters, eyes reading off a name, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but now would be a great time for Rabbit to show up already."

And speaking of the devil he is suddenly there as if he has always been here. The landscape is still caught halfway between Scotland and Kanto, and yet, they now stand on a great bridge over a raging river, on an island across the water are three brothers standing in the twilight, a dark hooded figure before them.

And like the first star of evening fighting through the rays of the sun, Rabbit is there on the bridge, looking at them with cold fathomless black eyes.

"I shouldn't have said that," Lily immediately says at the sight of him, but Rabbit doesn't move and neither do our quest members, instead they stare at one another waiting for the other to speak.

Rabbit turns his head towards the brothers, the sun reflecting in his eyes, and perhaps it is the light of the sun or perhaps it is something else but for a moment there is… something in his expression, something that covets and yearns with a quiet ferocity.

Lily glances over, but she does not understand this moment yet, so she does not linger and nor do the others. Instead, tearing open the first envelope, she says, "So, Rabbit, I have some questions for you that, well, hopefully you'll just go ahead and answer. First, from Guest, 'What would you do if one day Lily took that train waiting for her in purgatory?"

Rabbit, for a moment, simply stares blankly, then in a quiet voice states, "It makes no difference, there are other worlds than these, and yet in many ways there are no worlds at all."

Lily pauses, taking this in and failing to truly consider it with the weight it deserves, "Alright, well, I'm not sure I get that but… Whatever you say, Rabbit. Next, from BananaPie, 'What is something that you find fun?"

He says nothing, likely because there is nothing to say, he is not a being that can appreciate much less understand the concept of fun in any capacity. Though he wears the form of humanity, twisted into cruel perfection, he hardly has any of its trappings.

Lily glances to her companions, seeing them at just as much of a loss as she herself is, and decides that this question is a lost cause and moves to the next, "Well then, Rabbit, Stranger Harbor asks, 'How long is forever?"

A slight quirking of the lips, "Longer than any world or any universe will last, longer than even God can hope to hold its breath."

If it's possible though, I'd like to ask Rabbit if he would eat the Ghost Pokémon if he were included in that crossover.

Lily, if she's too thrown off by this answer, doesn't show it as she simply moves right along, "Right, well, from AlleyKat2014, again, 'Would you eat the Ghost Pokémon if you were in 'Wearing the Faces of Men'?"

For those not in the know "Wearing the Faces of Men" is a "Pokémon" and "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" crossover that thus far has focused on the all the moral dilemmas of Pokémon and then some. It's also funny.

Rabbit merely cocks his head and stares, whether to prove that he has no idea what she's talking about or else is entirely indifferent is unclear, and perhaps inconsequential. Either way, it appears that Rabbit has nothing in particular to say to this. Rabbit, after all, is a mysterious being of mystery.

Lily just nods slowly, pursing her lips, and clearly wishing she was elsewhere. She opens the final envelope for Rabbit, reads through the contents, and pales, "Oh, oh no, oh I do not want to hear the answer to this one…"

She pauses, stares up at the sky and willing herself courage and determination in the face of all obstacles, then looking directly at Rabbit she asks, "AlleyKat2014 asks, 'Do you have the ability to devour Lily like you do everything else?"

Rabbit stares, as he always stares, but then he does what he does not and should certainly not be capable of. He laughs, and the sound is at once majestic and wretched in its imperfect perfection. It cuts through the river, the bridge, the three brothers, and all of Lily's world tearing it apart as he rakes a pale hand through white hair and falls to hysterical pieces.

And just like that Scotland is suddenly gone, pushed back to some other realm, Rabbit along with it, leaving only Kanto and the world of Pokémon behind.

* * *

Now Presenting

A "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" and "Hellsing" crossover

Requested by danialacharry97

"Goddammit Hellsing!"

Now, normally when walking into the site of a massacre, Lily would like to believe she'd be more alarmed than this. However, it turned out that there were reasons that Frank typically did not go on extended business trips to other countries, and that reason was called the Hellsing Organization.

Frank wasn't necessarily the fastest, strongest, and most intimidating of vampires but what he was good at was lying low and looking for all the world like some pale dweeby accountant who couldn't hurt a fly. What this meant, apparently, was that while the Hellsing Organization was busy ruthlessly eliminating what they deemed to be true undead threats (but in recent years were just a bunch of hooligans pumped up on blood and some sort of inserted mirco chip), low-key vampires like Frank and company could slink under the radar.

It also meant that Frank could keep some of the more arrogant braggarts, or vengeful types, in line. And when he wasn't around, it meant that some of Lily's hench people went and attracted the attention of the Hellsing Organization, which launched the whole "search and destroy" thing, which ended up with Lily having to do a lot of hiring and a lot of clean up multiple times a week.

She was also running out of vampires to hire.

"Ah, I was wondering when you might show up," there on the couch, lounging in a red trench coat, yellow glasses, and a ridiculous hat was none other than the chronic exterminator, the chained vampire Alucard.

"It's been some time, hasn't it?" he asked, his grin far too sharp and jagged to be human.

"Isn't this a bit out of your jurisdiction?" Lily asked in turn, because as far as she'd been lead to believe, if you stayed out of muggle London then the wizarding side was fair game. The Hellsing Organization was beholden to Queen and Country, not to the Minister of Magic.

"My master does not believe in quaint ideas like jurisdiction when it comes to maggot vampires," Alucard said, the grin never dimming, and his hand never leaving the hilt of his polished silver gun either.

"Your master better watch her step," Lily muttered under her breath, still, the vampire cocked the gun all the same and added it at her head.

"Oh, Lily, are you going to make my night interesting after all?"

She considered him for a moment, the gun, and then looked away with disinterest, "No, I don't think so. You can't win against me chained up like this. Plus, loosen those binds anymore and we'll destroy London completely, wizarding and muggle side of it. Somehow, that, I think, is not in your master's best interests."

Alucard said nothing, kept the gun aimed at her head, and she knew that he wanted her to do it as he'd wanted her to do it the first time. He might wear the face of a human but something monstrous and unworldly writhed beneath his human skin, and it was practically dying of ennui in much the way Lily herself was. It, however, had chosen to be chained to human masters rather than face eternity where Lily had simply tied herself to Wizard Lenin and then Hogwarts.

"That's a pity," Alucard finally said, "I was looking forward to a real fight."

"You can look forward to it with someone else," Lily said, and she knew that if he didn't know she was impervious to death, if they hadn't tested that theory and then some the first few times they'd met, that that silver blessed bullet would be in her head and heart right now and they'd do it again.

But it seemed even Integra Hellsing knew when to back off and let things lie, because Alucard was grinning and slinking off into the shadows once again, back to his masters on the other mundane side of London.

And, as usual, Lily was left with the cleanup, "Maybe I should just stop hiring vampires… Or wait for Frank to get back."

* * *

Our four debatable heroes march through the mountains of Kanto, searching for God, and bickering with one another as they are wont to do on any occasion.

"I'm just saying, Lily, that you can't really blame me for overreacting," Wizard Trotsky says motioning to himself as he tries to justify his desperate wiping of her memories and rewriting her as his cousin Morgan Gaunt in recent chapters of 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus', "After all, every time I see you you're callously walking out of my life in one way or another. Is it so bad that I want you to simply… stay, if only for a little while?"

Lily, needless to say, has no answer to this as she hasn't to any of Wizard Trotsky's attempts to speak with her during the journey. There is a cold divide between them, one not to be crossed idly if crossed at all, and it grows wider by the second.

"What was I supposed to do?" Wizard Trotsky asks, throwing his hands in the air, he then looks desperately towards Gilgamesh, his partner in wooing of underage girls in extremely dubious circumstances, "Gilgamesh, you'll support me on this, won't you? What was I supposed to do?"

Gilgamesh for his own part seems now less than pleased that he's being lumped in with lecherous mongrels, particularly the teenage version of his brother-in-law, and merely says, "Perhaps, mongrel, you would consider that you attempted to rewrite the memories of a god. I find that my wife has been unconceivably generous with you."

Wizard Trotsky glowers at this, a dangerous flash passing through his pale eyes, but perhaps he knows enough to hold his tongue as he looks away, up into the mountains, where perhaps Mount Moon awaits some unknowing travler.

However, today, that is not our heroes destination.

Instead Lily with a grin rushes forward as she sees a giant talking cat sitting across from none other than Pikachu as well as Metapod, "Oh thank god, they're all here."

Now, why these Pokémon would all be sitting together is a matter of some debate and in itself could no doubt be an interesting story. However, suffice to say, they're here for that magical thing called "writer's convenience" as such are not to be questioned too closely on why on of these beings would hang around the other.

"The cat?" Wizard Lenin asks rather dubiously, as despite knowing the plot of "Wearing the Faces of Men" he's still not entirely willing to trust the sentience of a giant talking burglar cat who seems all too willing to sell his brothers into slavery.

"Meowth!" Lily cries out with a grin as she darts forward, ignoring the cat's look of alarm, "Oh, Meowth, I have a question for you from AlleyKat2014!"

"Hey, what's the big idea?" the cat hisses but Lily pays no mind as she tears open the envelope and reads.

"What are your thoughts on the fact that you, Jessie, and James tried to steal Lily's Brick when it was really her godlike powers that made you smash into a wall?" Lily's face falls as she finishes the question, which has outed her to Meowth, who now blinks in alarmed confusion as he realizes that Brick (now Stack of Bricks) really is just a brick.

"Eh?" he asks, fanged mouth open wide in surprise and dismay.

"I am not responsible for readers' questions," Lily offers blandly in response, ignoring the unamused looks of the rest of her audience, who are more than in the know regarding Lily's power level.

Lily then glances towards the oversized green cocoon, "Oh, I'm supposed to get Metapod's answer too, apparently."

Metapod stares with all the blandness that a giant green cocoon can muster, which is quite a lot, and responds with an unenthused, "Metapod."

By which he undoubtedly means that this is old-hat and no one cares anymore, Meowth probably would translate this, but he's too busy having his horrified epiphany over what exactly this means that Brick is not a brick at all and that Lily is only wearing the face of men.

"Right," Lily says at this rather boring scene in front of her, "Well, Pikachu, one last question from AlleyKat2014 for now, 'Will you ever agree to battle for the benefit of Lenin?"

Pikachu glances towards Wizard Lenin who stares back with equal unamused indifference, his eyes then slide back to Lily, and it's more than clear that the answer for now, is a dignified "no" on both ends of that equation.

So, in this awkward silence Lily merely nods her head, clapping her hands together, and offering a few empty words to wrap up this strange obligatory moment in time, "Good talk, good talk."

* * *

Now Presenting

A Fragment of the "Star Wars" and "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" Crossover that is Rather Unlikely to Actually Happen (And is Secretly "Dune")

 _A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct. This every sister of the Bene Gesserit knows. To begin your study of the life of Muad'Dib, then, take care that you first place him in his time: born in the 57_ _th_ _year of the Padishah Emperor, Shaddam IV. And take the most special care that you locate Muad'Dib in his place: the planet Arrakis. Do not be deceived by the fact that he was born on Caladan and lived his first fifteen years there. Arrakis, the planet known as Dune, is forever his place._

From "Manual of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan

Frank Herbert, Dune

The girl, Eleanor Lily Potter, Muad'Dib as she had jokingly referred to herself when she'd introduced herself to Anakin and his mother, was not from Tatooine. Of course, few were from Tatooine, it was a planet of slaves and smugglers, everyone was from everywhere else.

Still, Ellie was from even further than that, past the furthest edge of the outer rim and maybe even past the galaxy itself. Muad'Dib, they said, came from nowhere and nothing.

All Anakin knew was that one day she'd been brought to Tatooine as a slave. Except, no, he'd asked her once and she said she'd walked out of the desert. He'd always thought that was some sort of strange metaphor, she was very fond of elaborate and strange metaphors, but he thought sometimes that she really meant it.

That just one day, out of nowhere, she'd walked out of the desert and into Mos Espa where she'd been taken in as a slave by Gardulla the Hutt.

Anakin hadn't known her then, hadn't even heard of her, no one had at that point. She was a slave like any other, like Anakin himself was for Watto, except that they said she hadn't spoken a word of Basic at the time.

Except they would, all too quickly everyone would have heard of her, and everyone would know her name and either whisper it with reverence or curse it in despair and fear. Anakin had been cleaning parts for Watto when he'd felt it, the moment that Ellie must have decided to act, because it felt as if a door had swung wide open and a great painful light had flown in.

And in the light, he could see her, blood and oil streaked across pale cheeks, red hair flying unbound behind her in the desert wind, green eyes burning, standing over the shattered bodies of droids and bounty hunters, freedom trailing behind her as a great and undeniable shadow.

Anakin thought he had known in that moment, before anyone else, that one day she'd be an empress.

So even after the slave rebellion with her single handedly at its head, even after the deaths of all the Hutts and the coronation of her by the remaining slaves and wary smugglers, even after she turned parts of the desert into strange vibrant life with powers that bordered on miraculous, he knew that one day she'd come for him.

And less than a year later she did, standing barely taller than himself, her hair just as red, her skin as pale, and her eyes as green as he remembered.

"Anakin Skywalker?" she'd asked in a voice that still held its unfamiliar accent, and even though she was dressed so similarly to him, in simple, plain, clothes of a working slave, she looked every inch the childlike god empress that people called her.

He'd blinked and nodded, and she'd smiled, a delighted strange grin that looked at odds with the otherworldly light that shone out of her eyes.

"I'm Eleanor Lily Potter, known to my recent friends and enemies as Muad'Dib, the Little Mouse, conqueror and empress of Tatooine," she took her hand in his, and for a moment he felt… he wasn't sure, only that it was more than he had ever felt before, "The universe told me to come and find you, there's work to be done, Anakin."

* * *

"I think we might be lost," Lily declares this far after the fact that our fellowship of now somewhat weary heroes, had indeed gotten lost. Though it's hard to get lost when you don't know where you're going or what you're looking for, yet somehow the group has managed it because their surroundings don't resemble any fandom that The Carnivorous Muffin has dabbled in.

They are instead a strange warping of reality, indescribable, that sets each and every party member inexplicably on edge.

"We must have taken a wrong turn somewhere…" Lily says, trailing off as she looks left, right, and then behind her as if that might somehow point the way towards a better and brighter world than this.

"How could we have taken a wrong turn?" Wizard Lenin asks.

"Well, I don't know, Lenin, except we clearly did!" Lily points out, but then sighs, after all, perhaps this sort of thing is expected when one goes looking for God amongst mortal things. Either way, the group loiters, waiting for something, anything, to happen.

Lily then notes the envelopes in her hand, dwindling, yet still a healthy sized stack despite all the questions asked so far. Sighing she picks one up, notes her own name, and tears it open, "I guess I might as well start going through mine while we're stuck here. These are all from Vickeynessz, 'What do you do in your free time; do you have any hobbies? Do you think you could ever convince Rabbit to eat something for you, like Hindenburg? What's the most annoying thing about Lenin, and the best thing about Lenin? What's the least Lenin-like thing Lenin has ever done?"

"Well, that's a lot of questions," Lily mutters, more to herself than anyone else as all her companions have marched away in different directions, looking for some sort of exit, "I don't think I have any hobbies really, unless periodically saving England and or Hogwarts is a hobby… As for Rabbit, well, his eating things is bad so I'd prefer not to ask him. And Lenin…"

She trails off, eyes moving to Wizard Lenin, arms crossed and glaring out into the empty wasteland in the distance, "I don't know, he is… Complicated, and close, and sometimes I love him and sometimes I hate him and it's hard to say why. I just… I don't know."

She tries to smile, but it's a strange sad thing, a desperate quirking of the lips that does not reach her eyes, and it is gone all too quickly as she opens the next envelope, "Alright, from BananaPie again, 'What are the least and most nonsensical things about the universe, according to you?"

"Oh, that's hard," Lily states, as she looks out into the distance thinking on herself, the world, and all her theories regarding it, "There are so many, far too many, things about it that had never made sense. I don't think I can pick one, as for it making sense… I guess I'll say what I appreciate the most about the world, and that'd have be Death and Lenin, because even in their worst moments they're more than the world to me."

She nods, pleased enough by her own answer, then opens the next, "From burntdream, 'How do you feel about being the great Lolita of your generation? Granted, Trotsky seems rather put off you're so young, but probably not as much as he should be. Gilgamesh, in this chapter, still insists you are his wife. What is it about you that enamors your paramours so, do you think?"

Lily blanches, glances towards Wizard Trotsky then Gilgamesh in turn, shuddering, "I honestly try not to think about that too much. But… Well, I don't really know, and I haven't really asked. I mean I guess Wizard Trotsky keeps trying to explain it but… I don't think it's one of those things I can ever really get, no matter how many times he says it."

Indeed, there is a great and terrible irony, that Wizard Trotsky can scream his feelings and thoughts from the highest mountaintop and no one will ever hear him or truly understand. He and Lily, for all his feelings, will never truly touch one another.

Even now, in this empty wasteland, there is a great divide between them.

But Lily pays it no mind, as she has always paid it no mind, and instead opens another envelope, "From AlleyKat2014, 'What would you do if Trotsky and Lenin somehow merged back together into one person?"

Lily blinks, blinks again, then blandly states, "I'd hope that Lenin eats that son of a bitch alive."

"Oh, last one," Lily says with a smile, brushing off the last envelope labeled with her name, "From Lazyass, 'Have you ever thought or been interested in meeting another entity labeled as 'God' or create of life, the universe, or a sentient race? As to, you know, compare?"

Lily frowns, "I know it'll sound weird but I've never really thought of that, though I've heard rumor that that sort of thing happens in 'Finishing the Hat' if you're interested in that story line."

Lily then sighs happily, waiting for the scene to change, when it doesn't she frowns, "Dammit, I was hoping that would solve something."

She sorts through her pile again before sighing and calling out, "Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh there's a whole pile of questions here for you!"

Gilgamesh glances over, that perpetually amused smile on his face, and yet something softer in his eye as he takes in the form even of his hopelessly underage wife. Still, he walks over, golden and gleaming even in the desolate emptiness, until he is standing before her, "Ah, I had wondered if these reviewers of yours would recognize my presence since it was so lacking last chapter."

"That or your story finished up around the time the last chapter was published so…" Lily starts before shaking her head and trailing off, "Either way this might be the kickstart we need to find out where the hell we're going. First, from BananaPie, 'What is the thing about the modern world that you like the best? Lily doesn't count as an answer."

Gilgamesh laughs, "Well, the wine is dull, your televised plays duller… No, I'm afraid Lily that the answer is you and shall be you, as three thousand years ago the answer would have been Enkidu. This world… it has always been a trying place."

He trails off, thinking perhaps of Babylon and his own tyranny, or else Fuyuki Japan and its strange modern empire that deformed the land itself while Gilgamesh's kingdom wasted away into ruin so that only his tale remained.

"I don't know, I'm a great fan of modern movies myself," Lily says with a grin, but she misses the soft knowing look that Gilgamesh gives her, as she tears open the next question, "From Luna Bass, 'In 'The Wasteland' a younger Lily merges with Cracker Jack (who you have met on this very show) to create a whole new being. What is your overall reaction to this information?"

"That he is a mongrel who undoubtedly deserves a maggot's death," Gilgamesh says without hesitation, fingers tightening then loosening as he considers this idea, "However, I also know that Lily's adventures… Are often strange, and that to peer too far into their depths would only upset me."

Lily laughs, "Well, I can hardly argue with that, still Luna Bass has another question here, 'What do you think of the alternate version of Lily in 'Finishing the Hat?' AKA Adult Eru Lee"

Gilgamesh seems somewhat taken aback by this and asks at first, "Are all these questions in this vein of thought? I can see why my brother the mongrel finds them so utterly tedious."

He then sighs and considers the question as best he is capable, "I can't say I've met the woman, so it's hard to say… I imagine that she, being you in at least some capacity, is certainly worthy of my attention. However, more than that is impossible to say, we belong to two different worlds, this Lee and I."

Then, glancing over at Lily, he asks, "How many of these are left?"

"Just two," Lily says to which Gilgamesh seems perhaps a tad too relieved, this however disappears all too soon as Lily reads, "Luna Bass states, 'In 'How I Met Your Other Mother', Lee has a child that isn't yours."

"Dammit woman, how many men and women have you slept with?!" Gilgamesh asks, apparently hitting his metaphorical limit, even as Lily just shrugs, "Me personally, nobody, but can I help it that all the side fics have put me in other dimensions and aged me up?"

With Gilgamesh, Wizard Lenin, Obito, Kushina, and Minato in the running Lily and or Lee has managed to get herself quite the sexual collection through side-fics alone. And this isn't even delving into those non-consummated pairings that abound.

Still there is a great irony in that Lily in one capacity or another, gets around almost as much as Gilgamesh himself did back in the day.

"And the last question from AlleyKat2014, 'What would your preferred honeymoon with Lily look like?"

Gilgamesh however is standing, still preoccupied by his underaged wife who in the future in other worlds gets lucky numerous times and pregnant others, "We will spend it slaughtering any man or woman cur who dares to look at you!"

And with that, the path opens, and our heroes can finally move past their author imposed purgatory and onto the rest of the fic where interviews and more await.

* * *

In another time and another place, Luna Bass requested that Gilgamesh meet Uncle Death as well as Namikaze Hari, and because this is "The Wonderful World of Fanfiction" both of these events happen at the same time.

"Gilgamesh," Death says dully as he catches eye of the gilded demigod descending upon them with a sneer. Across from him is his niece/granddaughter, Hari, who was named after him and is sipping tea in a place that she has no right to be in.

Gilgamesh, eyes lingering on the pair of them, the girl in particular, seems to have no trouble coming up with exactly who and what they are. Finally, his grimace turns into a sneer, "Hari, my wife's bastard daughter, you must look like your father."

Hari's eyes, which indeed do resemble Namikaze Minato's widen, and then narrow as she bristles beneath his contemptuous glare.

"There are other worlds than these," Death reminds Gilgamesh, but there's something darker in his gaze now as he looks at the man, pale hand squeezing Hari's in reassurance, "It would behoove you to remember, Gilgamesh, that you aren't at the center of any of them, not even your own story, 'The Demiurge' revolved around you."

The Gate of Babylon opens behind him, swords pointed out to be hurled down upon their foes as he asks, "You would dare, mongrel?"

"I am older than you can hope to imagine and have lasted long past the Earth itself, let alone Babylon, turned to dust," Death states, every year held in his voice, "You have no power here, king of Babylon."

A younger Gilgamesh would no doubt have refuted this, a younger Gilgamesh may have even taken the girl to bed if only to prove some sort of terrible point, but this is not a younger Gilgamesh. This is a Gilgamesh after not only Enkidu, but Lily as well. So instead he stares, and he loathes, and then he turns from where he stands so that Death and his granddaughter can only watch as the red of his cloak and the gold of his armor vanish from sight.

* * *

"We must be near the end," Lily says with a grin as the climb a high mountain peak that is also, oddly enough, not in The Carnivorous Muffin's usual repertoire, "Look, all of these ones have written in responses, that it only happens when it's one-off questions to characters that really don't have too much to do with each other."

"I am overjoyed," Wizard Lenin replies, clearly anything but overjoyed, though he should be as it means this blessed chapter is nearly at its close as Lily suggests.

"I bet you God is at the top of this mountain," Lily says, "Like a burning bush, or a divine muffin, or something like that…"

"If you say so," Wizard Lenin instead adds with a shrug, himself and Wizard Trotsky struggling the most with the climb while Gilgamesh scales the face of the mountain with aggravating ease.

"I do say so," Lily says with a grin even as she holds up the next envelope, "I say we'll see the dawn yet. This is to Dead Last from BananaPie again, they asked, 'You said that you feel very unsafe on your team (despite one of your teammates able to bring people back to life), so what would be your dream team? Normal doesn't count as an answer, since, well, do normal ninja even exist?"

Lily flips through a page and then, clearing her throat as she climbs says, "And Dead Last said, 'Normal can be relative, there are teams that are 'more' normal.' Which I guess is an answer now, although it kind of skirts the rules."

"Next, from AlleyKat2014 again, to Alexander from 'The Demiurge', 'What are your thoughts on Trotsky?" Lily says before flipping through yet another page and saying, "Alexander sort of writes a lot of ellipses and then says that Trotsky is… interesting."

"Interesting?!" Wizard Trotsky asks, "What's that supposed to mean."

"I think it means he finds you bizarre and creepy," Wizard Lenin remarks.

"Oh, you are one to talk," Wizard Trotsky spits only to earn a pair of dark raised eyebrows in response.

"I am one to talk," Wizard Lenin retorts mockingly, "You are, after all, my distinctly lesser half."

"Hey, come on guys!" Lily shouts, "Only a few more questions to go here and then you can all start killing each other. This one's from Lazyass again, and it's for Matsuda from 'God of the Machine', 'You just shot L in the head while, in canon you also shot Light several times which, ultimately led him to die. That would make you the murderer of two main characters of Death Note (albeit in different realities of it) so… How does that make you feel?"

"Oh, what did the mongrel answer to that?" Gilgamesh asks, always ready for schadenfreude.

"He kind of didn't, but I think after he heard the question, or maybe before, he was in some bar drinking somewhere," Lily says, not too certain of the specifics herself given that Death Note isn't exactly her fandom, but none the less this is a very accurate assessment of Matsuda's mental state after the horror of killing both Light and L.

The summit is in sight, glowing at the top with the rising sun, and with it the hope of finding God in this strange land of questions and answers and interviews.

"From Lazyass again, this time for Cracker Jack from 'The Wasteland', 'As a once part of Sauron's spirit, do you also possess some memories of his shenanigans previous to your creation, like from the first/second age? If so, what do you think about them?" Lily turns the page, "And Cracker Jack said… Well, he sort of refused to go into it, simply stating that perhaps some things in this world are best left buried."

Which is perhaps fair as that, if anything, is a question to be answered and delved into in "The Wasteland" when it updates again versus this silly question and answer fic.

"And finally, last one," Lily says as they take their final steps towards the glowing summit above even the clouds, "From Strange Harbor, to Luna from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus', 'Do you ever feel overwhelmed dealing with being the de facto second in command of Default along with all the Rabbit watching?"

And with a grin Lily reads Luna's thoughtful and eloquent response, "And she said, 'If I do then I remember that Ellie, for what it is worth, bears far more weight and responsibility than I do or can. And so, in turn, I must do what I can or forever find myself lacking. This is the burden I have been chosen, and choose, to carry."

And in a sense Lily carries that burden now, even with her companions beside her, as they step upwards into the great unknown to meet their maker.

* * *

Now Presenting

The "All you Need is Love" crossover with "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus"

Requested by DaughterofDemeter123

How and why Grunnings would send Vernon Dursley, of all its employees, on a business trip to Tokyo with his family was one of those decisions that was not to be questioned. Similarly, how and why the Dursleys would bring along four-year-old Eleanor Lily Potter with them, rather than dumping her on Mrs. Figg for the duration of their trip, was also a mystery.

None the less, these important facts build the premise of the story, that very early in her life Eleanor Lily Potter was once taken to Japan and then conveniently left behind in a mall at the Dursley's earliest opportunity.

Which was eventually how Naomi Misora, bleeding heart that she was, and crusader of all those trodden underfoot by their fickle and uncaring overlords, ended up finding the girl and taking her to the police. Then when that failed took her to L who as predicted did absolutely nothing except suggest that perhaps Ellie could have a place in Whammy's Dog Fighting School for Boys. And when that finally failed figured that the influence of another child surely couldn't make her own demonic hellspawn of a child even worse and decided to take her home until someone from England finally came for her.

Needless to say, no one from England ever came for her, and somehow, she did make Duck Penber even worse.

"You know, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I do believe we're friends," Duck said as he and Ellie watched Saturday morning cartoons, an activity he had never indulged in, but Ellie was growing to love as the strange epilepsy causing Japanese cartoons were far superior than their English robotless counterparts.

"I just… I didn't think it was possible," Duck continued, "It all seemed highly unlikely that mother would simply stumble across the one person my age who isn't an idiot in a shopping mall of all places."

Ellie simply shrugged as she said, in surprisingly fluent Japanese after only having been living with Naomi, Light, Duck, and Raye for half a year or so, "Well, if it makes you feel better, I think it was just the easiest place for the Dursleys to leave me. Plan B was probably Tokyo Disney."

"Well, Light Yagami, I'm sure, would leave me to rot in some back alley," Duck noted darkly, "Still, at least he makes only the barest pretense of not being the scum of humanity."

Ellie, having Light Yagami's fulltime job as a serial killer with a magical notebook explained to her shortly after having moved in, merely nodded thinking that Light did do a much better job of living up to his Hannibal Lecter standard than the Dursleys ever had. In fact, the Dursleys had been far too wrapped up in the pretense of being normal that they overshot it completely, on any given day, Light Yagami did come off far more normal and charming than Dudders ever had.

So, on the whole, Ellie wasn't quite as upset about being abandoned in a foreign country as you might expect her to be.

"You know, and I say this because you're my friend and this is what friends do, we could… get rid of your biological family, if you'd like," Duck noted as one cartoon giant robot punched a different cartoon giant robot in its robot face.

"You mean murder them?"

"Well, if you want to be crass," Duck said with a sneer of discontent, "But it just strikes me that, after everything you've told me about them, they're not really worthy of sharing blood with you. That and I know I would be rather bitter if I grew up in a cupboard."

"That sounds like a lot of work," Ellie noted, thinking of how two four-year-olds swiftly approaching five would manage to buy airplane tickets to get all the way to England, then plan a murder, and then get away with it and get back to Japan with no one the wiser especially when Raye and Naomi were both in the force in one capacity or another sounded like an awful lot of effort for the Dursleys of all people.

"Nonsense, that's what friends or for," Duck said before frowning, "Or so television tells me."

Lily considered this, nodded slowly, as she was never one to argue with television specials. Then, with a grin, she said, "Maybe over the holidays or something."

And Duck grinned back, and for a moment, Ellie thought it really was nice to have friends.

* * *

"OH CHRIST, IT'S YOU PEOPLE. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

These are the words that greet Lily, Wizard Lenin, Wizard Trotsky, and Gilgamesh on top of some unnamed mountain in some unnamed world. Lily blinks, staring up into the great ball of light that she thought was the sun but may just be The Carnivorous Muffin's new avatar.

"There were questions and things," Lily states, "People expect things of you, and us, and you can't just leave!"

"I WAS MAD AS HELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!" The Carnivorous Muffin's great and powerful voice echoes into the abyss.

Meanwhile Wizard Lenin mutters, "I just find it ironic that even God doesn't want to be here."

"SHUT UP, LENIN," The muffinly god commands, "NO ONE APPRECIATES YOUR SASS."

Except for The Carnivorous Muffin who is in fact writing this scene, who as of this moment with tired fingers and tired eyes, very much appreciates Wizard Lenin's sardonic lack of appreciation for this terrible travesty that masquerades as a story. It is through Wizard Lenin, The Carnivorous Muffin believes, that we can all breathe.

"Yes, but suicide, in front of a live studio audience?" Lily asks.

"IT WAS NECESSARY, THE REVIEWERS ASKED, AND I DELIVERED. ALSO, IT SOMEHOW MADE THE LAST CHAPTER MILDLY INTERESTING."

"Oh lord," Lily cries out, shielding her eyes and squinting away from the light, "Why are you speaking in all caps locks?"

"I AM DIVINE NOW, THIS IS WHAT DIVINE PEOPLE DO. THEY SPEAK IN ALMIGHTY CAPS LOCKS, IT'S INTIMIDATING AS HELL," it is indeed intimidating as hell, the mountain quakes beneath the very sound of it, but Lily and company have travelled a long way and thus are more or less immune to the awe-inspiring effects of caps locks speaking.

"NOW ASK YOUR QUESTIONS SO WE CAN ALL GO HOME," the divine, incorporeal, The Carnivorous Muffin demands of the characters.

"Well, alright then, any objections?" Lily says turning to the other members of her party but they all shake their heads no that this is as fine a time as any to wrap things up already with this very anticlimactic climax to something that really wasn't much of a quest.

Lily, clearing her throat, opens the first envelope and squints in the bright light to read the question, "Um, first, from Vickeynessz, 'On your tumblr you mentioned that the song 'Meant to Be Yours' from Heathers: The Musical was part of your inspiration for Trotsky's character. Are there any other songs/works that you've drawn inspiration from (particularly your LatAobS characters)?"

"TOO MANY, ENTIRELY TOO MANY. MY PLAYLIST IS AN ECLECTIC MESS WHEN WRITING THAT I WOULD NOT WISH UPON ANYONE. AND THAT'S SONGS, THAT'S NOT EVEN GETTING INTO WORKS. OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD… STILL TOO MANY, THIS IN ITSELF IS PROBABLY WORTHY OF A TUMBLR POST OR TWO. THAT SAID I WILL SAY THAT PARTS OF 'PIPPIN' ARE DRAWN FROM AS WELL AS PARTS OF 'SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE', 'INTO THE WOODS', 'MY FAIR LADY', AND WELL, MORE AS FAR AS MUSICALS GO.

IT'S REALLY NOT THE SORT OF QUESTION THAT CAN BE ANSWERED IN A FORMAT LIKE THIS. THERE'S A LIST FLOATING AROUND ON TUMBLR OF VARIOUS INSPIRATIONAL WORKS BUT IF YOU WANT MORE SPECIFIC AND COMPREHENSIVE THAN THAT I'D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT AND WRITE UP SOMETHING FORMAL."

"Also, they asked, 'have you considered doing a Game of Thrones/LatAobS crossover?" Lily cries out now that the voice seems to have stopped.

"HA, HA, HA," the voice laughs though whether out of amusement or pain is anyone's guess, "ONLY VAGUELY AND NOT SERIOUSLY. IT'S NOT A GOOD MIX OF WORLDS AND COMING UP WITH A PLOT THAT I'D WANT, OR BE INTERESTED IN IS A LITTLE TOO MUCH EFFORT ON MY PART WHEN I ALREADY HAVE SO MANY UNFINISHED STORIES IN THE WORKS. SO, I WOULD NOT EXPECT ANYTHING ON THAT END ANYTIME SOON."

"Oh, well, that's good," Lily says to Wizard Lenin, "That place sounds like not fun. Anyways, next, Ambiguity in D Major asked, 'I have to ask if you have ever read Homestuck?"

The answer is swift and immediate and divine in its muffinly goodness, "NO."

"Well, alright then," Lily says, likely not sure what to think on this herself given that she too has no idea what Homestuck is, "Well Random asks, 'There's going to be a new Blade Runner movie soon, right? Are you looking forward to it?"

Note though that with the timing of this question "Blade Runner: 2049" has come and gone from theaters. Still, the question certainly deserves answering.

"I HAVE… THOUGHTS ON THE NEW MOVIE. I THOUGHT IT WAS CINEMATICALLY BEAUTIFUL, AND IT WASN'T A BAD FILM, IN FACT IT WAS ONE OF THE BETTER ONES I'VE SEEN RECENTLY. THAT SAID I WILL BE ONE OF ITS FEW CRITICS AND SAY THAT IT DID NOT LIVE UP TO THE FIRST AND I DID NOT APPRECIATE MANY OF THE CHANGES MADE.

(NOTE SPOILERS HERE, SKIP THE CAPS LOCKS IF YOU CARE).

FIRST, I BELIEVE THEY WERE TRYING TO MAKE A POINT THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN MADE IN THE FIRST FILM AND HAD MADE THESE POINTS BETTER. THE ULTIMATE THEME BEING THAT REPLICANTS AND HUMANS ARE INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM ONE ANOTHER. BATTY'S DEATH AND DECKARD'S AFFAIR WITH RACHEL HAD MORE THAN MADE THIS POINT, IT HAD DONE IT IN A BEAUTIFUL MANNER. HERE IN THIS NEW ONE WE INSTEAD RETCON/REMOVE THE VOIGHT-KAMPFF TEST AND REPLACE IT WITH A QUICK, EASY, SCANNING OF EYES, WE INSERT AN UNSEEN REPLICANT REBELLION, AND WE BUILD THE PLOT AROUND THIS HALF REPLICANT CHILD.

IN DOING THIS WE TAKE AWAY ONE OF THE KEY ASPECTS OF THE ORIGINAL FILM, THAT ONE TRULY CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REPLICANT AND A HUMAN, JUST TO TRY AND REINFORCE THIS MESSAGE INSTEAD WITH REPLICANT JESUS. I FOUND THIS TO BE A RATHER CHEAP TACTIC THAT I COULD NOT APPRECIATE, EVEN IF I LIKED THE BRIEF GLIMPSES OF THE DAUGHTER AS A CHARACTER.

TYRELL, 2.0, SIMILARLY WAS MADE TO BE NEW AND DIFFERENT FROM TYRELL BUT CAME OUT WORSE FOR IT. I FOUND HIS QUASI-RELIGIOUS DIALOGUE TO BE BIZARRE AND UNCONVINCING AND NOWHERE NEAR THE BEAUTY OF TYRELL'S DIALOGUE IN THE ORIGINAL FILM. BELIEVE ME, I AM A FAN OF PHILOSOPHICAL RANTS IN FILMS (AS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WHO ENJOYED 'PROMETHEUS' TAKE THAT AS YOU WILL) BUT IT HAS TO BE DONE WELL AND HE WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I DID LIKE THE ASSITANT REPLICANT FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH BUT IN A WAY, I FELT SHE LACKED DEPTH. YOU MAY DISAGREE WITH ME ON THIS, AND THERE WAS CERTAINLY SUBTLETY IN HER PORTRAYAL THAT I APPRECIATED, BUT I DID NOT HAVE THE SAME CONNECTION TO HER AS I DID THE DESPERATE ANDROIDS OF THE ORIGINAL FILM.

AND THEN WE GET RYAN GOSLING, I DON'T KNOW WHY, AND THIS IS NOTHING AGAINST HIM AS AN ACTOR. BUT I FIND HIM UNBELIEVABLY BORING, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF 'NICE GUYS' AND 'LA LA LAND' EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN HIM IN HAS LEFT ME UNCONVINCED AND REMOVED FROM THE CHARACTER. WHICH, WITH HIM AS OUR CENTRAL CHARACTER, IS NOT GOOD. BUT THIS IS A LESSER PERSONAL COMPLAINT COMPARED TO THE ONES ABOVE.

ANYWAYS, I COULD GO ON ABOUT THIS FOR A WHILE AND THAT'S NOT REALLY HELPFUL TO ANYONE. HERE'S HOW I'LL WRAP IT UP, WAS IT BAD FILM: NO, IT WAS ONE OF THE BETTER MOVIES I'VE SEEN FOR A WHILE. THAT SAID, IT WAS BY NO MEANS THE ORIGINAL BLADE RUNNER. VISUALLY IT PERHAPS MATCHED IT, BUT AS FAR AS THE STORY LINE GOES AND THE SCREENPLAY, BLADE RUNNER WINS HANDS DOWN."

If you managed to get through that caps locks filled rant, The Carnivorous Muffin is quite impressed. As it is our characters on the ground wince at the noise and rub their eyes, clearly wishing they were home already.

"Huh, a new Blade Runner… Not sure how I feel about that either," Lily notes, "Alright, next one, Random asks, 'What do you think of the Kingsman movies?"

"THE FIRST ONE WAS GOOD, I ENJOYED ITS RIDICULOUS PLOT AND KILLING OF EVERYONE. MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD ACTUALLY, I AVOIDED IT LIKE THE PLAGUE AFTER THE TRAILERS BUT THEN EVERYONE KEPT SAYING HOW GREAT IT WAS, SO I FINALLY GOT AROUND TO IT. AND IT WAS INDEED PRETTY DAMN ENTERTAINING. AS FOR THE SECOND IT WAS… THE FIRST BUT WORSE. IT TRIED TO PULL THE SAME SORT OF PLOT AS THE FIRST EXCEPT IT BROUGHT PEOPLE BACK FROM THE DEAD WHICH… EH… SO IT WAS ALRIGHT, BUT AS I SAID, I LIKED THE FIRST BETTER."

As expected, no one has much to say on that, if only because these movies are a bit beyond their time frame, so Lily just moves on to the next question, "From BananaPie, 'What are your thoughts on the My Immortal author reveal? In case you didn't know, apparently it's Rose Christo, a published author who seems like a really cool person and is releasing a book next year which talks about writing My Immortal (among other things, like how she used My Immortal to find her brother in the foster system, as wild as it sounds) (and yup, it was a trollfic)."

The Carnivorous Muffin, a floating ball of light, considers this for a moment and then answers, "HONESTLY, THIS IS PROBABLY A DISAPPOINTING RESPONSE FOR YOU GUYS, BUT I KIND OF DON'T CARE. I KNOW, YOU THINK I WOULD, BUT I REALLY DON'T. I'VE HAD A FEELING IT WAS A TROLL FIC FOR YEARS, AS SHOWN LAST CHAPTER EVEN, AND SO TO ME IT'S NOT THAT GREAT OF A SURPRISE.

OTHERWISE I DON'T REALLY CARE WHO WROTE IT OR TO READ THE STORY OF HOW AND WHY IT OCCURRED. IT PROBABLY IS AN INTERESTING STORY, BUT STILL, AT THIS POINT MY CURIOSITY IS MOOT. THE FIC, HILARIOUS AS IT IS, SPEAKS FOR ITSELF AND I DON'T NEED T HEAR OR SEE MORE ABOUT IT BEYOND THAT."

The Carnivorous Muffin could probably get more into this if it was so desired from the audience, but this distills her basic feelings well enough to the masses for you to chew on as you please. In general, though, The Carnivorous Muffin has always cared less about the actors or the authors than the work itself. A work, in many senses, must stand on its own merit for better or worse.

And, in this case, The Carnivorous Muffin just mostly lacks interest in the true author years after this fic came and went.

"Oh, this is a good one," Lily says reading the new question and showing the other members of her party, who are far less interested than she herself is, "Kain Vixehmeim asks if Frank is really our new host."

"SURE, WHY NOT? SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT."

This answer, for now, can be taken as a yes. Although AlleyKat2014 who specifically requested that this monstrosity be updated, stipulated that Lily, Gilgamesh, and Wizard Lenin should do their panel type thing again. Wizard Trotsky just got pulled along for the ride.

"Well, as long as it's not me again," Lily mutters before reading aloud the next question, "This one's from Guest, 'I am sad to hear we will not see any more of "do Android's dream of electric sheep", I was hoping it would be updated sometime in the future. Of course, I was also still hoping "all you need is love" would update again like some sort of fic-zombie, so perhaps I have unreasonable expectations. Do you plan to finish any of the long fics you started? Or do you think you will get distracted again into something even more complex?"

"OKAY, THERE'S A BIT OF STORY WITH THIS.

FIRST, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW. ALTHOUGH I DO LOOK AT FAVORITES AND FOLLOWS FOR STORIES ONE THING I PAY A LOT OF ATTENTION TO IS REVIEW COUNTS. IT'S A GOOD WAY, EVERY CHAPTER, TO GAUGE INTEREST IN A FIC. THIS ISN'T ME BEGGING FOR REVIEWS, THIS IS ME STATING THAT IF I SEE A FIC ISN'T GARNERING MANY REVIEWS IN A CHAPTER I WILL MARK READERS AS HAVING LESS INTEREST IN THAT STORY. WHETHER THIS IS TRUE OR NOT IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY, BUT AS I SAID, IT'S A GOOD WAY FOR ME TO AT LEAST GAUGE READER INTEREST.

NOW, FIRST, ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. I UPDATED THIS RELIGIOUSLY FOR A VERY LONG TIME BUT REVIEWS, AND I ASSUME, AUDIENCE INTEREST WANED. CRACK FICS CAN ONLY GO ON SO LONG AND PEOPLE WERE GETTING TIRED OF MY JOKES, THEY NO LONGER CARED WHERE I WAS GOING OR WHERE IT WOULD END, AND IN THERE LACK OF CARING I TOO BEGAN TO LOOK TOWARDS THE HORIZON OF OTHER STORIES THAT COULD BE WORKED ON. IT GOT STALE, AND WE ALL KNEW IT.

THEN I RECEIVED A GOOD AMOUNT OF REVIEWS THAT WERE… LESS THAN COMPLIMENTARY FOR MANY OF THE CHAPTERS. THIS WAS ALREADY AFTER I HAD POSTPONED UPDATING FOR A WHILE AND READING THROUGH THEM, ARGUING MANY POINTS TO THEIR DEATH AND CONCEDING THAT A FAIR NUMBER OF THE POINTS WERE VALID AND ACCURATE, I FELT THE FINAL NAILS BEING SLAMMED INTO THE COFFIN. I REALIZED THAT NOBODY GAVE A DAMN ANYMORE AND CONSEQUENTLY NEITHER DID I. IT WAS NOT A PERFECT STORY, PERHAPS IT WAS EVEN A FADING STAR, AND IT WAS TIME TO MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS. SO, I DID, AND SO HERE WE ARE.

SO FAR, ONLY A FEW VOICES IN THE WILDERNESS HAVE COMPLAINED ABOUT THE LACK OF ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE IN THEIR LIFE, SO I CONSIDER MY CHOICE THE RIGHT ONE.

AS FOR DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP? IT'S A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT STORY THERE. FIRST, AGAIN, THOUGH IT'S EXCEEDINGLY POPULAR ESPECIALLY BY MY PREVIOUS DEATH NOTE FANDOM STANDARDS, IT DID NOT HOLD UP TO EITHER OCTOBER OR LILY AND THE ART OF BEING SISYPHUS IN TERMS OF FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, AND REVIEWS. MOST PEOPLE DID NOT CARE ABOUT THE INTROSPECTIVE WHAT HAVE YOU OF DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP? CHAPTERS FOR IT, BECAUSE OF THAT PHILOSOPHICAL WAXING AND IMAGERY, ALSO TAKE A LONG TIME AND A LOT OF THOUGHT TO WRITE EVEN COMPARED TO LILY AND THE ART OF BEING SISYPHUS OR OCTOBER. AS A RESULT I DECIDED AT ONE POINT TO TAKE A HIATUS FROM THE FIC AND COME BACK TO IT LATER, WELL, AGAIN NOT TOO MANY COMPLAINED AND MOST PEOPLE SEEMED INTERESTED IN OTHER THINGS SO I ACCOMODATED.

THAT SAID, UNLIKE ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE (WHICH I CONSIDER WELL AND TRULY DEAD) THIS ONE I DO PLAN AND WANT TO COME BACK TO. OCTOBER, WHICH IS IN IT'S LAST THIRD OR QUARTER OF THE STORY, IS MY POINT TO START OTHER STORIES BACK UP AGAIN AS WELL AS OTHER LARGER PROJECTS I'VE BEEN HOLDING OFF ON. SO, WHEN I FINALLY FINISH OCTOBER YOU CAN EXPECT TO SEE DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP? POP UP AGAIN.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT SOONER THAN THAT, AS THAT MAY TAKE A WHILE, THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD LET ME KNOW. ONE OR TWO PEOPLE HAVE APPROACHED ME ALREADY, AND TO BE FAIR I DID KIND OF WRITE THEM OFF WITH THE 'AFTER OCTOBER' IS DONE SPIEL, BUT IF PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO SEE MORE OF IT I DO TRY TO ACCOMMODATE.

AS FOR LONG FICS I INTEND TO FINISH, REGARDLESS OF READER INTEREST, I TYPICALLY DO NOT START FICS UNLESS I INTEND TO FINISH THEM. NOW SOMETIMES THIS ISN'T TRUE BUT THE MAJOR ONES I DO INTEND TO FINISH (SO HELP ME GOD) I WILL LIST HERE:

LILY AND THE ART OF BEING SISYPHUS

OCTOBER

MINATO NAMIKAZE AND THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS

FINISHING THE HAT

DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP?

WHEN HARRY MET TOM

THINGS I WILL NOT FINISH:

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

SANDS OF TIME

THINGS I'D LIKE TO FINISH BUT MAY FALL OFF THE WAGON PARTICULARLY IF READERS LOSE INTEREST (OR ELSE I DO):

THE WASTELAND

GOD OF THE MACHINE

WEARING THE FACES OF MEN

THE SHADOWS OUR SOULS WEAR

OTHERWISE I TRY, VERY HARD, NOT TO START NEW EPICS/PROJECTS THAT I CANNOT CONCIEVABLY FINISH (YES MANY I DO START SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL, I KNOW). ALSO, THIS IS ANOTHER REASON TO KEEP IN MIND THAT ONE SHOULD BE WARY OF ASKING FOR CROSSOVERS FOR SIDE FICS FROM ME. THE LONGER THOSE ARE/MORE INTENSIVE THEY BECOME, THE SLOWER THIS ALL GETS, AND THE LONGER YOU WAIT FOR DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP? AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING UPDATING, START PMING/REVIEWING/LETTING ME KNOW, OTHERWISE I HAVE NO IDEA WHO CARES AND WHO DOESN'T."

If the characters are gratified to know that their respective fics will finish except in the event of The Carnivorous Muffin's sudden illness and death, they do not say as much, Lily merely raises her eyebrows and says, "Alright then, so, this is from AlleyKat2014, 'Is the written representation of The Carnivorous Muffin ever coming back? If no, how will questions to The Carnivorous Muffin be answered from now on?"

"IS THIS NOT ANSWER ENOUGH FOR YOU?" The written representation of The Carnivorous Muffin asks, which in itself probably answers the question, that apparently The Carnivorous Muffin will now answer questions in obnoxious caps locks as a great ball of light to be summoned or sought out when needed.

"It is certainly answer enough for me," Lily nods, looking to her peers for support, but they all appear to be more or less quested out as they wait for the chapter to end already, "This is from qanda, 'In the Tolkien universe, the supreme being is called Eru Ilubatar – is Eru Lee connected to this?"

"THAT'S A HAPPY COINCIDENCE," The Carnivorous Muffin's voice booms, "EXCEPT WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT LIKE IN ERU LEE AND THE SUNDANCE KID, IN WHICH CASE I CAN DRIVE CANON CHARACTERS MAD WITH PANIC OVER WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A HAPPY COINCIDENCE."

"Our God, I think, does not have our best interests at heart," Wizard Trotsky mutters to Wizard Lenin, who shares a wary look with him as they begin to realize just how callous their writer truly is towards them as characters.

The Carnivorous Muffin does not write fun, soft, adventures for her characters. She writes about pain and suffering, it builds character.

"Oh, only three more to go, thank god, this is getting a little weird," Lily remarks, "I don't think I like caps locks."

Then reading through the questions Lily remarks, "Oh, and these two are pretty much the same so I might as well ask them at the same time. First, from Elliot Green, 'How much of yourself did you put into Lily? Your written avatar reminded me a lot of her.' Second from GlassGirlCeci, 'If the esteemed Muffin ever returns to life, I'd like to know how much of themselves They put into Their writing and Their characters, and Lily specifically? Are there any of Lily's attributes that are your own, exaggerated or otherwise?"

"I'LL ANSWER THE LILY ONE FIRST I SUPPOSE. FIRST, I PUT… HM, HOW DO I PUT THIS?

LILY AND I SHARE A LOT OF QUALITIES BUT SHE'S MYSELF TURNED UP TO ELEVEN. WE SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME INTERESTS, OBVIOUSLY AS I WRITE WHAT I KNOW, AND SOME SIMILAR PERSONALITY TRAITS SUCH AS LILY'S PRAGMATIC APPROACH TO HARD WORK (WHERE SHE TENDS TO PUT IN THE WORK REQUIRED FOR TASKS SHE FINDS UNINTERESTING, BUT PUTS IN NO MORE THAN THAT), SIMILAR APPRECIATION FOR PHILOSOPHY (THOUGH LILY TAKES IT TO A PRACTICAL EXTREME THAT I DON'T ON A DAILY BASIS), SIMILAR STUBBORNNESS (THOUGH AGAIN I IMAGINE LILY'S MORE EXTREME THAN I AM), AND LILY SOMETIMES WILL SAY WHAT I WOULD THINK IN A SITUATION BUT NEVER SAY OUT LOUD, SHE LACKS MY TACT AND SOME OF MY SITUATIONAL AWARENESS.

LILY IS… MAYBE WHAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF I HAD THE INTELLIGENCE OF AN ADULT AS A VERY YOUNG CHILD, GREW UP IN A CUPBOARD, HAD GOD LIKE POWERS, AND WAS FORCED TO CONTEND WITH A UNIVERSE THAT DID EVERYTHING IN ITS POWER TO SEEM FICKLE AND INCONSISTENT.

WHICH, I THINK, SAYS QUITE A LOT ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ME AND LILY.

IF THERE WAS A 'WHICH THE CARNIVOROUS MUFFIN CHARACTER ARE YOU?' QUIZ, ALTHOUGH I MIGHT GET A MORE THAN DECENT MATCH FOR LILY, BUT I DON'T THINK I'D GET A FULL ONE.

AS FOR MY WRITING AND CHARACTERS IN GENERAL, A LOT OF ME GOES INTO THEM, ALMOST ALL CHARACTERS, CERTAINLY ALL THE MAJOR ONES, HAVE SOME ASPECT OF MYSELF LURKING INSIDE OF THEM SOMEWHERE. GRANTED, IT MAY NOT BE OVERT, BUT IT'S USUALLY THERE AND THOUGH I WOULDN'T SAY I STRUGGLE TO WRITE CHARACTES THAT DON'T SHARE SOME TRAIT WITH ME, I DON'T USUALLY GRAVITATE TOWARDS THEM AS NARRATORS.

THIS MEANS THAT LILY, DEATH, WIZARD LENIN, AND MANY MORE ALL SHARE SOMETHING WITH ME, THOUGH SOMETIMES IT CAN BE VERY SUBTLE. I WOULD SAY THAT I HAVE A SURPRISING AMOUNT IN COMMON WITH WIZARD LENIN AND TOBIRAMA SENJU.

I KNOW, THAT SOUNDS EGOTISTICAL BUT I'M NOT TALKING THE INTELLIGENCE HERE. THE DRY, SARDONIC, MANNER OF SPEECH AND SOMETIMES THE WAY THEY THINK ABOUT SITUATIONS, EVEN MORE THAN LILY WHO IS AT MANY TIMES AN EXAGGERATED VERSION OF MYSELF, RESONATES WITH ME QUITE A BIT. TOBIRAMA IS A LITTLE CLOSER THAN WIZARD LENIN, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, BUT I WRITE THEM AS SIMILAR CHARACTERS SO IT'S A BIT OF A MOOT POINT (TOBIRAMA IS WRITTEN BASICALLY AS 'IF WIZARD LENIN HAD MORALS AND WAS LESS OF AN EMOTIONAL DIVA BUT WITH JUST AS MUCH OF A TEMPER'). ALTHOUGH WRITING THAT NOW, I TEND TO BE MORE LILY-ESQUE WHERE TEMPERS ARE CONCERNED…. HM, I GUESS I KIND OF AM LILY. WHAT A TERRIFYING THOUGHT."

"Wait, so I'm an avatar of God?" Lily asks, looking somewhat ill at the thought even as Wizard Lenin corrects her, "No more than I am, apparently."

"Right, well, last question, from pixelherodev, 'Carnivorous Muffin: are you a computer program, and is the program behind a Series of Failed Turing Tests your attempt to reproduce? A fanfic that came from Twilight that _isn't_ crap, the whole "My Immortal" stuff... you have to admit the evidence that you're supernormal is quite compelling."

"BEEP. BOOP."

* * *

Starring:

The Carnivorous Muffin as Sir Not Appearing in this Chapter or else a Robot?

Lily as The Prophet

Wizard Lenin as The Skeptic

Frank as the Temporary and Extremely Reluctant Host

Gilgamesh as That Guy Along for the Ride Again

Namikaze Hari as The Technically Legal Love Interest

Uchiha Shisui as He Who Unwittingly Finds Himself in a Rom Com

Wizard Trotsky as That Undeniably Creepy Bastard

Obito Uchiha as The Stranger in a Strange Land

Eru Lee as Another Reality's God

Light and Shadow of the Distant Sun as The Enigmatic Alien Stranger with Alarming Secrets

Rabbit as That Undeniably Cosmic Creepy Bastard

Alucard as The Ubermensch Vampire Suffering From Crippling Ennui

Meowth as He Who is Blindsided

Pikachu as The Unamused Giant Mouse

Metapod as The Unamused Giant Cocoon

Anakin Skywalker as The Kwisatz Haderach… Almost

Death as Everyone's Favorite Uncle

Duck Penber as Proto Lenin and a Blast from the Past

* * *

 **Author's Note: I HAVE RETURNED! Well, in some form or another. As it says at the top this was brought to you by the 4000th review of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" otherwise it would have... been a while til I got around to this. Yes, that's really all I have to say about that. A note that if you do want questions answered faster, at least from me, tumblr is a good place to do it or else just PMing me works too (and perhaps better).**

 **Thanks for reading and reviewing, reviews... well, fuel this story among other things.**

 **Disclaimer: I only own the alterations to the fandoms, not the worlds themselves.**


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